June 20, 2016 - Tom Papa

  • 06/20/2016

A Tennessee congressman announces a raffle for an AR-15 rifle, and Larry examines Donald Trump's struggling presidential campaign with Tom Papa, Jordan Carlos and Grace Parra.

Yes, thank you very much!

Thank you.Thank you so much.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I'm Larry Wilmore.

Thank you so much.Please have a seat.

Very exciting night.First off...

-Yeah, yes. Big...-WOMAN: Love you, Larry.

-I love you too, baby.-(laughter)

But I have to say,

big props to King Jamesand the Cavaliers, you guys.

-They did it. They did it.-(applause and cheering)

Wow, man,what a game last night.

I was stuck in hell on a plane,

and I missed it,and I couldn't see it.

But what an historic comeback.Man!

Now, I have to admit, I wasrooting for the Splash Brothers.

I do have to admit.

Well, guys, I had no choice--the light-skinned brothers.

-Right? True.-(applause)

Exactly. So in honor...

You know, in honorof their valiant run,

I got to pour one outFor Curry and Thompson.

-Here you go. Here you go.-(laughter)

So, here you go.Here you go.

-(applause and cheering)-Here you go. Oh.

Ah. A little splashfor the Splash Brothers. Mm.

It's not regular chocolate milk,but light skin-ded.

-(laughter)-Mmm.

Hmm. Delightful,creamy-colored drink.

-(laughter)-You may be thinking at home,

"How come he doesn't havea milk mustache?"

I do,it's just a perfect match.

-(laughter)-Mm. Mm-hmm.

Light skin-ded:the milk that matches.

-Mm-hmm.-(applause and cheering)

All right.

Okay let's go from lightskin-ded to orange skin-ded

and see what's happeningwith the Unblackening.

Okay, this weekend,Trump did what Trump does best.

He spewed nonsenseout of his gaping face chasm.

-(laughter)-And...

In the wake of last week'smass shooting in Orlando,

Trump went on Face the Nation

to talk about profilingthis nation's faces.

How does ethnic profilinghave anything

to do with common sense?

I guess Trump never readthat Jane Austen book,

Common Sense and Sensibility.

-(laughter)-Right? Right?

Where a whip-smart girland her 18 sisters find love

where they least expect it:the no-fly list.

-Is it...? Am I the only one?-(laughter)

Am I the onlywell-read person here? Come on.

-(applause and cheering)-It's a fantastic book.

So... so Trump may bedoubling down on the Muslim ban,

but we all know how this goes,right?

Trump says crazy (bleep),everybody gets mad, right,

and his poll numbers skyrocket.

It's like a scabthat-that you keep picking

until the festering woundbecomes the presumptive nominee

of a major U.S.political party.

-(laughter)-I don't understand it.

But here's why... here's whythis time it may be different.

It's not clearthis is going to work for him.

WOMAN:The Reuters/Ipsos poll conducted

from last Monday to Friday,

showed Clintonwith a 10.7 point lead

among likely voters over Trump.

Yeah, but Trump does stillhave strong support

among low-income whites,rural males

-and Confederate ghosts.-(laughter)

Mm. They're this year'ssoccer moms, right?

(laughter)

That's right, Donald. You're notin the primary anymore,

and the general election crowd

isn't really buyingyour whole thing.

Everyone's getting tiredof his shtick.

You know, shtick hasa shelf life, you guys.

It does.

That's why you don't see me outhere doing "Who's On First?"

-(laughter)-Things get old.

Well, except for that video

of the monkey sniffing his buttand falling off the tree.

Oh, man, oh,that's good every time. Wait.

Let's see that now.

-(cheers and applause)-Mm. Ah.

Mm. Classic!

Uh, actually, guys,this is true.

Our legal department says

we can't use thatmonkey-sniffing-his-butt clip

unless we make a direct commentabout it.

So let me just say,

hey, man,that monkey sniffed his butt

right beforehe fell out of that tree.

Isn't that something? Man.

That must beone stinky monkey butt. Man!

We good, legal? We good?Okay, that's it.

Anyway, all right,

so these numbers haveDonald Trump so concerned,

the presumptive nominee ordereda campaign shake-up.

WOMAN: He has dumped hislong-time campaign manager

Corey Lewandowski.

WOMAN: The Trump campaigntells the Associated Press

it currently hasabout 30 paid field staffers

across the country.

30 staffers?What the (bleep)!

(laughter)

That's not nearly enough peoplefor their office's

racist Secret Santa.

(laughter and groaning)

I don't understandthat picture at all.

Sorry. I don't understand that.

I don't get it.

-Uh, I don't get it.-(applause and cheering)

I think, uh...

Guys, here's the thing.Here's the thing.

I can't believe Trump is seriousabout running for president.

I don't. Think about it.

30 staffers!That's nothing!

We have 100 stafferson this show,

and this show's notrunning for president.

-(laughter)-A hundred.

I mean, we need that many people

just to show you stufflike this.

-That really is classic.It really is. -(laughter)

I mean, how stinkycan this monkey's butt be?

(laughter)

I mean, it knocked him outfor Christ's sakes!

(laughter)

Okay. All right,here's the point.

I'm not sayingTrump is disorganized.

I'm saying he's non-organized.

(laughter)

He not only doesn't take policyseriously.

He doesn't even takehis own candidacy seriously.

And so it's not a surprisethat the RNC, fearing the worst,

is trying to replace him.

New info this morning

that the "never Trump" movementhas a new plan.

Some GOP delegates plottinghow to block Trump

from becomingthe party's nominee.

-First of all, let me just saythis is so much fun. -(laughter)

-It is, man. I love it.-(applause and cheering)

It's so much fun,and I tell you why. Ah.

Seeing the Republicans tryingto replace Donald Trump,

because they gave birthto this demon seed, right?

And let me tell you something.Here's the thing, guys.

The demon seed comes outa very cute baby, right?

Its tiny hands actuallymake sense at that point.

(laughter)

But it doesn't take longfor that baby to reveal itself

as the devil it really is,much like this.

There you go, Grandpa.

-Ah, she's beautiful.-(laughs)

(hisses)

(screaming)

That's right, Republicans,you gave birth to that baby!

I don't blame youfor wanting to kill it,

but you gave birth to that baby!

-(cheering, applause)-That was on you!

Now... now, like,there are rumors

about who couldpotentially replace Trump,

and no one knows for sure.

So here to give ussome insight--

and at his request,we're protecting his identity--

uh, Republican insider, Mr. X.

Thank you.

-(applause, cheering, whooping)-Thank you very much.

Thank you.Thank you for having me, Larry.

Uh, so, Mr. X,is it true the RNC

wants to replace Donald Trump?

(sounds like Bernie Sanders):It's absolutely true.

Desperate times, Larry.

We need someonewho's strong enough

to defeat the Clinton machine.

Okay. Um,so what kind of candidate

are you guys looking for, then?

Well, we're looking for someonewho can electrify the youth.

Okay. That seemslike a good strategy.

Hillary doesn't poll as wellwith young people.

Exactly! Believe me, I know.

And maybe... maybe this fellahas worked in politics

a long time, but still feelslike an outsider.

(laughter)

Um...

Wait a minute, this sounds oddlylike Bernie Sanders.

Never heard of him.

(laughter)

Okay.

-You... you know what elsewe need? -What's that?

-A catchy campaign slogan.-Okay.

You know, somethinglike "Feel the Bern."

I don't know,I'm just spitballing.

That wasa pretty accurate spitball.

I mean, that'sBernie's campaign slogan.

It is? Boy, that guysounds really great.

-(laughter)-Look, the RNC needs a candidate

who can change coursefrom Trump's hate speech.

Now is the time for unity,not racism, homophobia,

uh, religion-bashing.

Also, universal health carelike Denmark's.

(laughter)

Universal health care. Are yousure you're not Bernie Sanders?

Larry, stop itwith your "gotcha" questions.

Nobody cares aboutyour damn "gotcha" questions.

-Okay, I'm sorry. I apologize.-All I'm saying is

that if you're lookingto replace Trump,

just get a New Yorkerwith crazy hair.

You're halfway there.Come on, it's easy!

It's not science, Larry.

-(whooping, applause)-Okay. You're right.

You're right.Uh, maybe it is easy.

-Okay, thanks, Bernie.-You're welcome.

Ha-ha! Gotcha! Ha-ha!

-Damn it! Damn it, Larry!-Heh-heh-heh! Heh!

The chance of getting mewas exactly one percent.

-That's right.-Damn it!

All right,good luck at the convention,

whichever one you attend.

Mr. X, everyone.We'll be right back!

-(cheering, applause)-Whoo! Welcome back!

Now, we are just a few days away

from the first annualHolt's HogFest & Turkey Shoot.

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

-(others whooping) -You know,the campaign fundraiser

for TennesseeState Representative Andy Holt.

-Yeah? Huh?-Yeah. -(laughter)

Well, it's an eventthat's causing some controversy.

Representative Andy Holtannounced

he was going to give awayan AR-15 as a door prize

for a campaign fundraiser.

-(laughter, groans)-(groans)

Okay, that cannot be right.

Um, I'm sure Representative Holt

in the wake of last week'smass shooting

is putting his plans to giveaway that AR-15 on hold, right?

Now not only does he say he'sstill giving away the weapon,

he wants to give away two.

(laughing, groaning)

This guy shouldn't just getone kick to the nuts,

-he should get two.-(laughter)

-(applause, whooping)-All right, well...

here to discussthe AR-15 giveaway further

is the man in chargeof Representative Holt's

big fundraiser, Burt Powers.Hello, Burt.

-(cheering, applause)-All right, hey.

Great to be here, Larry.Great to be here.

Uh, so, it looks like you're allset up for the big fundraiser.

Oh, that's right,we sure are, man.

Right now you can enter and winamazing prizes, Larry,

including these two beautiesright here, these AR-15's.

Did you know you could shootan adult elephant in half

with one of these puppies?I've seen it.

It is good fun, good fun.

That's not good fun.That's horrible!

Agree to disagree.It's f... it's fun for me.

(laughter)

Okay, so you actually thinkthat anybody should be able

-to own an assault rifle?-Oh, absolutely, Lar.

I am so sick and tiredof the media

and those liberal crumbbumsin Washington

attacking our rightto keep and bear arms!

This is a rightevery American has, Larry.

Every single American.

Oh, uh, can I... can I help you?

Yeah. Uh,we want to enter the raffle

to win one of the AR-15's.

-Right. -Yeah. How muchare the tickets? -Mm-hmm.

Uh...

well, uh...

are you sure you wantto enter to win the AR-15?

-(chuckles)-Absolutely, yeah.

Wouldn't you...rather the snow cone maker?

-That's delicious!-Nope. No, no.

Or how about this?Oh, this is fantastic.

An amazing family movie night,uh, popcorn bucket.

-Yeah. Yeah. We don't want a...-Who doesn't like popcorn?

-we don't want a popcorn bucket.-No, no.

Burt, it sounds likeyou're having an issue here.

-Is something wrong.-Wha...? No, no, no, no.

They just struck meas cinephiles, is all.

You know, movie buffs.(chuckles)

I'm sure you guys must lovefilms like, you know,

Fat Mama's House and such,

uh, The Boyz in the Neighborhood,

or whatever Tyler Perryis currently presenting--

you know, movies. Movies.

No! We don't... No.We just want one of the AR-15's.

-Yeah, that's it.-Yeah, give those nice people

a chance to winan assault rifle.

R-Right.Right, right, right, right.

Well, uh...

well, uh, wh-wh-whenRepresentative Holt

-came up with thatAR-15 giveaway, -Uh-huh. Right.

I don't know thathe was picturing, you know...

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute,bro, wait a minute.

-Is this 'cause we're black?-What? No! You're black?!

-I'm...-(laughter)

-Yeah. Yeah, we are.-What? I had no idea.

Did you know they were black?

No, I don't carewhat color you are.

I don't... Color?I don't care if you're white

-or blue or orange or purple...-You didn't say black.

Uh, let me... let me finishnaming colors. (chuckles)

-Fine.-Uh, you could be sea foam

-Sea foam?-or magenta or burgundy.

-Burt. Burt, Burt, Burt,-There's so many colors.

-you seem very uncomfortableright now. -What?

I've never been more at easein-in my...

Ring, ring, ring.That's my cell phone.

Ring, ring, ring. Oh, hello.I got to...

-What the (bleep)is wrong with you, man? -What?

-Just give us the damn gun!-I'm sorry, I got this

-very important call...-But you made all those noises

-with your mouth. -Absolutely.-That's not true.

This is, uh... I got newring technology. Google that.

-It's true. It's a whole new...-Mm-hmm. Okay.

Look, what...what is the problem, Burt?

A minute ago you were gung-hoabout this AR-15 giveaway.

Now some black people come up

and you don't wantto give them the guns?

Aw, come on, man, you keepmaking this about the color

of... I just... How manycolors do I have to name?

I mean... I'll name all of them.

Eggshell--that's a lovely color.

Uh, I don't careif you're pomegranate.

-Mm-hmm. -I don't careif you're forest green.

(chuckles)Pimento. Apricot.

-WILMORE: Pimento?-Nothing really matters.

I must run.Good-good tidings and such.

-Thank you.-(laughter)

-Unbelievable. Wow.-(applause, whooping)

Well, guys, uh... I guess...

I guess I should say sorry youwon't be able to win the AR-15.

Oh, we don't want a gun, Larry.

We just wanted to messwith these mother (bleep).

-(laughter)-Oh.

(applause, whooping)

-Okay. -You know how it is,you know how it is.

-Yeah. -They always wanteverybody to have a gun

-unless it's us.-Yeah.

But I am takingthis popcorn bucket, though.

-(cheering)-Whoo!

Milk Duds.(giggles)

All right, we'll be right backright after this.

All right, welcome back!I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Jordan Carlos.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(cheering, applause)

And he will record his thirdhour-long standup special

on July 9 at the Hanna Theatrein Cleveland,

very funny comedian,Tom Papa's back.

-CARLOS: Yes.-(cheering, applause)

For everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Well, it's Monday-- as muchas I'd like to ignore Trump,

-I just can't.-(laughter)

But his campaign seemsto be falling apart.

He fired his campaign manager,Corey Lewandowski.

He's polling lower than anygeneral election candidate has

in the last three elections.

And he only... I said earlier,he only has, like,

30 people working for him!

I mean, to me,he behaves like someone

who doesn't really wantto be elected.

And there were, like,all these conspiracy theories.

Does he really wantto be president?

I was thinking the same thing.When he started,

I was like,what does he need this for?

He's got great homes all over.

His wife doesn't wantto live in the White House.

-That would be horrible!-(laughter)

-PARRA: Great closet space,though. -Yeah.

So, I was like, he... I reallyfelt like every time he would

go to a press conferencehe was telling his wife,

"Don't worry,I'm gonna end it tonight."

WILMORE:Yes, right, yes.

"I'm gonna say something so badit's gonna bl...

I'm gonna kill it." And thenhe would walk out and say

"I told the popeto go screw himself."

Right.

And he comes backthree hours later,

"They like me more."-Yeah. -I know.

"They like me more."

I don't know, man. I don't knowif he wants to be president,

but I think he wants to becrowned king, it seems like.

Like, I mean, he's...Look at him.

Like, he-he definitely lookslike he has gout.

-Gout? -You know, like a...like a-like a king would,

-you know what I mean?-Gout!

I-If he had the crownon his head it would, like,

keep his hair down,at least, you know?

He's got a closetfull of velvet capes, for sure.

-Is he a hemophiliac as well?-Yeah, yeah, he's a hemophiliac.

I mean, he's into gold.He is definitely into gold.

There's some inbreedingin the Trump family for sure.

-(audience groans) -Thisall-this all supports... Oh.

-We draw the line at inbreeding.-That was the line.

That was the line.Now we know. Thanks. guys.

But Tom, you're right.You're right, Tom-- he's done

so many egregious things andhis numbers kept just going up.

Do you... Are people stillwaiting for what they think

is-is the one thingto disqualify him?

And if... And I don't know whatthat would be at this point.

-No, I-I really think...-Or they don't care.

No, I think they do care.I think-I think

the party's splitting,I think there's a lot

of really responsible peoplethat are saying that

they can't back him. I thinkit's just the weight of it.

It's like a boatand it just had a lot of holes

and it's juststarting slowly to sink.

It wasn't one big torpedo,it was just a slowly going down.

And it's... it really...And-and I...

you almost feelfor the rest of the party,

especially the responsible oneswho have a... who have an agenda

and really want to do something,'cause they, like, talk to him

and they're like,"Will you pl..."

It's like kind of runninga toddler,

like a two-year-old...as president.

'Cause they're like, all right,is he gonna behave?

He looks like he's gonna behave.He said he's gonna behave.

And then youget into the restaurant

and he just startsthrowing glasses

and screaming.

CARLOS:You have to apologize for him.

-Yeah, you have to apologize.-(cheering, applause)

WILMORE: Right.And it's like, but someone

brought that toddler into therestaurant, that's the thing.

PARRA: That's the thing, Larry.I have a hot take on this:

I am no so sure that we don't want Trump to be president.

-I think we're a sick people.-Um, I'm sure that we don't.

I don't know, Larry.I think there's a little...

there's a little garden gnomeinside of all of us

that's like, "Ooh! Let's seehow far we can take this."

-Really?-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

-Wait, how did the gnome...-It's like, "Ooh!"

Right, just... to make sure.

I think we havea sick fascination

with just how farthis whole thing will go.

Like a schadenfreudefor the destruction of America

-or something? That's insane.-Exactly. -No, I think...

I understand what you'resaying, and in the beginning

it kind of felt that way.Like, maybe it-it is like

-a weird, sick...-Sick fascination.

Yeah, like smellingyour own farts or something.

-Like that monkey.-But... -Right.

-But the monkey did fallout of the tree. -Yes.

-He fell right... Yes.-He fell out. All right...

What a great parablefor our times.

Is there... if they did get ridof Trump is there anybody

out there who you thinkpeople would...

CARLOS:Living or dead?

...would be suitableat this point?

Um, I think, honest...The Rock, maybe? I don't know.

-The Rock! That's hilarious!-The Rock. -(cheers, applause)

-That's what I'm talking about!-You're...

-That's what I'm talking about!They know. -You know what?

That is the first idea I heardthat could actually work.

Kevin Hart's the vice presidentin his pocket.

Little Johnson and a big...Little-Little...

That is the first idea I heardthat would actually work.

Well, we don't have Trumpanymore. Boom, we have The Rock.

-Hey! -Hey! -Yeah, peopleare like, "Yeah, I'm on board."

Even Hillary's like,"I'll go for it."

I love that some membersof the RNC said that

they "have a moral obligation...

Didn't the primary voters

express the truemoral obligation

of the Republican party?

It's almost likehe got lucky, you know?

There were so many candidates,it split up the numbers.

He was making... and he was...he was speaking to people

who are really hurtingand really want to change

and the party wasn't reallyhelping them, and he...

It was kind of mixed upand stuff, but so,

he gets therekind of by accident,

but that doesn't mean we have tocontinue the accident.

-WILMORE: Right.-You know?

Do you think if the Republicansthrew out all those votes

at the convention, I... Oh,I can't imagine what would...

Do you think...do you think they would riot?

That would be fun to see--Republicans rioting.

Personally, I think it...Yeah, it would be kind of fun.

Um... but it'd be like bedlam.I think it'd be totally...

The-the convention would bebedlam. It would be like...

if you've ever been, uh, at theAmerican Girl doll store?

-I have. Not-not in the wayyou think. -On Christmas Eve?

Like on, Chri... There...Yeah, it would be,

it would be, like, violence.Like, really violence.

Like, I mean, it would be like

if they ran out of Addy dolls,you know?

Like... You ran out of Addys?!I don't know.

Girls just crying

and people throwing headsand rolling...

-Parents just rippingat each other. -I think...

It'd be such a weird thing.It's a weird, weird summer

for Cleveland to go from LeBron

and all of that joyand then in about three weeks,

Trump's just gonna roll in.

Everyone's gonnabe boarding things up,

LeBron's gonnabe going back to Miami.

You go from...you go from celebrating the...

celebrating the, uh, king

to having to seethe emperor with no clothes.

That's whatI'm talking about, man.

All right, we'll see.We'll be right back.

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