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Season 4

Gross, Spero, Cronin, Rock

  • Season 4, Ep 0407
  • 01/18/2001

DONE.

I HAD MY CHIN REMOVED AND MY

EARS ENLARGED.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT SUCKS HAVING NO CHIN, MAN.

IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS ALONE,

I'VE LOST 17 MOTORCYCLE HELMETS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT SUCKS HAVING NO CHIN.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME WHEN I GET

SCARED.

I IMMEDIATELY TURN INTO

SCOOBY-DOO...

(MAKING SOUNDS OF SCOOBY-DOO)

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WEIRD THINGS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.

I, UH, BOY, WHAT A WEEK.

I, UH, I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH OF

LAST NIGHT, THANKS, BUT I--

I DO REMEMBER THIS.

IF YOU'RE PLAYING STRIP POKER

WITH A BUNCH OF WAITRESSES FROM

DENNY'S AND YOU WIN,

YOU FREAKIN' LOSE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MY NEIGHBOR'S A CRACKHEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, YOU SAY WHAT YOU WANT

ABOUT THE CRACKHEADS, BUT WHEN

THEY'RE HARD UP FOR A FIX,

THEY ARE GOOD WORKERS.

THIS GUY RAKES MY ENTIRE YARD

WITH A FORK IN 11 MINUTES.

I WON'T HAVE YOU BADMOUTHING

THE CRACKHEADS.

I WAS AT A HORSE TRACK LAST WEEK

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "MAN,

WE SHOULD HAVE A CRACK TRACK.

GET A BUNCH OF CRACKHEADS

TOGETHER, LINE 'EM UP AT

THE GATE, PAINT A NUMBER ON 'EM,

AND HAVE A ROCK GOING AROUND

IN A BIG CIRCLE."

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S GOOD ENTERTAINMENT FOR US,

IT'S GOOD EXERCISE FOR THE

CRACKHEADS.

WE'RE ALL WINNERS THERE.

MAN, I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE

VAGRANTS.

I'VE TOUGHENED UP, THOUGH, MAN.

I'M STREET SMART.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A COUPLE DAYS

AGO, I WAS CROSSING THIS BRIDGE

AND THERE WAS THIS CHARACTER

STANDING THERE WITH A CUP IN HIS

HAND.

HE GOES, "HEY, CAN YOU HELP OUT

MY WIFE AND FAMILY?"

I SAID, "SURE," AND I PUSHED HIM

OFF THE BRIDGE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

I'M FLAT BROKE.

ANYONE ELSE BROKE HERE BESIDES

ME?

WHERE'S MY POOR PEOPLE?

(APPLAUSE)

I'M THE WORST INVESTOR IN THE

WORLD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I BOUGHT A RENTAL CAR.

THAT'S LIKE MARRYING A HOOKER.

EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN IN IT AND

YOU GOTTA IGNORE THE CIGARETTE

BURNS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

RICH PEOPLE ARE BAD IN BED AND

POOR PEOPLE ARE GOOD IN BED.

THAT'S 'CAUSE SEX IS FREE AND

POOR PEOPLE LOVE FREE STUFF.

YOU WILL NEVER GET ORAL SEX FROM

A RICH GIRL, BUT A POOR GIRL

WILL GOBBLE YOUR NOB LIKE A

BLOCK OF GOVERNMENT CHEESE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN YOU'RE

SHOPPING AROUND FOR LOVE,

YOU KNOW.

IT'S HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT

PERSON TO MARRY, ISN'T IT?

DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD JUST

MEET SOMEONE AND KNOW RIGHT THEN

IF IT WAS THE RIGHT PERSON TO

MARRY?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

SEX IS NO INDICATION, ALL RIGHT.

'CAUSE WE CAN ALL HAVE SEX.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING.

WE CAN ALL DO IT.

WE ALL FIT.

(LAUGHTER)

PHYSICALLY, WE ALL HAVE THE SAME

GENITAL SHAPE, MEN AND WOMEN,

YOU GOT THE ROUND WITH THE

(SOUND EFFECTS), WE'RE ALL,

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL CIRCLES IS

WHAT I'M-- AND THAT'S THE

PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

WOULDN'T IT BE A LOT EASIER TO

FIND YOUR MATE FOR LIFE IF WE

ALL HAD OUR OWN SPECIFIC GENITAL

SHAPES?

THIS WOULD BE LIKE YOUR OWN KIND

OF GEOMETRICAL WHERE'S WALDO

SEARCH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WOULD TRAVEL THE WORLD

TRYING TO FIND THE OTHER OCTAGON

OR HALF-MOON, FOUR-LEAF CLOVER,

WHATEVER YOUR THING, YOU KNOW.

IF THAT WASN'T THE RIGHT PERSON,

YOU'D KNOW RIGHT THERE.

YOU'D BE NAKED IN BED, GOING,

"THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK HERE.

LOOK, YOU GOT THE CORNER THING.

I'M ROUND ON THAT SIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THE HUMAN BODY SHOULD

HAVE A SEXUAL ODOMETER, A LITTLE

MILEAGE METER RIGHT HERE.

EVERY TIME YOU'D HAVE SEX,

IT WOULD CLICK OVER TO ANOTHER

NUMBER.

YOU GUYS ARE, "NO, THAT'S NOT

A GOOD IDEA AT ALL."

APPARENTLY WE HAVE A HIGH NUMBER

CROWD HERE TONIGHT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WOMEN CHECKING

THEIR HUSBAND'S MILEAGE BEFORE

HE LEAVES FOR THAT BIG BUSINESS

TRIP?

I MEAN, WITH A BALLPOINT PEN,

GOING, "COME HERE, HAPPY PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA HOLD ONTO THAT TILL

YOU GET HOME, SPARKY."

THOSE GUYS WOULD BE HOME

BACKWARDS GOING, "GOD, I HOPE

THIS WORKS."

IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

>> WENDY: HELLO?

UM, THIS ONE TIME, I WENT TO THE

3-D IMAX THEATER IN MANHATTAN

AND I WENT AND SAW NEW YORK 3-D.

AND I-- I THOUGHT THE 3-D WAS

COOL AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT

I LIVE IN NEW YORK 3-D.

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA!

I'M ON THE SUBWAY LIKE I WAS

A HALF AN HOUR AGO."

I HATE IT WHEN YOU GO TO

PEOPLE'S HOUSES AND THEY MAKE

YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF BEFORE

YOU ENTER THE APARTMENT,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE WHAT IF

THE SHOES MAKE THE OUTFIT?

(APPLAUSE)

I ALWAYS WEAR A BASIC SKIRT AND

A SASSY BOOT OR A CHUNKY LOAFER.

I CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH THOSE

PEOPLE.

ONE TIME, I WAS AT THE AIRPORT--

I WAS AT THE AIRPORT IN THE

BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA AND IT WAS

LIKE REALLY CROWDED, YOU KNOW,

AND I WAS LIKE WAITING FOR THE

BAG AND THERE WERE ALL THESE

SUITCASES GOING BY.

UH, AND THEN THERE WAS THIS LONE

RED BRA JUST LIKE DRIFTING DOWN

THE CONVEYOR BELT AND THERE WAS

LIKE THIS MURMUR IN THE CROWD

AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "OH,

THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY," AND I WAS

LIKE, "THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY.

THAT'S MINE!"

UNFORTUNATELY, I WASN'T THE ONLY

ONE WHO THOUGHT THAT.

THERE WAS PULLING AND TUGGING

AND SCREAMING.

EVENTUALLY, HE BACKED OFF.

AS A CHILD, I EXPERIENCED A LOT

OF BETRAYAL.

ONE TIME, I WAS WITH MY MOM AND

WE WERE OUTSIDE AND WE RAN INTO

MY BABYSITTER.

SHE WAS WITH ANOTHER KID.

IT WAS LIKE THEY WERE HOLDING

HANDS.

IT WAS LIKE REALLY AWKWARD.

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE, "HEY."

SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY."

YOU KNOW, AND THE KID WASN'T

EVEN CUTE AND I RECENTLY FOUND

OUT SHE WAS ONLY WITH ME FOR

THE MONEY.

GROWING UP WAS ROUGH.

MOST OF THE RESPONSIBILITY OF

TAKING CARE OF MY EVERGROWING

FAMILY WAS PUT ON ME.

I WAS IN OVER MY HEAD.

JOYCE WOULD NOT LEAVE MY SIDE.

CARL HAD EYE PROBLEMS.

BETSY LOST A LEG.

FINALLY, I WAS LIKE, "I CANNOT

RAISE ANY MORE STUFFED ANIMALS.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE NO TIME TO MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, IT IS MY BODY,

IT IS MY CHOICE."

EVENTUALLY, THEY ALL LEFT HOME

TO JOIN THE SALVATION ARMY.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MY MOM'S A SEX THERAPIST.

SHE IS.

SO ON, UM, TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO

WORK DAY, I HOOKED UP WITH TWO

GUYS, BUT I WILL SAY DATING

AS A SINGLE GIRL IN NEW YORK,

WHILE IN TWO SEPARATE SERIOUS

MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS, IS

LIKE REALLY TAKING A TOLL ON ME.

I AM EXHAUSTED, ESPECIALLY

BECAUSE I'M MARRIED.

I'M LIKE, "OH!"

I HAVE A TURTLE...

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

I WENT TO A SEX SHOP RECENTLY.

I WENT TO A SEX SHOP-- LET ME

GIVE YOU ONE WORD OF ADVICE.

NEVER GO TO A SEX SHOP WHEN

YOU'RE HORNY, LIKE TOTALLY

INSANE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE

GONNA END UP WITH.

MAKE A LIST, STICK TO THE LIST.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

I'M GETTING KIND OF A VIBE FROM

YOU THAT SAYS, "HOLY CRAP,

LOOK AT HIS EYEBROWS."

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE REAL?!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING?

UM, SO RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

I HAVE A REQUEST FOR THE LADIES

ON BEHALF OF ALL MEN.

UM, PLEASE NEVER WEAR SKORTS.

EVER.

BECAUSE THEY CONFUSE THE HELL

OUT OF US.

THEY'RE SKIRTS IN THE FRONT,

SHORTS IN THE BACK.

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, "OH MY GOD,

LOOK AT THE LADY IN THE BLACK

SKIRT!

LOOK AT HER!

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, SHE IS...

WHERE THE HELL DID SHE GO?"

LADIES, IT'S NOT CLOTHES,

IT'S AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.

PLEASE.

I HAVE ANOTHER REQUEST, UH,

FOR THE OWNERS OF BARS

AND RESTAURANTS.

YOU GUYS GO TO BARS AND

RESTAURANTS A LOT?

YEAH?

YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH!

UM, SHOULDN'T THEY PUT THE WORDS

MEN AND WOMEN ON THE BATHROOM

DOORS?

JUST MEN AND WOMEN--

SOMETIMES THEY GET CREATIVE.

THEY DO LIKE PICTURES AND

SYMBOLS.

AND YOU GOTTA GUESS WHICH ONE

YOU ARE.

PEOPLE HATE THAT.

THEY HAVE A FEW BEERS AND THEN

THEY GET DOWN THERE, IT'S LIKE,

"OH, OH, GOD.

AM I A COMPASS OR A THIMBLE?

(LAUGHTER)

AM I A JAR OF MOTHS OR A HORSE

WITH SKIS?

I JUST HAVE TO PEE!"

SO I'M MARRIED NOW AND, UH,

IT'S GOING GREAT.

ONE OF THINGS I WAS WORRIED

ABOUT, MOVING IN WITH MY WIFE,

I WAS WORRIED THAT IT WOULDN'T

BE AS FUN AS LIVING WITH MY

ROOMMATES 'CAUSE THEY USED

TO PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES ON ME,

IT WAS SUCH A BLAST.

BUT MY WIFE IS JUST AS MUCH FUN.

SHE HAS THIS GREAT TRICK

SHE PLAYS WITH ME.

I COME HOME AND SHE'S IN BED

WITH THIS GUY NAMED JEFF.

(LAUGHTER)

I ASSUME HE'S AN ACTOR JUST FOR

THE JOKE.

AND IT'S GREAT, I COME IN AND

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

YOU'RE HOME!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

HERE?"

AND THEN I LEAVE AND, "OH,

SHE'S SO FUNNY!"

YOU GUYS DON'T THINK SHE'S

CHEATING ON ME, DO YOU?

>> AUDIENCE: NO.

>> DAN: SO BEFORE I, UH,

HAD MY WIFE, I HAD ROOMMATES,

OF COURSE.

AND I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING

WITH YOU, I USED TO, UH, PLAY

GREAT PRACTICAL JOKES ON THEM.

WHEN I WAS OUT, IN THE FIRST

WEEK OF LIVING WITH THEM--

YOU GUYS HAVE ROOMMATES, RIGHT?

OF COURSE.

A LOT OF YOU, RIGHT?

I WOULD LEAVE MY ROOMMATES NOTES

THAT WOULD LEAVE THEM IN A STATE

OF PANIC AND/OR CONFUSION.

LIKE THIS FIRST ONE, "ROB,

IN A HURRY, BUT THERE MAY BE A

SQUIRREL IN YOUR ROOM.

LOOK OUT."

(LAUGHTER)

IF I COULD HAVE ONLY SEEN HIS

FACE.

THIS NEXT ONE WAS A WEIRD ONE,

JUST A PICTURE OF A LUMBERJACK

HOLDING AN AXE.

"JEFF, YOU MET THIS GUY YET?

WELL, YOU WILL TONIGHT AT

3:00 A.M.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S RANDY, OUR NEW LANDLORD,

AND HE'S ANGRY.

GOOD LUCK."

THIS LAST ONE HERE ALSO WOULD

DRIVE MY ROOMMATE CRAZY.

"MIKE, YOUR MOM BROKE HER HIP,

YOUR DAD'S IN JAIL IN PITTSBURGH

OR SOMETHING.

FOR MORE INFO, TURN ON CNN.

I'M SWORDFISHING FOR TWO WEEKS.

DAN."

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

(LAUGHS)

SO IT'S GETTING COLD OUTSIDE.

SUMMER'S OVER.

DID EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD

SUMMER?

GOOD SUMMER?

OKAY.

I LOVE THE SUMMER, MY FAVORITE

TIME OF YEAR, LOVE IT.

ONLY THING I HATE ABOUT

THE SUMMER, I HATE TO SEE WHITE

PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITH TANS.

I FEEL LIKE THEY MOCKING ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I SEE 'EM AT THE BEACH, THEY'RE

LIKE, "WE JUST GONNA LAY HERE,

LAY HERE, GET DARKER AND DARKER

AND DARKER, BUT WE STILL WHITE."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S MESSED UP.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T LAY IN

THE SUN AND GET LIGHTER AND

LIGHTER.

LIKE, WE JUST GONNA LAY HERE,

LAY HERE TILL WE GOT GOOD

CREDIT.

DON'T WORK FOR US LIKE THAT.

IT DON'T WORK.

WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS GET, UH, GET

SCARED WHEN THEY SEE ME WALKING

DOWN THE STREET BEHIND 'EM, TOO?

I HATE THAT.

WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

THEY SEE ME, UH-AH!

BUT I FIGURE THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY

YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HARD, HONEST,

WORKING BLACK PEOPLE AND

CRIMINAL BLACK PEOPLE 'CAUSE

WE ALL BASICALLY JUST DRESS

THE SAME.

WE ALL BASICALLY WEAR JEANS,

BOOTS, SOMETIMES OCCASIONALLY

BASEBALL HAT.

Y'ALL CAN'T TELL.

BUT SEE, BLACK PEOPLE,

WE CAN JUST LOOK AT WHAT A WHITE

PERSON'S WEARING AND TELL THIS

GUY'S MESSED UP.

GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY 'CAUSE

ALL THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE WEAR

THE SAME EXACT THING,

POLICE UNIFORMS.

SO...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I SAID IT.

CRAZY.

BUT SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEMS OF

SOCIETY, PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD.

PROBLEMS OF SOCIETY, EVERYBODY

STEREOTYPES EVERYBODY ELSE.

EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, WHITE PEOPLE ARE KNOWN

FOR DOING THIS.

OH, BLACK PEOPLE ARE KNOWN

FOR DOING THIS.

LATINOS ARE KNOWN FOR DOING

THIS."

WELL, THE LATINO STUFF IS TRUE,

BUT UM...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

SHUT UP.

WH

WE RUN FAST, WE JUMP HIGH.

I DON'T GET OFFENDED WHEN PEOPLE

SAY THAT.

I COULD CARE LESS, 'CAUSE IF

YOU'RE WHITE AND YOU RUN FAST

AND YOU JUMP HIGH, THOSE ARE

QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A DAMN

SUPERHERO IF YOU'RE WHITE.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD, LOOK AT HIM,

HE'S WHITE.

HE RUNS SO FAST AND JUMPS SO

HIGH.

HE CAN'T BE FROM HERE.

HE MUST BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

HE'S FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF

LIGHT."

ALL BLACK MEN ARE FASTER THAN

THE SPEED OF LIGHT, ESPECIALLY

THE LIGHTS ON TOP OF THE POLICE

CAR, OHHHH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SEE THE COPS COMING,

I'M THE BLACK FLASH.

MY SUPERHERO NAME, (BLEEP)-ON.

(LAUGHTER)

COPS ARE ALL UP, "FREEZE,

(BLEEP)."

I'M GONE.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S WHY

SUPERMAN NEVER FOUGHT A BLACK

VILLAIN, NEVER CATCH HIM.

PICTURE SUPERMAN CHASING A BLACK

DUDE DOWN ON THE STREET.

"FREEZE, STOP, GET OVER HERE,

FREEZE.

YOU BETTER STOP, FREEZE, STOP,

FREEZE, STOP, FREEZE.

(RUNS OUT OF BREATH)

(GASPS)

MAN, FORGET HIM, MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL CATCH HIM TOMORROW AT

KENTUCKY FRIED."

(LAUGHTER INCREASES)

THAT'S A LITTLE TRIVIA FOR ALL

THE WHITE PEOPLE IN HERE.

ALL BLACK MEN ARE SUPERHEROES.

WE ALL FASTER THAN SPEEDING

BULLETS, WE CAN ALL JUMP

TALL BUILDINGS, WE JUST HAVEN'T

MASTERED FLYING YET,

WHITE PEOPLE, JUST HAVEN'T

MASTERED FLYING YET.

THAT'S WHY WHENEVER YOU DRIVE

THE GHETTO, YOU ALWAYS SEE

SNEAKERS CAUGHT UP IN THE

TELEPHONE POLES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE.

A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE.

WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

EVERYBODY'S ON A DATE, WOMEN.

RELATIONSHIPS COOL, YOU AND YOUR

GIRL TOGETHER, BEAUTIFUL THING.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO

RELATIONSHIPS, I'VE GOTTA GIVE

TO THE WOMEN.

WOMEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN MEN.

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

ONLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE IN

THE ENTIRE PERSON.

A GIRL MEET A GUY, SHE TAKE IN

THE ENTIRE PERSON.

SHE WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

DOING WITH YOURSELF TODAY,

WHAT YOU'RE DOING FIVE YEARS

FROM NOW, WHAT YOUR GOALS ARE,

YOUR DREAMS ARE, ASPIRATIONS,

ALL THAT.

GUYS, WE JUST CARE ABOUT

THE PHYSICAL.

GIRLS MEET A GUY, THEY COME

HOME, LIKE, "OOH, I MET A GREAT

GUY TODAY!

HE'S MOTIVATED.

HE'S GOAL-ORIENTED.

HE'S FAMILY-ORIENTED."

GUYS, WE JUST CARE ABOUT THE

PHYSICAL, WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY.

WE COME TO THE HOUSE, LIKE,

"YEAH!

I MET THIS CHICK TODAY, MAN.

HER TITTIES IS OUT TO HERE!"

(LAUGHTER)

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