Extended - Thursday, March 10, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 03/10/2016

The Tournament of Champions wraps up as Jesse Joyce, Kyle Kinane and Paul F. Tompkins hit on Bernie Sanders and play Super #HashtagWars in this extended, uncensored episode.

I WILL NOW TAKE MY PLACE BEHIND

THE LECTERN AS WE MEET TONIGHT'SCOMEDIAN FINALISTS.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)FIRST UP-- JESSE JOYCE MAY HAVE

LESS TV EXPERIENCE THAN OUROTHER FINALISTS TONIGHT, BUT

WHAT HE LACKS IN AIR TIME, HEMORE THAN MAKES UP FOR IN HOURS

SPENT GETTING IN SHOUTINGMATCHES WITH STRIP CLUB DJS.

HE HAS SEVEN WINS IN TENAPPEARANCES.

HE'D LIKE TO DEDICATE TONIGHT'SPERFORMANCE TO EMILY, HIS WIFE,

AND OCTAVIO, THE GUY WHO SELLSHIM VAPE JUICE.

(LAUGHTER)LAST NIGHT, HE DEFEATED RON

FUNCHES IN A STUNNING UPSET.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE ARENA THEMAN WHO WAS ONCE DESCRIBED AS

"HUMAN CARGO SHORTS"-- JESSEJOYCE!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

>> HOW YOU DOING?

HOW YOU DOING?

OUT OF SIGHT.

HOW YOU DOING?

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, KYLEKINANE EDGED OUT DOUG BENSON

MONDAY NIGHT, MARKING THE FIRSTTIME THAT ANYONE THAT DRUNK HAS

BEATEN ANYONE THAT HIGH.

(LAUGHTER)WITH A RECORD OF NINE WINS, FOUR

LOSSES AND THREE ELIMINATIONS,KYLE'S KNOWN AS A FIERCE

COMPETITOR, AN EXPERT COMEDIANWHO WOULD EAT A HALF-CHEWED

BURRITO OUT OF A GARBAGE CAN.

IN FACT, HE'S MOST LIKELY DOINGTHAT AS WE SPEAK.

PLEASE WELCOME THE GUY WHO TELLSYOU WHEN "SOUTH PARK" RERUNS ARE

COMING ON, THE VOICE OF COMEDYCENTRAL, KYLE KINANE!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

FINALLY, HAILING FROM MOUNTAIRY, PENNSYLVANIA, PAUL F.

TOMPKINS IS KNOWN FOR HIS SHARPWIT AND SOFT, SUPPLE HANDS.

THIS IS PAUL'S SEVENTEENTHAPPEARANCE, BUT HIS MOUSTACHE'S

NINETEENTH APPEARANCE.

HE HAS TEN WINS, SIX LOSSES, ONEELIMINATION, AND A VOICE THAT

WAS CRAFTED IN A GUMBALLFACTORY.

PLEASE WELCOME THE MAN WHO WASALMOST DEFINITELY A TIME

TRAVELER, AND FOR SOME REASON,WE'RE ALL COOL WITH THAT-- PAUL

F. TOMPKINS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOTEAND SHOVE IT.

IT'S PANDERDOME. PANDERDOME.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HERE'S A LIST OF SOME SKIPPABLE

GARBAGE YOU PROBABLY SAW ONLINETODAY.

FIRST UP-- TRUMP TOWN BUFFET.

TRUMP TOWN BUFFET.

BERNIE AND HILLARY BOTH USEDTHEIR PRIMARY SPEECHES TUESDAY

TO DISCUSS ISSUES AND POLICY,WHILE DUNG-HEAP GODHEAD DONALD

TRUMP USED HIS AIR TIME TO PLUGTRUMP BOTTLED WATER, WINE AND

STEAKS, TURNING OUR ALREADYLAUGHABLE NEWS CYCLE INTO ONE

BIG STUPID INFOMERCIAL.

ODDLY, TRUMP'S PRODUCT PILENEEDED ITS OWN SECRET SERVICE

DETAIL, AS YOU SEE HERE.

BUT TO BE FAIR, I COULD SEE HOWA NEAR-SIGHTED ASSASSIN COULD

SMELL THAT PILE OFSLOWLY-ROTTING RAW MEAT AND

THINK IT WAS TRUMP.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)SO, COMEDIANS, THIS HAS TO BE

THE CUSHIEST JOB IN MODERNPOLITICS.

TELL ME WHY YOU'RE THE PERFECTCANDIDATE TO BE TRUMP'S BUFFET

GUARD.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> UH, I FEEL I'M QUALIFIEDBECAUSE I'M A WHITE PERSON WHO

HATES FACTS AND LOVES HATE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

POINTS TO PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)KYLE KINANE.

>> I'VE TAKEN A BULLET FOR PORKCHOPS BEFORE, AND I'LL TAKE ONE

AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO KYLE

KINANE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)JESSE JOYCE.

>> UH, I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUTCOOKING, BUT I KNOW WHAT MR.

TRUMP MEANS WHEN HE SAYS, DON'TSERVE ANY CHALUPAS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NEXT, ENTER SANDMAN.

FLUFFY PRE-GHOST BERNIE SANDERSSHOCKED PUNDITS AND POLLSTERS TO

WIN THE MICHIGAN PRIMARYTUESDAY, THOUGH IT SHOULD BE NO

SURPRISE, CONSIDERING HIS HAIRALSO HAS AN UPPER PENINSULA.

(LAUGHTER)SOME THINK BERNIE'S EPIC RISE IS

DUE TO HIS POLITICAL REVOLUTION,BUT MAYBE IT'S CAUSE OF THAT

ASS.

HUMAN-CRY-FOR HELP AND"CELEBRITY" I GUESS WE'LL CALL

HER, COURTNEY STODDEN TWEETED,"I THINK BERNIE SANDERS IS

ACTUALLY REALLY SEXY."

(LAUGHTER)WOW. SOMEONE WANTS HER BALLOT

BOX STUFFED WITH A BIG D.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING, APPLAUSE)NO. I... HANG ON.

I MEANT "D" FOR DEMOCRAT.

I MEANT "D" FOR DEMOCRAT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> HARDWICK: ALSO, SHE IS KNOWNFOR LIKING OLDER MEN AND

PUBLICITY, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT, AND WE'VEBEEN TOO HARD ON THE SEX APPEAL

OF THAT SOCIALIST LIVER SPOT.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE MEYOUR BEST PICK-UP LINE TO PICK

UP THE HUNK WITH THE DROOPIESTJUNK-- BERNIE SANDERS.

KYLE KINANE.

>> UH, HEY, BERNIE, LET'S MAKELIKE HALLEY'S COMET AND COME

ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS FOR KYLEKINANE.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> HEY, BERNIE, I WON'T PUT THEWHOLE THING IN.

JUST THE TOP ONE PERCENT.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WAIT A MINUTE, THOUGH.

WOULDN'T HE WANT THE 99% SHAFTIN THERE?

>> IT'S A TEASE, CHRIS.

IT'S A TEASE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE.

OKAY, GREAT.

NEXT UP, LIL MARCO, LIL MARCO.

MARCO RUBIO, WHO LOOKS LIKEMILHOUSE WITHOUT HIS GLASSES...

(LAUGHTER)...IS ALWAYS GETTING MADE FUN OF

FOR BEING A TINY, POCKET-SIZEDPOLITICIAN-- A POKÉRUBIO, IF

YOU WILL-- AND THIS WEEK WASPARTICULARLY ROUGH AFTER THIS

PICTURE TAKEN BY PHOTOGRAPHERELIZABETH FRANTZ RESURFACED OF

HIM SITTING ON A NORMAL-SIZECHAIR.

(LAUGHTER)SHE MUST HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED TO

GET ANOTHER SHOT FOR HER SERIES:KIDS"R"US MODELS WHO WERE

ALMOST PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)THIS PIC WAS POSTED TO SUBREDDIT

R/PHOTOSHOPBATTLES AND WAS MEMEDTO HIGH HEAVEN.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESEWAS AN ACTUAL PHOTOSHOP?

MARCO ON A SWING SET...

OR MARCO RIDING FALCOR FROMTHE NEVERENDING STORY?

JESSE JOYCE.

>> UH, WELL, FALCOR CERTAINLYDOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE NAME OF

SOMEBODY WHO WAS BORN INAMERICA, SO, UH, MARCO ON A BABY

SWING SET.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT!

MARCO ON A SWING SET!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)THE BABY SANDALS MAKE IT

PARTICULARLY DISTURBING.

>> I KNOW!

>> HARDWICK: THANKS TO REDDITORSYOKK FOR THAT PHOTOSHOP.

UH, MARCO LOOKS LIKE HE'SACTUALLY JUST SUPER EXCITED TO

GET BREASTFED IN THIS PICTURERIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HE'S GRABBING, HE'S GRABBING

AT IT.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S GRABBING ATIT, RIGHT THERE!

>> WELL, YEAH, YEAH, FINISH YOURGIGANTIC LOLLIPOP FIRST.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, MOVING

ON, MOVING ON.

NEXT, THE DOG VOTE, THE DOGVOTE.

THIS PAST WEEKEND, FORMERPRESIDENT BILL CLINTON, WHO

CURRENTLY LOOKS LIKE ACHEESEBURGER MAGNETO...

(LAUGHTER)...TWEETED OUT THIS PIC.

(LIKE CLINTON): HEY, WHAT KINDOF DOG ARE YOU?

'CAUSE I'M A PUSSY HOUND.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)HUH? HUH? HUH?

HE CAPTIONED THE PHOTO WITHTHIS: I MET TWO GREAT ALASKAN

MALAMUTES IN MICHIGAN TODAYWHILE CAMPAIGNING FOR HILLARY

CLINTON.

THEY BARKED #I'MWOOFHER.

(LAUGHTER)(MAN GROANS)

(LIKE CLINTON): I JUST LOVEMAKIN' ANIMAL PUNS.

LIKE THAT ONE TIME I SHOVED ACIGAR INTO MY CAT MONICA

MEWINSKY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)HEY! HEY!

SHUT UP! IT'S THE ONLY PUSSYTHAT WON'T TALK TO THE PRESS.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> WELL, HE FINALLY TOOK THATGUY DOWN A PEG OR TWO.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, PAUL.

OH, I'M ME AGAIN!

WHOA, I GOT LOST IN THECHARACTER.

I'M SO SORRY.

COMEDIANS, ASSUMING THEY REALLYARE WOOF HER, WHAT'S A SLOGAN

HILLARY CAN USE TO APPEAL TODOGS?

JESSE.

>> VOTE FOR HILLARY-- SHEDOESN'T UNDERSTAND E-MAIL,

EITHER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS TO YOU.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> I PROMISE ANYTIME YOU GET INTHE CAR YOU WILL BE GOING TO THE

DOG PARK AND NOT TO THAT ONEPLACE WHERE THEY ROB YOU OF YOUR

TESTICLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)(HARDWICK LAUGHING, SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY)THAT MADE ME THINK OF A...

YOUR HAT MADE ME THINK OF ATRAIN ROBBERY WHERE DOGS WERE

GETTING STUCK UP FOR THEIRBALLS.

>> THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING AFTERTHIS.

>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE GONNA GO ROBA BUNCH OF DOG BALLS OFF A DOG

TRAIN?

>> I'M GONNA STEAL DOG BALLS OFFTHE DOG TRAIN.

(LAUGHTER)KYLE.

>> UH, LISTEN, BITCHES.

(LAUGHTER)YOU WANT TO MUSH THESE FAT CATS

OUT OF OFFICE OR YOU WANT TOKEEP HUMPIN' LEGS?

THERE WAS, LIKE, A LOT OF PUNSIN THERE.

>> HARDWICK: THERE WERE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT JUST ENOUGH TO GET YOU

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> DUE DILIGENCE.

>> QUANTITY OVER QUALITY.

QUANTITY OVER QUALITY.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY THEA-BAD-EMY AWARDS.

A-BAD-EMY AWARDS.

(CHEERING)ACTING IS A MULTILAYERED, SUBTLE

ART THAT REQUIRES MASTERINGLANGUAGE, PHYSICALITY AND

EMOTION-- OR IF YOU'RE DICAPRIO,CRAWLING AROUND AND GRUNTING.

BUT SINCE NOT EVERYONE CANBECOME A GREAT ACTOR, WE WENT

LOOKING FOR SOME OF THEINTERNET'S WORST ACTORS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ACLIP OF A BAD ACTOR, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO ANSWER AQUESTION ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, THIS MAN OF MANYFACES.

>> HELLO. I'M BILL DOLLEAR.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT): COME TOSCOTLAND!

>> WOMAN: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TOSAY. IT JUST HAPPENED...

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

ONE THING I WANT TO KNOW.

GIVE ME THE NAME OF THE SON OF ABITCH, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA KILL

HIM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK (SIGHS): CHILLING.

WHAT PART WAS HE AUDITIONINGFOR?

JESSE.

>> GUY WHO GETS KILLED BY SON OFA BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)KYLE KINANE.

>> CLEARLY, HE'S AUDITIONING FORTHE ROLE OF CRAIG LAUDERDALE

FROM THE HIT TV SERIES HORSECOPS DAYTONA.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> THE DRY SPAGHETTI ASSASSIN?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS LONG-HAIRED HUNK.

>> NOW, I'M TELLING THESEMOTHERFUCKERS THAT IF THEY

CONTINUE KILLING OUR CHILDREN TOMAKE THEIR PRECIOUS MILLIONS

THAT THEY DEPOSIT IN THEIRSECRET SWISS BANK ACCOUNTS...

I'LL HAVE THEIR STINKIN' BODIESIN GARBAGE BAGS AND SHIP 'EM

BACK TO JAPAN FOR FERTILIZER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: TOUGH WORDS.

WHAT ELSE DOES THIS ACTOR DO INTHE MOVIE?

PAUL F.

>> FINALLY SNAPS OUT OFHYPNOSIS, FREE OF CIGARETTE

CRAVINGS FOREVER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)KYLE KINANE.

>> CRAFT SERVICES.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)JESSE JOYCE.

>> UH, I WAS GONNA SAY, HE, UH,HE LOSES HIS JAPANESE FERTILIZER

CONTRACT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

YEAH, HE TOTALLY...

NEXT, LET'S LOOK AT THISDRAMATIC MASTER CLASS.

>> WELL, UM, AS AN ACTRESS, ONEOF MY SPECIALTIES IS CHARACTER

ACTING.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE NOT A SMOKERBUT YOU WANT TO SORT OF TAKE ON

A CHARACTERISTIC OF THAT, SO YOUKIND OF GET THIS ATTITUDE AND A

LITTLE BIT OF THIS PIZZAZZ WHENYOU START TO TALK.

(ENGLISH ACCENT): THERE'S ALLSORTS OF ACCENTS THAT YOU CAN

WORK WITH.

OOH, I'D LIKE TO SERVE TEA TOYOU, OOH!

>> HARDWICK: SWIPING LEFT.

UH...

WHAT IS THIS TECHNIQUE CALLED?

PAUL F.

>> ACTING FOR ONE: INCREASE YOURVIEW COUNTS BY WATCHING YOUR OWN

VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KYLE KINANE.

>> UH, THIS TECHNIQUE IS CALLEDIGNORING RECOMMENDED DOSAGES OF

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE JOYCE.

>> THIS, UH, TECHNIQUE IS CALLEDFREEZING HER EGGS.

>> HARDWICK: OH...

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHING, GROANING)ALL RIGHT, JUST ENOUGH TO GET

YOU POINTS.

HEY, GUYS, HOW ABOUT A TENSEACTION SCENE?

>> YES, SIR?

>> CAN I PLEASE SEE THE, UH,DESSERT MENU?

>> THE DESSERT MENU?

>> YES, PLEASE.

>> HELL, NO.

>> HARDWICK: OH, I WAS ON THEEDGE OF MY SEAT!

WHAT AWARD WOULD THESE ACTORSWIN?

KYLE.

>> AN OSCAR, 'CAUSE THEY'RE BOTHWHITE.

>> HARDWICK: JESSE JOYCE.

>> THEY WON, UH, PONYTAILMAGAZINE'S 30 VIRGINS OVER 30.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP, HOW ABOUT THISCHAMELEON?

>> IT'S LIKE DOPE.

LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE.

YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUE, HE BLEW.

L-O-V-E. (SCOFFS)OTHER GUYS'LL JUST FEED YOU

LINES, BUT I'LL TAKE YOU TOMICKEY D'S!

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S HIS SPECIALSKILL ON HIS ACTING RÉSUME?

JESSE.

>> UH, ROBBING VAGINAS OF THEIRNATURAL LUBRICANT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, KYLE.

>> HIS MOM TOLD HIM HE LOOKEDLIKE CUBA GOODING JR. ONCE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

MR. TOMPKINS.

>> CREATES HIS OWN ONE-MANSHOWS, LIKE DR. KAZAAM AND MR.

URKEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

AND FINALLY, THIS CLASSICINTERNET VIDEO OF ORSON WELLES

ACTING FOR A COMMERCIAL.

>> AH, THE FRENCH... CHAMPAGNEHAS ALWAYS BEEN CELEBRATED FOR

ITS EXCELLENCE.

BUT LIKE THE BEST FRENCHCHAMPAGNE, IT'S VINTAGE-DATED,

SO PAUL MASSON...

>> CUT.

ACTION, PLEASE.

>> AHA, THE FRENCH...

>> HARDWICK: AH...

AH...

HE WAS SO FUCKING HAMMERED.

AND HE DIRECTED THAT DREADFULMOVIE ABOUT THAT WONDERFUL

HEARST FAMILY-- WHATEVER DIDTHEY DO TO HIM?

HE'S DEAD NOW, THAT-THAT'LL SHOWHIM.

WHAT DID THE DIRECTOR TELL HIMTO DO?

PAUL.

>> RIGHT, ORSON, WHAT I NEED YOUTO COMMUNICATE IS THE FINER

THINGS IN LIFE-- A LOVE OF ALLTHINGS WONDERFUL.

AND FIRST, I NEED YOU TO GET ASFUCKED UP AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN SO

YOU CAN'T REMEMBER IF YOUR FIRSTLANGUAGE IS ENGLISH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

KYLE KINANE.

>> HEY, ORSON, ONCE YOU'RE DONEWRAPPING UP THAT WET DREAM

YOU'RE HAVING, WHY DON'T WE SELLTHIS BOOZE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HE'S JUST... HE'S JUST COATINGTHIS GUY'S JORDACHE JEANS WITH

JIZZ... RIGHT THERE.

JUST ALL OVER THE THIGH.

JUST PAINTING HIS THIGH.

>> SHE SEEMS OKAY WITH IT.

>> WELL, THAT GUY IS ACTING AS ANATURAL BARRIER IN BETWEEN...

>> SURE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALLABOUT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, MARRIAGE ISALL ABOUT TAKING ORSON WELLES'

JIZZ FOR YOUR PARTNER.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S IN THE VOWS.

>> YEAH, THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: UH, JESSE.

>> UH, OKAY, NOW, ORSON, UH,WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ON THIS

NEXT TAKE IS LOSE CUSTODY OFYOUR KIDS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ACLIP OF ORSON WELLES NOT SELLING

CHAMPAGNE.

I ASKED EACH OF YOU TO GIVE YOUROWN COMMERCIAL A SHOT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

KYLE KINANE, WE'LL START WITHYOU.

>> AH!

THIS 7UP IS MAKING ME SLORNY.

THAT'S-THAT'S SLEEPY AND HORNYAT THE SAME TIME.

AH!

LIKE A SEXY GHOST.

>> HARDWICK: HE WAS REALLYTHERE, HE WAS REALLY THERE.

JESSE JOYCE, LET'S GO TO YOURS.

>> THE... FRENCH...

ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR CHAMPAGNEAND THEIR POETRY AND THEIR

SMOKING, PREGNANT WOMEN AND...

FIDELITY MEANS NOTHING TO THOSEPEOPLE-- THEY'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VEJUST NOTICED THAT MY DICK IS

OUT.

>> HARDWICK: CHRIST.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW?

AND FINALLY, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

(GROANING)>> OH.

MMM. WATER.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU, MAN.

HERE IT COMES.

(RETCHING)IT CAME OUT LIKE TEXAS.

YES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> YES.

>> NAILED IT.

>> YEAH.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, SUPERHASHTAG WARS 2: TURBO

CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION!

YES! YES!

>> IT'S TOO INTENSE!

>> HARDWICK: THE HASHTAGWARSARE THE CORNERSTONE OF

@MIDNIGHT.

ALL THREE OF YOU HAVE PROVENYOURSELVES TIME AND TIME AGAIN

TO BE TRUE HASHTAG WARRIORS.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE RAISING THESTAKES WITH TONIGHT'S GAME,

SUPER HASHTAG WARS 2: TURBOCHAMPIONSHIP EDITION!

VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNAMAKE IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA MAKEIT.

>> HARDWICK: A LITTLE SOMETHINGWE CRAFTED IN THE OLD @MIDNIGHT

LABS.

INSTEAD OF A SINGLE TOPIC, THISWILL BE A DYNAMIC HASHTAG GAME.

THE HASHTAG COULD CHANGE AT ANYTIME, AND YOU WON'T KNOW WHEN.

SO LET'S GET READY TO PUN-BLE!

VERY EXCITED.

WE'RE GONNA START WITH THE VERYFIRST HASHTAG GAME WE EVER

PLAYED ON THIS PROGRAM.

ALSO WAS A LITTLE ASSIST ON THISONE FROM OUR GOOD FRIEND JOHN

HODGMAN.

SO THANKS TO JOHN, WHEREVER YOUARE.

#FILMPOOPS. #FILMPOOPS.

THESE ARE MOVIES THAT SOUND LIKETHEY COULD BE POOPS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE 2 FAST, 2FURIOUS, UH, THE BROWN BUNNY,

CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

YOU GET IT.

DON'T FORGET, THE HASHTAG WILLCHANGE AT ANY TIME, UH, BASED ON

MY WHIMS.

SO LET US BEGIN!

START THE CLOCK! GO!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> WEDDING CRASHERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. JESSE.

>> ANY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. KYLE.

>> SPLASH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. KYLE.

>> TYLER PERRY'S MEET THEBROWNS.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S THE BELL.

#STONERVIDEOGAMES. PAUL.

>> WHAT IF BIOSHOCK WASINFINITE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE JOYCE.

>> UH, CHEECH AND PONG.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)AH, #REDNECKABOOK.

#REDNECKABOOK.

JESSE.

>> A FAREWELL TO SLEEVES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. KYLE.

>> WHITE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. JESSE.

>> UH, THE BOURNE SUPREMACIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ON TO OUR NEXT HASHTAG,

#MYLOVELIFEIN3WORDS.

#MYLOVELIFEIN3WORDS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> SEARCH AND DESTROY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> LUBE-RELATED CONCUSSION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> SURPRISE! CHRIS HANSEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)OH. ON TO THE LAST ONE.

#2016IN5WORDS. JESSE.

>> UH, DON'T USE CHARLIE SHEEN'STOOTHBRUSH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. PAUL F.

>> PLEASE CLAP. PLEASE CLAP!

PLEASE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KYLE KINANE.

>> UH, RESTRAINING ORDER LIFTED.

HI, TABITHA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.