Tuesday, August 5, 2014

  • 08/05/2014

Rob Riggle, Owen Burke and Rob Huebel list #ShartBooks, write sales pitches for odd Nigerian movie posters and guess which threads from bodybuilding message boards are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: GUYS, QUICK QUESTION

WHAT COMES BEFORE PART B?

WHY THAT WOULD BE PART-A!

PART-A!

RIGGLE!

RIGGLE!

RIGGLE!

RIGGLE!

RIGGLE!

POUND IT, RIGGLE!

YA!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> AHHH.

Chris: I DON'T BELIEVE YOUNEED TO CONSUME ALCOHOL TO HAVE

A GOOD FULFILLING LIFE.

THERE'S NOTHING IN MINE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: TOP STORY ON FACEBOOK

THE PRINCETON REVIEW RELEASEDITS ANNUAL REVIEW OF TOP PARTY

SCHOOLS, AND SYRACUSE UNIVERSITYBINGE-PUKED IT'S WAY TO THE

NUMBER ONE SPOT ALL THANKS TORAGERS LIKE THIS ONE.

LOOK AT THAT.

NOW, YOU THINK THIS IS ACTUALLYA BLOW-UP DOLL, BUT WHAT SHE'S

SAYING IS "NOOOOO" WE FOUND THISPIC ON INSTAGRAM.

ATYPICAL NIGHT AT #Qs. CLEARLYTHE BROS AT Qs KNOW HOW

TO PARTY -- EXCEPT FOR MAYBETHISDUDE UP IN THE CORNER.

HE'S NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON.

IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE THERE'S ALITTLE BIT OF STRUGGLE IN THERE.

SO PLEASE GIVE ME THIS RELUCTANTBRO'S INNER MONOLOGUE.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> IF THEY ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH ILOVE READING.

>> POINTS. MOVING ON HISTORY ISFILLED WITH STORIES OF MEN

THAT STAND STRONG DEPSITEINSURMOUNTABLE ODDS.

WHY, TEDDY ROOSEVELT CHARGED UPSAN JUAN HILL DESPITE BEING

EMBEDDED IN ENEMY TERRITORY.

MUCH LIKE I TOOK THIS GIRL TOJUNIOR PROM EVEN THOUGH THEY

FRIENDZONED ME BEFORE IEVEN ASKED HER.

BUT I ASKED HER ANYWAYS.

AND IT WAS AWFUL.

BUT I AM OVER IT NOW.>> YOU ALRIGHT?

>> YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOU'REOVER IT?

>> ♪ I WAS STANDING >> LET'S GO.

>> ♪ YOU WERE THERE.

>> YOU HAD TOTAL SILENCE FOR 20MINUTES.

>> HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN STANDINGHERE.

>> 20 MINUTES.

DEAD SILENCE.

>> WE LEFT AND GOT SNACKS.

>> CRAZY.

NOW THANKS TO REDDIT WE HAVE THESTORY OF A NEW HERO THAT STOOD

FIRM IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.

I GIVE YOU THE TRESPASSINGDRUNK.

>> DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?

>> GET OFF MY YARD.

GO HOME RIGHT NOW.

>> GO HOME.

Chris: COMEDIANS WHERE DIDTHIS MAGICAL FARMER TAN UNICORN

SHAMBLE OFF TOO? OWEN BURKE.

>> TO TAKE OFF THE REST OF HISCLOTHES.

IF HE'S GOING TO SHOWER.

HE'S GOING TO DO IT RIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS. HUEBEL.

>> BACK TO MY DAUGHTER'SBIRTHDAY PARTY WHERE HE'S

SUPPOSE TO BE DANCING, BECAUSETHAT'S WHAT I PAID HIM TO DO

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT GUY, BY THE WAY, THE DEANOF SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR #WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: THAT SLIGHTLY WEIGHTER

FART THAT YOU HEARD MEANS THATIT' STILL SHART ON COMEDY

CENTRAL WEEK ALL WEEK LONG.

WE HAVE ONLY LOST HALF OF OURADVERTISERS.

SO WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THISGOING.

LAST NIGHT WE DID SHART CELEBS,WHICH DELIGHTED ME TO NO END

TO SEE THAT TOP TREND ONTWITTER.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SHARTBOOKS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE HARRY POTTERAND THE CHAMBERPOT OF SECRETS.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON SHATPOO.

OR 50 SHADES OF BROWN WOULD BEANOTHER WAY TO GO WITH THAT.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTINGNOW AND GO.

YES ROB BUEBEL.

>> ATLAS SHRUGGED AND POOPEDEVERYWHERE.

>> POINTS. OWEN.

>> SUPER FUDGE.

>> POINTS. YES, HUEBEL.

>> DIARRHEA NETICS.

Chris: POINTS. ROB RIGGLE.

>> A TALE OF TWO [BEEP]

>> YES, EXCELLENT. POINTS.

OWEN.

>> HEARTBREAKING DUMP OFSTAGGERING GYROS.

WRITTEN BY DAVID SMELLS LIKEEGGERS.

>> Chris: OKAY, YES. VERYLITERARY FOR THIS CROWD.

BUT EXCELLENT, I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS ANYWAY. ROB RIGGLE.

>> ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERNGRUNT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB.

>> TO KILL A MOCKING TURD.

Chris: YES, POINTS.

RIGGLE.

>> LORD OF THE FLIES AROUND THEDUMP I JUST TOOK.

>> Chris: YES. I LIKE THAT THEREWAS ONE LORD OF ALL THOSE FLIES.

>> MINIONS, GATHER AROUND.

Chris: ROB.

>> MEET [BEEP] ONE DAY.

NIGERIAN MOVIE POSTERS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW THESE DAYS IT'S

ALL ABOUT THE INTERNATIONAL BOXOFFICE.

A FEW DECADES BACK COUNTRIESWERE LEFT AT THEIR OWN DEVICES.

AND THAT EXPLAINS THIS AMAZINGGALLERY OF VINTAGE, HAND-PAINTED

NIGERIAN MOVIE POSTERS ONIMAGUR.

COMEDIANS, I WILL SHOW YOU THEPOSTER, AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE

ME THE PITCH TO HELP SELL THEMOVIE.

FIRST ONE, MARK OF THE BEAST.

MARK OF THE BEAST.

YES, ROB.

>> SOMETHING THAT IS NOT AS GOODAS SHARKNADO 2.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT. YEAH.

I MEAN I DON'T KNOW IF THATHELPED SELL THE MOVIE.

>> IT DOES.

Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

ROB.

>> KANYE AND KIM'S LAMAZE CLASS.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

BLOOD MONEY.

THIS IS BLOOD MONEY.

>> WHAT HAPPENED. OWEN.

ONCE YOU GO BLACKBIRD YOU NEVERGO BACK BIRD.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

LAST ONE WHO CAN FORGET THISCOMEDIC ROMP, THE SNAKE GIRL.

ROB RIBBLE.

>> IT'S THE WHACKY STORY OF ASNAKE THAT TOOK A WRONG TURN.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'SCOMING OUT OR BACKING IN.

I DON'T KNOW.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

OWEN.

>> IT'S LIKE ANACONDA BUT IT'SANAL CONDA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WEIGHT LISTING.

WEIGHT LISTING.

YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT SNAKEGIRL?

>> JEREMY, IT'S AMANDA.

YO DID YOU GIVE ME SNAKES?

>> ALRIGHT.

THE MESSAGE BOARDS ATBODYBUILDING.COM ARE AS BROAD

AS THESE BRO'S TRAPS AFTER TWOWEEKS ON ROIDS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOUTHE TITLE OF TWO BODYBUIDLING

MESSAGE BOARD THREADS, AND YOUHAVE TO TELL ME WHCIH ONE OF

IS REAL. FIRST ONE.

DOES ROCK STAR ENERGY DRINK MAKEYOUR BALLS ITCH OR HAVE YOU SEEN

A RABBIT THIS CHILL? ZERO(BLEEP). OWEN.

>> DOES ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINKMAKE YOUR BALLS ITCH THAT'S REAL

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

EVER SEEN A RABBIT THIS CHILL?ZERO (BLEEP)

>> WELL I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVESEEN A RABBIT THIS CHILL.

LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THAT LADY HAS A LOT OF

HAIR IN HER SINK.

>> WOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT'S SOME DELICIOUS SOUPSHE'S MAKING.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

BEST QUOTES OR PHRASES TO SAYBEFORE A FIGHT OR ANY TIPS FOR

COMPLIMENTING A BRO'S SICK ABSAND NICE FACE. ROB.

>> I HOPE IT'S ANY TIPS FOREXCELLENTING A BRO'S SICK ABS

AND NICE FACE.

>> Chris: DO YOU WANT TO KNOWTHIS FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES?

>> I KNOW WAYS TO COMPLIMENT ABRO'S SICK ABS AND NICE FACE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

BEST QUOTES OR PHRASES TO SAYBEFORE A FIGHT.

WHAT WAS YOUR BEST QUOTE FOR AGUY'S COMPLIMENT.

>> YOU HAVE SICK ABS AND A NICEFACE.

[LAUGHING][ APPLAUSE ]

>> THIS IS GREAT.

Chris: WELL, THIS QUESTION BYTHE WAY.

HE GOT THIS HELPFUL RESPONSEFROM YAAAABUDDY.

SUP, BRAH, TAKE A SWING, BRAH.RIGHT HERE BRAH. WHAT MAKES YOU

THE BROTHORITY, BRAH.

HASHTAG HONESTY 60 SECONDS.

TWITTER IS FULL OF TRENDINGHASHTAGS, AND CONTRARY TO

POPULAR BELIEF, THEY DON'T ALLCONTAIN THE WORD "SHART" YET.

>> KEEP IT GOING. #SHARTBOOKS,GUYS!

ONE SUCH HASHTAG THAT WASTRENDING TODAY WAS HONESTYHOUR.

THIS WAS A TIME TO OPEN ONTWITTER AND BE HONEST WITH

LITERALLY DOZEN OF FOLLOWERS.

LIKE THIS ONE, #HONESTYHOUR IHAD A BONER IN CLASS TODAY AND

IT HIT MY DESK, AND I NEARLYCRIED.

>> I KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY HONESTY HOUR CONFESSIONS

AS POSSIBLE. I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> CREST WHITE STRIPS CAN NOT BEUSED TO BLEACH YOUR BUTT HOLE.

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