Cool with It

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 04/28/2015

Amy goes to a strip club, appears in a self-affirming music video and supports her boyfriend's rap dreams.

Amy, you're my best friend.

We do everything together.

We love to havetea parties.

And dance parties.

(woman) Get ready for a day

of fun and glamour

when you're hanging out with Amy,

the official Amy Schumer doll.

Look, she's spicing upher coffee.

Glamorous.(alarm clock ringing)

1:00 P.M.! We're allowedto wake her up now.

She's waking up in astranger's bed again.

She's so popular.

(record skipping)Uh-oh.

No wrappers onthe floor.

Time for Plan B.

Amy comes complete with a variety of accessories,

including a purse for her essentials

that you can dump on the table.

What's in yourpurse, Amy?

Birth control, Lexapro,dusty candy corn,

and a business cardfrom a Tekserve employee

that gave her a vibe.

Amy also comes with a six-pack of cranberry juice

to help her UTI.

You'll feel bettersoon, Amy.

Dress her in three different outfits

that hide her problem areas:

a crop top...

This shows offher tramp stamp.

...skinny jeans to keep in the closet...

For someday.

...and one nice thing for court.

(gavel bangs)

(girls laughing)

It's okay, Amy,

you can fall asleepin your clothes again.

Don't forgetto sleep on your side.

(Amy retching)

It's Amy, the official Amy Schumer doll

from the makers of Fat Babs.

♪♪

♪ Girl, it ain't no liejust look deep into my eyes ♪

♪ You're perfect and I thinkyou should know ♪

♪ You should know

♪ That you don't needno lipstick ♪

♪ You don't need no blush

♪ 'Cause you've gotthat inner natural glow ♪

♪ Magazines say thatyou're whack ♪

♪ Girl, don't believe them

♪ Just leave thattabloid trash on the rack ♪

♪ Girl, don't you read them

♪ You're beautifuland who cares what they think ♪

♪ Now wash that loving face offin the sink ♪

♪ In the sink, girl

♪ Girl, you don'tneed makeup ♪

♪ You're perfectwhen you wake up ♪

♪ Just walk aroundlike that all day ♪

♪ Wipe that goop offof your face ♪

♪ I'll take youto a special place ♪

♪ It's something thatI've got to say ♪

♪ Wipe it off (whoo)wipe it off (yeah) ♪

♪ Wipe it off (let's go, girl)wipe it off ♪

♪ Ho-ho-ho-hold up, girlwe spoke too soon ♪

♪ With this wholeno makeup tune ♪

♪ We kinda changed our mindon the makeup thing ♪

♪ You'll be thehottest girl in the nation ♪

♪ With just a touchof foundation ♪

♪ Girl, I can't be seen withthe ghost from "The Ring" ♪

♪ I didn't know that your lasheswere so stubby and pale ♪

♪ Just a little mascaraand you'll look female ♪

♪ Please listen, girlwhat we're trying to say ♪

♪ Just get up an hour earlier

♪ And you can make yourselfmuch girlier (girlier) ♪

♪ Much girlier

♪ Girl, you don'tneed makeup ♪

♪ You're perfectwhen you wake up ♪

♪ Just don't go outsidelike that, okay ♪

♪ Just a little makeupsome natural looking makeup ♪

♪ What more do I have to say

♪ Just put it on

♪ Put it on I'm trying.

♪ Just put it onput it on (sing!)♪

♪ Na-na-na, na-na-nana-na-na-na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na-na-nathat's not enough, girl♪

More?♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-nana-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na!

Girl, I wannaget real with you.

I got a lot of regretsin my life.

I regret missingmy father's funeral

to audition for"The Voice."

I regret being highwhen my niece was born.

But most of all,I regret telling you

not to wear makeup.

That's on me.

But what's on you ishopefully more makeup.

See, it's like I tore upthe shag carpet

assuming there werehardwood floors underneath.

But it turn out to bejust dirty linoleum.

These are justmetaphors, girl.

But they are aboutyour face.

♪ Girl, you do need makeuplots and lots of makeup ♪

♪ Think of a clownand then work your way back ♪

♪ You are greatexcept your face, girl ♪

♪ So don't take offyour makeup ♪

♪ Wear it whenyou sleep and swim ♪

♪ We met someone elsewe're out ♪♪

(Amy narrating) Back in Pittsburgh, I worked murder police.

I was good at my job, but then a case took me to Miami.

Being plain made me invisible to the perfect.

And being invisible made me the perfect detective.

They call me Plain Jane, plain-clothes detective.

You wanted tosee me, Chief?

Um, I got a casefor you, Plain Jane.

You know my name'sAmy, right, Chief?

Plain Jane's just a nicknameI can't seem to shake.

Two bikini models werepoisoned last night.

Oh, no.There's a tainted shipment

of diet cocaineout there.

We've tracked it downto this supplier.

Santos Alvarez.

He's gonna be at a smoking-hotmodel party tonight

at Club Cuerpo Caliente.

Oh, Club Hot Body,I know it.

I'm thinking we canget you in undercover,

as a replacementbartender.

No need, Chief, hot peopledon't see me, like, at all.

(hitting desk)God damn it, Plain Jane.

If only inner beautymattered.

I wouldn't be half the copI am today, Chief.

♪♪

Maybe justa little rouge.

(dance music playing)

(Amy narrating) If this club were in Pittsburgh,

I would've been spotted a mile away.

But in the land of perfect tens,

threes just don't count.

What can Iget for you?

Oh-- I'll havea club soda and--

Skinny girl energy drink.

Oh, God damn it.

There's somethingwrong with this stool.

Uh-huh, old and busted.

(Amy narrating) That's when I spotted Santos.

♪♪

Here is my 100k.

Where's the diet cocaine?(crunching)

Hey, what's that noise?

Hey, is thisa setup, man?

No, of course not, tranquilo.

There's nobody herebut us, okay?

Nobody but us and thatmoldy compost bin.

♪♪

Okay.

Here's the coke.Try it.

Freeze!It's poison!

Do you guys hear, like,a fat wind howling?

Let me trythe God damn diet cocaine.

Slow up, bitch, I'll do it.Get off, I was first!

(man)Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Stop fightingand start snorting.

(screaming)

Oh, puta madre.

Okay, who brought inthe bag of wet leaves?

You're comingwith me, dirtbags.Hey!

Is that inflatable snowmanwearing a birthday hat a cop?

You have the rightto remain silent.

Anything you saycan and will--

(grunts, groans)

I think the snowmanis-- is leaking.

Just go see if you cansqueeze the air out of it.

(air leaking)

Freeze, "vendejo!"

All right,book 'em, boys.

Another case closed.

Plain Jane hasdisappeared again.

Chief, I'm right here.

Oh!

I thought thatyou were a...

jumbo sleeveof cookie dough.

You're not evenhotter than me, Chief,

we're in thesame league.

Yeah, but, uh...I believe in myself.

(chuckles)

♪♪