Chris D'Elia & Erin Foley

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 11/13/2012

Chris D'Elia flaunts the shiniest jacket in Hollywood, and Erin Foley knows what a real flu feels like.

I SAW A THUGGISHYOUNG GENTLEMAN.

HE HAD A NECK TATTOOON THE BACK OF HIS NECK

THAT SAID SIMPLY,IN OLD ENGLISH,

"[bleep] YOU."

THAT'S A PRETTY BOLD THING

TO SAY TO WHOEVERIS STANDING BEHIND YOU.

BUT AS I WAS THINKING THAT,THIS IS TRUE,

HE TURNED TO MEAND HE GOES,

"HEY, MAN,YOU GOT A NICKEL?"

SO I SAID, "I THINK YOU CAN FINDTHE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION

ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK."

BUT REALLY, I MEAN,IT COULD BE ANYBODY BEHIND HIM.

JUST A LITTLE OLD WOMANSTANDING BEHIND HIM.

YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD LADYAT A CONVENIENCE STORE?

JUST WITH TWO BAGS OF MILK,YOU KNOW?

"OH, MY SPINE IS CURVED

"FROM THE YEARSWEIGHING DOWN ON ME

"OF FOUR OUT OF FIVEOF MY GRANDCHILDREN

"BEING DISAPPOINTMENTS.

"OH, LOOK, IT SAYS SOMETHINGON THAT MAN'S NECK.

"I CAN'T QUITE SEE ITFROM DOWN HERE.

"I BET IT'S SCRIPTURE.

"OH, I LOVE A QUOTEFROM THE GOOD BOOK.

"IT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

"I'M GONNA MUSTERALL MY STRENGTH

AND TRY AND SEEWHAT IT SAYS."

[groans]

[gasps]

"WELL, THAT IS IT.

"I'M GONNA GIVE THAT YOUNG MANA PIECE OF MY MIND.

"SHOULD HAVE LEFTTHE MILK OVER THERE.

"IT'S VERY HEAVY.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"I WANTED TO TELL YOUI SAW YOUR NECK TATTOO,

"AND I HAD A LITTLE SOMETHINGI WANTED TO SHOW YOU.

NO, [bleep] YOU."

YOU GUYS, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

IF YOU SHAKE MY HANDAND YOUR HAND IS WET,

IT'S OKAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE YOUHAVE TO EXPLAIN IT RIGHT AWAY.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,"I JUST CAME FROM THE BATHROOM."

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I GUESSED.

I DIDN'T THINKYOU WERE OUT BACK

JUST DIPPING YOUR HANDSIN DIRTY PUDDLE WATER.

LIKE, "I'M GONNA GREET PEOPLEAND NOT EXPLAIN THIS AT ALL."

OR SOMETIMES PEOPLE FEEL LIKETHEY HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE.

"I JUST CAMEFROM THE BATHROOM.

DON'T WORRY,IT'S NOT PEE OR ANYTHING."

YEAH, I KNOW.

OF COURSE IT'S NOT.

HOW AWFUL WOULD MY LIFE BE

IF EVERY TIMESOMEONE'S HAND WAS WET

WHEN I GREETED THEMI WAS LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?I'M T.J.

"WHAT IN THE GOOD GOD DAMN?

"HAVE YOU BEEN PISSINGALL OVER YOUR HANDS?

"WHAT, WERE YOU JUSTIN THE BATHROOM LIKE,

"'NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.YEAH!

"'TIME TO GREET PEOPLE ANDNOT EXPLAIN THIS AT ALL.

"'SAY I WAS IN THE BATHROOMBUT NOT TELL THEM WHAT FOR.

"'JUST SAYYOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT.'"

THAT LAST PART'S A PUN,

AND A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T LIKE IT,

AND IT PISSES ME OFF.

[cheers and applause]

ON THE PLANET ARE THOUGH?

HANDS DOWN, GERMANS.

I FEEL LIKE IF EVEN THE MOSTHARD-CORE GANGSTER OF ALL TIME

ROLLED UP TO A GERMAN,EVEN THE GANGSTER

WOULD END UP GETTING SCARED,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE GANG MEMBER ROLL UPJUST BE LIKE,

"YEAH, WHAT UP, PLAYER?OOH-WHEE, PARTNER.

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY,PLAYER.

"WHAT NOW?EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SON.

GIVE ME YOUR WALLET,PLAYER."

THE GERMAN WOULD JUSTSTAND THERE AND SAY,

[casually in German accent]"NO."

"NO, PLAYER, OF COURSE NOT."

[laughs casually]

RIGHT, THE GANGSTER WOULDN'TEVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO, RIGHT?

HE'D BE LIKE,"OH, SNAP.

"UH, THAT AIN'T HOW THATUSUALLY GOES DOWN.

Y'ALL SEE I HAVE A PISTOL,RIGHT, PLAYER?"

AND THE GERMAN WILL BE LIKE,

"IT'S OKAY, I HAVE ALREADYPOISONED YOU, MY FRIEND."

THE GANGSTER JUST,"OHH-WHEE, PLAYER."

[cheers and applause]

AND THE MEXICAN WOULD ROLL UPAND, "TAKE HIS PANTS!"

[laughter]

GERMANS ARETHE CREEPIEST, MAN.

'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS SOUND LIKETHEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

RIGHT, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTERWHAT THEY'RE SAYING

IN THEIR LANGUAGE, IT ALWAYSSOUNDS LIKE IT'S ABOUT YOU.

[speaking fake German]

[continues in fake German]KILL HIM.

[continues in fake German]POISON HIM.

[continues in fake German]

AND PUT A RABBITIN HIS ANUS.

[continues in fake German]

"DID YOU SAY PUT A RABBITIN MY ANUS?"

"WHAT? NO.

"I'M GERMAN.I'M NOT WEIRD."

[laughing casually]

[kissing]

WHENEVER THEY SPEAK,

IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE GOINGIN REWIND.

RIGHT? JUST...

[speaks fake German]

YOU DON'T TRUST METHAT GERMANS ARE THE CREEPIEST,

BUT THEY ARE.I CAN PROVE IT.

IF IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY

AND A GERMAN CAME UP TO YOUAND SAID,

[German accent]"HELLO.

"HI, BIRTHDAY BOY.

I HAVE MADE YOUA BIRTHDAY CAKE."

WOULD YOU EAT THAT?

I HATE THAT MOVIETHAT COMES OUT EVERY YEAR.

[British Accent]"ALL RIGHT,

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.HERE'S WHAT--"

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,FIVE BALD BRITISH DUDES

SITTING AROUNDA TABLE, RIGHT?

AND ONE DUDE'SJUST BREAKING IT DOWN.

"ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA--LISTEN UP.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE MONEY,

PUT IT IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

EVERY YEARIT'S THE SAME MOVIE.

THEY JUST CHANGEWHAT THEY'RE STEALING, RIGHT?

A YEAR WILL GO BY.

"ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DIAMONDS,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE PAINTINGS,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,

"GET ALL THE ELECTRICALAPPLIANCES,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DALMATIANS--"

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

"WE'LL PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, NIGEL?"

IF YOU'RE BRITISH AND YOU DON'TKNOW A DUDE NAME NIGEL,

YOU'RE NOT BRITISH.THAT'S THE POINT.

OR YOU'RE NIGEL.

- SO WHO YOU GOTFOR YOUR BRACKETS?

- SIDNEY POITIER,LANGSTON HUGHES,

AL SHARPTON,AND NELSON MANDELA.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

- I GOT OPRAH,MAYA ANGELOU,

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER--

- HEY, ROOMIES,DID YOU GUYS HEAR

THAT MAYA ANGELOUBLEW OUT BOTH OF HER KNEES?

BAD LUCK, HUH?

- MAN, MY BRACKET IS [bleep]!

[laughter]

USED TO GETREALLY DRUNK TOGETHER.

SO THEN WE'D GO HOMEFOR A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

A LITTLE BIT OF THE, UH...

[imitates snoring]

"WAKE UP."

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP."

"WAKE UP!""SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP."

EIGHT HOURS LATER.

[yawns and kisses]

"GET OFF OF ME."

"WHAT'S THE MATTER?COME HERE."

"GET OFF OF ME!

DON'T YOU EVEN REMEMBERLAST NIGHT?"

"NO."[groans]

"OH, YOU PUSHED MEOFF THE BED, YOU BITCH."

"WHAT DID YOUJUST CALL ME?"

"NOTHING.

BITCH."

[caws]

MY WIFE WAS A GRIFFIN.

[laughter]YEAH.

I HAVE BRASS KNUCKLES,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE KINDOF PERSON I AM.

MY BUDDY PICKED UPTHE BRASS KNUCKLES.

HE GOES,"OH, THESE ARE PRETTY COOL.

WHAT ARE THEY,ONE SIZE FITS ALL?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, IDIOT."

THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,AND I DON'T KNOW.

IS THAT TRUE?DO YOU GUYS KNOW?

DOES ANYBODY KNOW?

I THINK THE REASONI THOUGHT IT WAS FOR SURE

WAS BECAUSEI CAN'T IMAGINE

A WORLD OR A REALITY

WHERE A GUY GETS HOME

FROM THE BRASS KNUCKLESPECIALTY STORE,

AND HE'S LIKE,"YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

"OH, GOD DAMN IT.

"OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

"THIS SAID LARGE.

"THESE ARE A SMALL.

"WELL, WHAT AM ISUPPOSED TO DO NOW,

TINY METAL FINGER SLAPS?"

BUT IF IT'S TOO LARGEWHAT DO YOU DO,

PUT BOTH YOUR HANDS INAND DO SHARK SLAPS?

[laughter]

I'VE BEEN PRACTICINGINTRODUCING MYSELF

AS SOMEONE NAMEDTIM GREGORY.

HERE ARE A FEWOF MY FAVORITES.

"HI, I'M TIM GREGORY.

PUT HER THERE,RIGHT THERE."

"YO, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ME, TIMMY G.

"TIM GREGORY.

TIM."

"WHOA, I DIDN'T NOTICEYOU THERE

"LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.

"ARE YOU A NINJA?

"JUST KIDDING.I'M TIM.

DON'T WORRY,IT'S NOT PEE OR ANYTHING."

[cheers and applause]

AGHH!

THE ECONOMY,OH, MY GOD, SO FUN.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINEIN 28 YEARS.

AND HERE'S THE THING,THE OTHER DAY I HEARD

CONSUMER CONFIDENCE IS AT ITSLOWEST POINT IN 20 YEARS.

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, MAN.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

IT JUST SOUNDS HORRIBLE."

I JUST PICTURED THIS WOMANLEAVING WALMART

HYSTERICALLY CRYING.

JUST BE LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

"I USED TO LOVE TO SHOP.

"I'M A SHOPPER.

"NOW I DON'T HAVEANY CONFIDENCE.

"I CAN'T EVEN FIND MY PURSE.

"I'M SO TIRED.

I'M JUST SO TIRED."

OH, AND SHE FALLS OVER.

- WHAT AGE DO CHILDREN STOPBELIEVING IN SANTA?

- WHERE AND HOW DO I GETWEED IN ATLANTA?

- IS THIS EVIDENCETHAT EVOLUTION IS FAKE?

- HOW MUCH MONEY DOESA GAY STRIPPER MAKE?

- IS THIS A GOOD CAR TO BUY?

- IS HE AN ONLINE PREDATOROR AN OKAY GUY?

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN BOURBON AND SCOTCH?

- WHY DO PEOPLESTARE AT MY CROTCH?

[mellow music]

- OFF YOU COME,YOU CANNED MEAT.

[sniffs]

MMM.

[groaning]

[melodic orchestral music]

MMM, MMM, MMM.

MMM, MMM.

[music stops]

HEY, DAN, CAN I HAVESOME OF YOUR SPAM?

I'VE NEVER HAD IT.

[melodic orchestral music]

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