Relapse into Refreshment

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 11/09/2010

A SWAT sniper demonstrates his one-handed method, and a lost hiker demonstrates how not to survive.

TO STOP POLLUTION TODAY.

AND THAT'S WHAT AL GORE AND HIS CRUSADE WERE ALL ABOUT.

AND THEY'VE GIVEN BIRTHTO THE "GOING GREEN" MOVEMENT.

- GOING GREEN?- YES, GOING GREEN.

I WANNA GO GREEN.

WORD.GO GREEN, SON.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, GUYS.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MOREABOUT GOING GREEN,

YOU CAN VISIT YOURLOCAL RECYCLING PLANT.

OH, WHERE THAT GREEN AT?

MAKING IT GREEN!

GREEN, SON.ALL DAY, ALL DAY.

EVERY DAY.

Y'ALL BE DOINGGREEN UP IN HERE?

YES, GREEN ISVERY IMPORTANT.

- FO' SHO'.- IT'S ALL THERE IS, HOMEY.

WELL, WE'RE A RECYCLINGPROCESSING PLANT,

SO WHAT WE DO ISTAKE THE BOTTLESAND PAPER PRODUCTS,

SEPARATE THEMAND THEN BREAK THEMDOWN FOR REUSE.

BREAK IT DOWNLIKE DOO DOO BROWN.

- ALL DAY EVERY DAY.- YUP, THE PLANT IS RUNNING EVERY DAY.

MY MAN SAID PLANT. YO.

YO, SON,WE'RE DOWN ON THAT.

UH, I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU MEAN.

YO, MAN,WE'RE THE INCREDIBLE HULK,

SLEEPINGAT THE GREEN, BABY.

OH. WELL, I CAN SHOW YOU GUYSHOW IT WORKS IF YOU LIKE.

SHOW ME,DON'T ( bleep ) ME, HOMEY.

TREES ( bleep )!

SO THIS ISA GLASS PROCESSOR.

WHAT IT'S DOINGIS SUPERHEATINGTHE GLASS INTO SHEETS,

THEN IT'S RESOLDAND TURNED INTO BOTTLES

- AND OTHER PRODUCTS.- LIKE MY LAST PIPE, RIGHT?

- UH, YEAH, SURE.- BLAZING THAT GLASS

ALL UPIN THAT ASS. OKAY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

WEED.

SO THIS IS WHEREWE DO ALL THE PAPER.

ROLL THAT ( bleep ) UP.

LIVE AND DIEFOR THE PAPER.

YEAH, SO THAT'SABOUT IT, GUYS.

YO, BUT WHERETHE GREEN AT?

- I JUST SHOWED YOU.- NO, I DIDN'T SEE NO GREEN.

I THOUGHT YOUWERE TURNING ALLTHIS STUFF INTO WEED.

THE RECYCLABLES?NO, IT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

- WEED.- NO.

- CHRONIC.- NO. LOOK. I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK, OKAY?

- WEED.- CHRONIC, YO.

- WEED.- WHERE THAT WEED AT, DAWG?

- WEED. WEED.- WE NEED THE WEED.

- RIGHT?- WHAT?

WEED PANCAKES.

WORD. YO,I JUST HAD A DREAM

- WHERE "GREEN" DIDN'T MEAN "WEED."- YO, WHAT?

THAT'S A STRAIGHT UPNIGHTMARE FOR REAL, Y'ALL.

ABOUT TO GETMY WEEKEND ON.

MAKE TRICKSDIVE ON ( bleep ).

YEAH, YOU KNOWHOW I DO IT. ALL DAY."

- ( chimes )- WOW, TITO. AGGRESSIVE UPDATE.

GAY ROBOT, YOU'VE GOTTO DROP THE HAMMER, SON.

THIS AIN'T NO GAME.I SAY HOW I FEEL.

I'M OUT.HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

LATER, GATOR.IGNORE THE HATERS.

TRUE.

MAYBE I NEED TO BEMORE AGGRESSIVE TOO.

WHAT AM I? HMM.

GAY ROBOT."IT'S ALL ABOUT PEEN.

I WANT TWO AND A HALF MENLIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.

PEEP THAT BOOTY.

SHAKE IT,BUT DON'T MAKE DOOKIE.

WANT THAT SWEAT ALL UP ON ME ME.

LIKE A WATERFALL,BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

"LIKE A WATERFALL,BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE TITO'S UPDATE.- KEEP READING.

"I LIKE MY WIENER DIRTY.'CAUSE IT'S PURTY.

SO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTY.

PULL YOUR GUNOUT OF YOUR HOLSTER."

"STUFF IT IN MY TOASTER.

TAKING IT ALL INLIKE A MILK-FILLEDROLLERCOASTER.

- PEACE."- OH MY GOD.

HE'S REALLYTURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.

HEY. I LIKEYOUR NEW UPDATE.

IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?MORE HARD CORE.

I AIN'T AFRAIDTO DROP THE HAMMER.THAT'S REAL.

I GUESS WE'LLLEAVE YOU ALONE THEN.

- ( giggles )- BYE.

- BYE-BYE.- ( both laugh loudly )

( all laugh )

YOU'VE GOT TO SIGN MEOUT OF FACEBOOK.

I'VE TOLD YOU THATA MILLION TIMES.

I WAS TRYINGTO GET MY TITO ON,

BUT FORGOT TO GETMY SIGN-OUT ON. SORRY.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU WERE.

- I'M SORRY.- IT'S OKAY.

- WHAT IS IT, GREGONE?- I HAVE FOUND THE MAP

THAT LEADS TO BLUEBEARD'SMAGIC TREASURE.

PFFT! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT MAP'S BEEN ELUSIVETO ALL. YOU KNOW THAT.

UNTIL NOW.SEND UP OLD CRABS!

NOW WHAT DOESOLD CRABS THE DECKHAND

HAVE TO DOWITH THIS MAP?

WHEN OLD CRABS WASIN HIS SYPHILIS DELIRIUM,

HE MUMBLEDOF A TATTOO--

A TATTOO THATLEADS TO RICHES.

AND WHERE ISTHIS TATTOO?

- ( squawks ) TREASURE BALLS!- THAT'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY.

BLUEBEARD TATTOOED ITTO ME BALLS.

HE KNEW IT WASTHE ONE PLACE THE MEN WOULDN'T LOOK.

- CROTCH IS ROTTING!- WELL...

LET'S HAVE A LOOK THEN.

IS THE TREASURE MAPON HIS BALLS?

YEAH.

WE'LL START LOOKINGFOR IT RIGHT AWAY.

WE'LL HEAD WEST.I THINK THAT'S WHEREIT SAID TO START.

YEAH, BY THAT HAIRY MOLEWAS THE STARTING POINT,I THINK.

MY EYES STARTEDTO WATER UP PRETTY BAD.

SHOULD WE LOOKAT THE MAP AGAIN?

OH! NO, LET'S JUST GO!

IS THIS RIGHT, SIR?

IF THAT ROCKIS HIS COLD SORE,

THEN I THINKWE GO TO THE RIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT-- WAIT.

WHICH COLD SORE?

I THINK WE SHOULDCHECK THE MAP.

IT'S SO BLOODY HOT.( groans )

- I'M SWEATING LIKE A PIG.- NO NEED TO CHECK THE MAP.

LET'S KEEP GOING.COME ON.

- TAKE IT.- THERE'S NO SHOT.

IT'S TOO FAR.WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GOINSIDE THE BUILDING.

NEGATIVE.WE'RE NOT GONNA JEOPARDIZETHAT MANY LIVES.

WE'VE GOTTATAKE IT FROM HERE.WE NEED THIS SHOT.

( rock music playing )

OH, THANK GOD.THE SNIPER'S HERE.MAKE ROOM!

FOURTH FLOOR,CORNER WINDOW.

YEAH, THE TERRORISTIS EXPOSING 8.6cmOF HIS SHOULDER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY METAL-EAZESUPER SPEED BULLETS?

- THIS GUY'S AMAZING.- HE'S THE BEST.

- ( zipper zings )- ( gun cocks )

WHAT THE HELL?

THE TERRORIST ISGONNA BE TERMINATED.

SCUMBAG. ( gasps )

SOUL LEAVING THE BODY.SOUL LEAVING THE BODY!

OH! SOUL LEAVINGTHE BODY!

- ( gunshot )- AH!

- OH! GREAT SHOT!- Man: WHOO!

CAPTAIN, DID YOU SEE THAT?THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHAT? A CLEANBRAINSTEM SHOTFROM 200 METERS?

THAT'S HEROIC, SON.

- WE JUST TOOK DOWN ANOTHER SCUMBAG.- ( gags )

PACK IT UP, BOYS.WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO.

GIVE HIM SOME SPACE.DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

- MOVE!- DON'T LOOK ME IN MY EYE.

Man #2: YOU DID A GOOD THING.

GOD WIRED MEA LITTLE DIFFERENT, HUH?

YOU DIDA GOOD THING.

( crying )

Announcer: NEXT TIME ON "MASTURBATING SNIPER"...

GUESS WHAT I JUST WATCHED.THE SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE

FROM THE BANK ROBBERYLAST WEEK.

YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL.

THE CHIEF WANTS TO PUT YOU BEHIND A DESK.

Sniper's voice: KILLING BAD GUYS IS

THE ONLY WAY I CAN... EJACULATE.

ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

NO.

( gunfire )

REALLY? AGAIN?

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