Fatel, Correal, Chatman, Laybourne

  • 06/05/1998

FIVE YEARS IN AUGUST,AUGUST 28,

FIFTH YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

NO, I DON'TWANT APPLAUSE.

NO, NO, SERIOUSLY,SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

YOU DON'T CARE,YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU HONESTLYDON'T CARE.

AFTER BEINGMARRIED FOR A WHILE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZEIS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER

HOW MUCH YOU THINKTHINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE,

IT'S NOT SUPPOSEDTO BE THAT WAY.

WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,YOU GOTTA FIGURE

IN ANY RELATIONSHIP,THAT'S TWENTYSOMETHING YEARS.

LIKE MOST PEOPLE REALLYGET IN A RELATIONSHIP

WHEN THEY'REIN THEIR TWENTIES.

THAT'S WHEN YOUREALLY FALL IN LOVE.

THAT'S TWENTY YEARS OF HABITTHE WAY YOU'RE BROUGHT UP.

AND YOU MEETSOMEONE ELSE

THAT'S BROUGHT UPTWENTY YEARS OF HABIT

AND YOU MIX THOSETWO WORLDS TOGETHER

AND YOU EXPECT ITTO CHANGE OVERNIGHT.

IT'S NOTGONNA HAPPEN.

THERE'S CERTAIN SITUATIONS

WE JUST DON'T BELONGTOGETHER EVER.

GET IT OUTOF YOUR HEAD.

YOU WILL NEVERFIGHT AGAIN.

LIKE GIRLS,DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR--

DON'T EVER BRING US ANYWHERETO PICK ANYTHING OUT EVER.

YOU DON'TNEED US THERE.

"I REALLYNEED YOU HERE !"

ESPECIALLY WHENWE GET ENGAGED

"WOULDN'T YOU WANT TOPICK OUR FUTURE STUFF OUT,

OUR HOME, WOULDN'TIT BE GREAT ?"

NO, YOU DON'TNEED ME.

DID YOU SEETHE WAY I LIVED

BEFORE YOU CAMEIN MY LIFE ?

LIKE SINGLE GUYSDON'T EVEN HAVE FURNITURE.

WE HAVE,CIGARETTES BUTTS...

CURTAINS ?!THERE'S NO CURTAINS.

GUYS HAVE TOWELS,THEY COME OUT OF THE SHOWER...

"IS IT BLOCKINGTHE SUN, WE ALRIGHT ?

WE GOT SOMENEW CURTAINS, MAN !"

YOU TAKE US TO THESECRAFT PLACES AND STUFF,

YOU MIGHT AS WELLBRING A COW,

YOU'RE GONNA GETTHE SAME RESPONSE.

YOU SEE US SITTING THERELIKE "BING, BING, BING, BING !"

( groaning )

"COME THIS WAY !"

( groaning )

"COME ON, STOP IT,PAY ATTENTION !"

"NOW THIS IS WHEREI REALLY NEED YOUR HELP... "

IT ALWAYS ENDSTHE SAME WAY,

THE SAME WAY.

"LISTEN, THIS IS WHEREI REALLY NEED YOUR HELP,

PAY ATTENTION"

( groaning )

"LISTEN TO ME,PAY ATTENTION !"

"THIS IS OURFUTURE, OKAY ?

"NOW I WAS THINKING IF WE GETTHESE TYPE OF CURTAINS,

"'CAUSE THEY HAVE ALL DIFFERENTLITTLE SUNFLOWERS IN THEM

"AND THEN WE CAN ALWAYSCHANGE THE ROOM,

"AND, BRING OUT ALLTHE COLORS IN THE ROOM

"AND ALL DIFFERENT THINGS

AND WE CAN CONSTANTLYBUILD TO IT..."

"YOU KNOW...

CAN YOU ACT LIKE YOU'REHALF WAY INTERESTED ?"

( applause )

"'CAUSE IT'SNOT ABOUT ME.

"IT'S ABOUT ME AND YOUAND OUR FUTURE

"AND THAT'SWHY WE'RE HERE.

"AND IF YOU DON'T CARE NOW,YOU'RE NOT GONNA CARE ABOUT...

NO, DON'T TOUCH ME,FORGET EVERYTHING !"

( groaning )

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL AFTERI TALK FOR FIVE MINUTES,

SO DON'T WORRY.

I'M HAVING FUN.

YOU KNOW, I'M LOOKINGFORWARD TO THE SUMMER.

I WAS LIVING WITH A WOMANAND WE JUST FINALLY ENDED IT.

AND IT'S TOUGH 'CAUSEWOMEN DON'T MOVE IN,

THEY TAKE OVER,THEY DO.

AND YOU KNOW WHATTHE WORST WAS ?

THE SEX GOT CRAMPED.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE COMINGHOME WITH THE SAME THING.

SHE'S AT HOME KNOWINGYOUR COMING HOME.

WE ACTUALLYHAD TO GET A TAPE

ON HOW TO HAVEBETTER SEX.

NOT A PORNO,

I MEAN A VIDEOTAPE GIVINGINSTRUCTIONAL LESSONS.

AND THE WOMAN ON THE TAPEGIVES THE DUMBEST ADVICE.

SHE GOES "RUBYOUR NAKED MATE'S BODY

WITH A FEATHERBEFORE YOU HAVE SEX."

WHERE AM I GONNA GET AFEATHER IN NEW YORK CITY ?

WHAT AM I GONNARUB HER WITH,

A DIRTY PIGEON FEATHER ?!

YOU KNOW WHATANOTHER ONE WAS ?

"STAND NAKED FIVE FEET APARTAND JUST COMMENT ON

WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUTEACH OTHER'S NAKED BODY."

YEAH, WHICH WOULDWORK GREAT

IF WE WERE ALL SUPERMODELS,YOU KNOW ?!

WE'RE SITTING THERELOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

I'M LIKE "ALRIGHT,I'LL START, YOU READY ?

"ALRIGHT...

"YOU GOT NICE TEETH,I LIKE YOUR TEETH.

NICE AND WHITE."

SHE'S LIKE,"YOUR BEER BELLY,I LOVE THAT."

"I KNOW YOULIKE THAT, HONEY.

THAT'S WHY I DON'TLOSE THE WEIGHT."

SO I JUST WENTHOME RECENTLY.

I GREW UP IN LONG ISLAND,I WENT TO SEE MY MOM.

MY MOM WORRIES,SHE FREAKS OUT SO BAD, YOU KNOW.

LIKE MY DAD WAS LATECOMING HOME FROM WORK.

SHE GOES"GO LOOK FOR HIM."

I'M LIKE "WHERE ?!"

LIKE I'M GONNA GOKICK OPEN A WAREHOUSE DOOR

AND SEE MY DAD TIED TO A CHAIRWITH A GAG IN HIS MOUTH !

"YOU GOT HEREJUST IN TIME,

THE CANDLE WAS GONNABURN THROUGH THE ROPE."

SHE MAKES MY BROTHERGO LOOK FOR HIM, RIGHT ?

THEN MY DAD COMES HOME, SHE'SLIKE "WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER ?"

I GO "LOOKING FOR HIM !"

SHE GOES "GO LOOKFOR YOUR BROTHER !"

"MA, DO YOU SEEA PATTERN HERE ?"

BUT SHE STRESSEDCOLLEGE.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT FORITALIAN GUYS TO GO TO COLLEGE.

RIGHT, MYITALIAN FRIENDS.

'CAUSE EVERYBODY THINKSITALIAN GUYS, WE'RE DUMB.

'CAUSE WE SOUND LIKEROCKY WHEN WE TALK.

BUT WE'RE NOT DUMB,WE'RE JUST A LITTLE SLOWER.

THAT'S WHY WE ALWAYSREPEAT THE QUESTION.

WE'RE JUSTBUYING TIME.

IT'S LIKE "CORREALE,WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY ?"

"WHAT DID I DO TODAY ?"

"WHAT DIDI DO TODAY ?"

YOU GOTTAGO TO COLLEGE.

YOU EVER GO HOMETO VISIT YOUR BUDDIES

THAT NEVER WENT AWAYTO COLLEGE ?

THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE,COLLEGE IS JUST A SCAM.

"YOU LEARN MOREIN THE REAL WORLD

THAN YOU EVER DOIN COLLEGE."

I'M LIKE "GREAT, "LET ME GET$20.00 REGULAR UNLEADED,

PUMP THREE."

SOME THINGS IN COLLEGES,BUYING THE BOOKS,

THAT'S THEBIGGEST SCAM.

THERE'S ALWAYS THATGEEKY GUY GOING

"DON'T FORGET ATTHE END OF THE SEMESTER,

WE BUY THE BOOKS BACKRIGHT HERE."

RIGHT, THEN YOU BUY$200 WORTH OF BOOKS,

THE END THE SEMESTERYOU GO TO SELL THEM BACK,

THEY GIVE YOU$3.50 !

( loud applause )

I'M LIKE"THANKS, THANKS,

"NOW I CAN GOBUY THAT CANDY BAR

I HAD MY EYE ONTHE WHOLE SEMESTER !"

YOU GOTTA GETA GOOD JOB, RIGHT ?

WOMEN WANT GUYSWITH MONEY.

I ACTUALLY LIKEMY BANK TELLER

BUT I'M AFRAIDTO ASK HER OUT

'CAUSE I THINK SHE'LL JUSTPUNCH UP MY ACCOUNT

AND GO,"I DON'T THINK SO."

I DON'T DATE,YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T DATE ?

I'M SINGLE NOW, I LIKE IT'CAUSE I CAN'T FIGHT.

AND I'M SO AFRAID OFGETTING BEAT UP

IN FRONT OF A WOMAN,THAT FREAKS ME OUT.

I MEAN I DON'T MIND GETTINGBEAT UP IN FRONT OF A GUY

BUT WHEN THERE'SA WOMAN AROUND...

AND THE LASTWOMAN I DATED,

SHE'S LIKE,"WOULD YOU FIGHT FOR ME ?"

I'M LIKE "I DON'T EVEN FIGHTFOR MYSELF, SWEETHEART !"

"YOU CAN RUN WITH ME,'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.

"WE CAN HOLD HANDSWHILE WE RUN.

"KEEP IT ROMANTIC.

"BUT YOU GOTTA KEEP UP'CAUSE I BOOK.

"I'M NOT GONNAGET MY ASS KICKED

'CAUSE YOU BROKEA HEEL !"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

'CAUSE I DATE LOUD ITALIANWOMEN FROM LONG ISLAND.

YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT,

WITH THE HAIRSPRAYAND THE NAILS ?

THEY NEVER SHUT UP !

YOU TRY TO TELLTHEM TO BE QUIET.

THEY'RE GONNATALK LOUDER AND FASTER.

"MY DAD'S A COP,DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT !"

I WAS AT A RESTAURANTDRIVE THRU, RIGHT,

I HAD THIS GUIDETTEIN THE CAR

WITH THE HAIRSPRAYAND THE NAILS, RIGHT ?

AND THE COUPLE IN FRONT OF USARE TAKING TOO LONG.

SHE'S GETTINGREALLY PISSED OFF.

SHE'S CHOMPING ON THE GUM,DOING THE NAILS.

( chomping and sighing )

"WHAT THE !@#$% ?!"

LEANS ON MY HORN.

HUGE GUY GETS OUTOF THE OTHER CAR.

I'M LIKE "NOW I'M GONNA GETMY ASS KICKED 'CAUSE OF YOU,

LOOK AT THE SIZEOF THIS GUY."

"JUST GO TALK TO HIM."

I GET OUT OF THE CAR,I MEET THE GUY HALF WAY.

HE COMES UP TO ME,HE'S LIKE,

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM, PAL ?"

I GO "YEAH,I GOT A PROBLEM.

"LISTEN MAN, I DIDN'THONK THE HORN, IT WAS HER.

I DON'T GOTA PROBLEM AT ALL."

HE GOES"THAT'S ALRIGHT,

I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUTOF MY CAR, SHE MADE ME !"

MY NAME IS MITCH,AND I'M VERY FUNNY.

DO WE HAVE ANY SINGLEGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE ?

( loud cheers )

OH MY GOD,LET'S DO IT.

I WANT TODO IT WITH YOU.

I WANT TO HAVE SEX.

IT'S SO HARD TOHAVE SEX WITH GIRLS.

THEIR ALWAYSSO LIKE, "NO !"

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT ?

GIRLS SHOULD HAVESEX WITH ME.

'CAUSE I LOVE IT.

AND I LOVE WOMEN 'CAUSETHEY'RE SO HOT AND SOFT

AND THEY HAVE BREASTS.

OH, MY GOD.

AND THEY WEAR LINGERIE,I LOVE LINGERIE.

OH, MY GOD.

I HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION TOTHE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG.

WELL, I DON'T HAVEA SUBSCRIPTION,

MY NEIGHBOR DOES.

SHE JUST HASN'T RECEIVED ITFOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

I JUST CAN'T HELP IT'CAUSE THOSE WOMEN ARE SO HOT

AND THEY WEAR LINGERIEAND GARTER BELTS...

DO YOU WEARGARTER BELTS,HOT SEXY GIRL ?

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE GARTER BELTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVETHERE WAS ONCE A TIME

WHEN WOMEN WOREGARTER BELTS ALL THE TIME,

NOT JUST TO BE SEXY,

AND THEN SOME GUYINVENTED PANTYHOSE !

THAT GUY'S A DICK !

WHAT WASHE THINKING ?

I DON'T LIKE PANTYHOSE

AND I DON'T LIKE WHENWOMEN WEAR RUNNING SNEAKERS

WITH THEIR DRESSES.

YUCK, WHO STARTED THAT ?IT'S GOTTA STOP !

AND WOMEN ARE LIKE,"OH, IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE."

WHO GIVES A CRAP ?

PLEASE, DO YOUTHINK I LIKE

CARRYING AROUNDTHESE BALLS ?!

NO...

... NO.

THEY'RE ANNOYING

AND SOMETIMES THEY STICKTO THE SIDE OF MY LEG !

BUT YOU DON'T SEE MEGETTING THEM CUT OFF

SO I COULD BEMORE COMFORTABLE.

BECAUSE I ACCEPTMY RESPONSIBILITIES AS A MAN.

SO PUT ON YOUR SHOESAND SHUT UP ALREADY.

NOW MY PENIS,THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

I LOVE HAVINGA PENIS.

HAVING A PENIS IS KIND OFLIKE HAVING A FRIEND

THAT ALWAYSWANTS TO PLAY.

I DO EVERYTHINGWITH MY PENIS.

WE GO FOR LONGWALKS ON THE BEACH.

WE GO SKIINGTOGETHER.

AND MY PENIS ISLIKE "LOOK OUT, TREE !"

"WHEW,THANKS, PENIS,

I'M GLAD I HADYOU OUT !"

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAYABOUT 28 MONTHS AGO,

AND WHATI LIKE TO DO,

I LIKE TO STRETCH MY BIRTHDAYSOUT FOR A LONG TIME.

THAT'S MY THING.

EVERY YEARI TAKE ONE GIFT

OUT OF MY HUGE PILEOF TWO OR THREE BIRTHDAY GIFTS

AND I SET IT ASIDEFOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

THAT WAY I ALWAYS HAVEA GIFT WAITING FOR ME.

YOU GUYS ARE SCREWED, I GOTA GIFT WAITING ALL THE TIME.

SO A COUPLE OF DAYS AGOI HAD SOME FRIENDS OVER.

I HAD A GIFT FROM LAST YEAR,FIGURED WHAT THE HELL,

OPEN IT UP.

"OH BOY,LOOK AT THAT.

"THANKS A LOT,A KITTEN,

THAT IS SO SWEET,THANKS."

I ALWAYS LOVED PUPPIES,I ALWAYS LOVED DOGS.

YOU KNOWWHEN I WAS A KID,

THE KID ACROSSTHE STREET FROM ME

HAD A THREE-LEGGED DOG.

I NEVER MADEFUN OF HIM.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSEI HAD A PET LEG.

HE WAS GREAT,"SOCK" I CALLED HIM.

HE WAS SO SWEET,HE WAS HAPPY, YOU KNOW ?

HE SPENT ALL DAYHUMPING HIMSELF.

HE WAS JUSTA NICE LITTLE GUY.

BUT ACTUALLY HE DIED,HE GOT HIT BY A WHEEL.

AND MY PARENTS GOT MEA REGULAR PUPPY

WHICH WAS SO EXCITING.

"MR. WHISKERS",I CALLED HIM.

MR. WHISKERS 'CAUSEHE WAS WHITE ALL OVER

EXCEPT FORUNDER HIS CHIN

WHERE I'D WRITTEN"MR. WHISKERS" IN BLACK.

I GOT A FAKE TATTOOON MY ARM WHICH WAS COOL.

I JUST ONE OF THOSEIRON ON KINDS.

IT'S COOL.

IT'S A FLAMING SKULL INSIDEA GIANT RED BIRD MARK.

ACTUALLY I HAVEONE GOOD THING GOING ON.

I RECENTLY WROTETHE BIGGEST SELLING BOOK,

THE NON-FICTION BOOK WAS"CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD".

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT BOOK,"CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD" ?

HUGE SELLER.

I ACTUALLY GOT PERMISSIONTO WRITE THE SEQUEL

TO THAT BOOK.

SO IT'S VERY EXCITING,I'M REAL EXCITED.

IT'S A LOT OF MONEY,IT'S SUCH A SWEET PROJECT.

IT'S CALLED"CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO SATAN",

AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SHAREA LITTLE WITH YOU TONIGHT.

"DEAR SATAN, YOU AREA VERY BAD AND EVIL MAN.

"I WOULD LIKE A TRAIN SETAND A BICYCLE.

"I HATE YOU.

LOVE, TIMMY McGAIN".

"DEAR SATAN, MOM SAYSI CAN'T GIVE YOU MY SOUL.

"CAN I STILL HAVETHE PONY ANYWAYS ?

LOVE, JOHNNY."

THE LAST ONE,"DEAR SATAN,

"OUR ARRANGEMENT HAS SUPERSEDEDMY GRANDEST EXPECTATIONS.

"THANKS, MATT DAMON.

P.S., I WOULD LIKE A TRAINSET AND A BICYCLE."

HEY, THANKS A LOT,THANK YOU.

HI, I'M SAM.

WE WOULD LIKETO SING FOR YOU

THIS EVENINGA LITTLE SONG.

HERE WE GO.

( guitar strumming )

♪ WE COULD WALKON SANDY BEACHES ♪

♪ WE COULD DANCEIN A FOUNTAIN ♪

♪ WE COULD BACKPACKACROSS EUROPE ♪

♪ WE COULD CLIMBA TALL MOUNTAIN ♪

♪ BUT WE CAN'TMAKE LOVE ♪

♪ BECAUSEWE'RE RELATED ♪

DO YOU KNOW THEYCALL THAT INCEST ?

YEAH, YEAH, THEY DO.

♪ IT'S TABOOFOR ME AND YOU ♪

♪ WE COULDBE BEST FRIENDSFOR EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE COULD TALK ONTHE PHONE FOR HOURS ♪

♪ WE COULD GIVE EACHOTHER A BACK RUB ♪

♪ I WOULDN'T MINDIF YOU SENT ME FLOWERS ♪

♪ BUT WE CAN'TMAKE LOVE ♪

♪ BECAUSEWE'RE RELATED ♪

♪ DID YOU KNOWTHEY CALL THAT INCEST ♪

♪ YES, I KNOWTHEY CALL IT INCEST ♪

♪ AND IT IS ILLEGAL

♪ I USED TO WATCHYOU SLEEPING ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WEREA LITTLE CHILD ♪

♪ AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF ASI SAW YOU THERE SO WEAK ♪

♪ SO DEFENSELESS

♪ MAN, IT WOULDBE WILD ♪

♪ I USED TO WATCHYOU BATHING ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WENTTHROUGH PUBERTY ♪

♪ AND I THOUGHTTO MYSELF ♪

♪ AS I SAW YOU EMERGEFROM THE WATER ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T SHEBE WITH ME ♪

♪ BUT WE CAN'TMAKE LOVE ♪

♪ BECAUSE WE'RE RELATED

♪ WE WILL NOTMAKE LOVE ♪

♪ SHA NA, NA,NA, NA, NA ♪

♪ THAT'S A GUARANTEE

♪ NO, NO

♪ NO, NO

YEAH !YEAH !

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