February 10, 2015 - Who's Raising Our Kids?

  • 02/10/2015

Panelists Retta, Anne-Marie Johnson, Deborah Tillman and Pete Dominick sit down with Larry to discuss free-range parenting, government overreach and child discipline.

>> Larry: TONIGHTLY,WE'RE TALKING PARENTING.

IS UNCLE SAM TRYING TO RAISEYOUR KIDS?

AND BY UNCLE SAM I MEAN THEGOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR MOM'S

CREEPY BROTHER THAT ALWAYSWANTS TO "WRESTLE."

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S RIGHT.

THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO RAISEYOUR KIDS.

HEY, IF THEY CAN GET THEM TOSHOVEL THE DRIVEWAY, BE MY

GUEST.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S 11:30.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR KIDS ARE?

OF COURSE YOU DO.

THEY'RE ASLEEP NEXT TO YOU.

AND THEY'RE 26.

( LAUGHTER )SO UNLATCH YOUR 12-YEAR-OLD FROM

YOUR GLUTEN-FREE TEAT, AND LET'SSTART THIS THING.

THIS IS "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

>> Larry: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

I APPRECIATE IT.

THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU GUYS

THANKS FOR WAITING.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS, WE MAY ADD AD.J., AND A HOUSE BAND, MAYBE BY

TOMORROW.

PUT WE'LL SEE.

YEAH.

EVERYBODY IS FOR THAT.

NOW, YOU KNOW,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT

LATELY I'VE BEEN NOTICING A RASHOF PARENTING STORIES THAT'VE

BEEN TOTALLY CRAZY.

>> DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUTTHE MOM WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR

LETTING HER 9-YEAR-OLDDAUGHTER PLAY AT THE PLAYGROUND?

>> Larry: NO, I HAVEN'T HEARDIT, BUT I LOVE A GOOD JOKE.

CONTINUE.

>> PUBLIC SAFETY INVESTIGATORSSAY 46-YEAR-OLD DEBRA HARRELL

CONFESSED TO LEAVING HER9-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER ALONE IN THE

PARK FOR SEVERAL HOURS WHILE SHEWENT TO WORK.

>> DEBRA HARRELL WAS ARRESTEDAND CHARGED WITH THE UNLAWFUL

NEGLECT OF A CHILD.

HER DAUGHTER WAS REPORTEDLYTAKEN INTO CUSTODY.

>> Larry: WELL, SHE LEFT HER KIDIN THE PARK.

I GUESS THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOOGOOD.

AND, OKAY, IF THERE'S ONE WAY TOFIX A NEGLECTED DAUGHTER ISSUE,

IT'S TO THROW HER ONLY PARENT INJAIL AND TOSS THE KID INTO THE

OH-SO-RELIABLE FOSTER CARESYSTEM.

( LAUGHTER )PROBLEM SOLVED.

GOOD.

NOW, YOU CAN ARGUE THAT THIS MOMDID OR DIDN'T DO SOMETHING

WRONG, BUT ALL THIS NEXT GUY DIDWAS SEND HIS SON TO CHURCH.

CHECK THIS OUT.

>> THE CHARGE STEMS FROM JEFFREYWILLIAMSON'S 8-YEAR-OLD SON,

JUSTIN, NOT GETTING ON A CHURCHBUS WITH HIS SIBLINGS IN MAY.

INSTEAD, THE BOY WENT TO PLAY INTHE NEIGHBORHOOD.

POLICE BROUGHT HIM BACK ANDCHARGED HIS FATHER WITH CHILD

ENDANGERING.

>> Larry: OK, JUST TO BE CLEAR,THE DAD GOT ARRESTED BECAUSE HIS

SON PLAYED HOOKY FROM CHURCH.

( LAUGHTER )I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU CONVICT HIM

OF, NOT PREDICTING THE FUTURE?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TAKING HIMTO OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL

BOREDOM.

OKAY.

IT'S A VERY GOOD CHURCH,ACTUALLY.

( APPLAUSE )WAIT, OKAY, THIS STORY ACTUALLY

GETS BETTER.

BECAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKINGTHE QUESTION, WHAT DID THIS KID

DO ON HIS CHURCH HOOKY CRIMEWAVE, STEAL A CAR?

LIGHT A GARBAGE CAN ON FIRE?

KNOCK OVER A LIQUOR STORE?

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> JUSTIN ENDED UP AT THE FAMILYDOLLAR STORE ON BUSY ROUTE 28,

ABOUT A HALF MILE FROM THEFAMILY'S HOME.

>> Larry: THE DOLLAR STORE?

( LAUGHTER )HE WAS HANGING AT THE DOLLAR

STORE?

AND HIS DAD GOT ARRESTED?

YOU KNOW WHO THEY SHOULD ARREST?

THE LIARS AT THE DOLLAR STOREWHERE EVERYTHING IS NOT A

DOLLAR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )RIGHT?

BUT NO, THEY ARREST THE DAD, WHOTHEN, BY THE WAY, WINDS UP

LOSING HIS JOB.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

AND THEN, IRONICALLY,CAN ONLYSHOP AT THE DOLLAR STORE.

IT'S A CRUEL CHURCH-TO-HOOKY-TODOLLAR-STORE-TO-UNEMPLOYMENT-TO-

DOLLAR-STORE CYCLE.

BAM!

I GUESS THE SYSTEM GOT YOU, DADWHO LIKES TO SEND HIS KID TO

CHURCH.

THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY CASESLIKE THIS LATELY THAT SOME

PARENTS ARE TAKING MATTERS INTOTHEIR OWN HANDS.

>> IT'S AN APPROACH KNOWN THESEDAYS AS FREE-RANGE PARENTING.

>> I'M JUST PARENTING THE WAY IWAS PARENTED, THE WAY ALMOST

EVERY ADULT I KNOW WAS PARENTED.

>> Larry: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RETHINKING-- FREE RANGE JUST

MEANS THEY'RE LETTING THEIR KIDSROAM THEIR PROPERTY EATING

GRASS, RIGHT?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SAMETHING, RIGHT, RIGHT?

NO, NO, THOSE ARE OPEN-RANGEKIDS.

FREE-RANGE PARENTING IS JUSTA NEW WAY TO SAY OLD STUFF.

JUST LIKE HOW YOGA REPLACEDSTRETCHING.

SAME THING.

OKAY, IN THIS CASE, THESEPARENTS PUT

A TAG AROUND THEIR KIDS' NECKS,SO WHEN THE KIDS ARE ON THEIR

OWN, PEOPLE WILL KNOW THEY'RENOT LOST AND THAT THEIR PARENTS

AREN'T THE HORRIBLE MONSTERSSOCIETY THINKS THEY ARE, THUS

AVOIDING A "CHURCH DAD"SITUATION.

( LAUGHTER )ALL RIGHT.

SO LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO THEPARENTS WHO WENT TO ALL THE

TROUBLE OF TAGGING THEIRFREE-RANGE CALVES.

>> A PAIR OF MARYLAND PARENTSARE ACCUSED OF CHILD NEGLECT

AFTER ALLOWING THEIR TWO KIDS TOWALK HOME ALONE FROM A PARK

ABOUT A MILE AWAY.

>> ALEX AND HIS WIFE, DANIELLE,SAY AT ONE POINT THERE WERE SIX

OFFICERS AT THEIR HOME.

THEY ARE NOW BEING CHARGED WITHCHILD NEGLECT.

>> Larry: "ALL RIGHT OFFICERS,WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF SITUATIONS

OUT THERE. OFFICER DELANCEY, YOUGO CHECK ON THAT HOSTAGE

STANDOFF AT THE SHOPPING MALL.

WAKOWSKY, JENKINS, MCCOY,SIEDELL, RUPRECHT, WERTHMANN,

YOU GUYS, SEE IF YOU CAN GET AHANDLE ON THOSE KIDS WALKING

HOME FROM THE PARK, ALL RIGHT?

( APPLAUSE )AND, HEY, BE CAREFUL OUT

THERE."

WHO'S RUNNING THAT PRECINCT,CAPTAIN DISPROPORTIONATE?

( LAUGHTER )OKAY, LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO

ARREST PARENTS WHO ARE ACTUALLYMISTREATING THEIR KIDS,

ARREST THESE PARENTS.

>> A BARBER IN GEORGIA OFFERINGTO GIVE BAD HAIRCUTS TO

LITTLE BOYS AS PUNISHMENT FORMISBEHAVING.

RUSSELL FREDERICK IS GIVINGKIDS EMBARRASSING HAIRCUTS TO

MAKE THEM RESEMBLE OLD BALDINGMEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Larry: I KNOW EXACTLY WHATYOU'RE THINKING, AND THAT IS SO

( BLEEP )ED UP, YOU GUYS.

THIS KID WAS PUBLICLYHUMILIATED, AND NOTHING HAPPENED

TO THE PARENTS.

I MEAN, EVEN CAPTAINDISPROPORTIONATE WOULD CONSIDER

A SHAMING GEORGE JEFFERSON-LIKEHAIRCUT A THREE-OFFICER

RESPONSE.

( LAUGHTER )AND ALL OF THESE STORIES REMIND

ME THAT PARENTING HAS CHANGEDOVER THE YEARS, AND I'M NOT SURE

THAT IT'S CHANGED FOR THE GOOD.

I MEAN, ARE WE BEINGOVER-PROTECTIVE?

DO WE NEED TO GIVE OUR KIDS ALITTLE SPACE TO GROW UP.

AND IS IT THE GOVERNMENT'S JOBTO RAISE OUR KIDS?

IN FACT, BACK IN THE 1970S, IHOSTED-- IF I MAY SAY SO

MYSELF-- ONE OF THE HIPPEST TALKSHOWS ON UHF.

IF YOU COULD GET THE RECEPTION,IT WAS AWESOME.

WE ACTUALLY ADDRESSED THIS VERYTOPIC.

YOU'LL SEE HOW DIFFERENTLY WEHANDLED PARENTING BACK THEN.

I DON'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT ISAID, BUT I REMEMBER IT WAS

GOOD.

TAKE A LOOK.

TAKE A LOOK.

BEFORE WE BRING OUT OUR FIRSTGET, LOLA, DIG THIS, SATURDAY,

MY WIFE AND I HOSTED OUR MONTHLYBARBECUE.

THANKS FOR ALL THE VIEWERS WHOCAME OUT AND JOINED US.

IT'S REALLY A GREAT WAY TOMINGLE, MEET PEOPLE.

NOTHING LIKE BURGERS, DOGS ANDWIFE SWAPPING.

DIG THIS.

I LET MY YOUNGEST SONTUTANKHAMEN LIGHT THE BARBECUE.

IT'S A TRADITION WHEN A BOYTURNS FOUR AND BECOMES A MAN.

THE FIRE GOT A LITTLE OUT OFHAND, THE FUZZ SHOWS UP AND I

HAD TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OFTUTANKHAMEN

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

TONIGHT'S TOPIC IS CHILDDISCIPLINE-- HOW FAR SHOULD YOU

GO?

AS A DAD, I THINK THE MOSTIMPORTANT THING YOU COULD TELL

YOUR KID IS SHUT THE ( BLEEP )UP.

( LAUGHTER )I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER ROLE

MODEL THAN FRED G. STANFORD. GSTANDS FOR "GET MY BELT"

I ACKNOWLEGE THIS MIGHT JUST BEA JIVE TURKEY ISSUE, I GET THAT

THERE ARE ALL KIND OF WAYS TODISCIPLINE A KID.

YOU THROW A BOOK AT THE BACK OFTHE KID'S HEAD.

THAT WILL GET THEIR ATTENTION.

AFTER YOU'VE GOTTEN THEIRATTENTION, THEY CAN READ THE

BOOK.

DIG THAT.

WORDS OF WISDOM.

OH, 70s LARRY, SIMPLER TIMES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: THEY'RE VERY GOOD.

WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARENTINGAND DISCIPLINE AND GOVERNMENT

AND ALL THAT STUFF.

JOINING ME ON THE PANEL TONIGHT:ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN, RETTA.

ACTRESS AND ACTIVIST SHE'SBEEN IN MANY OF MY FAVORITE

THINGS--ANNE-MARIE JOHNSON.

AUTHOR OF "PARENTING ONPURPOSE," DEBORAH TILLMAN.

AND ONE OF THE FUNNIESTCOMEDIANS OUT THERE AND HOST OF

"STAND UP! WITH PETE DOMINICK"ON SIRIUS XM, PETE DOMINICK.

WE TALKED ABOUT PARENTING ANDDISCIPLINE-- I FIND DISCIPLINE--

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, TOO, ITIS ONE OF THE MOST DIVISIVE

ISSUE HERE IN OUR COUNTRY.

I WANT TO ASK THIS QUESTIONFIRST, WHO, HERE, WAS SPANK AS A

CHILD?

>> PROUDLY.

>> WOULD A WOODEN SPOON COUNT?

I NEVER-->> Larry: IS THAT HOW YOU WERE

SPANKED?

>> MY MOM HIT ME WITH A WOODENSPOON.

>> Larry: WHERE DID SHE HITYOU?

>> ACROSS THE LOWER BACK UNTILIT BROKE AND THEN SHE

STABBED ME WITH IT>> Larry: SHE STABBED YOU?

>> NO-- LIGHTLY, YES, PUNCTUREWOUNDS.

>> Larry: I THINK THERE'SANOTHER QUESTION.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE I TALK TOFROM A CERTAIN GENERATION HAVE

BEEN SPANKED.

BUT THEY FEEL DIFFERENTLY ABOUTSPANKING.

>> YES!

>> Larry: SO WOULD YOU SPANK?

>> YES.

>> Larry: YOU WOULD SPANK?

>> YES.

>> NO!

FIRST OF ALL, STOP CALLING ITSPANKING, LARRY.

IT'S HITTING YOUR KID!

>> IT'S SPANKING.

>> IT'S HITTING YOUR KIDS.

YOU HIT THEM.

YOU DON'T LITTLE PEOPLE!

>> Larry: I DON'T,-- I DON'TTHINK YOU HAVE WATCHED "GAME OF

THRONES "MY FRIEND.

>> IT'S CALLED READING ANDLEARNING HOW TO--

>> Larry: YOU'RE COMPLETELYAGAINST IT?

>> YES!

>> Larry: BUT YOUR MOM STABBEDYOU WITH A SPOON.

>> WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT HITTINGMY KIDS!

>> Larry: I GET IT, I GETIT.

RETTA, WHERE DO YOU STAND?

>> I BELIEVE IN SPANKING BUT ITHAS TO BE A SITUATION WHERE WHEN

YOU TALK TO THE CHILD YOU THEYHAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY DID

AND YOU SAY THE NEXT TIME-->> Larry: WHAT LEVEL OF

SPANKING?

YOU WOULDN'T USE A BELT ORSOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> NO.

>> Larry: YOU JUST HIT THEM ONTHE BEHIND OR SOMETHING LIKE

THAT?

>> YES.

>> Larry: DEBORAH, YOU'RELOOKING LIKE--WHERE DO YOU STAND

>> DISCIPLINE-- WE HAVE TO GOBACK TO WHAT IT MEANS.

DISCIPLINE MEANS TO TEACH ANDWHEN YOU HIT A CHILD THAT

TEACHES THEM THAT'S HOW WEHANDLE A PROBLEM, BY HITTING AND

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A VIOLENTSOCIETY NOW BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS

HITTING AND NOT COMMUNICATINGAND NOT RESOLVING.

OR -->> I HAVE TO TELL THIS STORY.

I USED TO DO THIS TO MY KIDSWHEN THEY WERE REAL LITTLE.

IT DIDN'T HURT BUT IT WOULD GETTHEIR ATTENTION.

AND I REMEMBER I DID IT TO MYSON AND HE WAS THREE OR FOUR, I

SAID, "JOHN, DON'T DO THAT."

AND I DID THAT AND HE SAID,"DON'T HIT JOHNNY."

AND IT BROKE MY HEART.

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT."

I NEVER DID IT AGAIN.

BUT I WANT TO ASK YOU THIS, DOYOU THINK SOCIETY HAS TOO MUCH

TO SAY NOW IN HOW WE RAISE OURKIDS?

IS IT THE RIGHT AMOUNT?

ARE THEY INTERFERING TOO MUCH?

SOME OF THESE STORIES ABOUTPARENTS GETTING ARRESTED FOR

LETTING THEIR KIDS WALK TO THEPARK?

>> I THINK SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SOSCREWED UP SOCIETY HAS TO

INTERVENE.

>> RIGHT.

>> I THINK WE HAVE A CULTUREOF SO MANY SCREWED UP PEOPLE

THAT SOMETIMES SOCIETY HAS TOINTERVENE.

WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT IT TAKES AVILLAGE, IT REALLY DOES BECAUSE

SOME PEOPLE WERE NOT-- WERE NOTPUT ON EARTH TO HAVE CHILDREN.

>> Larry: RETTA, YOUR FAMILYIS FROM LIBERIA, RIGHT--

>>( APPLAUSE )

TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WHOLEVILLAGE RAISING THING THERE.

>> OH, THEY BELIEVE IN THAT.

ANYONE COULD DISCIPLINE ANYCHILD IN ANY SITUATION IF YOU --

>> DISCIPLINE IN LIBERIA, WHAT'STHAT?

>> YOU COULD GET SMACKED BYSOMEBODY ELSE.

>> Larry: LIBERIA SMACKED.

IT'S DIFFERENT FROM AMERICASHACK.

>> I DIDN'T GROW UP IN LIBERIA.

I GREW UP WITH LIBERIAIANS.

>> Larry: HOW DID YOU KNOWWHAT I MEANT BY THAT?

>> IT REALLY DOES WORK.

WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE IN THISCOMMUNITY TOGETHER.

>> YES DISWHR.

>> SO WHY NOT BE ABLE TO HELPAND SUPPORT PARENTS?

AND IF THE PARENTS, A SINGLE MOMCAN'T DO IT, WHY NOT STEP IN AND

SUPPORT HER?

>> Larry: BUT THEY'REPUNISHING THE SINGLE MOM.

THIS IS A SINGLE MOM WHO THEIRKID WAS LEFT AT HOME BECAUSE SHE

DIDN'T HAVE THE FUND TO-->> , OF COURSE,.

>> IT'S ABOUT ECONOMICS.

YOU ASKED HAS SOCIETY GOT TOOMUCH INFORMATION?

AND -->> ARE THEY INTERFERING TOO

MUCH?

>> WE ARE ABOUT EVERYTHING BUTTHE POINT I'LL FLIP THAT ON ITS

HEAD-- THINGS ARE BETTER TODAYTHAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN.

VIOLENCE IS DOWN.

THERE'S NO KIDNAPPING.

I HAD A NEIGHBOR SAY, "WHY AREYOU LETTING YOUR DAUGHTER, SHE'S

SEVEN YEARS OLD, YOU'RE LETTINGHER WALK THE DOG AROUND?"

I SAID I WANT TO RAISE HER TO BECOMPETENT AND INDEPENDENT AND

OH, NO ONE HAS EVER BEENKIDNAPPED IN MY COMMUNITY, EVER.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

GRANTED I HAVE HER MICROCHIPPEDAND WEARING A HELMET.

>> Larry: RETTA, YOU WEREGOING TO SAY SOMETHING EARLIER.

>> WELL, I WAS GOING TO AGREEWITH ANNE MARIE IN THAT, YES, WE

LIVE IN A BETTER SITUATION NOW,BUT IT'S NOT PERFECT.

YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE ABLE TO DOCERTAIN THINGS OUT IN PUBLIC.

>> IT HAS TO BE IN THE BESTTRANSLATE CHILD, AND IT HAS TO

BE THE PARENT MAKING THATCHOICE-- YOU WON'T DO IT.

>> Larry: LET ME ASK YOU ASIDE ISSUE BECAUSE SPANKING, I

KNOW, IS VERY DIVISIVE.

HOW ABOUT DISCIPLINING KIDS?

I THINK WE'VE BEEN A LITTLE LAXON THAT.

>> YES.

>> Larry: CAN YOU JUST BE,LIKE, IN A STORE, YOU KNOW, AS A

PARENT AND YOU SEE A KID DOINGSOMETHING WRONG, IS IT OKAY TO

TELL THAT KID, "YOU NEED TOSTOP?"

>> I DO.

>> Larry: CAN YOU DISCIPLINESOMEONE ELSE'S KID.

>> I DO.

BUT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU TO.

>> Larry: ARE YOU COOL WITHSOMEONE DOING IT TO YOUR KID?

>> YES, AND HE'S 22, SO-- IRAISED HIM-- HE'S A GREAT KID.

>> Larry: PETE, ARE YOU COOLWITH SOMEBODY ELSE DISCIPLINING

YOUR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD?

>> SOMEBODY ELSE DISCIPLINING MYDAUGHTER, ABSOLUTELY, IF IT'S

APPROPRIATE.

I GOTTA SAY, MY KIDS ARE VERYWELL BEHAVED.

>> Larry: WHAT IF THEY ABDUCTHER FIRST AND THEN DISCIPLINE?

IF THEY TAKE THE KIDS AND PUTTHEM IN A WINDOWLESS VAN, YEAH,

THAT'S AN ISSUE.

>> Larry: I DON'T WANT TO GOTHERE.

IT'S STARTING TO GET DARK HERE.

>> WHEN I'M AT THE MALL, WHENI'M AT A PLAYGROUND, YOU GUYS

DON'T KNOW THIS, YOU DON'T KNOWMY STRUGGLE AS A WHITE, BALD GUY

UNDER 40, EVERYBODY KNOW THINKSI'M THE KID SNATCHER.

>> OH!

>> SERIOUSLY, YOU PICTURE ME ANDLARRY WILMORE AT THE PLAYGROUND,

AND HE'S IN A SUIT, WHO DO YOULEAVE YOUR KID WITH?

>> WELL, HE HAS A SUIT ON?

>> Larry: I'M NOT SURE IF WESHOULD SPANK OUR KIDS OR NOT,

BUT I DO KNOW, NEVER LEAVE YOURKID WITH PETE DOMINICK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: ALL RIGHT.

IT'S OKAY.

THANK YOU.

IT'S TIME TO GET REAL ON APERSONAL LEVEL.

I LOVE THIS CROWD TONIGHT.

( CHEERS )BUT NOW WE GOTTA KEEP IT 100.

REMEMBER, I'M GOING TO ASK EACHOF YOU A QUESTION.

IF THE AUDIENCE THINKS YOU'REKEEPING IT 100% REAL WITH US,

THEY'LL LET YOU KNOW, AND I'LLGIVE YOU THIS FANCY

KEEPIN IT 100 STICKER.

BUT IF YOU DON'T, I'LL GIVE YOUA LITTLE BIT OF WEAK TEA.

WE'LL GIVE EVERYONE THE SAMEQUESTION ON THIS.

RETTA, LET'S START WITH YOU.

AND WHATEVER YOUR CHILDSITUATION IS NOW, JUST DON'T

THINK ABOUT THAT.

IT'S WHAT'S ON THIS CARD, OKAY?

RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE ONE KID.

YOU HAVE ONE KID.

LIKE, A YOUNG CHILD, SAY 8 OR 9,WHATEVER.

IT'S NOT YOUR 22-YEAR-OLDSCENARIO, BECAUSE THIS DOES NOT

WORK.

LET'S MAKE IT EVEN CUTER LIKE 4OR 5, REALLY CUTE, THE CUTEST

AGE POSSIBLE.

>> 3!

>> Larry: THAT'S EVEN CUTER.

IT DOESN'T GET CUTER THAN 3.

TERRIBLE TWOS, REALLY CUTE 3.>> JUST MAKE IT FETUS

>> IT'S GOT TO BE 3.

>> Larry: YOU HAVE TO PUT UPYOUR CHILD FOR ADOPTION.

IT GOT SAD ALL OF A SUDDEN,DIDN'T IT?

SO, WHAT OTHER RACE WOULD YOULET RAISE YOUR CHILD?

AND, AND IT CAN'T BE YOUR OWNRACE.

AND WHY?

>> I HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE.

>> Larry: YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.

>> THAT'S SO WRONG.

>> UM-- GOSH.

I DON'T KNOW.

FILIPINO?

>> Larry: FILIPINO.

OKAY.

AND WHY?

>> BECAUSE -->> WHY FILIPINO?

>> BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT OFFILIPINOS, AND I FEEL LIKE

THEY-- BASED ON MY FAMILY, THEYRAISE THEIR KIDS SIMILAR TO WHAT

MY PARENTS DID, AND I THINK MYPARENTS DID A GOOD JOB.

>> Larry: YOU ARE GOING WITHWHAT YOU KNOW.

>> YES.

>> Larry: OKAY, THAT'S KEEPINGIT REAL.

( APPLAUSE )WHAT OTHER RACE WOULD YOU LET

RAISE YOUR CHILD AND IT CAN'T BEYOUR OWN RACE?

>> DOES THAT INCLUDE AFRICA,KENYAN?

NO?

>> Larry: KENYAN NOT A RACE.

>> AFRICAN, NOT A.

>> LET'S DO... ASIAN.

LET'S DO ASIAN.

>> Larry: TIGER MOM?

>> TIGER MOM.

>> Larry: IS THAT WHY?

>> YEAH.

YOU KNEW FROM MY FACE.

>> Larry: IS THAT IT?

IS SHE KEEPING IT 100?

( APPLAUSE )SHE'S KEEPING IT 100.

>> TIGER MOM.

>> Larry: PETE, WHAT DO YOUGOT?

>> SAUDIS?

>> IS THAT A RACE?

>> Larry: WHY SAUDI.

IT'S NOT A RACE?

OKAY, A GROUP.

>> DEFINITELY THE JEWS.

>> Larry: THE JEWS?

( APPLAUSE ).

>> NOT THOSE TWO.

BUT -->> AND WHY THE JEWS?

>> BECAUSE THERE IS A REALPREMIUM ON CRITICAL THINKING AND

EDUCATION.

>> Larry: ARE YOU KISSING UPTO THE JEWS RIGHT NOW?

>> ABSOLUTELY, YES, I AM.

>> Larry: IS HE KEEPING IT100?

( APPLAUSE )OKAY.

HE MIGHT BE KISSING UP A LITTLEBIT.

GO FOR IT.

>> I'M GOING TO KISS UP BECAUSEI KISS MY JEWISH HUSBAND'S ASS

ALL THE TIME.

>> Larry: NO, NO, IT CAN'TBE-- SORRY.

>> SO IT CAN'T BE JEWISH.

>> Larry: NOPE, NOPE, BECAUSEHE'S YOUR HUSBAND.

>> SO IT HAS TO BE-- THEN IWOULD HAVE TO SAY THE LATINO

COMMUNITY.

I WOULD WANT -->> LATINO?

>> I WOULD WANT-- ONLY BECAUSENTTHE EXCITEMENT, THE LOVE, THE

ROMANCE, THE SERIOUSNESS, THE LAFAMILIA, THE COHESION

>> Larry: THE FOOD.

IS SHE KEEPING IT 100?

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: KEEPING IT 100.

AND I'M GIVING YOU A LITTLE TEAFOR THE JEWISH HUSBAND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE

HAVE FOR TONIGHT.

I WANT TO THANK OUR PANELISTS,RETTA, ANNE-MARIE JOHNSON,

DEBORAH TILLMAN, AND PETEDOMINICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THANK YOU.

AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR HELPING MEKEEP IT A HUNDRED ON TWITTER.

EACH OF OUR PANELISTS HAD TOANSWER A TOUGH QUESTION, AND I

HOLD MYSELF TO THE SAMESTANDARD.

NOW, REMEMBER, I DON'T GET ACHANCE TO SEE THIS QUESTION

UNTIL RIGHT NOW.

TONIGHT'S QUESTION COMES FROM@GARRETTWSAVAGE.

OK, GIVE ME THE QUESTION.

OH, MY GOSH.

IF YOUR CHILD MURDERED SOMEONEYOU DIDN'T LIKE, WOULD YOU HELP

THEM COVER IT UP?

( LAUGHTER )THOUGH I WOULD APPRECIATE THE

GESTURE-- NO, NO, NO, MY CHILDCAN'T GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

IT JUST CAN'T HAPPEN.

WHAT AM GONNA TURN IN MYCHILD FOR MURDER?

WE'LL SEE.

IT DEPENDS WHO IT IS.

YOU CAN THROW SOME WEAK TEA ANDGIVE ME A 100 STICKER TOO

FINALLY, WE HAVE A SPECIAL SHOWIN THE WORKS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

THIS TIME YOU GUYS GET TO ASKTHE QUESTIONS.

WE HAVE RECEIVED HUNDREDS OFGREAT QUESTIONS ABOUT THE

TOPICS WE HAVE COVERED SO FAR,FROM VACCINATING OUR KIDS TO

OBESITY TO BLACK FATHERHOOD TOBILL COSBY.

KEEP THEM COMING.

YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS ONTWITTER WITH THE HASHTAG NIGHTLY

SHOW.

YOU CAN EVEN MAKE A SHORT VIDEOOF YOUR QUESTION IF YOU WANT.

HEAD TO thenightlyshow.com FORMORE DETAILS.

FINALLY, THE AUDIENCE HAS NOTHEARD THIS, BUT JON STEWART JUST

ANNOUNCED THIS IS HIS LAST YEARON "THE DAILY SHOW."

I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONEWHEN I SAY WE LOVE YOU, MAN, AND

I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOREVERYTHING.

GOOD NIGHTLY, EVERYONE.