Short, McEneaney, Michael Jr., Barnes

  • Season 5, Ep 512
  • 12/28/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Jim Short, Liam McEneaney, Michael, Jr. and Amy Barnes.

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.

LIKE, HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT

EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD IS

POSING BUCK NAKED?

ALL THE YOUNG ACTRESSES.

AND THAT USED TO BE TABOO.

YOU KNOW?

IT DID.

IT WAS A TIME WHEN YOU BE

LIKE...

"DID YOU SEE MARY POSE BUCK

NAKED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

EVERYTHING IS OUT--

WHAT KIND OF FAMILY DOES SHE

COME FROM?"

NOW IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU KNOW?

ALL THESE YOUNG ACTRESSES ARE

POSING BUCK NAKED AND IT'S

ACCEPTED.

YOU KNOW?

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE THEM DOING

STUFF.

YOU CAN'T NEVER BE JUST NAKED.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO BE PLAYING

TENNIS.

(LAUGHTER)

JUGGLING HATCHETS.

SKY DIVING.

I GOT NEW FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'

WHEN YOU BUCK NAKED BUT JUST BE

BUCK NAKED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS BORN IN AUSTRALIA

AND WHEN I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD,

MY FAMILY PICKED UP AND MOVED

TO TEXAS.

I'M NOT GONNA RECOMMEND THAT

MOVE TO YOU.

NOBODY EVER KNEW WHERE I WAS

FROM.

(TEXAS ACCENT) "HEY, MAN.

YOU TALK KINDA WEIRD.

WHERE YOU FROM?

ARE YOU FROM ENGLAND?"

"NO.

I'M ACTUALLY FROM AUSTRALIA."

"HOT DAMN.

I WAS CLOSE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"NO.

"MISSED IT ABOUT A HEMISPHERE,

MAN.

SOMEBODY MUST'VE SAT DOWN ON

YOUR GLOBE AT SOME POINT."

I LIKE NEW YORK.

I LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO.

AND WE'RE LIKE A SLICE OF

NEW YORK.

YOU KNOW?

NEW YORK IS FREAKY.

AND SAN FRANCISCO--

SAN FRANCISCO IS LIKE NEW YORK'S

LITTLE GAY COUSIN ON THE WEST

COAST.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M AN OLDER MAN.

I'M 34 YEARS OLD.

I ACTUALLY--

THAT'S NOT OLD UNLESS YOU LIVE

IN HOLLYWOOD.

UM...

BUT I'M 34 YEARS AND I THOUGHT

"WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR

MY SELF, RIGHT?"

I'M 34.

I MAKE $7,000 A YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE BOOKS AND CD's.

A COUPLE OF PAIRS OF PANTS.

AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.

AND I THOUGHT...

MAN, I'M KIND OF A LOSER.

I WAS VERY SAD AND DEPRESSED.

AND THEN IT HIT ME.

AND I REALIZED, HOLD ON.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M NOT A LOSER.

I'VE TRIED.

I AM A FAILURE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HERE'S HOW OLD I AM.

I'M TOO OLD TO WATCH MTV.

I LOOK AT MTV AND I'M JUST

BEWILDERED.

IT'S CHILDREN DANCING AROUND.

TAKING THEIR SHIRTS OFF.

I'M AFRAID THE POLICE ARE GONNA

KICK MY DOOR OPEN.

"CHILDREN WITH NO CLOTHES ON

ON YOUR TV SCREEN."

"I'M LOOKING FOR 'HEAD BANGERS

BALL' OFFICER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I BIG ROCK 'N ROLL MILESTONE.

IT'S BEEN OVER 30 YEARS

SINCE JIM MORRISON DIED.

YEAH.

HE DIED IN PARIS FRANCE.

HE'S BURIED IN PARIS.

AND THERE WAS A 30-YEAR LEASE

ON HIS GRAVE.

AND IT WAS UP IN JULY 2001,

RIGHT?

AND FOR A WHILE, THE CEMETERY

DID NOT WANT TO RENEW THE LEASE.

THEY WANTED TO ACTUALLY DIG HIM

UP AND KICK HIM OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY WERE TIRED BECAUSE THEY HAD

TO GO EVERYDAY AND CLEAN UP THE

GRAVE.

THEY HAD TO CLEAN UP CONDOMS

AND BEER CANS AND BOTTLES,

NEEDLES--

TRASH ALL OVER THE PLACE.

BUT THAT'S WHAT'S SO COOL.

WHEN YOU'RE GETTING KICKED OUT

FOR PARTYING AND YOU'VE BEEN

DEAD SINCE 1971...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU NEVER SEE MY COUNTRY ON TV.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

AUSTRALIA IS BEAUTIFUL.

BUT YOU NEVER SEE IT ON T.V.

"GOOD DAY.

WE'RE DOWN TOWN BRISBAN.

THERE'S BUILDINGS AND CARS--

YOU NEVER SEE THAT.

ALL YOU SEE IS THE OPERA HOUSE

FOR A MOMENT AND THEN THEY'LL

CUT TO A REMOTE.

CREEK AND THE BUSH WHERE THERE'S

A CRAZY MADMAN MOLESTING

REPTILES.

(LAUGHTER)

THE CROCODILE HUNTER IS A MADMAN

ANNOYING DANGEROUS ANIMALS.

THAT'S GREAT TV.

HE'S ALWAYS DOING THINGS THAT

DON'T NEED TO BE DONE.

"WE'RE GONNA PICK UP THIS

GIGANTIC CROC, MOVE HIM OVER

THERE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE FOUND THIS COBRA SNAKE.

AND HE WAS JUST POKING IT WITH A

STICK.

"OH, LOOK AT YOU, MATE.

HOW ARE YOU?

AH, YEAH."

AND HE'S JUST GOES INTO THAT

ZONE WHERE HE CAN'T EVEN FORM

WORDS.

"AAHHH, YEAHHH!

OOHHH!"

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

THE SNAKE JUMPS UP TO BITE HIM.

HE BLOCKS IT AWAY.

HE LOOKS UP AND HE GOES,

"OH, HE'S GRUMPY TODAY."

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, HE'S GRUMPY BECAUSE

YOU'RE BANGING HIM WITH A STICK.

THAT'S THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF

GRUMPYNESS.

IF YOU WERE LYING DOWN IN THE

BACKYARD AND SAYING "OH, IT'S

LOVELY TODAY.

IT'S JUST GLORIOUS."

AND SOME IDIOT COMES OUT WITH

A STICK AND JUST--

"OH, HOW ARE YOU, MATE?

OH!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

OH!

OH, OH!

OH!"

YOU'D JUST--

YOU'D KICK HIM IN THE STOMACH.

BOOM!

"OH!

WHY ARE YOU SO GRUMPY, MAN?"

IT'S BEEN NICE TO BE IN

NOW BY 'ROUND OF APPLAUSE--

LET ME GET TO KNOW YOU GUYS

A LITTLE BIT--

BY 'ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

WHO HERE LIKES DOGS?...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SEXUALLY?

(APPLAUSE SUBDUES)

I HEARD THAT ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT, MAN.

THAT'S TOTALLY COOL WITH ME.

I WAS WORKING AT A JOB ONCE.

THEY SENT ALL OF THE EMPLOYEES

OUT ON A "SEXUAL HARASSMENT

AWARENESS" TRAINING SEMINAR.

OR "S.H.A.T.S" AS I LIKE TO CALL

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

THE THING IS, THIS "S.H.A.T.S."

WAS A REAL WASTE OF MY COMPANIES

TIME A MONEY BECAUSE I AM NOT

INTO SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

I'M INTO SOMETHING I LIKE TO

CALL, "SENSUAL HARASSMENT".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

IT'S A LOT LIKE SEXUAL

HARASSMENT, BUT IT LAST EIGHT

HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN MAKE A WOMAN FEEL

UNCOMFORTABLE ALL DAY LONG.

(APPLAUSE)

I...

I HATE PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE.

LIKE, I HATE THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO'LL THROW A FOREIGN WORD

INTO A CONVERSATION WHEN

AN ENGLISH WORD WOULD DO.

LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'S

LIKE, "OH, I'LL SEE YOU MAÑANA."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN, WHAT THEY MEAN IS,

"I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW."

OR THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'S

LIKE, "HMM.

I'M REALLY HUNGRY FOR A TACO."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN WHAT THEY MEAN IS,

"I'M REALLY HUNGRY FOR A COOKED

MEAT SANDWICH IN A TORTILLA

SHELL."

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER KIND OF PERSON I HATE IS

MY EX-ROOMMATE.

A COUPLE PEOPLE KNOW HIM

APPARENTLY.

AND FOR THE REST OF YOU...

HE WAS DISGUSTING.

THE FIRST WEEK HE MOVED IN,

HE COMES IN, HE'S LIKE,

"AH, LIUM, I HAD MY GIRLFRIEND

OVER LAST NIGHT.

I HOPE WE DIDN'T KEEP YOU AWAKE

ALL NIGHT WITH THE NOISE.

AH, HA, HA, AH."

IT'S LIKE...

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED

TO SAY TO YOU?

"AH, NOPE.

I GUESS YOU GUYS BETTER TRY

HARDER NEXT TIME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I COULD BARELY HEAR YOU,

AND I HAD MY EAR AGAINST YOUR

DOOR."

WHAT I DID SAY TO HIM THOUGH WAS

"YEAH, DON'T WORRY THOUGH.

I WAS WHACKING OFF TO IT."

(LAUGHTER)

"I HOPE THE NOISE DIDN'T KEEP

YOU GUYS AWAKE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND, AH...

I'M GONNA END.

THAT WAS MY COMEDY.

AND NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

SOMETHING SERIOUS.

THIS IS VERY TRUE.

MY PARENTS ARE HERE TONIGHT.

THEY'RE FINDING OUT FOR THE

FIRST TIME.

I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE SHARING

THIS WITH YOU GUYS.

AH...

ME AND MY PEOPLE TODAY JUST

SIGNED A DEAL WITH "DISNEY".

SO I'M ACTUALLY FEELING VERY

EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THE DEAL IS I HAVE TO STAY

50 FEET AWAY FROM THEIR OFFICES

AT ALL TIMES.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BLACK AND WHITE.

LET ME CHECK SOMETHING REAL

QUICK.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

AUDIENCE>> WHO'S THERE?

MICHAEL, JR.>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT

TO DO.

WHITE PEOPLE LIKE "WHO'S THERE?"

BLACK PEOPLE LIKE "GO TO THE

SIDE DOOR."

(LAUGHTER)

WE DO STUFF DIFFERENT, MAN.

BLACK PEOPLE.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE DO.

TWO WHITE GUYS WALKING DOWN

THE STREET...

RIGHT TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER.

YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO SPEAK,

SO YOU MAKE A JESTER.

EXACTLY.

YOU SMILE.

TILT YOUR HEAD DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

BROTHERS...

WE DO JUST THE OPPOSITE.

WE FROWN, TILT OUR HEAD UP.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

IF YOU BY-RACIAL, YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

YOU...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOME NICE LOOKING WOMEN HERE.

THE LADIES...

THE OUTFITS THAT YOU'RE WEARING.

LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE ON THAT

HALF SHIRT.

YOU HAVE A STOMACH.

AND THE NAVEL AREA IS SHOWING.

WHOO!

THAT IS SO SEXY...

MOST OF THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LADIES, THEY CALL THIS A

HALF SHIRT FOR A REASON.

ONLY HAVE OF Y'ALL IS SUPPOSED

TO WEAR THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOU GOT A NAVEL RING...

BUT IT COULD ONLY BE SEEN...

ON THE EXHALE...

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE BIG WOMEN ARE COOL.

I JUST HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE

WITH A BIG WOMAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS BIG.

SHE WAS GOING TO TRY TO KEEP IT

A SECRET...

UNTIL WE GET TO MY APARTMENT.

AND THEN SHE WAS GONNA SPRING

IT OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HAD IT ALL SET, TOO.

AS SOON AS WE WALK IN THE DOOR.

BLAH, BLAH.

I HIT THE CLAPPER.

AND THE LIGHTS DROP.

AS I PUSHED THE BUTTON

ON THE STEREO, SHE TOOK OFF HER

COAT.

AND I LOOKED.

I'M THINKING, "WHOA.

YOU KINDA BIG."

AND I NOTICED THAT SHE HAD THESE

ROLLS GOING AROUND THESE ROLLS.

AND SHE WAS, LIKE, "SO WHAT YOU

THINK?"

I SAID, "UM.

YOU ROLLIN'."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW SHE FEELIN' KINDA GOOD.

SHE STARTED DANCING.

AND AS SHE'S DANCING...

THE FLOOR IS SHAKING.

I'M THINK, "I HOPE YOU DON'T

FALL THROUGH.

NOW BECAUSE THE FLOOR'S SHAKING,

THE CD STARTS SKIPPING.

SHE DON'T EVEN NOTICE IT.

NOW THE FLOOR IS SHAKING...

THE CD IS SKIPPING.

AND THE ROLLS...

STARTING SLAPPING UP AGAINST THE

ROLLS.

MAKING THE CLAPPER GO ON.

NOW THE LIGHTS SHINING,

THE FLOOR'S SHAKING AND THE CD

SKIPPING.

THANKS A LOT.

I'M MICHAEL, JR.

PROBABLY RECOGNIZE ME.

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> YEAH!

AMY BARNES>> I USED TO PLAY

IN A BAND.

ALMOST EVERYBODY'S HEARD OF US.

WE WERE CALLED "THE MARCHING

BAND".

YOU GUYS HEARD OF THAT?

YEAH!

AH-HUH.

WE HAD SOME HITS.

A COUPLE.

I PLAYED THE TUBA.

WHERE'S MY TUBA PLAYERS

IN THE HOUSE?

YEAH.

I CHOSE THE TUBA BASED ON THIS

THEORY.

IF YOU'RE NOT COOL ENOUGH

TO BE A CHEERLEADER, MAKE SURE

YOU'RE CARRYING SOMETHING

BIG ENOUGH TO KNOCK ONE ON HER

ASS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW.

I'M SINGLE NOW.

AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD FOR ME

TO BE DATING AGAIN.

BECAUSE THE LAST THREE YEARS,

I'VE JUST BEEN CHEATING.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

HOW MANY OF GUYS HAVE A

SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

(APPLAUSE)

A FEW OF YOU GUYS.

YEAH.

HOW MANY OF YOU LOOK AT THEM

AND YOU KNOW YOU COULD OF DONE

BETTER?

COME ON.

(APPLAUSE)

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

THIS SONG IS FOR US.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ I USED TO DREAM OF

♪ PRINCE CHARMING

♪ HOPING SOMEDAY

♪ HE'D COME RESCUE ME

♪ BUT ALL MY FRIENDS

♪ ARE MARRIED

♪ AND I'M STUCK WITH YOU

(LAUGHTER)

♪ SO I HAVE TO FACE REALITY

♪ WELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE FATTER

♪ THAN I'D HOPED YOU WOULD BE

♪ AND YOUR HAIR

♪ IS THINNING FAST

♪ I KNOW THAT THE LOVE

♪ THAT WE NOW SHARE

♪ IT PROBABLY WILL NOT LAST

(APPLAUSE)

♪ BUT I HAVE SETTLED FOR YOU

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

♪ THERE'S NO SENSE PRETENDING

♪ WHAT WE BOTH KNOW IS TRUE

♪ WHEN THE DAY CAME ALONG

♪ I FINALLY KNEW

♪ MY DREAMS WERE NOT

♪ COMING TRUE

(APPLAUSE)

SING IT WITH ME, LADIES.

♪ I SETTLED FOR YOU ♪

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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