Monday, November 3, 2014

  • 11/03/2014

Nikki Glaser, John Mulaney and Judah Friedlander guess which bodega cat got the most votes on Tumblr, list #LesserNYLandmarks and come up with outlandish campaign promises.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

>> NOW, WE HAVE SOME AMAZINGGUESTS AND SURPRISES ALL WEEK,

TO CELEBRATE OUR TRIP TO THE BIGAPPLE AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE

TO REPLACE THE SEATS OF ALL THEWOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE AFTER THIS

FIRST ONE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON HAMM!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, HE GETS IT!

>> BALLER ALERT.

>> Chris: YEP. YEP.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR HAVING ME, CHRIS.

I HEARD YOU WERE IN TOWN, I HADTO COME ON.

I AM SO EXCITED BECAUSE I AMSUCH A HUGE FAN OF THE SHOW, OF

ALL YOU GUYS 0 AND OF ALL THINGSINTERNET.

AND YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE THEINTERNET.

>> Chris: PORN?

>> NOT JUST GAY PORN, CHRIS.

>> Chris: I DIDN'T SAY EVERYgAY PORN, I JUST SAID PORN.

I AM DRAWING A BLANK IF THEREIS ANYTHING ELSE.

>> CATS, CHRIS, CATS!

>> Chris: OKAY, YEAH. CATS.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GREAT.

NOW, DOGS MAY BE MAN'S BESTFRIEND BUT CATS ARE CLEARLY

MAN'S BEST SNUGGLE BUDDY.

>> Chris: OH, OKAY.

SO GAY PORN.

BUT WHEN YOU TRY TO SNUGLINGA CAT DON'T YOU JUST END UP

LOOKING LIKE WOLVERINE ATTACKEDYOU?

>> THAT'S THE FUN OF IT.

I MEAN, THE INTERNET OFFERS SOMANY VARIETY OF CATS.

THERE IS GRUMPY CAT.

THERE IS ANGRY CAT, THERE ISCATS WITH TOP HATS.

AND THERE ARE CATS WITH CANESAND CATS WITH 401-KS.

>> Chris: WHY WOULD THERE BECATS WITH RETIREMENT FUNDS?

>> CHRIS, THEY HAVE NINE LIVES.

>> Chris: OH, RIGHT. YEAH.

I AM SORRY.

>> THAT'S A LOT OF RETIREMENTS.

>> Chris: YEAH, NO. YOU'RERIGHT.

I'M SORRY. I'M STUPID.

I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT THATWAY.

HE IS RIGHT.

HE IS RIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU GUYS GET IT.

FORTUNATELY PLOTS OF CATS AREHARD WORKERS LIKE THE CATS THAT

HANG OUT IN SOME OF NEW YORK'SFINEST BODEGAS.

THEY WATCH OVER AISLES OFEXPIRED MAYONNAISE, GUATEMALAN

TOOTHPASTE AND OFF BRAND SPANISHFLY.

AND THEY ARE FEATURED ON THEFANTASTIC BODEGA CATS TUMBLR.

SO COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESEPICTURES ON THE BODEGA CATS

TUMBLR GOT THE MOST VOTES.

>> A, THIS LITTLE KITKAT.

>> Chris: OH, GOO, GA, GA.>> HE'S A PIECE OF CANDY!

>> Chris: I WILL SPIT IT UP FORHALLOWEEN.

>> SPIT IT OUT?

>> SO HE CAN EAT IT AGAIN.

>> OH, OKAY.

B, THIS CAT BOMBED OUT ON THEBEER DELIVERY.

OR C THIS CAT THAT LOOKS ALOT LIKE DON DRAPER DID MOST OF

LAST SEASON.

>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> I AM GOING WITH C, JON,BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TALK TO

YOU.

>> OKAY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, IN FACT,C.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AND NIKKI DID GET TO

TALK TO JON HAMM.

>> OKAY, NOW COMEDIANS.

FOR BONUS POINTS GIVE ME A TWEETFROM THIS HUNG OVER BODEGA CAT.

>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> GOT SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT ITOOK SOME RANDOM CHILDLESS WOMAN

HOME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JOHN MULANEY.

>> HELP I AM ON THE TOP SHELF,GET THAT LONG BODEGA STICK WITH

THE HORSESHOE ON THE END OF IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH FRIEDLANDER.

>> OF ALL THE DAYS TO GETHUNGOVER, I GOT TO RIP-UP THREE

COUCHES BY NOON AND (BLEEP) ONTHE PILLOW.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

EXCELLENT!

A HUGE HAND FOR JON HAMM,EVERYONE.

BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY, IWOULD LIKE TO SINCERELY THANK

YOU FROM TAKING A BREAK FROMYOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO COME PLAY

WITH US.

>> CHRIS, I ALWAYS BRAKE FORCATS.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

#LESSERNYLANDMARKS

#LESSERNYLANDMARKS.

>> EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BEKEYBOARD KATZ'S DELI OR STATEN

ISLAND FERRET, OR MADISON SQUAREOLIVE GARDEN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES.

JOHN.

>> NEAPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART,CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA ARE ONLY

ON DISPLAY THIS WEEK, BUTSTRAWBERRY'S THERE ALL YEAR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

VERY COMPLEX, I ENJOYED. NIKKI.

>> THAT ONE PLACE WHERE MEG RYANFAKED AN ORGASM.

JOHN MELCONCAMP'S APARTMENT.

>> Chris: POINTS. YES. POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> PERRY ELLIS ISLAND.

>> Chris: POINTS. YES. NIKKI.

THE M60 BUS MY ROOMMATE WASFINGERED ON.

>> POINTS.

>> Chris: JOHN.

>> THE LAST LIVING RAMON.

WAIT, WHAT? -- OH, NEVER MIND.

>> Chris: OKAY. POINTS.

OH!

THE CROWD CAME AROUND.

JUDAH.

>> ASSAULT AND BATTERY PARK.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JOHN.

>> THE "I JUST MET DAVID BYRNEAND IT WAS UNDERWHELMING"

MEMORIAL PLAZA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> PODCAST CITY HALL.

>> Chris: YES, FINALLY.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY FAKIN' IT! FAKIN' IT.

SO THIS IS HERE'S HOW THIS GAMEWORKS.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU APICTURE OF A TIMES SQUARE MASCOT

WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEENAROUND A NEW YORK CITY A FEW

TOO MANY TIMES AND FOR 250POINTS I WANT YOU GIVE ME THEIR

CATCHPHRASE.

VERY EASY, FIRST ONE: THISHANDSY COOKIE MONSTER.

ALL UP IN THERE.

NIKKI.

MY FAVORITE COOKIES ARE LADYFINGERS.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

JOHN.

>> I AM GOING TO PUT MY HANDWHERE JIM HENSON PUT HIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> C IS FOR COOKIE, DO YOU WANTTO LEARN ANY OTHER C WORDS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, WOODY RELIEVINGHIMSELF.

JUST SHOOTING OUT SPLINTERS UPAGAINST THE WALL THERE.

JOHN.

>> THESE SUCKERS DON'T KNOW ITIS ACTUALLY TOM HANKS IN HERE.

>> Chris: THAT IS AMAZING.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> YOU THINK THIS HEAD IS BIG,CHECK OUT THIS ONE.

>> Chris: YEAH.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT. NEXT ONE.

SEXUAL PREDATOR BATMAN.

NIKKI.

>> TYLER PERRY'S THE DARKERKNIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY OF MYPARENT'S DEATH!

>> Chris: RIGHT HERE. ON THISSPOT!

POINTS.

NOW I AM VERY EXCITED TO PRESENTTO YOU OUR NEXT GAME, IRON

SHEIK, WHEEL OF JABRONI.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITEGAMES --

WITH A VERY SPECIAL TWIST THISTIME.

IF GUYS ARE UNFAMILIAR, THE IRONSHEIK WAS A '80S WRESTLING

SUPERSTAR WHO IS NOW LEGENDARYON TWITTER.

THE SHEIK WAS IN NEW YORK THISWEEKEND TO GET ROASTED, SO WE

SENT OUR FRIEND JESSE JOYCE TOCAROLINE'S TO GET IN ON THE

ACTION.

I AM GOING TO NAME A TOPIC FOR250 POINTS YOU TELL ME IF IRON

SHEIK LIKES IT BY SAYING THEREAL OR HE HATES IT, THE JABRONI

AND THEN I WILL SHOW YOU HOW THEIRON SHEIK ACTUALLY RESPONDED TO

EACH OF THESE TOPICS.

THE FIRST ONE, KIM JONG UN, HOWDO YOU FEEL ABOUT KIM JONG UN.

NIKKI.

>> I HOPE IT'S JABRONI.

>> Chris: YOU NEVER KNOW. LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, ANOTHER BIG (BLEEP)JABRONI -- AND (BLEEP), AND I

WILL KICK THE (BLEEP) OUT OF YOUAND EVEN GIVE YOU BY ABOLO.

>> INTERNATIONAL POLITICS, THEIRON SHEIK.

>> Chris: OKAY, NOW, I THINK ATTHE END THERE -- IT SOUNDS

LIKE A DREAM I HAD ONCE, BUT IFEEL LIKE THE IRON SHEIK JUST

THREATENED TO GIVE EBOLA TO JIMCONGRESS UN, KIM JONG-UN.

I AM NOT SURE HOW HE WILL DOTHAT.

>> CHRIS

>> Chris: YES, JUDAH.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT EBOLA. ITHINK EBOLA'S PUBLICISTS ARE

DOING A BANGUP JOB.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE. AN OLDFAVORITE. AS WE'VE SEEN IN THE

PAST, THE IRON SHEIK TWEETSABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.

PAULA DEEN, WHAT DOES THE SHEIKREALLY THINK ABOUT PAULA DEEN?

JOHN.

>> BEING TOTALLY NEW TO THIS,NEW TO THIS MAN AND HIS PHRASES

-- JABRONI.

JABRONI.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> PAULA DEEN, I KNOW YOU FROMSOUTH GEORGIA, SAVANNAH.

WHATEVER YOUR (BLEEP) -- I KNOWYOU HAVE CHEESEBURGER --

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? -- KIDS?

>> YES, CHEESEBURGER TITS.>> EXACTLY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK BEING CALLED ACHEESEBURGER TITS IS A

COMPLIMENT TO ANYONE'S LIEXICON.>> DEPENDS HOW HUNGRY YOU ARE.

>> Chris: I GUESS IT DOES. YES,JOHN, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

>> DOES THIS MAN HAVECITIZENSHIP? BECAUSE HE SHOULD.

>> Chris: LAST ONE. I'M VERYEXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE.

HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT ME, CHRISHARDWICK?

LET'S FIND OUT, YES, JOHN.

>> I AM GUESSING BECAUSE YOUBROUGHT THIS MAN BACK INTO

RELEVANCE AFTER MANY YEARS AWAYTHAT HE IS GOING TO CALL YOU THE

REAL.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU CAN GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF,AND HAVE A GOOD DAY.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME, POLLS POSITION, POLLS POSITION.

THOSE CRAZY MIDTERM ELECTIONSARE TOMORROW AND EVERYWHERE FROM

LOCAL TELEVISION TO YOUR IN-BOXIS FILLED WITH CANDIDATES MAKING

PROMISES THEY WILL NEVER KEEP.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GET INTO THESPIRIT AND COME UP WITH TERRIBLE

CAMPAIGN PROMISES.

I 'M GONN PUT --

I JUST HIT THAT GUY'S COMEDYCLIT.

THAT WAS CRAZIEST --

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I LOVE YOU, MAN.

60-SECONDS AND GO.

JUDAH.

>> INVADE DELAWARE, IT IS OURFIRST STATE. WE HAVE YET TO BE

IMPRESSED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JOHN.

>> LET'S TRY VIETNAM AGAIN.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JUDAH.

>> EVERY CHILD GETS A GUN.

NO GUN LEFT POINT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> NO BREAST-FEEDING IN PRIVATE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> OUTLAW STOP AND FRIST, THENSTART STOP AND FIST.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JOHN.

>> VOTE NO ON PROP 12. THAT ISCARROT TOP'S 12TH PROP.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.