Philadelphia

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 03/23/2016

During a visit to Abbi's childhood home, the girls set out to right a wrong from her past.

(laughing)

Oh, such an only child's room.

Why?There's two TVs.

It was just so I can, like,stay on top of the news stories.

Yeah, news about what washappening with Ross and Rachel.

Oh! This is Abbi'slittle height chart!

I can't stand it!

No, no,that's lead paint.

Yeah, my little girldid grow up so fast, though.

All right, look,I got three boxes.

Keep, donate, and garbage.

I'm so excitedthis is happening.

I'm-- I'm gonna makesome food for you guys

so you have plenty ofenergy to finish, all right?

What kind of snacksyou like?

Oof.I--

No, no!No.

Let me surprise you, huh?

Hope you like stevia.

I don't know if we do.

Oh.

It's the Holocaust Museumof Abbi Abrams!

What's that mean?

Oh, I mean--I meant museum.

I just-- my family only wentto Holocaust Museums as a kid.

Ha. Funny.

Hey, where's Will Smith'splayground?

What?

♪ In West Philadelphiaborn and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is whereWill spent most of his days ♪♪

Well, we're technicallyin west of Philadelphia,

so the 'burbs.Got it.

Plus, I feel like they shot itin California, right?

Tax credits.

But there is a rumorthat Will Smith

bought his moma house in my town, so...

I would killto see that house.

Murder.

Oh, man, there isso much gear in here.

Gear?

Like, from my jam band days.

Phish and RatDog,

Dark Star, Disco Biscuits,String Cheese Incident.

Dirt Star, man.

The white slaverebellion, man.

I'll meet youat the contact lens!

I'll see you atthe sister's freely.

Think fast!Ahh! Ew!

What the (bleep) is this?

It is my dreadlocks, sir.

From your body and head?

Yeah, I tried to donate themto Locks of Love, but...

Yikes.

...they rejected them,it's fine.

Yeah, no (bleep).

Jesus, they stink so much morethan the pictures, God.

Like pepperoni.

Oh, my God.Holy (bleep)!

Oh, my God!

What, what happened, what?Oh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah,yeah, it's--

Do you know who this is?Here we go.

This is a first edition

JonBenét Ramseycommemorative Beanie Baby.

This is more rarethan the Princess Diana.

I ran for this.My heart stopped.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

Get your palates primesfor my bialy bites.

Aw, I wanted tokeep that a surprise.

All right.

This is unreal.

You know, Ilana,you can have it.

I always felt weird about"getting rid" of her.

Do you even realizewhat you're saying?

I know you think it's stupid,

but you have to be awareof the fluctuations

in the Beanie Baby market.

I say it all the time.

This could be our future.Look at her.

Look at me,I'm fully engorged.

Ilana, come on.

I'm not sexually aroused,I'm fiscally aroused.

Cool your jets.

Okay.

The Beanie boards are gonnalight up tonight, baby!

JonBenét, look at her.

(whispers)You're a star.

(pins clattering)

(man) No shoes, no entrance.

Yes, you, the Jews.

I'm-- we're not even bowling--

Hep!

Dude.Come on.

Tiptoe, please.

Oh, God.Okay.

Thank you.

Um, yes, we just want to aska quick question, so--

You need shoesto get in.

New floors.25 bucks each.

Cash only.

Okay.Dude, I don't "carry cash."

Oh, okay.

This is terrible.

But we could use some ofthe money from the Alice fund.

It's, like, for her.

We're using her moneyto get her the money.

Exactly.Exactly.

Okay, that makes total sense.

Total sense.So we have to.

Have to, must.

Okay.

Sir.

What size?

I'm a four.Four-and-a-half.

Um, 11.(clears throat)

Oh, my God!

Ow.

I didn't realize that

it's the 20th anniversaryof JonBenét's death.

Whoa.Dude, it is blowing up on eBay.

It's gonna double our value.

Jeez.

That's awesome, dude.

Abbi?

Ooh. Townie boy, get 'dat.

(cell phone vibrating)

Hi.Abbi Abrams?

Yeah, well, give meyour bottom line

and I'll see whatkind of mood I'm in.

It's me,it's Karl Shiff.

Uh...

Shyffilis.Sh-- Shyffilis.

Holy (bleep), Shyffilis!Yeah!

Jeez, you look so good.

No, you look great.Thanks.

You're still usingShyffilis, huh?

Well, I mean, it's not reallya name you can get away from.

Yeah.

It even followed meto the office.

Whoa.

Who knew that one dayat Colonial Williamsburg

could change your life,you know?

I mean, name-wise.

Unless you're likea history teacher or whatever.

Oh, my God, wait.

Did I have somethingto do with that... name?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was totallyyour fault, 100%.

Oh-- oh, God.

Yeah, no,it's fine, it's fine.

No, we were inthe same walking group.

Yeah.I remember,

we learned about the syphilisoutbreak in the colony

and it just soundedso much like your name.

Exactly like my name.

Wait, I am so sorry.

I need to atone for this.

I would never, ever have saidthat if I knew it would stick.

Really, it's fine.

And I didn't even care, like,at all, because it was you.

What-- what?

I had, like, a huge crushon you in high school.

You knew that.No, I did not.

What?Oh, whoops.

No, I didn't.

Um, yeah.I mean, I didn't--

But, I mean, if you really wantto make up for it, you could--

you could buy me a drink.

I love drinks.You got any cash?

Cash only,this place, huh?

Oh, um...

I-- yeah,I do have some cash.

I am so excited to givethis money to Alice.

It's gonna feel,like, so rewarding.

Oh, a huge weightwill be lifted.

Very paleo poops.

(engine sputtering)

Dude.

I thinkthe battery's dead.

Give me a second.

Hey.

You're really pretty.

It's justyou and me.

I don't expectanything.

Okay, try it now.Okay.

Try it.

(engine sputtering)

Nope.

It works withmini penises.

Do you thinkI'm losing my powers?

I'm not sure, but it's fine.You know what?

This dies like,every other time I'm home.

Just-- we'll leave it,

my dad can jump it in themorning, it's fine.

Phish and RatDog,Dark Star.

Disco Biscuits,String Cheese Incident!

Dirt Star, man, like,The-- The Areolas, bro.

The White SlaveRebellion, man.

I'll meet youat that concert, bro.

The Latke Dish, dude!

I'll see you at the--the Twincest, man!

I'll see you atthe Sisters Freely.

What doesLatkes Fest play?

What kind of music is--Latkes Dish.

Oh, Latkes Dish.What do they play?

It's Klezmer jam.

Oh, it is.It's Israeli.

It's a real band?No.

Oh.

But, I'm, like--I could see it.

Aren't Israeli people, like,chill in that way, or something?

I don't know.They're, like, crunchy, man.

I can't believe you had--or I guess I knew

that you hadwhite girl dreads.

I knew you hadwhite girl dreads--

Well, they're just calleddreadlocks, you don't need

to call them white girldreadlocks.

Oh... Dey white girl dreads.

Yeah, well, whenthey're on, you know,

they're justcalled dreadlocks,

and in the dreadlock community,you don't need to say

a person's raceand gender before--

I'm sure you do,when you're doing this,

to you,they're just dreads.

Well, I bet, uh...But when someone sees them...

Dey white girl dreads.I bet a man--

you wouldn't say thatabout a man's dreads.

Oh, God,I would in a second.

White guy dreads... Dassit.