• Season 3, Ep 8
  • 06/23/2015

Amy feels awkward bringing up her boyfriend in conversation, learns the downside of being a princess and helps her therapist through a tough time.

(announcer)Amy was just a regularordinary girl

in the kingdom of Agribar.

♪ I am a rancidpeasant girl... ♪

(announcer)Until one day, her mostimpossible dreams came true.


Amy, I'm Willenby,your royal attaché.

It's timeyou knew the truth.

You're not a disgusting,filthy commoner at all.

You're a princess!

A princess?



(announcer)And now her life is goingto change.

I'm a real princess.

♪ I could get usedto this ♪

♪ I deserve this castle

And now it's timeto greet your prince.

My prince?

But of course, every princessmust marry a dashing prince.

Would you liketo meet him?

Fuck yeah, Willenby!

(announcer)Watch as Amy leavesher humdrum life behind

and learns the ways of royalty.

Presenting Her Royal Highness,Princess Amy!


(record scratching effect)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.It's that dude?

Most certainly.

Your marriage willlegalize the alliance

between our kingdoms.

Yeah, but like I thought,'cause I'm the princess,

I could, you know,like pick whoever I want.

(chuckles)Oh, heavens no.

We must maintain the purityof the royal bloodline.

Prince Gilligan here isactually your first cousin.

Yeah, but likethat doesn't seem cool.

Guess what, I'm not into youeither, bitch.

(announcer)Behold the enchanting romance.

Hey, thank youfor swinging by.

Turns out I'm not reallycomfortable

sleeping with a close relative.

And also,I just turned 14.

According to yourlunar cycle,

now is the optimal timeto conceive.

You're tracking my periods?Of course.

Incubating a prince isliterally your only role.

But won't the babybe all like...

Like jacked up?

As sure is my nameis Willenby.

But Willenby!


(announcer)Sure, not everything about beinga princess is a piece of cake.

Princess Amy,

for the crime of producingonly female offspring,

you are herebysentenced to death.

(crying)Stop the execution!

Oh, thank God!

I knew the prince wouldchange his mind.

No, he was assassinatedby his own guards.

But either way, you're free.

(laughing)Thank you!

(whispering)Thank you!

Apologies,Your Highness.

The commoners have revolted

and are demandingyour stupid head.

Kill her!Oh, come on!

I just wanted to be a princess!

...get eyelash extensions,

but then I did get those Uggsthat I've been eyeing.

Oh, okay.YOLO.

All right, yeah.I guess so.

Um, hey, I'm gonna go getanother drink from the bar.

You want anything?

Ooh, yeah, would you get mea Mexican Russian mojito bomb?

Babe, those takeforever to make.

Why don't you just geta glass of wine or something?

No, please, babe!

Okay, oh, yeah.Okay.

(kisses)All right.

A skinny-girl one.Okay.

Hey.Hi, how you doing?

Nice party, huh?Yeah.

Ooh, I like your shirt.

It's ironic.Right.

Right?That is ironic.

So how do you know Glen?

Oh, um, I don't know Glen.

He was my boyfriend'sroommate in college.

Okay, you don't haveto slip in that you havea boyfriend, okay?

I was just making casualconversation, all right?

You're just a four.Wow.

I wasn't even making...

Sorry.Excuse me.No, no, no, no.You're fine.

I haven't even had enoughdrinks to be stumbling.

Which is a sign I shouldprobably get another one.

Yeah, I hear you.(chuckles)

Can I get you something?

Oh, no, no, no.My boyfriend's grabbing me one.

Wow, you're arrogant.

I was just tryingto be nice.

You don't have to cram inthat you have a boyfriend.

No, I wasn't doing that.

I only sleepwith Asian girls.

Pretty arrogant.

For a three.

I'm a four.

Looks like you don't know toomany people here either, huh?

Oh, no, I just...



Where are you from?Long Island.

Ooh, Long Island,that's cool.


Can I get you a drink?

No, I-- I'm...

Yeah, that'd be great.Yeah?

What do you want?White wine.

Oh, I'll be right back.Thank you.

Here.Oh, wow.

That was easy.(chuckles) Yeah.

This poor schmuckover there is waiting

for this likeinsanely complicated drink

that you have to like harvesta field to make.

Oh, my God.(laughing)

What kind of a piece of shit

wants a really refreshingdrink like that?

(both laughing)

So what town are you from?

I'm from Ronkonkoma.You ever been to the Konk?

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

I'm so glad you wereat that party.Mmm.

How do you know Glen?

I can't remember.

I'm having an orgasmright now.


Okay, yeah, go!

(laughs)Oh, my God, yeah!


Boyfriend,I have a boyfriend.

Hey, Henry?!

And cup of cocoawith an extra marshmallow

for my best girl.

What's up?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

(cups clank)


Okay, I feel like I haveto tell you something.

Remember the nightyou met me at that party?

I was by myself.

I have, um--

Let me stop youright there.

Because you will never beby yourself again.

What?What are you doing?

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.(violin playing)



She said yep!She said yep!


I will.

Oh, you've made methe happiest man in Ronkonkoma.

(monitor beeping)

Henry, I have to tell yousomething.

I have a boyfriend.

Ever since we met,that party,

he was getting me a drinkand it took too long.

God, I just didn'twant to be arrogant

and slip in that I hada boyfriend.

I tried to tell youafter Bennett was born,

but by then, super weird.


Slow your roll,asshole.

I was never interestedin you anyway

'cause I'm gay, P.S.

What?!I just needed a beard

so I could keep my jobat Halliburton.


(flatlining beep)

(ringtone chiming)


(groans)Oh!There she is.

Baby, I missed youso much.


Sorry things gotso out of hand at that party.

They were out of Malibuso I got you some well rum.

Oh, I don't want this.

Oh, can I just havea mudslide instead?


Well rum?

I guess what I'm saying isthat I'm finally in a place

where I've accepted my bodyas being awesome.

And now I just kind ofcan't stop masturbating.

'Cause it's not a problem.Like I don't mind it.

I just thought thatthat would be something

that you would kinda likedig hearing about.

'Cause that's likea behavioral...

Are you okay?

I'm fine.Go on.

Okay, cool, 'causeI wanted to tell you

about this unbearable poem

that my mom postedon my Facebook wall.

Like where she knowseveryone will see it.


Did I say something?

No, it's just...

Actually,there is something wrong.

Probably wondering whyI canceled

on the lasttwo appointments with you.

No, I just assumedyou were having an abortion.

That's why I canceled.

Or why I'm dressedlike this right now?

I love your whole like sadStevie Nicks look.

I-- I really don't wantto violate the wholedoctor-patient,

"you don't tell me anythingand I just talk" thing.

Okay, so my mom'scooze of a poem--

this is how it starts--

"My sacred daughter,my reason for living..."

Amy, both my parents died.(snorting)

Oh, my God, are they okay?

No, they're dead.

Yeah, but you knowwhat I mean.

It's just like an expression.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go.

No, Amy, please don't,really.

Just-- I need to beback at work, I do.

I'm sorry.Please go ahead, Amy.

Are you sure?Yeah.

Maybe you need sometime to like process

or heal or other wordsyou tell me?

No, no, I'm--Narcissist?

When I have time alone,

I can't stop thinkingabout how they died.

So, please, you were, um,complaining about

your mother giving youunconditional love.

Go ahead.

Yeah, okay, so...

'Cause I do wantto talk about it.


So, my mom, I write to her,"What was up with that post?"

And then she writes,

"You mean the postabout how much I love you

and I'm living for you?"

They both died in a fire.Okay.

My parents died in a firethat they may have started.

I'm gonna get out of here.

No, please, please don't.This is your time.

I mean, you werealready 32 minutes late.

You have 13 minutes left,Amy, go ahead.


But you know that I hada really good excusefor being late.

Yes.It's like Time Warnerdoes not come

when they saythey're gonna come.

Okay.So everybody's hada hard day.

Okay, how about I won'ttalk about my parents?


Yeah.Money, I wanted to talkto you about money.


So, all of a sudden,I have too much of it.

And, uh, what else isgoing on?

I've been gettingrecognized out the ass.


But this is dumb.

No, it's not dumb.

Your feelings are validand it's your feelings.

(ringtone chiming)Please go--

Oh, I'm sorry.

I would normallynever answer this,

but both my parentsjust died.

They're dead.They're dead, I know.



Oh, thank you so much.

Yes, I think an evening burialwould be beautiful.

I'm gonna skip out.No.

My mother lovedthe sunset.


Oh, no, I didn't know.(sniffling)

Their dog died, too?Scrumfy?

Oh, God.

No, no, no,I'll be fine.

Thank you.

(sobbing)Oh, God.

What was that about?

(deep sigh)Oh, God!

Hey, are those ashes?

Yes, it's both of my parentsmixed together.

And apparently now we're gonnahave to add little Scrumfy, too.


You've got so muchon your plate right now.

No, no, please.I'm sorry.

I'm better.Now look it, see?

I'm okay.

So you were complainingabout being rich and popular.

No, rich-- just rich.I--

Is popular the same thingas being famous?

I don't--

I'm definitely gonna go.

Actually,that's a good idea.

I think I came backa little too soon.

Yeah, okay.Amy?

Cherish your mom and your dad.(fighting tears)

Yeah.Cherish your parents, Amy.

I will.(sobbing)And your dogs.


Oh, here.

(choked up)Thank you.



(snorting)Oh, God!

You know,it takes a village.

This too shall pass.

A river runs through it.

Shine on,you crazy diamond.

Every rose has its thorn.

Girl, it's gonna bea stank night, girl!

Yeah, I got that pad thing.

Klonopin's spelledwith a "C," right?


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