Key and Peele
Season 3

Cunnilingus Class

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 10/23/2013

Homies learn how to go down on a lady, and MVP Ozamataz Buckshank rocks a post-game interview.

[techno music]

- NOBODY LIKES YOU, YOU GIRL.

- WELL, YOU'RE A DIFFERENT COLORTHAN ME,

AND THAT'S BAD.

- OH, YEAH?WELL, YOU DRESS LIKE--

- NOW HOLD ON A SECOND!

both: WHOA!MR. T?

- NEVER MAKE FUNOF A WAY A MAN DRESSES.

THE WAY A MAN DRESSESIS HIS BUSINESS.

REMEMBER THAT.

WHETHER IT'S OVERALLS,CHAINS,

OR FEATHER EARRINGS,HOWEVER THEY DRESS,

IT'S NOT TO BE JOKED ABOUT.

I PITY THE FOOL THAT JUDGESANOTHER MAN'S CLOTHING.

- I'M SORRYI JUDGED YOUR CLOTHING.

- IT'S OKAY.

[upbeat music]

- HEY, SCOUT, THERE'S A MANOVER THERE

WHO SAID HE'LL GIVE US CANDYIF WE GET IN HIS VAN.

- OH, I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, TIMMY.

- WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

IS IT BECAUSE YOU HAVEA STUPID NAME LIKE SCOUT?

- HEY!both: WHOA! MR. T AGAIN.

- NEVER MAKE FUNOF A PERSON'S NAME.

YOUR MAMA GAVE YOUTHAT NAME,

OR YOU MADE IT UPFOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.

EITHER WAY, IT'S PERSONAL.

I PITY THE FOOL THAT MAKE FUNOF ANOTHER MAN'S NAME.

MR. T'S A COOL NAME.IT'S A COOL NAME, MR. T.

[upbeat music]

- HEY, SCOUT,WANT TO DO SOME DRUGS?

- AREN'T DRUGS BAD?

- I DON'T KNOW.

IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF DRUGS,

WE COULD DRINKA BUNCH OF ALCOHOL.

- YUM, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

- WELL, GUESS WHAT,YOUR HAIR IS STUPID.

- NEVER MAKE FUNOF ANOTHER PERSON'S HAIR!

both: HEY, MR. T.- A PERSON'S HAIR

IS THE ARTWORK THAT THEY PRESENTTO THE HEAVENS.

IT'S JUST LIKEI'VE BEEN SAYING...

[upbeat music]

all: ♪ HAIR

♪ IT ISN'T FAIR

♪ BEWARE

♪ PEOPLE CAREABOUT THEIR HAIR ♪

- ♪ "H" IS FOR THE HOMEWHERE I LAY MY HEAD ♪

♪ AND I CRYABOUT YOUR MEAN JOKES ♪

♪ IN MY BED

♪ "A" IS FOR ANXIETYTHAT FOOLS PROVOKE ♪

♪ WHEN THEY LOOKIN' AT MY HAIRAND THEY MAKIN' JOKES ♪

♪ "I" IS FOR I DON'T LIKETHE WAY I FEEL ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE JOKIN' THATMY HAIRCUT DOES NOT APPEAL ♪

♪ "R" IS FOR THE REAL MEAN JOKESYOU MAKE ♪

♪ AND THE HURTFULLITTLE POTSHOTS THAT YOU TAKE ♪

AND, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,IT'S NOT EVEN A HAIRCUT.

IT'S A RARE FORMOF MALE PATTERN BALDNESS.

YOU FOOLS!

[sobs]

[yells]

FOR REAL.

[upbeat music]

- WHAT UP, HOMIES?- WELCOME TO...

both: CUNNILINGUS CLASS.- I'M SHABOOTS MICHAELS.

- I'M T-RAY TOMBSTONE.

- AND WE'RE HERE TO TEACH Y'ALLHOW TO...

both:GO DOWN ON BITCHES RIGHT.

- NOW BITCHES AIN'T BEINGSATISFIED, SO CHECK IT.

- QUIT SUCKINGON THAT [bleep] SO DAMN HARD.

- BITCHES DON'T LIKETHAT NONSENSE.

- THAT'S LIKE PUTTING THE TIP

OF YOUR PENISIN THE VACUUM.

- Y'ALL NEED TO...both: CHILL ON THE [bleep].

- GO AROUND THAT BUSINESS.- THAT'S LIKE A BUTTON

MADE OF A MILLION PENIS TOPS.

- NOW EVERY BITCHLIKE HER CUNNILINGUS

A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.- VAGINAS ARE LIKE SNOWFLAKES.

- SNOWFLAKES IS DIFFERENT.LEARN YOUR BITCH'S SNOWFLAKE.

- ASK YOUR BITCHWHAT SHE WANTS.

both: THEN DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

- SOME BITCHES LIKE ITIN CIRCLES.

- SOME BITCHESLIKE IT UP AND DOWN.

- SOME BITCHES LIKE IT HARD.

- SOME BITCHES LIKE IT SOFT.

both: COMMUNICATEWITH YOUR BITCHES.

- MAKE THE ALPHABETWITH YOUR TONGUE.

- A-B-C-D...

- AND WHEN SHE GRAB YOUR HAIR

LIKE SHE GONNA PULLYOUR DAMN HEAD OFF...

both: STAY WITH THAT LETTER.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT B...[blathers]

- OR D...[blathers]

both: VAGINAS DESERVE RESPECT.

- YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONESLAPPING AROUND

YOUR LITTLE HOMEY.[yelping]

- YOU WITH THE HAT.- YO.

- HOW YOU LIKE YOUR BJs?

- DAMN, DOG,ALL THE TIME.

- SHUT THE [bleep] UP!

THAT'S 'CAUSE PENISES IS EASY,

AND VAGINAS IS HARD.

THEY'RE...both: CONFUSING!

- IMAGINE THERE'S AN EXPLOSIONAT THE ENVELOPE FACTORY.

- FLAPS EVERYWHERE.A WORLD OF FLAPS.

- AND YOU NEED TO LICK YOUR WAYOUT THE FACTORY.

- BUT EVERY BITCH'S FLAPSIS DIFFERENT.

- LEARN YOUR BITCH'SPARTICULAR FLAPS.

- FLAPS BE...both: CRAZY!

- EVERY FLAPNEED TO BE LISTENED TO.

- AND THEN YOU WILL GET OUTOF THAT FACTORY ALIVE.

- STAY DOWN THERE.

both: PLAN YOUR BREATHINGLIKE YOUR SWIMMING.

- YOU GOTTA BE TALKING ABOUT...both: STROKE, STROKE, BREATHE.

STROKE, STROKE, BREATHE.

[gasping]

- ALL RIGHT.LET'S TAKE A FIVE-MINUTE BREAK.

- AND WHEN WE COME BACK,WE GONNA TALK

ABOUT WARMING YOUR BITCHES UPBEFORE YOU GET BUSY.

- AND HOW TO LASTFOR MORE THAN TWO DAMN MINUTES.

- TAKE A PEACH AND PRACTICE.

- PRACTICE ON A PEACH.- TAKE A PEACH AND PRACTICE.

- PRACTICE ON A PEACH.- TAKE A PEACH AND PRACTICE.

- PRACTICE ON A PEACH.

- WELL, I THINKIT'S GONNA WORK.

- 30 DOWN,3 BILLION TO GO.

[maniacal laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU, SIR.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, HOW'S EVERYBODY--HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

[cheers]

ALL RIGHT,AND YOU GUYS

CAN ALL HEAR ME OKAY?all: YEAH.

- I KNOW THIS GUYCAN RIGHT HERE.

BOY, THIS GUY'S EARSARE SO BIG,

HE'S LAUGHING AT JOKESFROM THE YUK-YUK CLUB

ALL THE WAYON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU, SIR,YOU'RE DOING OKAY?

AND YOU'RE GETTING ENOUGHTO EAT?

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

[laughter]

THANK YOU, SIR.

FOLKS, I'M SORRY,

I'M GONNA GET EVERYBODY TONIGHT.

NOBODY IS SAFE.I'M GETTING EVERYBODY.

EXCEPT FOR YOU, SIR.I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE.

JUST LIKE YOUR DATE DID TONIGHT.HELLO!

HUH?ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?

WHO IS NEXT?

HEY, MA'AM, I GET IT,YOU HAVE BREASTS, OKAY?

JEEZ, I MEAN,LOOK AT THIS CHICK OVER HERE.

HER CLEAVAGE IS GIVINGTHE GRAND CANYON

AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

[laughter]

- [computerized voice]YOU SKIPPED ME.

- WHO'S TALKING RIGHT NOW?

- DO ME.

- YEAH, HEY, MAN.

LOOK AT THAT PINK SHIRTYOU GOT ON THERE.

WOW, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?QUEERTSHIRTS.COM?

- IT'S IN SUPPORTOF BREAST CANCER AWARENESS.

I AM GAY, THOUGH.

- OKAY.

- GO FOR IT.

I CAN TAKE IT.

- HMM?OH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, HEY, YEAH, DON'T YOU WORRYABOUT THAT, MAN.

GLOVES ARE COMING OFF.

OKAY.

RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE, WHAT'SWITH THE THREE DRINKS, MAN?

ALCOHOLIC MUCH?

- THISIS MY PAIN MEDICATION.

- OF [bleep] COURSE IT IS.

IT'S YOUR PAIN MEDICATION.

'CAUSE HE IS IN PAIN.

RIGHT NOW.

- MAKE FUN OF THE BURNS.

- MAKE FUN OF THE--WHAT DID YOU SAY?

BECAUSE HERE'S THE PROBLEM, SIR,IS IT'S REALLY DARK IN HERE,

AND, SORRY, ARE YOU BURNED?BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE IT OUT.

THANKS SO MUCH, MA'AM,FOR ILLUMINATING HIM.

THANK YOU.THAT'S--I APPRECIATE THAT.

OH, THOSE BURNS.- MAKE FUN OF THE ROBOT VOICE.

- SIR, I DON'T KNOW.

- COME ON,I CAN TAKE IT.

- OKAY, WELL, NO,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FEEL--- OR THE WHEELCHAIR.

- LOOK, SIR,THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY

ABOUT YOU BEINGIN A WHEELCHAIR,

AND WE CAN ALL--- OH, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING

FUNNY ABOUT ME BEING FAT?

- ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT, FINE.

FINE. I'VE GOT IT.I'VE GOT IT.

I'M DOING IT.I'M DOING IT.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GOAFTER THIS GUY

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HIMTO KILL ME IN MY DREAMS.

LIKE FREDDY KRUEGER.

[exclamations]

- COME ON.

- 'CAUSE--NO?

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE HOW FREDDYKRUEGER'S FACE IS BURNED OFF.

THAT'S NOT...

- [sobs]

- YOU ASS[bleep].- HE SAID HE COULD TAKE IT.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

- I THOUGHT I COULD,BUT I CAN'T.

- HOW IS THIS ON ME?

HOW DO WE EVEN KNOWIF HE'S CRYING RIGHT NOW?

[all booing]

I DON'T KNOW THAT SOUND.

IT JUST SOUNDSLIKE AN ELECTRONIC SOUND.

- THE TEARS,THEY BURN.

- HE SAID HE COULD TAKE IT.HE S--

[cheers and applause]

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