Tuesday, August 18, 2015

  • 08/18/2015

Liza Treyger, Beth Stelling and Sam Morril summarize #CollegeIn3Words, watch on-air weatherman bloopers and vent their Wes Anderson-related road rage.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YESTERDAY, THE INTERNET GAVEUS SOME PHOTOS OF SOVIET CHUCK

NORRIS IMPERSONATOR VLADIMIRPUTIN APPARENTLY TRYING TO FOIL

INDIANA JONES BY TAKING A TINYSUBMARINE ON A TREASURE HUNT IN

THE BLACK SEA.

THIS IS SUCH A FUN PHOTO!

LOOK HOW MUCH-- I FEEL LIKE WECOULD UP THE FUN FACTOR A LITTLE

BIT.

GO AHEAD.

THAT WAS IT?

COULD YOU PLAY IT ONE MORE TIME?

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT HAS THEMAKINGS OF A HIT TV SHOW.

HIT THAT ONE, JACK!

♪ ♪

>> CHRIS: I LOVE THAT SHOW.

SO GOOD.

DID YOU SEE VLADIMIR, VLADIMIR,YO-HO-HO LAST NIGHT?

HE PUNCHED A BABY.

HE AND TWO -- THANK YOU.

HE AND TWO CREW MEMBERS WENTDOWN 83 METERS TO EXPLORE A

SHIPWRECK IN THE HOPES OFDISCOVERING ANCIENT POISONS TO

SILENCE DISRESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

SO, COMEDIANS, BETWEEN POLONIUMASSASSINATIONS, TIGER POACHING

AND TERRITORIAL ANNEXATION,PUTIN HAS GONE FULL BOND

VILLAIN.

WHAT WOULD YOU CALL HIS NEWOVER-THE-TOP BOND FILM?

ANYONE -- SAM.

>> NEVER SAY GAY RIGHT AGAIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

BETH STELLING.

>> MEGAPUSSY.

>> Chris: YES, POANTS.

THE T.S.A.'S INSTAGRAM ISFRIGGING AMAZING.

YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THE T.S.A.,BECAUSE THIS IS A REMINDER THAT

LONG SECURITY LINES ARE WORTH ITBECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO

CARRY WEIRD, INSANELY ILLEGAL(BLEEP) INTO COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, DON'T FORGETTO TRAVEL WITH YOUR MEAT SLICER.

YOU JUST CAN'T GET THROUGH YOURLAYOVER IN TAMPA WITHOUT A

FRESH-SLICED REUBEN.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, SOME OF MYFELLOW NERDS ARE PART OF THE

PROBLEM!

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING GEEK WEAPONS WAS

RECENTLY SEIZED BY T.S.A.?

A, A KLINGON BAT'LETH FROM"STAR TREK"?

B, A MASTER SWORD FROM THE"LEGEND OF ZELDA"?

C, A SET OF "DARK KNIGHT"REPLICA BATARANGS?

YES.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OFTHESE MEAN.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT I FEEL LIKE "DARKKNIGHT" SOUND THE SEXIEST.

I'LL GO WITH C, "DARK KNIGHT,"REPLICA BAT-BATARANGS.

>> Chris: BATAGRANGS!

IT'S A BOOMERANG THAT'S SHAPEDLIKE A ( BLEEP ) BAT.

WHAT'S HARD ABOUT THAT?

I MEAN--

( APPLAUSE )

IT'S-- IT'S BASICALLY A KNIFEBAT THAT COMES BACK TO YOU,

LIZA.

JESUS CHRIST!

ACTUALLY, IT'S ALL OF THEM.

IT'S ACTUALLY ALL OF THEM.

>> NO!

>> Chris: YOU CAN'T GET THIS ONAN AIRPLANE.

>> NO.

>> Chris: i09 REPORTS THEBATARANGS WERE SEIZED LAST WEEK

AT THE BOISE AIRPORT.

COMEDIANS, AT THE BUSTEDPASSENGER, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO

THE T.S.A. WHY YOU'RE TRYING TOSMUGGLE BATAGRANGS THROUGH

BOISE, LIZA.

>> I HAVE BATMAN FRENCH FRIESFOR MY DUMB-ASS SON.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. SAM.

>> BECAUSE 9/11 KILLED MYPARENTS.

>> Chris: YEAH, THAT ALL COMESBACK AROUND TOGETHER.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

LOOK AT YOU ALL SPRINGING TOLIFE!

IT'S OFFICIALLYBACK-TO-SCHOOL SEASON.

SUCK IT!

SCHOOL.

I MEAN, STAY IN SCHOOL.

WHICH OFFICIALLY MEANS THAT OURFUTURE LEADERS ARE HEADING TO

COLLEGE TO HAVE THEIR BRAINS ANDSEXUAL PROCLIVITIES PUSHED TO

THE BRINK.

AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU TAKE AWAYFROM COLLEGE, I THINK WE CAN

ALL AGREE THE MOST IMPORTANTTHING TO REMEMBER IS, WHAT

HAPPENS IN YOUR DORM ROOM ALONEWITH A MICROWAVED BOWL OF

MACARONI AND CHEESE STAYSTHERE.

'CAUSE AT JUST THE RIGHTTEMPERATURE, IT FEELS LIKE A

LADY.

SO, IN HONOR OF THIS, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS: #COLLEGEIN3WORDS.

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"DRINK BARF REPEAT,"

OR "REGRETFUL COMMUNICATIONSMAJOR."

OR, "BUNK BED MASTURBATION."

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

SAM.

>> INTRO TO ANAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BETH.

>> GIRLS ORGASM, TOO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LIZA.

>> BRIEF LESBIAN PHASE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SAM.

>> HUMAN PAPALOMA VIRUS.

>> Chris: POINTS. BETH.

>> WHITE GIRL DREADLOCKS.

>> Chris: POINTS. SAM.

CIRCLE JERK COOKIE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I ALWAYS LOST ON PURPOSE.

>> OH, ( BLEEP ) THE MASCOT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BETH.

>> COOKIE DOUGH DINNER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LIZA.

>> ALPHA SIGMA SYPHILIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I GOT FAT!

>> Chris: POINTS.

LIZA.

>> YEAH, I ( BLEEP ).

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY DEVILISHLYCUTE.

DEVILISHLY CUTE.

( APPLAUSE )

HEY, INTERNET, WE GET ITALREADY-- ANIMALS ARE CUTE.

ALMOST TOO CUTE.

WOULDN'T YOU SAY THEY ARE SOGODDAMN ADORABLE FOR A REASON?

WHAT ARE THEY UP TO?

THERE'S EVIL LURKING BEHINDTHOSE GIANT BLINKY EYES AND THAT

DOWNEY SOFT FUR THAT YOU WANT TOSTOKE FOREVER.

YEAH, AND THEY'RE (BLEEP) EVIL.

EVIL LIKE A FOX.

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING! WHAT AREYOU HIDING!

(BLEEP) YOUR CUTE FACE!

WHY WOULD NATURE MAKE SOMETHINGSO ADORABLE IF IT WASN'T TRYING

TO DISTRACT YOU FROM SOMETHINGINSIDIOUS?

WAKE UP, AMERICA!

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A PHOTO OF ONE OF THESE EVIL

CUTIE PIES AND, FOR 250 POINTS,YOU TELL ME WHAT DARK,

DIABOLICAL (BLEEP) THEY'REACTUALLY THINKING.

FIRST UP, THESE SCUMBAGS.

WHAT ARE THEY-- ( BLEEP ) JERKS.

LIZA.

>> OTTER EROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

NEXT UP, THESE ( BLEEP )BULLIES -- BETH.

>> GOOD AHEAD, AND SCREAM, KIDS,YOUR PARENTS AREN'T LOOKING FOR

YOU.

AND EVEN IF THEY WERE YOU ALLLOOK THE SAME!

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

SAM.

>> NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TOHAVE HAPPY FEET.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

THAT'S EXACTLY-- THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

LIZA.

>> LISTEN, JUNIOR, WHAT WE'REGOING TO DO HERE IS CALLED THE

EIFFEL TOWER.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: THEY-- THEY WANTED TOLAUGH MORE.

THEY JUST WERE CONFLICTED.

BUT YOU ARE RIGHT.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS PIECE OF(BLEEP)?

BETH.

>> DON'T LET THE SWEATER FOOLYOU.

I LOVE ANAL.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: LIZA.

>> ( BLEEP ) YOUR GIRLFRIEND,AND SHE REALLY LIKED IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF

(BLEEP)."

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH USE FORWEATHERMEN HERE IN LOS ANGELES,

IN FACT, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WEHAVE THEM.

THE CLIMATE RANGES FROM "HOT" TO"SO HOT I HAVE TO SNEAKILY PEEL

MY BALLS OFF MY LEG WHILE I'MHOSTING A TV SHOW."

FOR ME, THE MAIN PURPOSE OF THETELEVISION WEATHER PERSON IS TO

ROYALLY (BLEEP) UP FOR MYAMUSEMENT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA WEATHER PERSON THAT'S GONE

VIRAL WITH THAT THE INTERNETCALLS AN "EPIC FAIL," AND FOR

250 POINTS, YOU'LL HAVE TO TELLME WHAT THAT FAIL WAS.

FIRST UP, THIS TELEPROMTER.

DOES HE COMPLIMENT A FEMALEGUEST'S BOOBS OR LET SLIP THAT

HE'S HIGH?

SAM.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH THEBOOBS.

HE LOOKS LIKE MARCO RUBIO AND IDON'T TRUST HIM.

>> Chris: OKAY, THAT'S VERYFAIR, LET'S SEE.

>> THE MARATHON GODES IS GOINGTO BE HERE WITH THE STUDIO WITH

US.

HI, GUYS, I JUST MET HER.

SHE'S FANTASTIC.

SHE HAS SOME NICE TITTIES.

>> WHAT!

>> Chris: AND THERE'S AHIGH-PRESSURE SYSTEM MOVING

THROUGH MY PANTS.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Chris: THAT'S REALLY-- BOLD?

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY, IF HE'SIN THE AREA, CALL ME.

>> Chris: I SHOULD MENTIONHERE-- AND YOU TOTALLY BE THE

JUDGE OF THIS-- HE CLAIMS WHATHE WAS TRYING TO SAY IS NICE

TENNIES TO COMPLIMENT HER SHOES.

>> ONLY GRANDPARENTS SAYTENNIES.

>> Chris: YEAH, I DON'T THINK-->> NO.

>> Chris: THOSE WERE SOME GREATTENNIES...

THEY WERE RUNNING THAT PUSSY ALLOVER THE FIELD.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THIS FIVE-DAY FAILURE, DOES HEINTRODUCE A VAGINA-SHAPED

CYCLONE OR A PENIS-SHAPEDTROPICAL STORM.

EITHER WAY, WE WIN. BETH.

>> I WANT HIM TO INTRODUCE APENIS-SHAPED TROPICAL STORM

BECAUSE I AM HURTIN FOR ASQUIRTIN'.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.

>> Chris: WELL, THE MOSTIMPORTANT THING IS YOU DID.

SHOW ME PENIS STORM!

>> THIS IS A TROPICAL STORM, ANDYOU SAY, WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME

THIS?

BECAUSE JOHN IS GOING TO DO--WATCH FOR THE PRECIPITATION.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: THERE YOU GO!

>> I GOT WHAT I WANTED.

>> Chris: WAS IT EVERYTHING YOUHOPED IT WOULD BE?

>> IT IS.

>> Chris: LASTLY, HOW ABOUT THISNEWS CREW.

DO THEY MAKE UNFORTUNATE USE OFHUMP DAY OR TIGHT END.

LIZA.

>> LET'S GO WITH HUMP DAY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> JUST FLYING BY THIS WEEK--IT'S WEDNESDAY, RIGHT?

>> I THINK SO.

>> HUMP DAY.

>> WE'RE GETTING THERE.

>> HOPEFULLY WE'LL HAVE A DRYHUMP DAY.

>> Chris: NOW IT'S TIME FOR"FREQUENT CRIER MILES."

SOME OF YOU MAYBE THOUGHT FLYECONOMY WAS THE LOWEST LEVEL

THAT YOU COULD GET.

BUT BUCKLE IN.

BECAUSE IT GETS LOWER.

DELTA JUST INTRODUCED A NEWSUB-LEVEL CALLED "BASIC

ECONOMY," AND CALLING IT "BASIC"IS GENEROUS.

WHEN YOU BOOK A "BASIC ECONOMY"FLIGHT ONLINE, A POP-UP WINDOW

MAKES YOU AGREE TO BE TREATEDLIKE THE STINKING FLESH SACK YOU

ARE.

YOU HAVE TO AGREE TO NO REFUNDS,NO UPGRADES, NO TICKET CHANGES,

NO STANDBY, NO SEAT ASSIGNMENTS,LAST TO BOARD, LAST TO ACCESS

OVERHEAD STORAGE, AND "OTHERRESTRICTIONS."

THE IS PART OF A BRAODCOST-CUTTING TREND THAT'S

GOING THROUGH ALL THE AIRLINESRIGHT NOW.

UNITED NOW FORECES THEIRLOWEST-LEVEL PASSENGERS TO

FLY WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN.

WITH FRONTIER'S NEW SUB-HUMANPLUS GRADE, THE PILOT (BLEEP)S

YOUR WIFE IN FRONT OF YOU WHILEYOU EAT GARBAGE AND (BLEEP) IN A

BUCKET OF THE CARGO HOLD.

FLYING HAS BASICALLY BECOME SKYPRISON.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHERDEHUMANIZING FEATURES YOU EXPECT

TO SEE IN THE FINE PRINT OF IN A"BASIC LEVEL" ECONOMY TICKET?

IN 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKAND BEGIN.

LIZA.

>> YOU ARE THE BATHROOM?>> Chris: POINTS. SAM.

>> THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE IS ASLIDE SHOW OF HOW FAT YOU WERE

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

>> Chris: POINTS. LIZA.

>> THIS FLIGHT IS ACTUALLY THETHE PURGE.

>> Chris: POINTS. SAM.

>> EVERYONE IN YOUR SECTION HASEYEBROWS LIKE MINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BETH.

>> YOUR IN-FLIGHT MUSIC AND SEATMATES ARE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

>> Chris: OH... I HOPE THEYDON'T PLAY "CRASH."

POINTS.

LIZA.

>> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS TELLYOU THAT YOUR PARENTS' DIVORCE

WAS YOUR FAULT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SAM.

>> LAYOVER IN NORTH KOREA.>> Chris: POINTS. BETH.

>> YOUR SEAT CUSHION IS AFLOTATION DEVICE.

IT IS ALSO MADE OF CHUM.

>> Chris: POINTS. SAM.

>> THE LACTOSE INTOLERANTSECTION.

>> Chris: POINTS. BETH.

>> YOU GET ONE PEANUT AND APEANUT ALLERGY.

>> Chris: YES POINTS! PERFECT.