CC Presents: Tom Segura

  • Season 15, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011

- LUCKILY FOR ME,

THERE WAS ANOTHER SHOWON AFTER THAT LOTTERY SHOW.

THIS ONE WAS CALLED,"I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT."

[audience laughing]

YEAH.

I SAW THAT SHOW,AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR VAGINAWAS YANKEE STADIUM."

[audience laughing]

EXACTLY HOW MANY PEOPLENEED TO BE IN THERE,

BEFORE YOU REALIZESOMEBODY'S IN THERE.

[audience laughing]

YOU KNOW?

LIKE...

THE SHOW, IF YOU HAVEN'TSEEN IT, IT'S NOT, LIKE,

"OH, I MISSED MY PERIOD.

"TURNS OUT,I'M SIX WEEKS PREGNANT."

THAT'S NOT THE SHOW.

THE SHOW IS,"OH, I MISSED MY PERIOD.

"HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

"THAT'S A BABYCOMING OUT OF ME."

[audience laughing]

NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING YOUSHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE SHOW.

EVERY WOMAN ON THE SHOWIS MEXICAN, OKAY?

THEY'RE ALL MEXICAN,SO YOU KNOW

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIMETHAT THEY'VE BEEN PREGNANT.

[audience laughing]

SERIOUSLY?

WE'RE GONNA PLAYTHAT GAME, RIGHT NOW?

MEXICANS DON'THAVE BABIES?

I GUESS BLACK GUYSRAISE THEIR KIDS

AND PUERTO RICANS WON'TSTAB YOU IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

OKAY, COOL.

[audience laughing]

WHAT GAME ARE WEPLAYING, RIGHT NOW?

"THE REAL WORLDISN'T REAL GAME?"

YOU WANNAPLAY THAT GAME?

[audience laughing]

WELL, HERE'S MY QUESTIONFOR ALL THE SENORITAS

THAT DON'T KNOW THAT THERE'SA BABY INSIDE OF YOU.

[audience laughing]

DID YOU FORGETALL OF THE SYMPTOMS?

YOU PUT ON 60 POUNDS.

[audience laughing]

YOU THINK THAT'SFROM ALL THE CHURROS

THAT YOU'VEBEEN EATING?

[audience laughing]

YOU HAVE A BUBBLE BELLY,SWOLLEN FEET--

WHAT ABOUT THE KICKING,RIGHT, LADIES?

THE KICKING, WOULDN'TTHAT GIVE IT UP?

"HEY, PUT YOURHAND RIGHT HERE.

"WHAT'S THAT FEELLIKE TO YOU?"

"UH, IT FEELS LIKE YOUHAVE A BABY INSIDE OF YOU."

"NO, I JUST GOTTA FART.

[audience laughing]

"I GOTTA FART REAL BAD."

AND THEN THEY GETTO THE QUESTION

THAT YOU'RE DYINGTO ASK, WHICH IS,

"WELL, WHEN DID YOUKNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT?"

AND THEY ALLANSWER THE SAME WAY.

"WELL, ONE DAY,I WAS WALKING AROUND,

"AND I WAS LIKE, 'WHOA--I GOTTA TAKE A [deleted].'

"BUT THEN, WHENI WENT TO [deleted],

"IT WASN'T A [deleted].

[audience laughing]

"IT WAS A BABY."

SO YOU'RE LIKE,"OKAY, HEMMINGWAY,

"I SEE WHATYOU'RE SAYING,

[audience laughing]

BUT IT DOESBEG THE QUESTION,

"IF WHAT YOU THOUGHTWAS GONNA BE A [deleted]

"TURNS OUT TO BE A BABY,

"WHAT KINDS OF [deleted]ARE YOU NORMALLY TAKING?"

[audience laughing]

LIKE, I'M A BIG DUDE.

I'VE TAKEN SOMEMEAN DUMPS IN MY LIFE.

I'VE NEVER HAD A SEVEN POUND,FIVE OUNCE [deleted].

IF I DID, I WOULD RE-EVALUATEEVERYTHING IN MY LIFE...

[audience laughing]

PHYSICALLY,PSYCHOLOGICALLY, SPIRITUALLY,

I'M MAKIN' CHANGES,AND SO SHOULD YOU, MARISOL.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

WATCHING TELEVISION, ANDI SAW THIS SHOW CALLED,

"HOW WINNING THE LOTTERYCHANGES YOUR LIFE."

YEAH, WHICH JUST THEEXISTENCE OF THAT SHOW

MEANS THAT THERE AREENOUGH PEOPLE THAT GO,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU WIN THE LOTTERY.

"IF YOU COULD PLEASECREATE A MOVING PICTURE SHOW,

"SO I COULD WRAPMY HEAD AROUND IT,

"I'LL TUNE INEVERY WEEK."

REALLY-- I'VE NEVERWON THE LOTTERY.

I HAVE A PRETTY GOODIDEA OF WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU HAVE A LOTMORE [deleted] NOW.

END OF SHOW.

EVERYBODY ON THESHOW IS BORING, OKAY?

EXCEPT FOR THE GUY THATWON THE BIGGEST LOTTERY EVER,

$350 MILLION.

MM-HMM.

AND HE TAKES PRIDE IN THEFACT THAT HE'S NEVER CHANGED.

LIKE, HE STILL GOESTO WORK EVERYDAY,

HE STILL DRIVESTHE SAME CAR,

AND HE STILL DOESN'THAVE ANY TEETH.

WHAT-- YEAH.

[audience laughing]

NOW, I DON'T KNOWABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT IF I HAD$350 MILLION,

I'D BE BUYING OTHER PEOPLETEETH-- ALL RIGHT.

[audience laughing]

I'D JUST WALK DOWNTHE STREET AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, SMILE--WANT SOME TEETH?

[audience laughing]

"IT'S ON ME."

SPEAKING AS A GUY WITHA FULL SET OF CHOMPERS,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT HAVINGTEETH IS TOTALLY AWESOME,

[audience laughing]

AND IF YOUONLY HAVE $15,

YOU SHOULD USE THAT MONEYAS A DOWN PAYMENT FOR TEETH.

[audience laughing]

NOT ONLY WILL YOU GET TO ENJOYALL THE CUISINES OF THE WORLD,

BUT YOU ALSOWON'T LOOK LIKE,

WELL, LIKE YOU DON'THAVE ANY [deleted] TEETH.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

GET SOME TEETH.

CAN WE PARK AT TEETHFOR A SECOND, SERIOUSLY?

I'M MEETING PEOPLEALL THE TIME NOW,

THAT DON'THAVE ANY TEETH.

WHAT IS GOINGON IN YOUR HEAD,

WHERE YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TOWALK AROUND ALL MUSHY MOUTHED?

YOU KNOW, JUST...

[audience laughing]

DUDE, GET IT TOGETHER--THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHATYOUR BALLS LOOK LIKE,

IF THE PART EVERYBODY SEES,YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIF YOU DON'T HAVE TEETH, OKAY?

GET SOME FRIENDS.

GET SOME FRIENDS--HAVE THEM LEND YOU MONEY.

IF ANY OF MYFRIENDS WERE LIKE,

"HEY, TOM,CAN I BORROW $50?"

I'D BE LIKE, "WELL,WHAT DO YOU NEED $50 FOR?"

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUNOTICED, BUT WHEN I TALK,

"I DON'T HAVE ANY [deleted]TEETH IN MY MOUTH."

I'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT--I DID NOTICE THAT.

"HERE'S $100.

[audience laughing]

YOU DON'T HAVETO PAY ME BACK."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

I THINK, IN LIFE, YOUCAN ONLY REALLY COMMENT

ON THINGS YOU'VE EXPERIENCED--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IF I TELL YOU,

"YOU GOTTA GO EAT AT THISRESTAURANT-- "IT'S GREAT."

AND YOU GO THERE AND YOU'RELIKE, "IT WAS HORRIBLE."

I CAN'T REALLYARGUE WITH YOU,

BECAUSE YOU HADYOUR OWN EXPERIENCE.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL TOTALLYCOMFORTABLE TELLING YOU

THAT I DON'T LIKEMIDGETS... AT ALL.

[audience laughing]

I DON'T LIKE THEM, BECAUSETHEY'RE ALWAYS IN A BAD MOOD.

I DON'T KNOW IFIT'S THE DRINKING

OR JUST BEINGDOWN THERE,

BUT THEY AREALWAYS IN A BAD--

THEY'RE ALWAYSWITH THERE...

[indistinct]

WHICH I FINDKIND OF BIZARRE,

BECAUSE THEY WALK LIKETHERE'S A REALLY HAPPY SONG

PLAYING IN THEIRHEAD, YOU KNOW?

[audience laughing]

SO, USUALLY,WHEN I SEE A MIDGET,

I'M LIKE, "MAYBE,HE'LL JUGGLE"-- HE WON'T.

[audience laughing]

HE'S NOT GONNA DOANYTHING COOL, AT ALL.

I WAS DOING THIS SHOW,AND I DID SOME MIDGET JOKES,

AND EVERYBODY LIKESMIDGET JOKES, RIGHT?

RIGHT-- NO-- WRONG.

MIDGETS DON'TLIKE MIDGET JOKES.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEREWAS A MIDGET IN THE AUDIENCE,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVEEYES ON MY HIPS, OKAY?

[audience laughing]

SO...

I DID THE-- I DID THEJOKES, DID THE SHOW.

I FINISH-- I GO TOTALK TO THE BARTENDER.

I'M FACING AWAY-- I'M TALKINGTO THE BARTENDER LIKE THIS,

AND A MIDGET COMESUP BEHIND ME,

OR I THINK IT'S A MIDGET,BECAUSE I CAN FEEL...

[indistinct]

[audience laughing]

LIKE HEREAND HERE AND HERE.

SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT--THERE'S A MIDGET BEHIND ME,

"AND HE'S VERYUPSET RIGHT NOW."

SO I START TO BACK UP.

AND HE'S LIKE... [indistinct]AND I'M LIKE, "SPIT IT OUT!"

AND HE GOES, "YOU KNOW,YOU SHOULDN'T SAY 'MIDGET.'

"YOU SHOULDN'TSAY 'MIDGET.'

"YOU SHOULD SAY'LITTLE PEOPLE.'

"YOU SHOULDN'TSAY 'MIDGET.'"

"AND I'M LIKE'WHY NOT?'"

AND HE GOES,"'CAUSE SAYIN' 'MIDGET'

"IS LIKE SAYING'[deleted].'"

AND I WASLIKE, "WHOA!

[audience laughing]

FIRST OF ALL,WE'RE BOTH WHITE,

[audience laughing]

"AND IF SOMEBODY HEARS YOU,I'M NOT PROTECTING YOU.

[audience laughing]

"SECONDLY, IT'SNOT THE SAME THING,

"BECAUSE OUR ANCESTORS DIDN'TOWN MIDGETS-- ALL RIGHT?

[audience laughing]

"NOT UNLESS THEY WON SOMECRAZY HIGH STAKES POKER GAME

"THAT WAS, LIKE, 'I'M GOIN' ALLIN... PLUS THE COURT JESTERS!'"

[audience laughing]

NOW I WISH THEY DID--I WISH MY PARENTS WERE LIKE,

"TOM, YOUR GREAT, GREAT,GREAT, GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

"HE OWNED,LIKE, 40 MIDGETS."

[audience laughing]

BECAUSE I WOULD BE LIKE,"NO WAY-- DO WE STILL GET THEM?"

AND IF WE DID,I WOULD TAKE MY MIDGETS,

AND I WOULD PUT LITTLEBOWLS ON THEIR HEADS,

AND I WOULDFILL THEM

WITH DIFFERENT TYPESOF DIP AND SALSA,

AND I WOULD HAVETHEM WALK AROUND,

SO I COULD SCOOP OUTWHENEVER I FELT LIKE EATING.

[audience laughing]

"HEY, WANT SOME HUMUS!

"GET YOUR LITTLEASS OVER HERE!"

[cheers and applause]

LET'S RELAX.

I WAS JUST INATLANTIC CITY,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'REFAMILIAR WITH ATLANTIC CITY,

BUT IF YOU HATE YOURSELF ANDYOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS,

TAKE 'EM TOATLANTIC CITY.

[audience laughing]

IT'S BASICALLY, LIKE,IF LAS VEGAS HAD DIARRHEA,

BUT THEN WHENYOU WENT TO WIPE IT,

YOU DIDN'T USETOILET PAPER.

YOU JUST FOUND,LIKE, OLD CUPS AND...

TORN UP SHOES AND OTHERTHINGS YOU FIND IN A DUMPSTER,

AND THEN YOU WERETO THROW IT DOWN,

AND THEN,IT GREW LIGHTS.

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

THAT WOULD BEATLANTIC CITY.

EVERY GUY'S LIKE, "HEY,YOU KNOW TONY FROM OVER THERE.

"HE SAID HE MIGHT WANNA GO OVERTO THE THING AND YOU KNOW."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"FIRST OF ALL,

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ONA SHIRT-- ALL RIGHT.

"LIKE, LET'SSTART THERE."

AND THEN EVERYGIRL EITHER HAS

BLONDE HAIRWITH BLACK STREAKS

OR BLACK HAIRWITH BLONDE STREAKS,

WHICH EITHER WAY SAYS,"I DON'T HAVE A GAG REFLEX."

YEAH.

[audience laughing]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ATLANTIC CITYDOES HAVE A LOT OF...

CASINOS, YEAH.

OH, BOY, WHATA TREAT THAT IS.

I LOVE CASINOS, 'CAUSE CASINOSARE ONE OF THE LAST VENUES

WHERE YOU CAN SEE THE EXTREMESOF SOCIETY IN ONE PLACE.

WHERE ELSE CANYOU GET THAT?

REHAB?

THE ZOO?

CASINOS--GO TO A CASINO.

YOU CAN SEE A MANON THE CASINO FLOOR.

HE'S IN A SUITAND HE'S DRINKIN' SCOTCH.

HE'S PUTTIN' A FEW THOUSANDDOLLARS DOWN ON A HAND.

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"YEAH, DUDE,

"I CAN SEE WHY YOU'RE HERE--YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE."

AND THEN, RIGHT NEXT TO HIM,YOU SEE ANOTHER GUY,

AND HE'S WEARING JEAN SHORTSAND A SLEEVELESS SHIRT,

AND HE'S GOT FOUROPEN WOUNDS ON HIS FACE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"YEAH, I CAN SEEWHY YOU'RE HERE, TOO.

"YOU SEEM LUCKY."

[audience laughing]

IS THAT YOU GET TO EXPERIENCETHE FULL SPECTRUM OF GAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--LIKE... MOST PLACES,

YOU GO TO THEMIDWEST OR SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOUHAVE ANY GAY PEOPLE HERE?"

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"YOU MEAN THAT GUY THATWEARS PINK AND LIKES FRUIT?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE "NO,THERE'S WAY MORE THAN THAT."

LIKE, JUST TODAY,I SAW A "BUSINESS GAY,"

"ARTSY GAY,""DUNGEON GAY,"

AND MY ALL TIMEFAVORITE, "GYM RAT GAY."

YOU'VE SEEN HIM.

HE'S A BIZARRE HYBRIDOF SKINNY AND MUSCULAR.

HE HAS THE LEGSOF A FLAMINGO

AND THE CHESTOF A LUMBERJACK.

[audience laughing]

IT'S LIKE HE'S GROWN MUSCLESTO FIGHT HIS GAYNESS.

AND AT THE HALF,THE SCORE IS TIED.

"I LIKE BALLROOM DANCING,AND I CAN BENCH 365."

WHOA!

WHICH SIDE'S GONNA WIN--I'LL TELL YOU: GAY.

[audience laughing]

GAY'S GONNA WIN.

SPEAKING OF GAY....

I DID SOMETHINGGAY THE OTHER DAY.

NOW, WHEN I SAY "GAY,"I DON'T MEAN LIKE LAME,

LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GO,"THAT MOVIE WAS GAY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE "WHY?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"'CAUSE THERE WERE ONLY THREEEXPLOSIONS-- THAT WAS GAY."

THAT'S NOTWHAT I MEAN.

I MEAN LIKE,"THAT MOVIE WAS GAY."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE THERE WEREALL THESE NAKED GUYS

"AND THEY KEPT HAVING SEXWITH OTHER NAKED GUYS."

[audience laughing]

THAT KIND OF GAY.

SO I GOTO THE GROCERY STORE,

AND I PUT ALL OFMY ITEMS ON THE BELT,

AND THEN I TAKETHE DIVIDER THING TO, LIKE,

KEEP YOUR STUFF AWAYFROM MY STUFF, RIGHT?

AND...

[audience laughing]

YEAH, I DON'T WANT OURSTUFF TOUCHING, SO, LIKE--

I'M WAITING A WHILE,SO I'M FRUSTRATED, RIGHT?

SO WHEN IT'S MY TURN,I TURN TO THE GUY BEHIND ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT'SUP, BITCH-- I'M NEXT."

LIKE, I DON'T SAY IT,

BUT HE KNOWS WHATTIME IT IS, RIGHT, SO...

[audience laughing]

RIGHT BEFOREI TURN AWAY FROM HIM,

I NOTICE OUT OFTHE CORNER OF MY EYE,

THAT THIS GUYHAS THIS REALLY--

I MEAN, TREMENDOUSLY IMPRESSIVEBULGE IN HIS PANTS, RIGHT?

NOW, LET'S GET SOMETHINGOUT OF THE WAY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF FAKEBULGES OUT THERE, OKAY?

A LOT OF EUROPEAN GUYS,ESPECIALLY ITALIAN GUYS,

THEY WILL WEAR, LIKE,REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR,

AND THEN, REALLYTIGHT JEANS,

BUT THAT'S LIKE PUTTIN' YOUR[deleted] IN A HEAD LOCK.

THAT'S NOT LIKEA REAL BULGE, OKAY?

THE GUY I WASSTANDING NEXT TO,

HE HAD A BULGE OVERHERE LIKE THAT.

[audience laughing]

YEAH.

SO NATURALLY, I WASLIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

[audience laughing]

LIKE, THIS THINGLOOKED LIKE

IT HAD IT'S OWNFEEDING SCHEDULE

[audience laughing]

AND A HEALTHCAREPLAN, OKAY?

SO... ANYWAYS...

I'M STARING LOVINGLYAT HIS GIFT, ALL RIGHT?

AND THEN, I STARTTO HEAR, "33.62.

"33.62.

"SIR, YOURTOTAL IS 33.62!"

AND I'M LIKE,"OH, NO."

I'M SUPPOSED TOPAY RIGHT NOW,

BUT EVERYBODY SEES ME STARINGAT THIS GUY'S [deleted].

[audience laughing]

SO I HAVE TO COME UPWITH A GAME PLAN

OF HOW TO GETOUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW, HOW TOMAKE IT LOOK LIKE

I'M NOT DOINGEXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

SO I DECIDE, "I'LLJUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

I'M LOST INTHOUGHT," YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOKANYWHERE AND BE THINKING.

LIKE... [indistinct ]

SO THAT'S MY PLAN--SO I JUST TURN FROM HIM.

I JUST QUICKLY TURN TOTHE CASHIER, AND I GO,

"OH, I'M SORRY.

"I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IF I WASSUPPOSED TO GET ORANGE JUICE."

AND THEN SHE GOES, "WELL, WHYDON'T YOU ASK HIS [deleted]?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

ON MY FLIGHT ONTHE WAY OUT HERE

WE'RE FLYING AND THE PILOTCOMES OVER THE P.A.

AND HE GOES, "UH, HEY--"WELL, HE DOESN'T SAY "HEY."

[audience laughing]

PILOTS DON'T USUALLY STARTTHEIR ANNOUNCEMENT WITH "HEY."

"HEY, I'M UP FRONT.

"WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THAT [deleted]?"

HE JUST-- HE STARTS--I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY START.

HE JUST STARTS--HE'S LIKE, "I'M THE PILOT."

[audience laughing]

AND WE'RE ALL LIKE,"I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU-- YEAH."

[audience laughing]

AND THEN HE GOES, "UH, WEMADE UP SOME TIME IN THE AIR,

"SO WE'REGONNA BE EARLY,

"BUT THEN I JUST TALKED TOTHE AIRPORT, AND IT'S CONGESTED,

"SO WE'RE GONNA BEIN A HOLDING PATTERN,

"AND NOW WE'REGONNA BE LATE."

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,

"WHY THE HELL DIDYOU "TELL US THAT, MAN?

"LIKE, KEEP THATTO YOURSELF, YOU KNOW."

BUT THEN, YOUACCEPT IT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, I DID.

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME,HE DID NOT ACCEPT IT.

[audience laughing]

HE TURNS TO ME, AND HE GOES,"JUST LAND THE PLANE."

AND I GO, "WHERE?

[audience laughing]

"LIKE, THE PLACE THATTAKES PLANES IS FULL.

[audience laughing]

"DO YOU WANNA LAND INA FIELD, RIGHT NOW?"

AND HE GETS LIKEMORE AGGRESSIVE.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU JUSTLAND THE PLANE!"

AND I WAS LIKE,"DUDE, YOU CAN'T."

YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,"WELL, WE'RE COMIN',

"SO MOVE--HERE WE COME."

BUT THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREATABOUT BEING A PILOT.

THEIR KNOWLEDGE IS SO SPECIFIC,YOU CAN'T QUESTION THEM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THAT PILOT,

I'M SURE, WASTELLING THE TRUTH.

I'M SURE THAT THE AIRPORTWAS PROBABLY FULL,

BUT HE COULD'VE BEEN TRYIN'TO GET A [deleted] JOB

FROM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

AND BEEN LIKE, "HEY,WHY DON'T YOU SUCK IT?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL,WE GOTTA LAND THE PLANE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'LL JUSTTELL 'EM THE AIRPORT'S FULL.

"THEY'RE TOTAL IDIOTS."

[audience laughing]

AND THAT'S WHYI WANNA BE A PILOT NOW.

[audience laughing]

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