The Slump

  • Season 5, Ep 11
  • 03/25/2015

After Alice deems Adam's past sales null and void, Blake and Ders fabricate fake leads to boost his spirits.

Maybe Montez is right.

Maybe Adam DeMampis nothing more than a fat dodo

with a fat headand just a fat, little body.

I'm like a human baby.

No one would buy anythingfrom me.

Stop it.

Stop talking about my friendthat way, okay?

We're gonna go getsome lunch monkeys.

We're gonna go backto the office,

and you're gonna go getthat Top Gun hat back.

Adam,stop eating those chips.

- We haven't paid for them yet.- Hey.

- What?- This is not good.

We're about to witnessthe darkness that is Sadam.

- Sadam Crymamp.- Yep.

Saddest dudein the whole world, yeah.

I don't want to see that,but, I mean, it makes sense.

You can't live life that highwithout coming down.

But we can't let him crash,okay?

Remember what happenedwhen Entourage went off the air.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

He didn't shower for, like,all of Movember or Decembeard.

- Or Manuary.- It's disgusting.

He said he was bathing himselfin his own tears?

- I know.- Hey, guys.

You want to come ona really fun booze cruise?

You mean, like,the Rancho Land Booze Cruise?

Yep, it's the only booze boatcruise where the boat is a bus.

- Oh, I love that.- That's tight.

That sounds way tight,way tight,

tight like your outfit.

looking good,looking good.

(Blake)Yes, you are a vision,aren't you?

Speaking of vision,what happened to your peeper?

- Oh, my God!- Oh!

Oh, you're, like,a vampire.

I just--just thought it was,like, part of the--the giddy-up.

- It's not.- Okay.

Yeah, no,that's--that's obvious now.

Just give meyour goddamn names.

(Adam)What's going on here?

Dude, she's inviting usto the Rancho Land Booze Cruise.

(Adam)Makes sense that she wouldinvite you guys

after I had already left.

I'm such a fat idiot.

I'd probably step on boardthe Land Booze Cruise

and sink it rightin the concrete.

Oh, right into the concrete.You hear how funny this guy is?

I'm not funny.

He's a good guy and single.

Yeah, way single.No one loves me.

(Anders)Why don't we putthe reservation in his name?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

So Adam DeMamp, plus two,and that's, "Mamp."

It's just how it sounds,very American name.

- Mamp. Got it.- Yeah, yeah.

- Plus two.- Yes.

And remember,it's our imperfections

that make us beautiful.

I have a micro-penis.

See you.I don't know.

[line trilling]

[telephone rings]


Hello, may I please speakwith a Mr. Blownoff?

(Anders)This is he,and you can call me Dick.

(Adam)Okay, Mr. Blownoff,

I am telling--I am talking to you today

from my work,TelAmeriCorp.

Hey, are you sickof unblended foods?

'Cause it's--you know what?

Never mind. I suck at my job.And I suck at my life.

- Good-bye forever.- Hang on.

Listen, son, I don't bite.

What are you selling?

Stupid freaking blenders.

Well, I'll take five.

How 'bout that?

That's cool.

I mean, honestly,if I'm being real with you,

I wouldn't buy anythingfrom me, because one, I'm fat,

two, I'm stupid, three,I'm fat and stupid combined.

(Anderson)Listen,you don't sound fat to me,

maybe a little depressed, huh?

And I've been there.

- Really?- You know what I did?

I went on a booze cruisewith my friends,

and I was totally cured.

Anyway, blenders...

Well, the blenders,

actually, I take it back,what I said earlier.

They're pretty cool.You can make juices.

You can, like,blend up a boot.

That's how sharp this thing is.That's how intense it is.

Oh, I actually have a boot hereright now.


[imitating blender whirring]

Oh, my gosh, the boot,it's blending so well.

[imitating blender whirring]

That's funny.

Well, looks like it'llget to you Tuesday,

and I just want to saythank you.

You are a great man,Mr. Dick Blownoff.

(Anders)And you are a goodgoddamned salesman.

Okay, so I'm gonna go aheadand put you down

- Hey, dudes, what's up?- Hey.

(Karl)So you guys need a pro actorto trick Adam, huh?

Okay. Well, you're in luck.

This is a client of mine,Ryan Gall.

Ryan here has ran upa pretty hefty tab

over the past couple yearsin weed,

so he's gonna pay you guysin acting dollars.

- Isn't that right, Ry?- Mm-hmm.

- Isn't that right?- Yeah, that's--

- You're gonna pay them, huh?- Yes.

- You're gonna act for them.- I will. I will.

Okay, Ryan knows everythingthat's going on.

He's a Groundling.

He can improv.

If you need me,I'm gonna be at Burger King.

I got a dude that gives mefree refills,

and I am freaking pumpedabout that.

See you, Ryan.

- Where are you going?- Act good.

You said it would bea half hour.

You're with them, Ryan.

(Blake) Well, well, well, we'rein the midst of a real actor.

Great, great, so what's thisGroundhogs thing

he's talking about, huh?

It's the Groundlings,and we do improv comedy.

It's kind of like Whose Line,a lot of, "Yes, and..."

All right, save it.

Yes,and what the hell's Whose Line?

Oh, it's like Wild 'N Out.

Oh, okay,well, here's a tip.

Lead with that, you know?

Just drop Affion Crockett,and people will be with you.

- Now we're on board.- Have we seen you in anything?

I've been in some commercials.

- Seriously?- Yeah.

Oh, he's that Captain Obviousguy.

- That's not me.- Oh.

- No?- No.

- Okay.- I know who he is.

Dude, you're one ofthe two Sonic guys.

- Oh, yeah--- We watch you all the time.

- Yeah, the drive-thru-- I'm not--that's not me.

I thought you were incommercials, man.

What the heck?Do you even know Flo?

No, look,I am a serious actor, okay?

I trained under the Jim Rash.

(Blake)Oh,so a fellow thespian-

I actually did sometheater acting in college.

I played the role of Puck.

No kidding? Midsummer's Night Dream?

No, no, actually,it was a stage adaptation

of Real World: San Francisco.

- I played Puck.- Yeah.

The peanut butter scenewas riveting.

Here's your informationfor Mr. Blownoff.

Basically,he's the exact opposite of Adam,

because we need himto just hate you.

I can play the heel,no problem.

It's basically what I didon Ten Items or Less.

You were on Ten Items or Less?

- Yeah.- Dude.

That show had the bestcommercials.

It did.

Honestly Dude-

You're like,100% right.

Because I was lookingat some small-chested pornog,

and Riley Reed made me realize

that I've been ignoringthe butt.

Yes, and the butt'sthe most erogenous area

on the woman's--

I mean, I don't mindif someone's playing--

Oh, God, they're on to me.

- What?- No--no--run!

(Anders)Agent Blownoff,you're coming with us.

Save yourself,

and make sure that you takeyour friends, Blake and Ders,

on this Land Booze Cruise.

No, I'll save you!

- Yes!- Oh, my God. We did it.

- We did it.- We did it.

- You were amazing, man.- Thank you.

And I mean this when I saythat you could be in those,

like, hella dramatic commercialswhere they try and get people

to adopt dogsbefore they murder them.

Or even, like,the hella way dramatic

new Life Alert commercials;have you seen those?

(Anders)Oh, my God, heart breaker.

We should get thosefor our grandmas, 'cause, like,

what if she does fall down,and, like, she can't get up?

I don't want that to happen.

She's a beautiful woman.

Yeah, she is really pretty.My grandma's hot.

All right, let's circle backto join Adam

for this booze cruise,huh?

- Yeah, baby.I love it.



- Oh, my God.- Is he okay?


- Whoo-hoo!- Oh, gosh.