Thursday, July 28, 2016

  • 07/28/2016

Mike Birbiglia, Gillian Jacobs and Tami Sagher make up new campaign slogans for Hillary Clinton, list euphemisms Joe Biden would use and sum up the #HeatWaveIn4Words.

If you happenedto hear your angry uncle

banging his headagainst a shed earlier,

it's because tonight at the DNC,

Hillary Clintonofficially accepted

her historic nominationfor president.

Jack, roll the clip!

-♪ -(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Preparefor Game of Thron pun.

I can't believe she stillhasn't gotten in trouble

for Bran-ghazi!

-Oh. You guys.-(audience groaning)

I know. So long ago.

And to add insult to injury forthe GOP, she ended her speech

by pouring wineon Carly Fiorina's face.

But, hey, Bernie Sanders seemsto be taking it well.

(laughter)

(applause)

When he hit the ground,he actually shattered

into a pileof Werther's Originals. Uh...

(laughter)

Comedians, now that Hillary hasclaimed the Dems' throne,

what's a good sloganfor Hillary

of House Clinton,first of her name?

Mike Birbiglia, go.

Uh, it'd be, like,a bumper sticker.

It says, like,"Hillary Clinton.

You guys rememberwhen Obama hugged me?"

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yup.

Yup.

(applause)

Gillian Jacobs, who isstruggling with her voice.

Hillary--literally, the only option.

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-HARDWICK: Your voice is good!

BIRBIGLIA:It is good.

She couldn't talkbefore the show.

BIRBIGLIA:Earlier today,

she couldn't talk,and then I realized,

-she just doesn't wantto talk to me. -(laughter)

That's so weird. Everyone I meetdoesn't have a voice.

-I don't understand.-(laughter)

Tami?

Hillary--breaking glass ceilings

since before Trump's third wifewas born.

-HARDWICK: Yes, perfect!-BIRBIGLIA: Oh.

OutgoingVice President Joe Biden,

America's unclewho hugs you from behind...

(laughter)

Just likethree seconds too long.

...is knownfor his million-dollar smile

and colorful language.Both were on display

in a speech roasting DonaldTrump at the DNC last night.

Just like 311at the county fair,

Delaware Joe playedall the hits.

(laughter)

He's trying to tell us he caresabout the middle class.

Give me a break!

That's a bunch of malarkey.

HARDWICK:Oh! Oh!

Well, can we say thaton television?

(laughter)

I've never seen him so mad!

Language, Joe!

That's a bunchof (bleep) malarkey!

-(laughter)-Yeah.

-Oh, I said it!-(applause and cheering)

I am hoppin' mad!

Donald Trump can suckmy (bleep), gosh darn it!

(laughter)

He can choke on the hot,bubbling magma jizz

that shoots out ofthe snotty end of my winkie!

-(laughter)-Oh, I'm so mad!

Uh, "malarkey" is a word thevice president uses frequently.

Comedians, what's another folksyeuphemism Mr. B might use?

-Gillian.-Uh, where's the bathroom?

I got to take a great bigstinkin' gobbly-goob.

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

Points.

-Mike Birbiglia.-I'm not sure,

but I'm pretty sure he said,

"Lookie here, see, MichelleObama's the bee's knees,

and Donald Trump is a jarof (bleeping) apple sauce.

All right. Yeah,I'm pretty sure he said that.

(cheering, applause)

Not sure the partat the end, though.

Points.

(laughs)

I think that's just calledcrapple sauce, right?

-Crapple sauce, right.-Yeah, that's what I thought.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

America's currently experiencinga massive heat wave,

'cause there'sno climate change,

which is why our editorsare working overtime

to cut the shots whereI'm reaching under my podium

-to peel my balls off my leg.-(laughter)

Scientists were referringto this phenomenon

as a "heat dome,"which is also what I call it

when my fiancée holds my headunder the blanket

while she pumpsher delicate farts underneath.

(laughter)

Uh...

I was just...I was just picturing it.

Uh, in celebration of...

-It's never happened before,by the way. -Mmm?

I promise you that we don't fartin front of each other.

I've never...I actually have never...

-How many years in?-Two.

-Yeah. You'll get there.-(laughter)

In celebrationof this sweltering season,

tonight's hashtag is#HeatWaveIn4Words.

Examples might be:Too hot for cunnilingus;

and: Urine-filled public pool.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Gillian.-Armpits smell like fajitas.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Tami.-Sweat-stained Rorschach test.

-Points. Gillian.-(laughter)

Um... urine comes out hot.

-Points.-(laughter)

Birbigs.

Grandma?

Grandma!

Grandma.

Yup.

(laughter, applause, whooping)

Points.

Points.

Gillian.

(laughs)Gotcha.

Uh, visible stink lineseverywhere.

HARDWICK:Points.

Birbiglia.

Martha Reeves and Vandellas.

HARDWICK:Points.

"Heat Wave."

Gillian.

Balls stuck to face?

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

And not your own.

Uh... Tami.

Uh, thinning of the elderly.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

-(audience groans)-Oh.

Eh, (bleep) them.

Tami.

Uh, no sex till September.