Tuesday, October 11, 2016

  • 10/11/2016

Bobby Lee, Al Jackson and Ron Funches weigh in on the future of Samsung, list #GuyFieriBooks and imagine the flashy perks found on Air Force One.

Samsung is officiallydiscontinuing

their Galaxy Note 7 smartphone

'cause they've been randomlybursting into flames,

like grandma falling asleepwith a cigarette in her mouth.

-(laughter)-Let it go. She's gone.

Combine a Samsung...combine a Samsung

with a hoverboardand discount vape pen,

and you've got a great ensemble

for that hip,tech-savvy millennial

-who loves being on fireall the time. -(laughter)

But there are some brilliant Grand Theft Auto modders

who have added the Galaxyto the game's weapon store.

-Take a look.-(laughter)

-♪ -(laughter)

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

HARDWICK:Ah.

Mwah. Mwah.

I mean, sure, you know,it looks dangerous,

but at leastit has a headphone jack!

No, I have not been madabout this for too long!

You haven't been madabout it long enough!

I mean, yeah,I have iPhone 7 Plus,

and the pictures are amazing,particularly in low light,

but I just want headphones,

which is why God put two holesin a phone!

It's headphone jack,not headphone and Steve!

-(laughter)-Comedians, uh, this looks...

-What just happened?Comedians... -(laughter)

This looks really badfor Samsung,

but they are the world'sbiggest smartphone maker.

So, can they come backfrom this scandal?

-Ron Funches. -Oh, yeah.They'll be just fine.

-(laughter) -Like,I don't know if you noticed,

but this entire yearhas been a Dumpster fire, so...

HARDWICK:Yeah, that's true.

-(laughter)-That's true. Yeah, points.

Uh, Al Jackson.

Dude, they got to spin it, man.Samsung's got to be like,

"Look, this only happensto our phone

if you like your own statuseson social media."

-Yeah, that's a great idea.-(laughter, applause)

-Points. Bobby Lee. -Of course,they're gonna survive.

They're Korean like I am,and we created "Gangnam Style."

-HARDWICK: All right, points.Points. -(applause and cheering)

Yup.

Now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

If your Barnes & Noblefelt especially sweaty today,

it's probably because GuyFieri's new book just came out.

Here it is. It's sureto climb the bestseller charts

if it doesn't get too winded.

So in honorof the latest literary foray

from our favoritebleached Koosh ball,

tonight's hashtag is#GuyFieriBooks.

Examples might be: The Sound and the Fieri,

and Fart of Darkness.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ron Funches. -Where the Buffalo Wild Wings Are.

Yes, points. Al Jackson.

-Fifty Shades of Gravy. -Points! Bobby Lee.

-Bridget Jones' Diarrhea. -Yes, points.

-(laughter)-Funches.

The Girl with the Dragon Roll Tattoo.

-Points.-(laughter)

Al Jackson.

-The Fault in Our Carbs. -Yes, points.

-Bobby Lee. -Eat Mice and Men.

Points. Ron Funches.

The Old Man and the Seafood Buffet.

-(laughter)-Points. Bobby Lee.

-Catcher in the Fries. -Points.

-Ron. -The Holy (bleep), That's a Tasty Bible.

On this day in 1910, the firstpresidential airplane flight

was taken by Theodore Roosevelt,

who might bea time traveling Ken Bone.

We're not sure.

Well, soon enougha new president

will be makingthis plane their own,

and in Trump's case,probably installing

so much gold furnitureit won't be able to fly.

But this thing is loadedwith special features,

like a situation room,executive suite,

and private quarters. Or,as former President Bill Clinton

used to call it,Bubba's sky brothel.

So, comedians...

(imitates Bill Clinton): No,it's good. All the furniture--

you can just hose it off.

Uh, so, comedians,

I want you to tell us as manyAir Force One perks as you can

in 60 seconds, and begin.Al Jackson.

Sully is always the captain.

All right, points.Ron Funches.

You get to boardSouthwest group A, baby.

All right, points.Bobby Lee.

There's ashtraysfor Malia's weed.

All right, points.Ron Funches.

Uh, Dick Cheney'sHBO GO password.

Yes, points.Al Jackson.

Your frequent flier numberis one.

Ah, points, yes.

-Bobby Lee. -The seats go backmore than an inch.

All right, points. Ron Funches.

Uh, you can murder a TSA agentif you feel like it.