Monday, May 11, 2015

  • 05/11/2015

Kathryn Hahn, Adam Pally and Brett Gelman watch Shaquille O'Neal take a tumble, list #HipsterCrimes, spell fake Internet words and guess what a high Morgan Freeman might say.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S HEADLINESIT'S RAPID REFRESH.

... PILE OF GRAPHIC.

WELL THE NBA PLAYOFFS AREHEATING UP, A BUNCH OF DRAMATIC

BUZZER BEATERS, BLAH, BLAH.THAT'S GREAT FOR THOSE

MILLIONAIRES, BUT HONESTLY WEARE MORE FANS OF THE AGONY OF

DEFEAT, OR SPECIFICALLY THEAGONY OF SHAQ'S FEET.

IN THIS SHOT HERE.

>> ... AND THIS IS OBVIOUS.

>> GET HIM, KENNY.

>> OH, NO!

>> Chris: ENORMOUSLY GOINGDOWN.

THAT'S HOW BIG HE IS, THIS ISACTUALLY A FULL-SIZED

BASKETBALL COURT.

HE IS THAT ENORMOUS. THAT ISSHAQ-FU GOING SHAQ-FAIL ON

THE HALF-TIME SHOW, WHICH MY MOMMADE ME WATCH YESTERDAY AFTER

SHE MADE DINNER BECAUSE HALF OFTHE SHOW IS WEARING BUBBLE

WRAP, AND I WAS LIKE, WHY ISSHAQ WEARING BUBBLE WRAP?

SHE WAS LIKE, YOU HAVE 0 GOT TOSEE THIS.

AND THEN PLAYED IT BACK, ANDTHEN GOT MAD AT THE OTHER GUY.

SHE'S LIKE, THOSE ASSHOLES DIDNOT GET UP TO HELP HIM?

THEY JUST LAUGHED AT HIM ONTHE FLOOR?

AS IT IS LIKE RIGHT, WE AREGOING TO DO THAT ON OUR SHOW

TOMORROW.

BUT THE INTERNET, OF COURSE,SENDS ITS DEEPEST SYMPATHIES

VIA MEME, LIKE SAD SIMBA.

>> OH, NO!

>> Chris: OR THIS GENTLETAKEDOWN.

GRRRR!

>> THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> Chris: THAT'S ALL WORTH ASMILE. ISN'T THAT RIGHT,

COURTSIDE KANYE?

HA, HA, HA!

OH, THERE'S THE CAMERA.

NO.

>> WE SAW IT! WE SAW YOU SMILE! WE SAW IT!

WE SAW IT!

YOU TRIED TO SWALLOW IT FOR THECAMERAS, 'CAUSE YOU WERE

BREAKING CHARACTER BUT THE WHOLEWORLD SAW IT.

THIS MOTHER (BLEEP)ER ACTUALLYFEELS JOY.

HE FEELS JOY!

I ESPECIALLY LOVE THE FORMERBULLS GREAT SCOTTIE PIPPEN WAS

THE WHO GOT THE ELUSIVE SMILEOUT OF KANYE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DID PIPPEN SAYTO GET THE GRIN?

KATHRYN?

>> FISH STICKS SOUNDS LIKE FISHDICKS IF YOU SAY IT FAST

ENOUGH.

FISH STICKS! FISH STICKS!

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

>> Chris: I LOVE THAT THAT'SWHAT SCOTTIE PIPPEN SAID TO

KANYE WEST.

POINTS. BRETT GELMAN.

>> I THINK IT WAS LIKE, HEY,KANYE LET'S PLAY A GAME WHERE WE

PRETEND WE ARE HAPPY AND THEN ASSOON AS THE CAMERA GETS ON US

GET REAL SERIOUS REAL FAST. THERE IS THE CAMERA, GO.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS. I THINK THAT'SPROBABLY--

MOVING ON, INDIEGOGO ISJUMPING INTO THE POLITICAL FRAY

BY CROWD-FUNDING AN EXCITING NEWPRODUCT FOR THE 2016

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

WHAT COULD IT IRONICALLY BE?

A, A MARCO RUBIO VAPE PEN.

B, TED CRUZ SEX TOY.

C, AN APP THAT GIVES DRIVINGDIRECTIONS FROM CARLY FIORINA.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> B, TED CRUZ SEX TOY.

>> Chris: UNFORTUNATELY, YES.

THAT'S THE ANSWER.

THERE IT IS.

>> LOOK AT HIS BUTT BALLS.

>> Chris: YES, HIS BUTT BALLS...

SO, THEY'RE DOING GREAT TRYINGTO GET $5,000.

SO FAR THEY HAVE TEN.

WHAT'S ANOTHER MOREAPPROPRIATE PRESIDENTIAL PRODUCT

TIE-IN THAN A THE DILDO SHAPEDLIKE TED CRUZ.

KATHRYN HAHN.

>> I WOULD HAVE TO SAYSIGNIFICANTLY BIGGER DILDO

SHAPED LIKE TED CRUZ.

>> Chris: YES. PERFECT.

POINTS.

>> THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

>> WHAT ABOUT A DOUBLE SIDEDRICHARD NIXON DILDO.

>> Chris: YES!

>> AKA THE TRICKY DICK.

>> Chris: YES!

WITH THE FINGERS OUT.

>> I AM NOT A CROOK!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: AS PROTESTS IN LONDONRAGE ON, THERE IS ONE THING

BOTH SIDES CAN AGREE ON.

THIS MOUSTACHED MAN OF THE LAWIS A BONA FIDE HIPSTER.

LOOK AT THAT GUY.

WITH HIS SHAVED HEAD ANDPORTLAND BEARD, THE INTERNET HAD

NO CHOICE BUT TO DUB THIS MANHIPSTER COP.

IN HONOR OF THIS RARE BREED OFCHILL COP TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#HIPSTERCRIMES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, FLANNELCOLLAR CRIME, OR ARCADE FIRE, OR

STATUTORY VAPE.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECONDSON THE CLOCK NOW AND BEGIN.

ADAM PALLY.

>> OVERREACTING AND SHOOTING ANINNOCENT BLACK PERSON IN

PORTLAND.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

KATHRYN HAHN.

>> WIRE FRAUD. IT'S TALKINGABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THE WIRE

EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NEVER SEENIT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> PRETENDING YOU ARE POOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM PALLY.

>> RACIAL PROFILING ONFLATBREAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> THINKING YOU'RE COOL WHENYOU'RE JUST A STUPID ASSHOLE.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

KATHRYN.

>> OVERCHARGING FOR MUSTACHERIDES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

.. AN ISSUE THESE PEOPLE CARE ALOT ABOUT. ADAM.

>> USE OF RIOT GEAR AND ASSAULTRIFLES WITH OWLS ON IT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

KATHRYN, YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE?

>> WATCHING NETWORK TELEVISION.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY INTERNETZSPELLING BEE.

INTERNETZ SPELLING BE.

THIS IS WHERE WE PUTFULL-GROWN COMEDIANS ON THE SPOT

TO SEE IF THEIR RIDICULOUSINTERNET LANGUAGE SKILLS ARE

ON FLEEK.

O-N F-L-E-E-K, ON FLEEK.

KATHRYN HAHN YOUR WORD IS SRSLY.

AN EXPRESSION OF FACE PALMING INDISBELIEF, AS IN, WHEN I TOLD MY

DOG HE WAS GOING TO HAVE HISDOGS SNIPPED, LIKE SRSLY.

>> SRSLY?

>> Chris: SRSLY. BUT INTERNETSRSLY.

>> SRSLY, S-E-R-R...

>> Chris: NO, SORRY.

>> SERIOUSLY?

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU DOINGBRINGING VOWELS TO THE

CONVERSATION?

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! IDON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

>> Chris: S-R-S-L-Y. SRSLY?

>> OKAY.

>> Chris: THERE ARE NO VOWELSON THE INTERNET.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> LOOK AT THE HASHTAG.

>> Chris: I DON'T EVEN SEE THEVOWELS IN YOUR NAME.

TO ME, YOU'RE JUST K-T-H-N.

>> SRSLY?

>> Chris: SRSLY.

>> OKAY, NOW I GET IT. NOW I GETIT.

>> Chris: ADAM PALLY YOUR WORDIS 3NDER. 3NDER.

AN APP LIKE TINDER, FORARRANGING THREESOMES.

>> CAN YOU --

CAN YOU USE IT IN A SEXUALSENTENCE?

>> MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVETRYING TO SPICE UP OUR

RELATIONSHIP, SO SHE WANTS TO(BLEEP) A GUY WE FOUND ON 3NDER.

I THINK I GET TO BE INVOLVED --I AM STILL DOING IT.

I THINK I GET TO BE A PART OFTHIS.

>> IT IS TOO MUCH OF A PEEKINSIDE.

I WOULD SAY T-R...

>> Chris: NOPE.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS THE NUMBER3-N-D-E-R.

>> OH, YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> Chris: WELL IT'S THEINTERNET.

BRETT GELMAN, YOUR WORD ISLIL' TERRIO, A DELIGHTFULLY

YOUNG MAN WHO'S BECOMEVINE FAMOUS FOR VIDEOS LIKE

THIS.

>> OH, I'M TAKING A BATH. OH,I'M TAKING A BATH.

>> I LOVE HIM!

>> Chris: TO BE FAIR HE ISMAKING THE MOST OUT OF BEING

KIDNAPPED BY A JANITOR.

>> I'VE NEVER SEEN A VIDEO WHERETHER ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG

AND SO MANY THINGS RIGHT AT THESAME TIME.

>> Chris: SPELL THAT, PLEASE.

>> L-I-L.

>> Chris: UH-HUH.

>> T-

>> Chris: OH!

THIS IS WHERE EVERYONE ALWAYSFAILS.

THAT'S THE L-I-L LITTLEAPOSTROPHER T-E-R-R-I-O.

>> OH, I MEAN, LIKE THE SPELLERSWRITE IT WRONG, THE APOSTROPHE,

ISN'T THAT GRAMMATICALLYCORRECT.

>> Chris: WELL, BUT THAT'S HOWHE SPELLS IT.

>> WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> Chris: AND HE IS VERY PROUDOF IT.

>> WELL, I CAN'T ARGUE WITH LIL'TERRIO.

>> Chris: YOU CAN'T.

KATHRYN HAHN YOUR WORD ISSWOLEFIE, SWOLEFIE. A NOUN, A

SELFIE TAKEN AT THE GYM BY AJACKED UP BRO TO SHOW HE EVEN

LIFTS.

HERE IS A DOUBLE SWOLEFIERIGHT THERE.

>> OH, GROSS.

>> Chris: THESE GUYS ARE --

>> LOOK AT THOSE VEINS, GUYS.

>> Chris: YEAH.

LET ME OUT! SOMEONE HELP MEOUT.

PLEASE.

>> WAIT A SECOND, GUYS.>> HE CANNOT BREATHE!

>> I'M GAY.

>> IT JUST HAPPENED.

>> A SWOLEFIE. SWOLEFIE.

>> Chris: SWOLEFIE.

>> SWOLEFIE.

>> S-W-L --

>> Chris: NO!

>> I DIDN'T WANNA USE A VOWEL!

>> Chris: NO IN THIS CASE IT'SOKAY TO USE VOWELS.

>> GOSH DARN IT.

>> Chris: THAT'S THE THINGWITH THE INTERNET THERE ARE

RULES AND THEN THOSE RULES ARENOT THOSE RULES.

THE CORRECT SPELLING ISS-W-O-L-E-F-I-E.

>> WHAT IS IT REFERRING TO?

>> Chris: SWOL, LIKE THEY ARESWOLLEN FROM WORKING OUT, AND

SELFIES.

>> DON'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE ON MYLAST WORD I MISSPELLED IT

BECAUSE THERE WAS A NUMBER INIT.

>> Chris: YEAH.

I KNOW, IT'S HARD.

>> HEY, DON'T FORGET WE HAVE ALLMISSPELLED ALL BECAUSE WE KNOW

HOW TO SPELL.

>> THANK YOU, YES.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW HOW WORDS ARESUPPOSED TO BE SPELLED.

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED UPTO NOW.

PALLY, YOUR WORD IS YASSS, AHYPER-FIERCE VERSION OF YES, FOR

EXAMPLE, SHE WAS ALL, DO YOUWANT ME BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH,

AND I AM LIKE YASSS, BISH.

AND IT IS NOT LIMITED TO HUMANS.

>> OH.

>> YOU WANT TREAT? YASSS, IF IFYOU WANT? YASSS.

>> THAT'S THE BEST THING IHAVE EVER SEEN.

>> I AM SO INTO IT.

>> THAT'S THE BEST.

>> CAN I HAVE THE LANGUAGE OFORIGIN?

>> Chris: INTERNET.

>> FAIR ENOUGH SO THERE ISDEFINITELY SOME NUMBERS.

>> WHAT WAS THE WORD?

>> Chris: YASSS.

>> Y-A-S-S-S-S-S.

>> Chris: ARE WE GOING TO GIVEHIM THAT?

YES, WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THATTO YOU.

WE ARE GOING TO GIVE THAT TOYOU.

>> GOD!

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOU TOCOME WITH A LINE OF VOICEOVER

AS A SUPER-STONED MORGANFREEMAN.

LET'S START WITH YOU, ADAMPALLY!

>> SO AT THE END OF THE DAY, APOUND DEEP INTO THIS PURPLE

KUSH THAT I'VE PRIMARILYSNORTED, YOU HAVE TO SAY TO

YOURSELF, ALL THIS CRAZYBUSINESS MAKES SENSE NOW.

THE WHOLE MARRYING YOURGRANDDAUGHTER THING AND ALL.

>> Chris: OH SHOOT.

WE WERE TRANSPORTED! KATHRYNHAHN.

>> MS. DAISY. DO YOU MIND IF IPULL INTO THIS 7-11?

I NEED TO GET SOME RED VINE ANDBUGLES, ASAP.

>> Chris: BRETT GELMAN.

>> IT HAS BEEN OVER AN HOUR ANDA HALF SINCE MY WEED DEALER

STARTED PLAYING ME HIS DUB STEPDEMO.

HE ASKED ME WHAT I SHOULD NAMETRACK 23 AND I SAID, HOW ABOUT

CALL IT GIVE ME MY DRUGS SO ICAN GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE

DJ MORON.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,EXTREME PARENTING.

>> ALL RIGHT!

>> Chris: HEROES COME IN ALLSHAMES, SIZES AND BLOOD ALCOHOL

LEVELS.

THIS WEEKEND, ONE HEROIC DAD NOTONLY SAVED HIS BJORNED BABY FROM

A FOUL BALL AT A BASEBALL GAME,HE DID A LITTLE PEACOCKING TO

CELEBRATE HIS ACT OF VALOR. TAKEA LOOK.

>> WATCH THIS, HERE WE GO.>> OH, MY GOSH.

>> WHAT?

>> I MEAN, MY GOD.

>> Chris: YOU THOUGHT IT WASBAD TO BRING A BABY TO A

BASEBALL GAME AND WHERE HIM LIKEA VEST, HUH?

YEAH, IF A BALL'S FLYING AT YOUAND YOU HAVE A BABY ON YOUR

CHEST, DON'T [BLEEP]ING STANDUP.

IT'S NOT A HUMAN SHIELD! IT'SYOUR OFFSPRING.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY OTHER HEROIC ACTS OF BRO

DAD AS POSSIBLE IN 60-SECONDSAND BEGIN.

ADAM PALLY.

>> FINDING OUT WHAT IS BETTERFOR COLIC, AN INDIGA OR SATIVA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> TEACHING ASTRONOMY BY DRAWINGTHE SOLAR SYSTEM ON MY BACK WITH

A LIT CIGARETTE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KATHRYN.

>> TEACHING YOUR SON ABOUT THEQUIET AND SIMPLE POETRY OF

LIGHTING YOUR OWN FARTS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

BRETT.

>> SELLING "ALL LIVES MATTER"T-SHIRTS AT THE NURSERY BAKE

SALE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

KATHRYN.

>> FATHER-SON TRIPS TO THESPEARMINT RHINO.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> SLUT-SHAMING MYTHREE-YEAR-OLD SISTER.

HE'S A BRO DAD, HE'S A PIECE OF(BLEEP).

YOU GET THE JOKE? COMEON.

>> Chris: YEAH, FROM THATCHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW --

THAT'S NOT WHAT BRETT SAID.

ALTHOUGH THAT IS SOMETHING THATBRETT WOULD SAY.

HE IS IN CHARACTER RIGHT NOW.

ADAM.

>> I JUST HAVE TO GET AWAY FROMIT.