Monday, February 23, 2015

  • 02/23/2015

Hot Dog, Star Schlessinger and Paul F. Tompkins of "No, You Shut Up!" list #DogTVShows, guess which Russian food arrangements are real and come up with new puppet laws.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID FRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS WEEKEND A BIRD HOUSEMADE BY A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD

BECAME FAMOUS ON REDDIT.

IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY WELL-BUILT, NOR IS IT CAT-THEMED.

THERE IS NO REFERENCE TOSUPERSMASH BROTHERS, BUT IT

IS DECORATED IN A WAY THATONLY THE INTERNET COULD

LOVE.

COME IN MY MOUTH.

IT'S ADORABLE.

IT'S ADORABLE.

JUST WATCHING BIRDS, LIKE,HERE'S A TWEET.

GET SOME OF THAT.

I FEEL LIKE HOT DOG, YOUFIT PERFECTLY RIGHT --

>> I WILL TAKE THAT AS ACOMPLIMENT.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW. THISLOOKS FAMILIAR.

WHERE AM I SEEING THISCREEPY BIRD HOUSE BEFORE?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, CREEPINGON--

(APPLAUSE)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.

>> I THINK IT'S ADORABLE.

HE WANTS BIRDS TO COMEINSIDE HIS HOUSE.

COME INSIDE, BIRDS.

I ASK PEOPLE TO COME INSIDEALL THE TIME.

I TOSS A SALAD.

IT'S NICE.

>> WHOA, WHOA.

>> CHRIS: PANELISTS GIVEN THIS 7YEAR OLD'S OBVIOUS TALENT,

WHAT WILL HIS NEXT CAMPPROJECT BE?

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> I THINK WILL PROBABLYMAKE ONE OF THOSE PAPER

MACHE VOLCANOES FILLEDWITH BAKING SODA, VINEGAR

AND SEMEN.

>> CHRIS: ONE OF THOSE.

>> YEAH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

ARE YOU, UH --

>> YES. YES.>> YEAH.

>> CHRIS: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITHHOW THE HASHTAG GAME WORKS, HOT

DOG.

>> OH, YEAH, HASHTAG#ImFamiliar.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, GOOD.

WHILE WE WERE ON BREAK LASTWEEK -- I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T

COVER THIS LAST WEEK WHENEVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT

IT -- A BEAGEL NAMED MISS PWON BEST IN SHOW AT THE

WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOGSHOW. SO IN HONOR OF THAT

EVENT, THE HASHTAG IS#DogTVShows.

(CHEERS)

"GAME OF BONES" --

COULD BE AN EXAMPLE.

OR "BREAKING BAD BOYS,BREAKING VERY BAD BOY."

OR "TWO BROKE BITCHES" WOULD BEANOTHER ONE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> UM, JEAH.

>> CHRIS: YOU OKAY, HOT DOG?

>> OH, YEAH.

HASHTAG CURB YOURDOG'S ENTHUSIASM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEAH.

PAUL.

>> ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK,OR SO I'M TOLD.

I'M COLOR-BLIND.

I'M A DOG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STAR.

>> TEEN WOLF.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. THAT WORKS.

HOT DOG.

>> BETTER CALL SAUL, HE RANDOWN THE STREET WHEN I

OPENED THE GARAGE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> SO YOU THINK YOU CANUNDERSTAND POINTING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOT DOG.

>> HOW I HUMPED YOURMOTHER'S LEG.

>> YES, POINTS.

STAR.

>> DEGRASSI THAT I PEEDS ONPOINTS.

AND NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAY TAKEBACK THE NIGHTMARE.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHTMARE.

I DON'T WATCH A LOT OFCHILDREN'S TELEVISION

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE CREEPYAND ALSO, BECAUSE CHILDREN

ARE AWFUL.

BUT ALSO SOMETIMES THEIRSHOWS ARE ABSOLUTELY

TERRIFYING.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A YOUTUBECLIP FROM A REAL SHOW THAT WAS

MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND FOR 250,POINTS I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

COME UP WITH A MOREAPPROPRIATE TITLE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE: THESE BLUESIBLINGS, THESE BLUE SIBILINGS.

>> DON'T YOU PUT IT IN YOURMOUTH.

>>DON'T YOU PUT IT IN YOURMOUTH.

>> DON'T STUFF IT IN YOUR FACE,>> DON'T STUFF IT IN YOUR FACE.

>> CHRIS: WAIT, THIS REMINDED MEOF SOMETHING.

THIS REMINDED ME--

(LAUGHTER)

>> EVEN THE CREEPY SIDEWAYSLOOK TOTALLY WORKS.

YES, PAUL.

>> THE REVERSE, REVERSEPSYCHOLOGY HOUR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STAR, DON'T YOU PUT IT INYOUR MOUTH, DON'T YOU

PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

DON'T YOU STUFF IT IN YOURFACE, DON'T YOU STUFF IT IN

YOUR FACE.

STAR, WHAT IS -- WHAT ISYOUR ANSWER.

>> MY ANSWER IS BLUE LIBERALMONSTER TRYING TO TELL ME

WHAT I CAN'T AND CAN'T PUTIN MY MOUTH HOLE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.GREAT, WONDERFUL.

>> IT IS MY RIGHT TO POISONMYSELF WITH WHAT I WANT TO

POISON MYSELF WITH.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

LAST ONE, THIS HAUNTEDVAUDEVILLEIAN.

>> CHRIS: YES, PAUL.

>> THE ONE PERSON YOU MEETIN CHILD HELL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOT DOG.

>> PHIL SPECTER'S SESAMESTREET.

>> CHRIS: [BLEEP]

(APPLAUSE)

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

THIS CROWD LOVES ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS TO HOT DOG.

>> YEAH.

NAILING IT.

>> YEAH.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,INEDABLE ARRANGEMENTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RUSSIA, A COUNTRY NOTTYPICALLY KNOWN FOR ITS

BOUNTIFUL FOOD, SEEMS TO HAVE NOSHORTAGE OF CREATIVE WAYS TO

WASTE IT.

HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TO RUSSIA?

>> NOPE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S LIKE ASKING ME IF IHAVE BEEN TO CUBA.

I DON'T GO WHERE COMMIESLIVE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, A WEB SITEAPPROPRIATELY CALLED SAD AND

USELESS DOT COM TURNED US ON THESAD AND USELESS RUSSIAN

FOOD ART.

I'M GOING TO DESCRIBE TWOPOSSIBLE EDIBLE ART PIECES AND

FOR 250, YOU TELL ME WHICH ONEYOU THINK ACTUALLY EXISTS.

OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, A TRADITIONALLYDRESSED OLD WOMAN MADE FROM

TROUT AND RICE OR A BUST OFJOSEPH STALIN MADE FROM

MEATBALLS.

PAUL F.

>> RUSSIA IS TRADITIONALLY AVERY BLEAK AND SAD PLACE.

IT'S GOT TO BE THE OLDWOMAN.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

PAUL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU KNOWRUSSIA VERY WELL.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS INFACT OLD WOMAN IN TROUT -- TROUT

AND RICE.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT): YOU WILLLIKE HAVING THESE FLOWERS.

HAVE A LICK OF MY CUPCAKE SHIRT.

>> IS IT FISH ON THE TOP ANDTHEN BIRTHDAY CAKE ON THE

BOTTOM?

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

YEAH, PAUL, A FISH CAKE,WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

NEXT ONE, DID SOMEONE MAKE ABEAUTIFULLY CARVED TOMATO

CAT OR MASTERFULLY MOLDEDMEATLOAF PUTIN.

STAR.

>> TOMATO CAT.

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISIN FACT A TOMATO CAT!

>> YAY.

>> DID YOU KNOW THATTOMATOES ARE A GOOD SOURCE

OF LYCOPIN?

LOOK AT THE BACK OF THEKETCHUP BOTTLE. THAT IS WHY I

HAVE JUST KETCHUP.

>> NOW, ARE YOU ONE OF THOSECONSERVATIVES LIKE RONALD REAGAN

WHO THINKS KETCHUP IS AVEGETABLE.

>> YEP.

IF ANY OF YOU READ THOSEMALCOLM GLADWELL HYPNOTIZING

BOOKS, HE SAYS KETCHUP ISPERFECTLY DESIGNED SO I

DON'T KNOW YU GOT A PROBLEMWITH IT, PAUL.

YOU WANT TO GO, PAUL?

>> YOU WANT TO GO RIGHT.

>> YOU WANT TO GO.

>> WE HAVE NEVER DONE THISBEFORE, BUT I AM READY.

>> LET'S GO.

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

>> COME ON.

COME ON.

COME ON.

COME ON.

OH, OH, OKAY.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> STOP IT.

>> CHRIS: HOT DOG, DON'T GETINVOLVED.

DON'T GET INVOLVED.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> I DON'T LIKE WHEN MOMMYAND DADDY FIGHT.

>> CHRIS: IS IT WORTH IF I DOTHIS? IS THIS WEIRD IF I DO THIS

WITH YOUR LITTLE ARMS? IS THISWEIRD, IS THIS WEIRD?

>> WAIT, WHAT?

NO, DON'T STOP.

>> CHRIS: I'M JUST GONNA GOBACK OVER HERE.

>> OKAY.

TONIGHT'S THE SPEED GAME IS PUPPET GOVERNMENT.

PUPPET GOVERMENT.

NOW WE REALIZE YOU GUYS AREDEFINITELY NOT PUPPETS.

BUT HOT DOG, SQUIRREL AND THEANIMITROIC GEPPETTO CALLING

HIMSELF PAUL, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO GIVE ME AS MANY EXAMPLES

OF PUPPET LEGISLATION AS YOUCAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

PAUL.

>> MOMENT LIFE BEGINSDETERMINED TO BE WHEN THE

EYES ARE GLUED ON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PERFECT.

STAR.

>> OBAMACARE.

>> NO, STAR, NO, IT'S--THAT'S--

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, FINE.POINTS.

HOT DOG.

>> EQUAL PAY FORMARIONETTES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> ROE V. WAKA WAKA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> CONSENT NEEDED BEFORE AFOOT CAN ENTER A SOCK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOT DOG.

HOT DOG.

>> OH, MY TURN?

>> CHRIS: YES.

>> PINNOCHIO WILL NOW HAVETHE RIGHT TO MARRY A REAL

BOY.