Tracy Morgan & Jimmy Kimmel

  • Season 3, Ep 15
  • 01/26/2005

Special Ed wants to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and Spoonie Luv learns a little about peaches.

(ring)

JAKE'S DINER.

YES. HI.DO YOU TAKE RESERVATIONS?

WE... DON'T NEED THEM,

BUT IF YOU'D LIKETO MAKE THEM, YOU CAN.

THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.MY NAME IS JEFF EMERICK.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATIONFOR 2 AT 8.

OKAY.THAT'S RIGHT, 2 AT 8.

OKAY.

AND I KNOW WHATYOU'RE THINKING--

ISN'T THATA LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS?(bell dings)

NO.

LET ME LET YOU INON A LITTLE SECRET.OKAY.

PRESUMPTION CREATESCERTAINTY.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?YES.

NUMBER TWO, I'D LIKE TO HAVEA TABLE NEXT TO A WINDOW.OKAY.

DO YOU HAVE WINDOWS?WE DO.

FANTASTIC.WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.OKAY.

(bell dings)STEP THREE--I WILL PRE-ORDER

SO THAT THE FOOD IS READYWHEN I ARRIVE WITH MY DATE.OKAY.

PREPARATION IS THE KEYTO RELAXATION

AND TO THE FOUNDATION OFSUCCESS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

KAYLA.

KAYLA, WHAT HAVE YOULEARNED SO FAR?

THAT I NEED TO BEPRESUMPTUOUS

AND... KNOW WHATYOU'RE DOING AHEAD OF TIME?

WE'RE ALREADYHALFWAY THERE.

THERE ARE THREE KEYSTO MY HAVING A GOOD TIME

AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT--(bell dings)

CONFIDENCE, SELF-RELIANCEAND POSITIVE THINKING.

WE DON'T SAY "DON'T"AND WE CAN'T SAY "CAN'T."

SIX MONTHS AGO, I COULDN'TAFFORD TO EAT THERE,

BUT I FOUND A SYSTEMTHAT HAS MADE ME RICH

BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.(bell dings)

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITHTHE TRIANGLE OF TOTALITY?NO.

NEED AND ABILITYARE THE CORNERSTONES.

AT THE PEAKIS OPPORTUNITY,

AND INSIDE THE TRIANGLE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT THERE IS?

NO.

NO, NO, WRONG.THAT'S WAY WRONG.

ANYWAY,ABOUT THE TABLE.

OKAY, THE TABLE.HELLO?

YES.OH, I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T HEARWHAT YOU SAID THERE.

I WAS DISTRACTED BY ANOTHERSOUND. YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?NO.

IT WAS THE SOUND OFYOUR VAST INNER POTENTIAL

STRUGGLING TO GET OUT.

OKAY.

SEE, NOW YOU'RE TALKING NOW

WITH WHAT I CALLYOUR OUTER VOICE.

FORGET YOUR OUTER VOICE.

FORGET YOUR INNER VOICE,TOO.

YOU WANNA LISTENTO THE THIRD VOICE,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT,ME.(bell dings)

I'M LISTENING.

A LOT OF MAƮTRE D'SI SPEAK TO

TELL ME THE SAME THING--

"WE DON'T HAVE A TABLEFOR THAT TIME."

AND I TELL THEM THIS--IT'S NOTTOO LATE TO CHANGE THAT.

WELL, WE DO HAVE A TABLE.

I TELL YOU WHAT.(bell dings)

LET'S STARTTHIS CONVERSATION OVER,

ONLY THIS TIMEWHEN YOU PICK UP THE PHONE,

REMEMBER THAT ONLY YOU AREIN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN DESTINY.

YOU ARE UNTAPPED ENERGY.

YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL PERSON,OR AT LEAST YOU COULD BE.

(bell dings)ARE YOU STILL THERE?

I'M STILL HERE.

GOOD. LET'S DOA VISUALIZATION EXERCISE.

CLOSE YOUR--(phone clicks)

(phone rings)

JAKE'S DINER.

YES, YOU JUSTHUNG UP ON ME,

AND THAT'S GOOD.(bell dings)

YOU ARE IN CONTROLOF YOUR OWN DESTINY.

(phone clicks)

(bell dinging)

HELLO?

YES. GOOD AFTERNOON.MY NAME IS YVONNE BARNEY.

I'M CALLING IN REFERENCETO THE AD IN THE PAPER

THIS AFTERNOONABOUT TELEMARKETERS WANTED.

OH, GREAT, GREAT.

UH, DO YOU HAVEANY TELEMARKETING EXPERIENCE?

NO, I HAVECUSTOMER SERVICE EXPERIENCE.

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S A GOOD START.

WHAT WE DO HERE IS A LITTLE BITDIFFERENT, THOUGH.

OUR ANGLEIS THAT WE SORT OF PREY

ON THE SYMPATHIESOF OUR CUSTOMERS.

UM, WE WILL HAVE OURTELEMARKETERS SPEAK IN A STUTTER

OR SOME OTHER DEVICE THATMAKES THEM FEEL SORRY FOR US,

SO THAT THEY BUYMORE PRODUCTS.

YOU PLAY THE GAME,YOU HAVE TO PLAY A GAME.

I UNDERSTAND.

CAN YOU DO A STUTTERFOR ME?

Y-Y-Y-YEAH.

GOOD! GOOD, GOOD.THAT WAS GREAT.(chuckles)

OKAY, LET'S DOA QUICK ROLE-PLAY.

UH, I'M GONNA BE THE CUSTOMER,

AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE MEA SALES PITCH,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA DO ITWITH A STUTTER.

ALL RIGHT, YVONNE,YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME BIBLES.

BIBLES?

OKAY, READY?I'LL START.

(imitates woman)HELLO. WHO'S THIS?

Y-Y-Y-YES. G-G-G-GOOD AFT--

M-M-M-MY NAME ISM-MISS BARNEY,

AND I'M CALLING

FROM THE G-G-GOD CREATIONSBIBLE COMPANY.

YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

UH, O-OF COURSE.

TH-THERE IS A GOD,O-O-OR WE'D--

WHY WOULD GODGIVE YOU A STUTTER?

WELL, GOD HAS DI-DI-DIFFERENTTHINGS FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE,

AND I GUESS--

(normal voice) MY GOD.YVONNE, YOU'RE A NATURAL.

LET'S GETA LITTLE MORE ADVANCED NOW.

CAN YOU GIVE MEA SICKLY WHISPER?

SORT OF LIKE YOU'VE JUST HADA TRACHEOTOMY.

(raspy voice)H-H-H-HELLO?

(mumbling) THIS IS--THIS IS--THIS IS MRS. B-B-ARNEY.

(Southern accent) LISTEN,LADY, WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLIN',

I DON'T NEED IT.

SIR, JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE.

I KNOW I HAVE TO PAY THE BILLSAND EVERYTHING I HAVE.

I'M SELLING BIBLES.DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

BIBLES?I HATE THE BIBLE!

I AM 100% BUDDHIST!

WELL, SIR, THERE HAS TO BEA S-S-S-S-UPREME--

SUPREME BE-B-B-BEINGSOMEWHERE,

O-O-OR NEITHER ONE OF USW-W-WOULD BE HERE.

WELL, I HATE THE BIBLE,

BUT YOU DO HAVESUCH A SAD, SICKLY VOICE,

YOU SORT OF CONVINCED ME.

HOW MUCHFOR THAT PIECE-OF-CRAP BIBLE?

THE--THE BIBLES ARE $30--$39.95.

(normal voice)YVONNE, I GOTTA TELL YOU,

THAT WAS PHENOMENAL--THE WAY YOU STUCK WITH IT

WHEN THE GUY DIDN'T WANNA BUYTHE BIBLE,

AND YOU TOTALLYBROUGHT HIM AROUND.

THAT'S JUSTWHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.UH-HUH.

OKAY, YVONNE, ONE LAST THING.

WE'D LIKE FOR YOU TO TRYDOING THE VOICE

OF SOMEONE WHO'S JUST HADEXTREME HEAD TRAUMA--

VERY SAD, SLOW VOICE,

JUST--JUST SHORTOF A VEGETABLE, BASICALLY.

OKAY.

(mumbling and lispingin deep, raspy voice)

MY--MY NAME IS--IS YVONNE BARNEY.

AND I-I-I

I'VE TRIED TO SELL YOUA BIBLE--

A RE-REALLY GOOD BIBLE.

UH...

(mumbling) AND THIS ISYVONNE BARNEY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YVONNE,YOU ARE THE MICHAEL JORDAN

OF SLOW, STUTTERINGHALF-WITS.

WE'LL BE IN TOUCH,

AND I'LL CALL YOU BACKIN A FEW DAYS, OKAY?

(normal voice) OKAY.

BYE. (phone clicks)

YES,I'M A SINGER/SONGWRITER.

OKAY.

AND I'M WRITING A SONGABOUT PEACHES,

AND I JUST NEEDED SOMEINFORMATION ABOUT PEACHES.

(snickering) OKAY.

I JUST WANNA KNOW,DO PEACHES GROW ON TREES,

OR ARE THEY LIKE AN ANIMAL?

(laughing)THEY GROW ON TREES.

WOW. ARE YOUR PEACHES WAXED?

NO.

ARE THEY FUZZY?

NO. THEY'RE REALLY GOOD,FRESH.

WOW.AND SWEET.

I LIKE WHEN THE PEACHIS FRESH AND SWEET.YEAH.

MY NAME IS SPOON LUVFROM UP ABOVE.

FROM...?

WHAT ABOUT NASTY PEACHES?

NASTY PEACHES?MM-HMM.

WE AIN'T GOTNO NASTY PEACHES.

OH, MAN. YOUR PEACHESARE ALL GLEAMIN'.

SO LET ME ASK YOUA QUESTION.

DO YOU--SO YOU SELLROAST BEEF, UH, CURTAINS?

ROAST BEEF CURTAINS?

YEAH.

WHAT ARE THOSE?HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

WHAT ARE ROAST BEEF CURTAINS?

WHAT?

ROAST BEEF CURTAINS.

I DON'T THINK WE SELLANYTHING LIKE THAT.

DO YOU EAT PEACHES?

YEAH.

I LOVE TO EATPEACHES, TOO.

YEAH. IT'S GOOD.

THEY'RE REALLY GOOD FOR--

IT'S SWEETIN THE MIDDLE, RIGHT?RIGHT.

YOU'RE A PEACH, BABY?

I'D LIKE TO TASTEYOUR NECTAR.

EXCUSE ME?

CAN MY BANANA GETWITH YOUR PEACHES?

HA HA HA. YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO COME IN THE STORE AND SEE.

CAN I ASK YOU--DO THEY HAVE,LIKE, BADONKADONK BUTTER? HUH?

UH, I'M NOT SUREWHAT THIS HAS TO DO

WITH YOU WANTING TO KNOWSOMETHIN' ABOUT PEACHES, SO...

PUT IT THIS WAY.

DO YOU WORK IT BIGIN THE MEAT?

NO, I DON'T WORKIN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT.

YOU WANNA TALK TO SOMEBODYIN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT?

DO YOU HAVE TITTY FRUITS?

NO.

WHAT ABOUT EGGPLANTS?

UH-HUH.

WHAT ABOUT SPERM PLANTS?

ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.

DO YOU HAVE--DO YOU GUYSHAVE VAGINA BELLIES?

BYE.

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