Monday, July 20, 2015

  • 07/20/2015

Another Period's Riki Lindhome, Jason Ritter and Michael Ian Black write shark propaganda, pitch #HistoricalRealityShows and tweet from an early 20th century perspective

[APPLAUSE]RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.WE HAD A COUPLE WEEKS OFF BUTTHE

FIRST WEEK OFF WAS NOT REALLY AWEEK OFF FOR ME.

WENT DOWN TO COMIC-CON WHICH WASAMAZING THIS YEAR.

I WAS THERE MODERATING PANELSAND SNAPPING SELFIES WITH SOME

OF THE BIGGEST CASTS IN THENERD-AVERSE.

LIKE THE "DOCTOR WHO" CAST.

I TRAPPED THEM IN AN ELEVATOR

I DID NOT SHARE WITH THEM WHAT IWOULD DO TO A TARDIS.

THIS IS FOX'S MARVELSUPERHEROES.

LIKE ALL OF THEM.[APPLAUSE]

AND OF COURSE, ONE OF THE BIGONES WAS THE UPCOMING

"STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS."

WAIT A MINUTE.

[APPLAUSE]HEY, WHERE'S HARRISON FORD?

OH, I SEE. THERE HE IS BEINGBLOCKED BY MY GIANT DEATH STAR

OF A HEAD.

I WAS SO [BLEEP] NERVOUS.

I ENDED UP BLOCKING HIM INEVERY.

GODDAMN.

PHOTO.

THIS ONE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'SHAPPENING THERE.

SORRY HAN.

I WISH I LOOKED BEFORE I SHOTFIRST.

I WAS SO SCARED.

I JUST DID IT SO FAST.

IT'S LIKE OH, MAN. ANYWAY, THEREWERE A TON OF

AWESOME TRAILERS BUT SINCE WEDON'T HAVE TIME TO SHOW THEM

ALL, WE'LL JUST SUM THINGS UP BYPLAYING THE PARTS WHERE THEY

WENT "BWAHHHH." IT'S THAT SOUNDTHAT EVERYONE LOVES. THIS ONE.

MAN, THAT SOUND EFFECT JUSTMAKES EVERY MOVIE WAY MORE EPIC.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

REALLY?

REALLY BAD.

[LAUGHTER]TO PUSH FORWARD INTO THE

UNKNOWN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE USE THIS SOUND.NO ONE KNOWS WHERE IT COMES

FROM. IT COULD BE ORSON WELLESFARTING INTO A TUBA. OR A

SENTIENT TUG BOAT EJACULATINGINTO A DIDGERIDOO.

WE DON'T KNOW. BUT COMEDIANS,

WHAT'S ANOTHER UNEXPECTEDLINE WE CAN MAKE MORE AWESOME

WITH A CINEMATIC...

RIKI LINDHOME, GO.

>> POINTS.

>> MIKE BLACK.

>> I JUST MADE BOOM BOOM IN MYPANTS.

[LAUGHTER]>> MOVING ON. THE BIGGEST THREAT

TO SURFERS IS STILL GETTING ANACTUAL JOB.

BUT NUMBER TWO--I LOOKFORWARD TO THOSE TWEETS--

NUMBER TWO ON THE LIST ISSHARKS.

AT A COMPETITION IN SOUTH AFRICATHIS WEEKEND, SURFER MICK

FANNING BARELY ESCAPED A SHARKATTACK.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> THE LAST SEASON, AS YOU LOOKAT FANNING ON THE RANKINGS.

YOU CAN SEE A LITTLE SPLASH.HOLY [BLEEP].

>> THANKFULLY MICK WAS OKAY BUT,OF COURSE, AFTER THIS VIDEO

SPREAD, THE INTERNET STOPPEDMASTURBATING LONG ENOUGH TO

DEFEND THE SHARK. LIKE THIS TOPPOST ON IMGUR. "STOP DEMONIZING

SHARKS." "MICK FANNING WAS NOTATTACKED BY A SHARK."

OKAY.

THESE ARE GIANT MURDERFISH,CAREFULLY SCULPTED BY NATURE TO

EFFICIENTLY KILL AND EAT THEIRPREY WITHOUT REMORSE.

BUT APPARENTLY CALLING THIS ANATTACK MAKES THESE HORRIFYING

CREATURES WITH FIVE ROWS OFTEETH LOOK BAD.

AS IF THE 1990S ERA"NINJA TURTLES" RIPOFF "STREET

SHARKS" DIDN'T DO ENOUGH DAMAGE.

STREET SHARKS.

[APPLAUSE]SO COMEDIANS, TAKE UP THIS

TERRIFYING GAUNTLET TO PROTECTTHE SHARK'S IMAGE AND GIVE US

YOUR BEST PRO-SHARK PROPAGANDA.

LET'S START WITH YOU RIKI.

>> I'M IN FAVOR OF ANYTHING THATEATS ME AND

I DON'T HAVE TO RECIPROCATE.

[APPLAUSE]>> MIKE BLACK.

>> I'M JUST GOING TO GO WITHRIKI'S ANSWER.

[LAUGHTER]>> IN THAT CASE I'M GOING TO

GIVE RIKI ANOTHER HUNDREDPOINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

WE PUT A LOT OF CONSIDERATIONINTO TAILORING OUR HASHTAGS

TO OUR PANEL OF COMEDIANFRIENDS, SO

BEARING IN MIND WE'RE WITH THECAST OF "ANOTHER PERIOD," WHICH

IS A PARODY OF A REALITY SHOWTHAT TAKES PLACE IN A

HISTORICAL PERIOD.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LET US DO#SPANISH FLU EPIDEMIC HAD ME

LIKE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS #HISTORICALREALITYSHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "ICE AGETRUCKERS" OR "SO YOU THINK YOU

YOU CAN DUEL" OR "JOHN AND KATEPLUS PLAGUE"

WHICH IS WHAT HAVING KIDS WOULDFEEL LIKE, EIGHT OF THEM.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

JASON.

>> TEEN MOM--TOTALLY NORMAL.

>> TEEN MOM: WHAT TOOK YOU SOLONG?

>> RIKI.

>> ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A WOMAN?

>> JASON.

>> AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOMEETCHINGS.

>> HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOOFORCED TO WORK IN A LOOM

18 HOURS A DAY.>> JASON.

>> THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HENRYVIII.

>> WIFE SWAP IN EXCHANGE FORFOOD.

>> RIKI.

>> KEEPING UP WITH THE HITLERS.

>> TODAY WE'RE GOING TO GOSHOPPING.

>> SO GOOD.

JASON RITTER.

>> 16 AND WIDOWED.

>> AMAZING.

RIKI.

>> LITTLE PEOPLE FLAT WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]>> MIKE.

>> THE BACHELORETTE IS A WITCH.BURN HER.

LET'S MOVE ON TO PLAY TWEETSTHROUGH TIME.

SINCE TWITTER WASN'T AROUND INTHE EARLY 1900'S, WE'LL NEVER

KNOW WHAT OUR TOOTHLESSTYPHUS-RIDDLED ANCESTORS WOULD

HAVE TWEETED ABOUT.

I'M GUESSING MOSTLY BEARATTACKS AND QUESTIONABLE

STATEMENTS ABOUT HARD WORKINGCHINESE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY WOULD HAVESAID.

I WANT TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR.

>> AND WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.

>> NO, NO.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVEYOU AN HISTORICAL EVENT FROM THE

EARLY 20TH CENTURY.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO TELLME WHAT KIND OF [BLEEP] REMARKS

YOU MIGHT HAVE TWEETED ABOUT IT.

PRESIDENT WILLIAM MCKINLEY ISASSASSINATED BY AN

POLISH-AMERICAN ANARCHIST INBUFFALO.

>>OMG MCKINZ NOOOO. I AM LEGITSOBBING INTO MY BONNET RN.

>> NEXT UP, TEDDY ROOSEVELT ISTHE FIRST PRESIDENT TO RIDE IN

A CAR.

>> GO BACK TO KENYA WHERE YOUWERE ON A SAFARI ONCE.

[APPLAUSE]#NOBAMA.

>> PRESIDENTS RIDING IN OPENCARS IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.

[LAUGHTER]>> NEXT UP.

THE WRIGHT BROTHERSACHIEVE FLIGHT. JASON.

>>WHILE YOU GUYS WERE DICKINGAROUND IN NORTH CAROLINA,

MY [BLEEP]ING BICYCLE'S BEEN INYOUR SHOP FOR THREE MONTHS

#WRONGBROTHERS.

[LAUGHTER]WELL DONE.

MICHAEL.

>> CAN'T WAIT TO JOIN THE 10FOOT CLUB.

[LAUGHTER]>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

FINISH IN 12 SECONDS.

>> NO PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]>> RIKI.

>> COOL BUT HOW IS THE MEASLESVACCINE COMING?

#PRIORITIES.

>> WELL DONE.

WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT IS ELECTEDAND BECOMES OUR FATTEST

PRESIDENT. RIKI.>>IN A HUNDRED YEARS

WE CAN REUSE THIS JOKE FORCHRIS CHRISTIE OR AN ACTRESS

THAT GAINS FIVE POUNDS.

>> MICHAEL IAN BLACK

>> TO QUOTE XTINA.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHATTHEY SAY.

#NOBAMA.

>> BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU A VIDEO OF A GROOMSMAN

BACKFLIP-KICKING A BRIDESMAID INTHE HEAD.

THAT IS NOT FUNNY.

HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE THE "BWAHH"SOUND WHEN HE KICKS HER IN THE

HEAD? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITHYOU?

>>CAN WE ADD THAT, JACK?

>> CAN WE DO THAT AGAIN AND JUSTADD THE, OKAY, HERE WE GO.

>> CAN WE DO THAT AGAIN AND JUSTADD THE, OKAY, HERE WE GO.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED POINTSFOR THAT.

IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S A GOODFLIP

AND NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]>> I ASK YOU GUYS TO GIVE A

WEDDING TOAST AS THIS POORCONCUSSED BRIDESMAID, LET'S SEE

WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

JASON RITTER LET'S START WITHYOU.

[LAUGHTER]>> RIKI LINDHOME.

[LAUGHTER]>> RIKI LINDHOME.

[APPLAUSE]>> MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

[LAUGHTER]>> PLEASE BE SURE TO WATCH

OUR REALITY PROGRAM.

MOVING ON IT'S TIME TO PLAY TURDWATCH.

THE BOSTON GLOBE COMMITTED ATYPO SO AMAZING IT TRENDED ON

TWITTER ALL WEEKEND LONG.

ACCORDING TO THE GLOBE, THE FBIHAS INVESTIFARTED ABOUT 70 LEADS

[LAUGHTER]NOW APPARENTLY THEY WEREN'T

AVAILABLE FOR A STATEMENT.

WE DO NOW THEY SMELT IT, THEY'RENOT AWARE OF WHO DEALT IT.

HOPEFULLY THE WORD CATCHES ONAND

WE'LL BE ABLE TO ENJOY TV POLICEDRAMAS WHERE DETECTIVES SAY

THERE'S A PERP ON THE LOOSE WITHA TOOTIN' CABOOSE.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TOINVESTIFART.

[LAUGHTER]>> COMEDIANS, YOU'RE JUST

THE CRACK TEAM TO MAKE THINGSHAPPEN TODAY, SO

I WANT YOU TO BEEF OUT AS MANYFART-THEMED COP SHOWS AS YOU

CAN. RIKI.

>> 21 DUMP STREET.

>> MIKE BLACK.

>> MAGNUM P.U.

>> RIKI.

>> THE A-HOLE TEAM.

>> MIKE.

>> HAWAII 5-0 I [SHIT] MY PANTS[LAUGHTER]

>> NYPD EW.

>> RIKI.

>> HILL STREET BROWNS.

>> MIKE.

>> OPEN A WINDOW SHE WROTE.

>> JASON.

>> SHARTSKY AND HUTCH.