Tracy Morgan & Jimmy Kimmel

  • Season 3, Ep 15
  • 01/26/2005

Special Ed wants to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and Spoonie Luv learns a little about peaches.

(ring)

JAKE'S DINER.

YES. HI.DO YOU TAKE RESERVATIONS?

WE... DON'T NEED THEM,

BUT IF YOU'D LIKETO MAKE THEM, YOU CAN.

THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.MY NAME IS JEFF EMERICK.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATIONFOR 2 AT 8.

OKAY.THAT'S RIGHT, 2 AT 8.

OKAY.

AND I KNOW WHATYOU'RE THINKING--

ISN'T THATA LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS?(bell dings)

NO.

LET ME LET YOU INON A LITTLE SECRET.OKAY.

PRESUMPTION CREATESCERTAINTY.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?YES.

NUMBER TWO, I'D LIKE TO HAVEA TABLE NEXT TO A WINDOW.OKAY.

DO YOU HAVE WINDOWS?WE DO.

FANTASTIC.WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.OKAY.

(bell dings)STEP THREE--I WILL PRE-ORDER

SO THAT THE FOOD IS READYWHEN I ARRIVE WITH MY DATE.OKAY.

PREPARATION IS THE KEYTO RELAXATION

AND TO THE FOUNDATION OFSUCCESS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

KAYLA.

KAYLA, WHAT HAVE YOULEARNED SO FAR?

THAT I NEED TO BEPRESUMPTUOUS

AND... KNOW WHATYOU'RE DOING AHEAD OF TIME?

WE'RE ALREADYHALFWAY THERE.

THERE ARE THREE KEYSTO MY HAVING A GOOD TIME

AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT--(bell dings)

CONFIDENCE, SELF-RELIANCEAND POSITIVE THINKING.

WE DON'T SAY "DON'T"AND WE CAN'T SAY "CAN'T."

SIX MONTHS AGO, I COULDN'TAFFORD TO EAT THERE,

BUT I FOUND A SYSTEMTHAT HAS MADE ME RICH

BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.(bell dings)

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITHTHE TRIANGLE OF TOTALITY?NO.

NEED AND ABILITYARE THE CORNERSTONES.

AT THE PEAKIS OPPORTUNITY,

AND INSIDE THE TRIANGLE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT THERE IS?

NO.

NO, NO, WRONG.THAT'S WAY WRONG.

ANYWAY,ABOUT THE TABLE.

OKAY, THE TABLE.HELLO?

YES.OH, I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T HEARWHAT YOU SAID THERE.

I WAS DISTRACTED BY ANOTHERSOUND. YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?NO.

IT WAS THE SOUND OFYOUR VAST INNER POTENTIAL

STRUGGLING TO GET OUT.

OKAY.

SEE, NOW YOU'RE TALKING NOW

WITH WHAT I CALLYOUR OUTER VOICE.

FORGET YOUR OUTER VOICE.

FORGET YOUR INNER VOICE,TOO.

YOU WANNA LISTENTO THE THIRD VOICE,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT,ME.(bell dings)

I'M LISTENING.

A LOT OF MAƮTRE D'SI SPEAK TO

TELL ME THE SAME THING--

"WE DON'T HAVE A TABLEFOR THAT TIME."

AND I TELL THEM THIS--IT'S NOTTOO LATE TO CHANGE THAT.

WELL, WE DO HAVE A TABLE.

I TELL YOU WHAT.(bell dings)

LET'S STARTTHIS CONVERSATION OVER,

ONLY THIS TIMEWHEN YOU PICK UP THE PHONE,

REMEMBER THAT ONLY YOU AREIN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN DESTINY.

YOU ARE UNTAPPED ENERGY.

YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL PERSON,OR AT LEAST YOU COULD BE.

(bell dings)ARE YOU STILL THERE?

I'M STILL HERE.

GOOD. LET'S DOA VISUALIZATION EXERCISE.

CLOSE YOUR--(phone clicks)

(phone rings)

JAKE'S DINER.

YES, YOU JUSTHUNG UP ON ME,

AND THAT'S GOOD.(bell dings)

YOU ARE IN CONTROLOF YOUR OWN DESTINY.

(phone clicks)

(bell dinging)

YES,I'M A SINGER/SONGWRITER.

OKAY.

AND I'M WRITING A SONGABOUT PEACHES,

AND I JUST NEEDED SOMEINFORMATION ABOUT PEACHES.

(snickering) OKAY.

I JUST WANNA KNOW,DO PEACHES GROW ON TREES,

OR ARE THEY LIKE AN ANIMAL?

(laughing)THEY GROW ON TREES.

WOW. ARE YOUR PEACHES WAXED?

NO.

ARE THEY FUZZY?

NO. THEY'RE REALLY GOOD,FRESH.

WOW.AND SWEET.

I LIKE WHEN THE PEACHIS FRESH AND SWEET.YEAH.

MY NAME IS SPOON LUVFROM UP ABOVE.

FROM...?

WHAT ABOUT NASTY PEACHES?

NASTY PEACHES?MM-HMM.

WE AIN'T GOTNO NASTY PEACHES.

OH, MAN. YOUR PEACHESARE ALL GLEAMIN'.

SO LET ME ASK YOUA QUESTION.

DO YOU--SO YOU SELLROAST BEEF, UH, CURTAINS?

ROAST BEEF CURTAINS?

YEAH.

WHAT ARE THOSE?HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

WHAT ARE ROAST BEEF CURTAINS?

WHAT?

ROAST BEEF CURTAINS.

I DON'T THINK WE SELLANYTHING LIKE THAT.

DO YOU EAT PEACHES?

YEAH.

I LOVE TO EATPEACHES, TOO.

YEAH. IT'S GOOD.

THEY'RE REALLY GOOD FOR--

IT'S SWEETIN THE MIDDLE, RIGHT?RIGHT.

YOU'RE A PEACH, BABY?

I'D LIKE TO TASTEYOUR NECTAR.

EXCUSE ME?

CAN MY BANANA GETWITH YOUR PEACHES?

HA HA HA. YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO COME IN THE STORE AND SEE.

CAN I ASK YOU--DO THEY HAVE,LIKE, BADONKADONK BUTTER? HUH?

UH, I'M NOT SUREWHAT THIS HAS TO DO

WITH YOU WANTING TO KNOWSOMETHIN' ABOUT PEACHES, SO...

PUT IT THIS WAY.

DO YOU WORK IT BIGIN THE MEAT?

NO, I DON'T WORKIN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT.

YOU WANNA TALK TO SOMEBODYIN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT?

DO YOU HAVE TITTY FRUITS?

NO.

WHAT ABOUT EGGPLANTS?

UH-HUH.

WHAT ABOUT SPERM PLANTS?

ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.

DO YOU HAVE--DO YOU GUYSHAVE VAGINA BELLIES?

BYE.

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