Gross, Spero, Cronin, Rock

  • Season 4, Ep 0407
  • 01/20/2001

Mark Gross regrets a game of strip poker, Tony Rock weighs in on black superheroes, and Wendy Spero describes an awkward encounter with her babysitter.

DONE.

I HAD MY CHIN REMOVED AND MY

EARS ENLARGED.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT SUCKS HAVING NO CHIN, MAN.

IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS ALONE,

I'VE LOST 17 MOTORCYCLE HELMETS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT SUCKS HAVING NO CHIN.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME WHEN I GET

SCARED.

I IMMEDIATELY TURN INTO

SCOOBY-DOO...

(MAKING SOUNDS OF SCOOBY-DOO)

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WEIRD THINGS

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

(LAUGHS)

SO IT'S GETTING COLD OUTSIDE.

SUMMER'S OVER.

DID EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD

SUMMER?

GOOD SUMMER?

OKAY.

I LOVE THE SUMMER, MY FAVORITE

TIME OF YEAR, LOVE IT.

ONLY THING I HATE ABOUT

THE SUMMER, I HATE TO SEE WHITE

PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITH TANS.

I FEEL LIKE THEY MOCKING ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I SEE 'EM AT THE BEACH, THEY'RE

LIKE, "WE JUST GONNA LAY HERE,

LAY HERE, GET DARKER AND DARKER

AND DARKER, BUT WE STILL WHITE."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S MESSED UP.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T LAY IN

THE SUN AND GET LIGHTER AND

LIGHTER.

LIKE, WE JUST GONNA LAY HERE,

LAY HERE TILL WE GOT GOOD

CREDIT.

DON'T WORK FOR US LIKE THAT.

IT DON'T WORK.

WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS GET, UH, GET

SCARED WHEN THEY SEE ME WALKING

DOWN THE STREET BEHIND 'EM, TOO?

I HATE THAT.

WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

THEY SEE ME, UH-AH!

BUT I FIGURE THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY

YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HARD, HONEST,

WORKING BLACK PEOPLE AND

CRIMINAL BLACK PEOPLE 'CAUSE

WE ALL BASICALLY JUST DRESS

THE SAME.

WE ALL BASICALLY WEAR JEANS,

BOOTS, SOMETIMES OCCASIONALLY

BASEBALL HAT.

Y'ALL CAN'T TELL.

BUT SEE, BLACK PEOPLE,

WE CAN JUST LOOK AT WHAT A WHITE

PERSON'S WEARING AND TELL THIS

GUY'S MESSED UP.

GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY 'CAUSE

ALL THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE WEAR

THE SAME EXACT THING,

POLICE UNIFORMS.

SO...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I SAID IT.

CRAZY.

BUT SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEMS OF

SOCIETY, PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD.

PROBLEMS OF SOCIETY, EVERYBODY

STEREOTYPES EVERYBODY ELSE.

EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, WHITE PEOPLE ARE KNOWN

FOR DOING THIS.

OH, BLACK PEOPLE ARE KNOWN

FOR DOING THIS.

LATINOS ARE KNOWN FOR DOING

THIS."

WELL, THE LATINO STUFF IS TRUE,

BUT UM...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

SHUT UP.

WH

WE RUN FAST, WE JUMP HIGH.

I DON'T GET OFFENDED WHEN PEOPLE

SAY THAT.

I COULD CARE LESS, 'CAUSE IF

YOU'RE WHITE AND YOU RUN FAST

AND YOU JUMP HIGH, THOSE ARE

QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A DAMN

SUPERHERO IF YOU'RE WHITE.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD, LOOK AT HIM,

HE'S WHITE.

HE RUNS SO FAST AND JUMPS SO

HIGH.

HE CAN'T BE FROM HERE.

HE MUST BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

HE'S FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF

LIGHT."

ALL BLACK MEN ARE FASTER THAN

THE SPEED OF LIGHT, ESPECIALLY

THE LIGHTS ON TOP OF THE POLICE

CAR, OHHHH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SEE THE COPS COMING,

I'M THE BLACK FLASH.

MY SUPERHERO NAME, (BLEEP)-ON.

(LAUGHTER)

COPS ARE ALL UP, "FREEZE,

(BLEEP)."

I'M GONE.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S WHY

SUPERMAN NEVER FOUGHT A BLACK

VILLAIN, NEVER CATCH HIM.

PICTURE SUPERMAN CHASING A BLACK

DUDE DOWN ON THE STREET.

"FREEZE, STOP, GET OVER HERE,

FREEZE.

YOU BETTER STOP, FREEZE, STOP,

FREEZE, STOP, FREEZE.

(RUNS OUT OF BREATH)

(GASPS)

MAN, FORGET HIM, MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL CATCH HIM TOMORROW AT

KENTUCKY FRIED."

(LAUGHTER INCREASES)

THAT'S A LITTLE TRIVIA FOR ALL

THE WHITE PEOPLE IN HERE.

ALL BLACK MEN ARE SUPERHEROES.

WE ALL FASTER THAN SPEEDING

BULLETS, WE CAN ALL JUMP

TALL BUILDINGS, WE JUST HAVEN'T

MASTERED FLYING YET,

WHITE PEOPLE, JUST HAVEN'T

MASTERED FLYING YET.

THAT'S WHY WHENEVER YOU DRIVE

THE GHETTO, YOU ALWAYS SEE

SNEAKERS CAUGHT UP IN THE

TELEPHONE POLES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE.

A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE.

WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

EVERYBODY'S ON A DATE, WOMEN.

RELATIONSHIPS COOL, YOU AND YOUR

GIRL TOGETHER, BEAUTIFUL THING.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO

RELATIONSHIPS, I'VE GOTTA GIVE

TO THE WOMEN.

WOMEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN MEN.

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

ONLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE IN

THE ENTIRE PERSON.

A GIRL MEET A GUY, SHE TAKE IN

THE ENTIRE PERSON.

SHE WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

DOING WITH YOURSELF TODAY,

WHAT YOU'RE DOING FIVE YEARS

FROM NOW, WHAT YOUR GOALS ARE,

YOUR DREAMS ARE, ASPIRATIONS,

ALL THAT.

GUYS, WE JUST CARE ABOUT

THE PHYSICAL.

GIRLS MEET A GUY, THEY COME

HOME, LIKE, "OOH, I MET A GREAT

GUY TODAY!

HE'S MOTIVATED.

HE'S GOAL-ORIENTED.

HE'S FAMILY-ORIENTED."

GUYS, WE JUST CARE ABOUT THE

PHYSICAL, WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY.

WE COME TO THE HOUSE, LIKE,

"YEAH!

I MET THIS CHICK TODAY, MAN.

HER TITTIES IS OUT TO HERE!"

(LAUGHTER)