Extended - Thursday, November 6, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 11/06/2014

Jim Norton, Kurt Metzger and Jesse Joyce learn about the Grumpy Cat movie, summarize #NYCIn3Words and advertise strange Airbnb spots in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELL, THANKSGIVING ISN'T EVEN

HERE YET, BUT GRUMPY CAT'S ALLREADY FOR CHRISTMAS.

(SIGHS)(LAUGHTER)

UH... HOW READY, YOU MIGHT BEASKING YOURSELF?

READY ENOUGH TO HAVE A TRAILERFOR THE NEW LIFETIME MOVIE THAT

WE'RE ALL VERY EXCITED ABOUT.

YES, YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY, ANDIT ALREADY HAS TWO POINT TWO

MILLION VIEWS, IN LESS THAN AWEEK, ON THE TRAILER.

LET'S, UH, ROLL IT, AND THENPREPARE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT

OURSELVES.

(LAUGHTER)>> THIS CHRISTMAS...

>> YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.

>> WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OFBLONDE WITCH?

>> ALL PETS... ARE OFF.

>> IT'S GONNA BE THE BESTCHRISTMAS EVER.

>> GO AHEAD, IGNORE THE TITLE OFMY MOVIE.

>> GRUMPY CAT'S WORST CHRISTMASEVER.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> OH, YEAH?

>> HARDWICK: FUCK YOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.

FUCKING FUCK YOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)CAN WE PLEASE GET OVER THE

GRUMPY CAT PHENOMENON?

THIS POOR CAT WHOSE MOUTHHAPPENS TO BE TILTED DOWNWARD,

PROBABLY BECAUSE OF A SERIES OFCAT STROKES, IS NOT GRUMPY!

NOR DOES IT NEED TO BE VOICED INA FILM!

AND THAT'S NOT THE VOICE OFGRUMPY CAT.

NORTON, YOU HAVE A GREAT GRUMPYCAT VOICE.

YOU SHOULD BE THE VOICE OFGRUMPY CAT.

>> OH, I WOULD PROBABLY JUSTSAY, "I'M GRUMPY."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALREADY BETTER!

ALREADY BETTER!

IT MAY VERY WELL BE THE FIRSTTIME THAT A MOVIE IS BASED

SOLELY ON A MEME, BUT I THINK WESHOULD SEIZE THIS TREND AND GET

SOME MORE MOVIE IN THE HOPPER.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE MEANOTHER TITLE BASED ON AN

INTERNET SENSATION.

JIM NORTON.

>> TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP, ELECTRICBOOGALOO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

>> YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)KURT.

>> UH, BIG CAKE FARTS IN LITTLECHINA.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> UH, TONY DANZA DEATH HOAXSAVES CHRISTMAS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

GOOD JOB. GOOD JOB.

IT'S GONNA BE A MEME-TASTICCHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

MOVING ON, A FLORIDA MAN IS INTHE NEWS, AND SHOCKINGLY, IT'S

NOT FOR MURDER. UM...

(LAUGHTER)FUTURE CADAVER BILL LEWIS

TWEETED THAT HE BROKE THESTARBUCKS RECORD BY ORDERING A

101-SHOT LATTE.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)YOU GO, YOU DELIGHTFUL SON OF A

BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD

EXPECT HIM TO TWEET AFTERDRINKING A 101-SHOT LATTE, JIM

NORTON?

>> UH, @WEBMD, IS IT BAD IFI'M SHOOTING BLOOD OUT OF MY

ASSHOLE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

KURT.

>> UH, HEY, THE BARISTA GOT MYNAME WRONG-- IT'S BILL, NOT FAT

SHIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(KURT SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)>> COME ON.

>> HARDWICK: DO YOU SEE, HE'SGOT... IT SAYS, UH, 99 SHOTS--

BUT A BITCH ATE ONE. UH...

(LAUGHTER)17 PUMPS VANILLA SYRUP, MOCHA,

BREVE, ADD MATCHA POWDER.

>> WHAT IS MATCHA POWDER?

>> HARDWICK: I THINK IT GIVESYOU, UH, BONERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT'S ALWAYS, UH, IT'S ALWAYS

NICE TO HAVE A POUNDING ERECTIONWHILE YOU'RE SHITTING.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY... JIMWASN'T BEING SARCASTIC, HE WAS

SAYING THAT EARNESTLY.

A HUNDRED POINTS TO JIM NORTON.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)SO... A HUGE PERK OF DOING THE

SHOW IN NEW YORK IS ALL THEICONIC NEW YORK CELEBRITIES WHO

WANT TO DROP BY THE SHOT, LIKE,OH, I DON'T KNOW, UH... STEPHEN

COLBERT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEPHENCOLBERT!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)I SAID, UH...

STEPHEN COLBERT!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

>> UH, BUDDY, I APOLOGIZE.

I AM JUST WAY TOO SWAMPED THISWEEK TO GET OUT TO L.A.

HAVE A GREAT SHOW, THOUGH.

>> HARDWICK: NO, ACTUALLY,STEPHEN, WE'RE IN NEW YORK.

WE'VE BEEN IN NEW YORK ALL WEEK.

WE'RE NOT IN L.A.

>> RIGHT. YEAH, SURE.

WELL, REGARDLESS OF THE WHERE,THE FACT IS, I DON'T HAVE A SHOW

TOMORROW AND I HAVE TO GET READYFOR THAT.

>> HARDWICK: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

'CAUSE YOU'RE LITERALLY, LIKE,RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

YOU COULDN'T JUST POP IN?

>> MEETINGS, CHRIS.

FULL DAY OF MEETINGS.

I WISH I COULD GET OUT OF IT,BUT I BELIEVE IT WAS SHAKESPEARE

WHO WROTE, "WHEN IN DISGRACEWITH FORTUNE AND MEN'S EYES, I

ALL ALONE BEWEEP MY OUTCASTSTATE AND TROUBLE DEAF HEAVEN

WITH MY BOOTLESS CRIES, AND LOOKUPON MYSELF AND CURSE MY...

FATE...

(WHOOPING, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)...WISHING ME..."

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)>> HARDWICK: HEY.

>> HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> HARDWICK: NICE TO SEE YOU.

GOOD MEETING.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)>> HEY...

ABSOLUTELY. CHRIS HARDWICK,EVERYBODY, CHRIS HARDWICK.

HEY, CHRIS HOW ARE...

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THANK YOU,YEAH, YOU'RE BUSY, I GET IT...

>> YEAH, I AM. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: COULD YOU PLEASEJUST INTRODUCE TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

WARS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD?

>> AW, CHRIS, I WOULD LOVE TO,BUT I'M SUPER CRUNCHED FOR TIME

HERE.

>> HARDWICK: UH... I WILL GIVEYOU 60-- ONE, 20-- $60.

>> IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

♪ (CHEERING, WHISTLING, APPLAUSE)

>> IN HONOR OF MYCLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND CHRIS

HARDWICK'S VISIT TO NEW YORK,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS...

HASHTAG NYCIN3WORDS.

EXAMPLES ARE... THE BIG APPLE,THIN CRUST PIZZA, AND...

COLBERT'S TOWN, BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU, STEPHENCOLBERT, FOR BEING SO GENEROUS

WITH YOUR TIME.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, 60

SECONDS, AND GO!

JESSE JOYCE.

>> NO, FUCK YOU!

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHOA!

WOW.

JIM NORTON.

>> EBOLA DOCTOR BOWLING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE JOYCE.

>> IT'S ME!

>> JUMP, YOU PUSSY!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT.

>> NO HOT WATER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM.

>> GAY BATHHOUSE OVERPRICED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT.

>> DOMINICANS ALLOWED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I LIVE IN WASHINGTON HEIGHTS.

>> HARDWICK: JIM.

>> BIKE LANES ABOMINATION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT METZGER.

>> BEATEN BY ELMO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE JOYCE.

>> ONLY IN NEW...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT METZGER.

>> EAT PRAY MURDER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT METZGER.

>> DON'T DEFEND BROOKLYN!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)JESSE.

>> EVERY PUERTO RICAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. EXCELLENT!

IT IS TIME TO PLAY SCARE BNB--NEW YORK EDITION.

WE HAVE TO PLAY THIS HERE, YOUGUYS.

HOTELS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE IN NEWYORK.

JUST ASK OUR WRITERS, WHO AREBEING FORCED TO STAY IN A JUNKIE

SQUAT. SO...

(LAUGHTER)FORTUNATELY, THERE'S AIRBNB, A

SERVICE CONNECTING PEOPLE WHOARE WAY TOO COMFORTABLE WITH

STRANGERS TRYING TO COMPLETETHEIR SKIN SUITS, SO...

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A

PICTURE FROM AN AIRBNB LISTINGIN NEW YORK, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A TAG LINETO ADVERTISE IT.

FIRST ONE-- THIS HEALING LOFTSPACE.

KURT.

>> LUXURIATE IN OUR SPACIOUSMASTERBATORIUM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I'D GO THERE. I'D STAY THERE.

>> HARDWICK: JIM.

>> WE'LL PROVIDE THE CANDLES ANDAIRLINE PILLOWS-- ALL YOU NEED

TO BRING IS YOUR OWN SMALL CHILDTO SACRIFICE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEP.

JESSE.

>> UH, STAY INCLUDES CLEANLINENS AND POISON KOOL-AID.

P.S.-- OUR LEADER CARL WILL FUCKYOUR WIFE AND HATES THE FBI.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NEXT ONE-- THIS AIRY ROOM WITH A

WALL OF MURDER TOOLS!

(AUDIENCE OOH-ING)YES, KURT?

>> THE FURNITURE IS LOUD, BUTTHE LAMBS ARE SILENT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: EXCELLENT! MM.

>> COME IN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> HEY, HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TOGET TETANUS IN A GENIE LAMP?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AND FOR MY THIRD WISH, I'D LIKETO NOT HAVE TETANUS ANYMORE.

NEXT ONE.

CRASH ON THIS COUCH ADJACENT TOA DOG ON A SEX SWING.

(BELL DINGS)WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA FUCK ME IN

THIS CHAIR, OR WHAT?

JESSE?

>> UH, LOOKING FOR A GUEST WHOISN'T BUMMED OUT BY MY

QUADRIPLEGIC DOG, HAWKING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOD.

OH...

POINTS.

JIM.

>> VOTED BEST CHAIR TO WATCH A"7TH HEAVEN" MARATHON IN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS DISTINCT DROWNINGPOSSIBILITY.

(BELL DINGS)YES, JESSE?

>> HEY, WANT TO DISPOSE OF SOMEGARBAGE BAGS FULL OF YOUR WIFE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

KURT.

>> LIVE LIKE A PRIVATE EYE OR ADIVORCED DAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

LAST ONE.

THIS RV, THIS, UH, SORT OF ARECREATIONAL VEHICLE.

(BELL DINGS)KURT.

>> THIS TRUCK SELLS FISH TACOS,NOT THE FOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM.

>> FOR FOUR FRIENDS WHO WANT TODRIVE AROUND SOLVING MYSTERIES

WITH THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERSAND PHYLLIS DILLER'S CORPSE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

RUH-ROH.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,EVENT OR INVENTED: NEW YORK

EDITION.

ALSO AN EDITION IN NEW YORK.

I'M GONNA READ YOU A PAIR OFEVENTS AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS ANACTUAL EVENT FROM EVENTBRITE,

UH, THAT PEOPLE IN NEW YORK WILLATTEND AND THEN MAKE FUN OF HOW

WE'RE SO WEIRD IN LOS ANGELES.

FIRST ONE.

BREASTFEEDING NIGHT WITH THE NEWYORK YANKEES AND THE BRONX

BREASTFEEDING COALITION OR...

(BELL DINGS)...INFERTILITY NIGHT WITH THE

NEW YORK ISLANDERS AND THE LONGISLAND IVF ASSOCIATION?

YES, JESSE.

>> UH, I'M GONNA GO WITH, UH,BREASTFEEDING NIGHT WITH THE NEW

YORK YANKEES BECAUSE EVEN THEGUY FANS HAVE BREASTS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

LET'S FIND OUT.

BREASTFEEDING NIGHT!

>> WAIT, W...

HOLD ON, CHRIS.

I HAVE A QUESTION.

>> HARDWICK: YES?

>> DO YOU BREASTFEED THEYANKEES?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

YEAH, IF THEY... IF THEY MAKE AREALLY GOOD PLAY, THEN YOU JUST

CRADLE 'EM.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: I REALLY ENJOYEDTHIS PART OF IT AS I'M READING

IT: "WE'RE INVITINGBREASTFEEDING MOMS AND THEIR

BABIES AND BREASTFEEDINGPROFESSIONALS."

>> OOH.

THAT'S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WITHMOUTHS.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO JIMNORTON.

NEXT ONE.

EXCLUSIVE DWARF FASHION SHOW ORLOWERCASE S AND LOWERCASE M:

NAVIGATING THE WORLD OF BONDAGEAND DOMINATION FOR LITTLE

PEOPLE.

(BELL DINGS)REMEMBER, ONE OF THESE IS REAL.

JIM.

>> THE REAL ONE IS LOWERCASE SAND LOWERCASE M BECAUSE I AM A

GOD IN THAT SCENE.

>> HARDWICK: I HOPE YOU'RERIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT.

EXCLUSIVE DWARF FASHION SHOW.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, THEY ALL LOOKLIKE THEY COULD FUCK EACH OTHER

UP REAL GOOD.

>> FROM A DISTANCE IT JUST LOOKSLIKE CHILDREN.

>> YEAH, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOUPULL THE VAN UP-- HOW

DISAPPOINTING.

>> HARDWICK: ANOTHER 100 POINTSTO JIM NORTON.

NEXT ONE.

BOY MEETS WORLD BANG BUS ORFREAKY FRIDAY FUCK FEST?

(BELL DINGS)JESSE.

>> UH, FREAKY FRIDAY FUCK FEST.

I-I'M ASSUMING THAT MEANS FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> I DON'T... I DON'T KNOWENTIRELY, THOUGH.

>> HARDWICK: I HOPE SO, FORALLITERATION'S SAKE.

>> IT'S A FRACKING EVENT.

>> NO.

IT'S ACTUALLY...

>> IT'S A FRACK FEST.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY FREAKY FRIDAYFALK FEST WHERE YOU WATCH

COLOMBO.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

I WOULD WATCH THAT.

I WOULD WATCH THAT.

UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

THE REAL ANSWER IS...

UH, FREAKY FRIDAY FUCK FEST.

LAST ONE.

BOOZING AND BICYCLING: ACOMBINATION BICYCLE RACE AND PUB

CRAWL IN WILLIAMSBURG OR WOMEN,WELDING AND WINE!

(BELL DINGS)KURT.

>> I GOT TO SAY WOMEN, WELDINGAND WINE! SOUNDS A LOT LIKE A

PARK SLOPE THING, IF YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> IF YOU'RE FROM HERE, YOU GETIT.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS...

WOMEN, WELDING, AND WINE!

>> WOW, I CALLED IT.

HOLY SMOKE.

>> HARDWICK: WE WERE SO BLOWNAWAY THIS IS THE REAL THING WE

SENT OUR GOOD FRIEND COMEDIANMICHELLE BUTEAU TO SEE WHAT IT

WAS ABOUT AND HOPEFULLY NOT GETKILLED BY A DRUNKEN WELDER.

>> HOLY SHIT!

WOW.

THIS IS WINE, WOMEN AND WELDING,AND I HAVE A COUPLE OF IDEAS

THAT I'D LIKE TO WORK ON.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN MAKE ASTEEL VIBRATOR.

>> UM, WELL... (CLEARS THROAT)>> IT'LL BE A GREAT STOCKING

STUFFER-- CATCH MY DRIFT?

>> UH...

>> THE STOCKING'S A VAGINA.

>> WHEN DO WE SCISSOR-- BEFOREOR AFTER THE WINE OR THE

WELDING?

>> (CLEARS THROAT) SCISSOR?

>> WHAT ARE WE DOING?

GOD, I FEEL LIKE A RICH WHITEPERSON WITH, JUST, TIME ON MY

HANDS.

WE'RE DOING IT!

THIS IS GOOD OUT OF THE BOTTLE,TOO.

WELL, I DIDN'T GET TO MAKE ASTEEL VIBRATOR FOR MY

EXTRA-LARGE VAGINA, BUT I MADETHIS, AND, YOU KNOW, I'M A

LITTLE TIPSY AND I HAVE SEVENNEW FACEBOOK FRIENDS IN STATEN

ISLAND!

>> WHOA.

BLOODY TORSO RAMPAGE.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)THE NEW YORK POST IS ONE OF THE

MOST WIDELY CIRCULATED PAPERS INAMERICA, BUT IT'S THE

JOURNALISTIC EQUIVALENT OFJERKING OFF WITH A TASER, UM,

IT'S SHOCKING AND SENSATIONALBUT NOT VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT

AND ALMOST ALWAYS INVOLVES THECOPS AND THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

SO... THE POST REALLY PRIDESITSELF ON THEIR RIDICULOUS

HEADLINES LIKE, "OBAMA BEATSWEINER" AND... "HEADLESS BODY IN

TOPLESS BAR"!

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE SACRIFICEWHATEVER JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY

YOU MAY HAVE AND COME UP WITH ASMANY NEW YORK POST HEADLINES AS

YOU CAN.

60 SECONDS. AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)JI... UH, JESSE.

>> UH, HOOKER KILLS JIM NORTONFOR A CHANGE.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)(BELL DINGS)

JESSE JOYCE AGAIN.

>> UH, FECAL HELICOPTER MISHAP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JIM.

>> COMMANDER-IN-QUEEF.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)KURT.

>> WHAT DOES DONALD TRUMP'S DICKSMELL LIKE?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(BELL DINGS)JIM.

>> YOU TARZAN, ME AIDS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(GASPING)JESSE.

>> UH, HOMOEROTIC CIRCUSNIGHTMARE.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

NO POINTS FROM THE CROWD.

NO POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JIM.

>> IN GOD WE THRUST: VATICAN SEXSCANDAL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)KURT.

>> OBA... OBAMA MAY OR MAY NOTHAVE FUCKED A GOAT BASED ON NO

EVIDENCE AT ALL.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JESSE.

>> UH, MALL SANTA ERECTIONCONTROVERSY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JIM.

>> BEAUTY AND THE BESTIALITY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.