Banyan Tree Elf

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 04/07/2016

Adam enters into a relationship with a sexy magical creature and hosts stand-up from comedians Sarah Tollemache, Leonard Ouzts and Rob Haze.

[relaxed surf music]

- Aloha, aloha, aloha,my friends!

Hey, what's up?

- What's going on?- Here you go.

I got you some boogie boards

as sort of a thank-you

for coming all this wayto do "House Party."

I really appreciate it.Mahalo.

- Thanks.Uh, I don't really boogie.

Uh, but thanksfor buying us these gifts.

- Oh, no, I--I didn't buy them.

They call mea cheap bastard.

I'm regifting thembecause a magical tree elf

gave them to me, so...

- A magical tree elf?- Mm-hmm.

- I think there's a mix-up.

You only rented us one room,and it's three of us.

- I don't havethe mental capacity

to deal with your problems

and also kick itwith this

very beautiful,magical tree elf

that I'm kicking itwith right now.

She is...

Bla-dow!

- Really?Like, for real?

'Cause I would like--

I would love to see her,if I could.

Like, you could take meto the tree.

- And, Leonard,I wish you could,

but I'm not sure if you can.

- Why?

- Because you need

to possess a childlike mind,

which luckily I do possess,

mostly because I readat a middle school level.

Have you ever read"James and the Giant Peach"?

- The only peach I likeis cobbler.

- Don't worryabout giant peaches.

Just worry about your set,

and enjoy your stayat Turtle Bay!

Like "Jurassic Park,"but I said "Turtle Bay"!

[theme music plays]

It turns out she actuallyis concerned about my belly fat.

I was like, "Oh.

Thanks for the linkto these pills."

So now I'm concernedabout my belly fat,

so I gotone of those bathing suits

that girls getto hide their midsection.

It's called a tankini.

Ladies, have you ever wornone of these?

Yeah, it's supposed to hideyour fat roll,

but it's likea one-piece bathing suit

and then they just cut outthis part right here

where your fat roll is,where you're like,

"That's the most important parton the bathing suit.

I need that."

So when you sit down,it slowly seeps out.

And you just look likea busted can of biscuits

sitting on the beach.

Really, that's not hiding it.

It, like, looks likea mammogram down there.

You guys are nice.

I did a show a few weeks ago,

and this guy came up to meafterwards,

and he was like,

"Can I be brutally honestwith you?"

And I was like,"No, thank you."

Oh.That was close.

I almost got my feelings hurt.

I hate brutally honest people.

I'm kind of poor.

Like, I live ina horrible apartment,

and I feel like the only--

like, I live in New York,

and so it'sreally expensive there,

and I feel like the only wayto be happy there

is just, if you just makeyour taste match your budget.

Do you guys ever do that?

Where you're like,"Oh, my God.

"I love business carpetin my apartment.

"I love watching movieson YouTube.

That's my favorite."

But I want to move outof my apartment right now

'cause I have a broken window,

and I emailed my landlordto come fix it,

and then he was like,

"I'll be on that ASAP."

And it's beenover two months now,

and he still hasn't fixed it.

So I think he thinks"ASAP" means,

"Actually, sorry,

ahh, pfft."

[laughter]

All right, guys,you've been real great.

I like to smoke weed.

Can't smoke with everybody.

I choose who I'ma smoke with

based on what kind of snacksyou gonna have

when we get high.

I got this white friendnamed Timmy.

Had to put himin the Hall of Fame.

First time we smoked together,

he pulled out some Lunchables.

Messed me up'cause I didn't even know

you could eat Lunchablesat home.

I thought you had to bein school to each Lunchables.

I ate two semesters' worthof Lunchables at his house.

It was amazing.

Third and fourth grade--it was crazy.

He had the pizza Lunchables.

Remember the pizza Lunchables?

- Whoo!- Whoo-hoo!

You felt likeyour own lunch lady.

You be talking to yourself--

"I'ma put the sauce on itlike this.

"I'ma spread the saucewith the pepperoni.

I'ma bedazzle the cheeseon the pizza."

I don't even knowwhat "bedazzle" means,

but I know you got to bedazzlethe cheese.

I used to be--I used to be a server at IHOP.

I used to work at IHOP.

You know how hard it isto smoke weed,

be big,and take orders?

Felt like meand the customers

was always having foreplay.

They sound so sexy ordering;they'd be like,

"Um, I would likethe pancakes."

I'd be like,"What kind of pancakes?"

They'd be like, "Buttermilk."

I'd be like, "Ooh.

"Ooh.

Whew."

Then they get aggressive.

"Give me two eggs scrambledwith cheese."

I'm like,"Wait, wait, wait, wait."

"Provolone cheese."

I'm like, "Provolone?

"I ain't never did itwith the provolone.

I spend a lot of my timeon social media.

You ever go on social mediaand see your friends

doing something without you?

[audience murmursand laughs]

Oh, the rest of y'alljust popular?

That's fine.

You got to likeall those pics.

You got to let them knowthey left you out.

They post pictures of food;

you got to write stuffin the comments like,

"Mmm, that looks so tasty.

"I could just taste thatfrom here.

#ahhh."

The other day,I was on the internet.

I see that my friend wasat my other friend's wedding.

That's how I found outwe're not cool:

I wasn't invited to the wedding.

I always wantedto go to a wedding

where somebodysaid something

at the, "Speak nowor forever hold your peace."

Like, that's got to bethe greatest speech ever.

That speechhas to be convincing,

but at the same time,it can't sound too rehearsed,

'cause then it's just like,

"Why didn't youjust call her last week?

"Like, obviously,

you've been sitting somewherepracticing this speech."

You got to make sureyou sit on the aisle,

because if it doesn'twork out for you,

you got to leave immediately.

You just tried to ruinthe wedding.

You know, it would be like,

"Speak nowor forever hold your peace."

Hey, babe, you know howwe be saying

"I love you" on the phoneand we be playing?

I don't be playing.

No?Okay.

Uh, excuse me, bro, excuse me.Excuse me.

No, you heard the speech.I didn't kill it.

Excuse me, bro, excuse me.

No, watch out, little bro.Excuse me.

No, move your grandma.Move your other grandma.

Move these surfboards.

[laughter]