Extended - Thursday, June 30, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 06/30/2016

Morgan Murphy, Adam Goldberg and Jim Gaffigan misquote political figures, sum up #AmericaIn4Words and list Canadian super powers in this extended, uncensored episode.

A CANDIDATE FOR NEW YORK'S TENTHCONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT IS TAKING

SOME HEAT FOR MISQUOTINGFOUNDING FATHER ALEXANDER

HAMILTON.

ON THE BRIAN LEHRER RADIO SHOW,OLIVER ROSENBERG SAID, QUOTE,

"AS ALEXANDER HAMILTON SAYS,'THIS IS NOT A MOMENT.

THIS IS A MOVEMENT.'"THAT IS FROM THE TONY-WINNING

MUSICAL "HAMILTON."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)FOUNDING FATHER ALEXANDER

HAMILTON NEVER SAID THAT SHIT ATALL.

ROSENBERG THEN PRESUMABLY WENTON TO QUOTE THE FATHER OF OUR

COUNTRY, GENERAL WASHINGTON'SIMMORTAL LINE, "TODAY IS YOUR

TRAINING DAY."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

SO, COMEDIANS, SINCE WE'RE JUSTWILLY-NILLY ATTRIBUTING SONG

LYRICS TO FAMOUS POLITICIANS,I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME ANOTHER

FAKE QUOTE FROM ANOTHER OFAMERICA'S MOST PROMINENT

FIGURES.

JIM GAFFIGAN.

>> (LIKE REAGAN): MR. GORBACHEV,TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THAT'S NOT A BAD...

JIM! JIM!

WHAT...?

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT DEEP, DARK CLOSET HAVE YOUBEEN STORING THIS REAGAN

IMPERSONATION IN ALL THESEYEARS?

>> (LIKE REAGAN): WELL, YOU KEEPRAISING TAXES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: FANTASTIC!

ADAM GOLDBERG.

>> SHE... TAKES JUST LIKE AWOMAN, CHRIS.

YES, SHE DOES.

SHE MAKES LOVE JUST LIKE AWOMAN.

I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSWITH THAT WOMAN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: EXCELLENT. POINTS.

POINTS.

>> COME ON.

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING SWELL)>> HARDWICK: PRESIDENT REAGAN,

PLEASE CALM DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)>> (AS REAGAN): WELL...

>> HARDWICK: MORGAN MURPHY.

>> UH... THE ONLY THING WE HAVETO FEAR... IS FEAR ITSELF.

PANDA, PANDA, PANDA, PANDA,PANDA.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS. PERFECT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND'S COMING

UP-- 'MERICA, GODDAMN IT!-- WHENAMERICANS PROUDLY FIRE UP THE

BARBECUE, CRACK OPEN SOME BEERSAND DISCUSS SOME MAJOR WAYS IN

WHICH THE UNITED STATES DIFFERSSOCIALLY AND POLITICALLY FROM

BRITAIN, AND THEN BLOW THEIRDICKS OFF WITH ROMAN CANDLES.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)SO...

>> OH, YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: SO IN HONOR OF OURINDEPENDENCE, WE'RE GONNA

CELEBRATE EVERYTHING THAT MAKESAMERICA GREAT, OR NOT, WITH THE

HASHTAG #AMERICAIN4WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: FAKED THEMOON LANDING; AND: GAVE WORLD

HUEY LEWIS-- WHICH I'M ACTUALLYA SUPPORTER OF.

(LAUGHTER)I'VE PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ADAM.

>> ANTI-SEMITES WHO LOVE ISRAEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> WE HAVE TWO DISNEYLANDS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM.

>> JESUS WAS BORN HERE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ADAM.

UH, UNITED WE... SIT, MOSTLY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GAFFIGAN.

>> NUMBER ONE IN DIABETES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(CHEERING)NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

MORGAN.

>> FRIED CHICKEN ON SALAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> IMMIGRANTS WHO HATEIMMIGRANTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> ABOUT FIFTY PERCENT RACIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN AGAIN.

>> OH. FAMOUS FOR NO REASON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GAFFIGAN.

>> DON'T BRING UP SLAVERY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)MORGAN.

>> CANADA WITH ASSAULT RIFLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> DONALD TRUMP, SARAH PALIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GAFFIGAN.

>> LESS HOMOPHOBIC THAN RUSSIA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> ALL YOU CAN EAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM.

>> FOUR WORDS ARE FOR QUEERS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

WELL, POINTS TO JIM GAFFIGAN.

IT'S OFFICIALLY CANADA DAY, SOIT'S THE PERFECT TIME TO

APPRECIATE CANADA'S HUNKY PRIMEMINISTER, THE MAN WHO MAKES

PEOPLE SAY "OH, CANADA", JUSTINTRUDEAU.

(AUDIENCE SHRIEKING, WHOOPING)YEAH, YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM SOME

HEAD OF STATE.

UH, HE'S BECOME SO POPULAR, INFACT, THAT HE'S JUST ABOUT TO

JOIN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.

TRUDEAU IS SET TO APPEAR, UH, ONA VARIANT COVER OF AN UPCOMING

ISSUE OF CIVIL WAR II: CHOOSINGSIDES.

I'M GUESSING HE'S THE ONLY MANWITH THE POWER TO CONVINCE

DR. DOOM TO GIVE AWAY FREEHEALTH CARE.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOCOME UP WITH SOME MORE POWERS A

CANADIAN SUPER HERO MIGHT HAVEIN 60 SECONDS.

GO AHEAD, ADAM.

>> UH, RADIOACTIVEPASSIVE-AGGRESSION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ADAM AGAIN.

>> BEING... BEING VERY, VERY,VERY, VERY SORRY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JIM.

>> THE ABILITY, UH, TO CALLPASTRAMI SMOKED MEAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> UH, THE POWER TO KNOCK YOUTHE FUCK OOT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> THE POWER TO BE EQUALLY HOTAND BORING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MORGAN AGAIN.

>> THE POWER TO DESTROY YOURENEMIES WHEN YOU FIND ONE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM.

>> THE ABILITY TO COMPLAIN ABOUTAMERICA BUT EMULATE AMERICA

COMPLETELY.

>> HARDWICK: PERFECT.