Already Wet

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 03/01/2016

Nikki interviews Sara Schaefer while sitting on a vibrator, hooks her parents up to a polygraph, and invites Bridget Everett and Jim Jefferies to devise new dirty emojis.

JOHN.

OUR EXPERT LIE DETECTOR.

JOHN YOURE HERE TODAY TO.

HELP ME UNCOVER THE CURRENTSTATE.

OF MY PARENTS SEX LIFE.

DO YOU LIKE OLDER WOMEN?

YOUR AGE IS GOOD.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

40's

I'M 31.

DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE STILL DOIT?

YES.

WOW THAT'S SO BRAVE OF HER

HI, DAD.

-HEY, BABE.

HI.

HI, MOM.

JOHN, ARE WE READY?

CAN WE GET STARTED?

YES.

DO YOU LIKE SEX.

YES.

EW!

[ CHUCKLES ]GOD.

LET'S NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT DURING THIS.

STOP MAKING THOSE FACE, PLEASE.

STOP MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

DO YOU GROOM YOURSELF FOR MOM?

A LITTLE MANSCAPING.

DON'T USE THAT WORD.

IT'S CREEPY.

[ SIGHS ]I HATE THIS QUESTION.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME HAVE SEX?

YES.

-OHH, SORRY.

-YEAH, GROSS.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME HAVE SEX?

NO.

OH! YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE I HAVE.

I FORGOT. I'VE REPRESSED IT FROMMY MEMORY.

IS YOUR PENIS AVERAGE-SIZED?

PROBABLY NOT.

WOULD YOU SAY DAD HAS A BI-- UH...

-OH, MY GOD.

-I KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORETHAN YOU WANT TO ANSWER IT.

OKAY, THEN DON'T.

-BUT I HAVE A SHOW...

-OKAY, GO.

...AND PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW DAD'SSIZE.

IS IT ABOVE-AVERAGE?

-YES.

GO, DAD.

[ LAUGHS ][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

-DO YOU HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK?

-YES.

THAT'S GOOD.

-DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH?

-YEAH.

YEAH, EXPLAIN THAT TO YOUR FATHER.

I WILL NOT.

I WILL NOT.

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A SEXUAL BEING?

NO!

[ LAUGHS ]YES!

YOU ARE?!

YES, I AM!

LOOK, JOHN JUST CONFIRMED IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T.

OKAY, THIS IS CRAZY.

IS MOM BETTER AT COOKING THAN SHE IS AT SEX?

NO.

-SHE'S A GOOD COOK!

-[ LAUGHS ]DO YOU MASTURBATE?

NO.

REALLY?

OH, JOHN.

DO YOU USE A TOY?

NNN-- YES.

JOHN.

DID DAD BUY THE TOY?

WELL, WHO DO YOU THINK BOUGHT IT? YES.

DAD BOUGHT IT FOR YOU.

YEAH.

DO YOU PREFER MOM BEING ON TOP?

YES.

-DO YOU LIKE BEING ON TOP?

-YES.

-REALLY?!

-SURE.

-YOU'RE NOT ATHLETIC AT ALL.

-I'M REALLY NOT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

REALLY, WHAT AM I DOING UP THERE?

-GET OFF THERE.

-I'M OFF.

-GET OFF THERE.

-OFF.

WILL YOU BE DISAPPOINTED IF SHE STOPS BEING ON TOP SO MUCH?

-YES.

-I'M REALLY SORRY.

SHE'S NOT GONNA DO IT ANYMORE?

SHE'S DONE.

SHE'S DISMOUNTING.

[ LAUGHS ]HAVE YOU EVER --

OHH, THIS QUESTION.

OH, SHOOT.

HAVE YOU EVER...

NO, I HAVEN'T.

...DONE ANAL?

NO.

INCONCLUSIVE.

OH, HELLO!

THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING.

THAT WAS A "NO."

NO, THAT DOESN'T MEAN "NO."

THAT MEANS THAT IT COULD BE "YES."

ASK IT AGAIN.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANAL?

YES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]NOT ON PURPOSE, FOR GOD'S SAKES.

ACCIDENTAL!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]-YOU WERE AWESOME.

-THANKS.

THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEETHEART.

IS THAT A TRUE ANSWER, JOHN?

-YES.

-[ LAUGHS ][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

- You're looking at the Magic Wand.

A marvel of intimate engineering.

It's smooth, sleek and powerful,

just like my friend, Emmy Award winning writer and

comedian, Sara Schaefer.

Today we handed off the controls of these bad boys

and sat on them.

Buckle up bitches, I'm Nikki Glaser and this

is Comedians Sitting On Vibrators Getting Coffee.

(upbeat jazz music)

Before we go any further, would you like to

have a safe word?

- My safe word is Theon Greyjoy.

That means winter is coming.

(laughter)

My nickname is Winter.

- I'll just be (scream),

Oh my god.

- You really are, like, getting possessed by a demon.

- So comedy.

- Comedy, oh my god, the process.

- You were one of the first people I ever heard talk

about squirting.

- I don't like that term 'cause it sounds gross to me,

but I prefer other terms.

Like, you can call me splash mountain.

(laughter)

But I have to tell you how I discovered that I could do it.

- Okay.

- I was, I was, no, Theon Greyjoy.

Theon. Greyjoy.

(laughter)

Have some decency.

It was like a water balloon popped between my legs.

Are you coming right now or are you shocked

by the story?

- No, I'm shocked by the story.

- Because you're like.

- I'm on the edge of my clit.

- I was really embarrassed by it at first.

You know and if a guy did have a problem with it,

I'd be like, get out of here.

(laughter)

- [Nikki] Is it actually squirting?

Or is it more?

- It's a gush.

- It should be gushing.

- I like waterfall.

- Waterfall, ooh.

- [Sara] Water is falling.

- Don't go chasing.

- Like right now?

- Like right now.

So what is the amount of.

Va-va-va.

How much liquid could I expect?

- Have you ever had a Capri Sun?

- Of course.

- [Sara] It's like two of those.

- Two?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(unintelligible mouth sounds)

- People are gonna thing this is what we do in bed.

- It's kind of what I do.

- [Sara] Theon Greyjoy.

- This is the best coffee I've ever had.

- Me too, this is really great.

- [Nikki] We should do this more often.

- Uh huh, uh huh, Theon Greyjoy.

Did I get you? I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, I'm already wet.

(laughter)

(upbeat techno music)

A study publishedby notable research institute

Maxim Magazine foundthat people who use emojis

when textingare also the horniest.

And here I thought my niecewas just a typical tween.

Who knew this whole timeshe was trying to get some.

I'm actually sick of the sameold sexting emojis.

It's like they're getting stale.

We get it.Your dick's an eggplant.

My vagina's a coffin.

[ Laughter ]

Right?

I say it's timewe sexify more emojis.

Like this catright here --

This should be,"My pussy's wet."

And this should be,"Put it in my box,"

or, "Let's [Bleep] inmy handicap-accessible tub."

Or that.

Yeah, thank you.

I asked my guests tonightto invent

some more ways to upthe world's sexting game.

This is "Sext Symbols."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bridget.

-Yeah?-You're up.

Okay, um, yeah, I would call ina bomb threat to Six Flags

just to get a pieceof that Horse [Bleep] Glaser!

Horse [Bleep] Glaser!-No!

-Horse [Bleep] Glaser!-That's not...

Horse [Bleep]

[Bleep]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I feel like that's not what thatwas originally supposed to be.

That's your dad's emoji.

No, this --

He has his own emoji.

Oh, he's gonna have funat work, isn't he?

[ Laughter ]

Can I cancel my own show?

Jim, what's your next one?Let's move on.

All right.

[ Chuckles ]

"I'm gonna lick your assso much that you're gonna

lose all conceptof space and time."

[ Cheers and applause ]

So good.

Well done.Well done.

Here's some --here's another one I have.

This is,"Happy birthday, hot shit.

I'm gonna blindfold myself andtreat your balls like a piƱata."

[ Cheers and applause ]

You got it.

God, guys, I feel likewe're really good

at this,so I'm gonna try something.

Jim, you actually gave usa sex story of yours...

-Correct.-...before the show.

We translated itinto emoji.

Bridget, you've neverseen this story.

I want to translate it backinto English right now.

-Okay.-Can you do that for us?

-Okay.-Ready?

Yeah, okay.

Go.

"I'm little Jimmy Jefferies.

I went to a karaoke bar.

I met twins.I took them back to my house.

We drank a couple of beers.

I took my --I had a lot of blood vessels

on my [Bleep]but I put it in her mouth.

And then he took his,and he put it in my ass.

And then we talked about where

we could goin the world together,

but we didn't make it there.

I was shocked.I want to travel with you.

They said, 'No, what's that?'

And then I shot it --I shot it --

I shot itall over their little --

I shot it all over my face.I didn't mean to.

I meant to shoot it on theirface, but it was mine."Yeah.

"And then it was in my eye,

and I thought,'Oh, no, is this AIDS?'

But no,it was just me bee-ing me,

so I smoked some weedand I got up and I looked

in the mirror and I said,'[Bleep] you're sexy.'"

[ Cheers and applause ]

That was totally it,right?

-Was that close?-Yeah, she nailed it.

And it's maybe one ofthe greatest stories ever told.

Jim, tell uswhat really happened.All right, okay.

That's little Jimmy Jefferies.

So Jim Jefferieswas performing in a show.

I met a girl and a guy.They went together.

-Okay.-All right?

We went back to a hotel.We started drinking.

She started suckingboth of us off.

[ Laughs ]

Then he started [Bleep]-ingher from behind.

We were Eiffel Tower-ing.

The problem was the whole timehe kept eye contact with me.

-No.-Right? Okay?

That was scary.

"Then he [Bleep] on my back."

No, not -- Hey, hey, hey!

[ Audience cheering ]Whoo!

Not mine.Not mine.

Not my back.

Her back.

We were all getting along.It felt like we were one.

So he [Bleep] on her back.

Right, while staring,he pulls it out.

"He [Bleep] on my back,"and then he went,

"Jim Jefferies.

I can't [Bleep]-ing believe it."

Like, he actually went --Boom, boom, boom, shot.

And he went, "Jim Jefferies.

I can't believe it."-No!

[ Laughter ]

Ugh.-I swear that happened.

Did you -- did you, like,sign -- like, autograph

your condom afterwardsand give it to him or something?

Just a parting ---I wish we used condoms.

But...

Oh, wait, what's this?

Oh, then I called my dealer,and we got an eight ball.

[ Laughter ]

Great story, Jim.Great story.

That's it for "Sext Symbols."

I'd like to thank Bridgetand Jim for being here tonight.

You can find Bridget's tourdates at bridgeteverett.net

and catch her onthe current season of "Girls."

Jim tapes his nextspecial March 19th

at the Polk Theaterin Nashville, Tennessee.

We'll be right back, you guys.

Bridget and Jim Jefferies.

[ Cheers and applause ]

- Well let's get in this guys, squirting.

- Right?

I know.

It is, we've all heardof it, it's everywhere.

Like literally, it's everywhere.

It gets everywhere.

I can't do it, I have tried.

My boyfriend and I arecurrently trying, we're trying.

(laughter)

Um, thank you.

Thank you guys so much, it's so hard.

He wants to get a surrogate, it's really um,

(laughter)

She has to be Asian but

(laughter)

Bridget, can you squirt?

- Not technically.

But I saw it one time.

- You did?

- Back in the 90's, I used to hang out at this sex club

and you couldn't go to thebathroom there but you could see

a lot of things.

- I was in there, there was a woman, she was hanging from

the ceiling in a harness.

And she was getting fingerbanged really hard and there are

all these guys standing around there with their pants

around their ankles and they'rejigging, you know, on their

little nub nubs and stuff

- Oh, Central Perk?

- Central Perk, yes!

And all of a sudden,somebody yells, "Clear!"

Everybody splits out to the side, like Moses was coming

or something.

But it wasn't Moses.

It was her, and she hosed that room down like a super

soaker, I gotta tellyou, it was so magical.

I'm still working on getting there.

(applause)

- [audience] woo!

- That's a true story, we're talking facts!

- This is the thing about the 90's, the shit we had to do

before the internet.

(laughter)

- We had to meet in the bathroom, she's gotta be on a

fucking swing. We all gotta be wanking.

(laughter)

- Squirt du Soleil, man!

(laughter)

- That's actually howthe sprinkler system in

the olden days.

They would just hoistthe town squirter up on

- yes, yes!

- and I'm down to be that person if they bring back

town squares, I'm not, I'll do it!

(laughter)

- [Nikki] You gotta learn first!

- it's gonna be a lot of liquid though.

- Uh (laughs)

- [Bridget] She's a juicy girl.

- Jim, have you ever encountered?

- Just, just one in theyear, I was about 24.

It was in Scotland, and it was a woman I shagged for awhile.

And she used to squirt like, not just like one, but

ppffttt, she did like four or five.

The first time, you're just like "aahhh!"

(laughter)

- It's happening!

And then like four or five times, you're like, "enough."

All right, you've made your point.

I have to flip the fucking mattress now.

(laughter)

- This girl

(applause)

- This girl was so tough as well because she didn't

give a fuck.

She just went ppfff, like that, she didn't care.

Anyway, so she squirts, she used to come so hard,

she did this big squirt and just like it was dark,

and like a little turd came out.

(laughter)

- It was like a little shit on the pillow, and I'm like

down there wet and fuckin'

- [Nikki] Yeah!

- And I just pick up the little shit like, what's that?

Oh, it's a little shit!

And I go to throw it away and she just looked at me,

like, calm down pussy.

(laughter)

- Yeah, she's like

It's just a little bit of shit

- Yes!

- [Jim] But I was like,oh, I'm really sorry,

you're a fun girl.

(laughter)

- [Bridget] You're a good sport.

- They say that the squirt is like pee,

which I hope is true because I wanna say that I

squirted the bed until fourth grade.

(laughter)

I really

(techno music)