Brendon Walsh, Glenn Wool, Kumail Nanjiani, Kirk Fox

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011

Glenn Wool isn't fooled by rich kids dressing like gangster rappers, Kumail Nanjiani sees an odd reaction to a horror movie, and Kirk Fox has questions about organ donation.

A GOOD FEW YEARS NOW,

AND I ONLY HAVE ONE MAJORCRITICISM OF THIS COUNTRY.

AND IT'S NOT BAD.

ONE.YOU'D HAVE TAKEN THAT.

ONE?THAT'S NOT A LOT.

THE ONLY CRITICISMI HAVE OF THIS COUNTRY

IS IT'S TOO BIG.

IT'S FAR TOO BIG,THIS COUNTRY.

MY PEOPLE TRIED TO POINTTHAT OUT TO YOU

A COUPLE OF CENTURIES AGO,BUT YOU GOT ALL PISSY ABOUT IT,

AND THREW YOUR LITTLETEA TANTRUM BUT IT'S STILL TRUE.

(laughter)

THERE ARE TOO MANY NOOKSAND CRANNIES HERE.

YOU DO NOT WANTTO LOOK INSIDE FOR FEAR

OF WHAT YOU KNOWMIGHT BE LURKING THERE.

I HAVE LOOKED INSIDE YOUR NOOKS.I HAVE SEEN YOUR CRANNIES.

I WORK FOR THE "DAILY SHOW,"AND I DO STAND-UP.

I HAVE SEEN YOUR WHACK JOBS.

AND BELIEVE ME,YOU COULD PUT THEM UP

AGAINST WHACK JOBSFROM ANY COUNTRY ON THE PLANET

AND BE PRETTY CONFIDENTABOUT WALKING AWAY WITH A "W."

(laughter)

I'M GLAD YOU'RE PLEASEDABOUT THAT, AS WELL.

THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

YEAH, NUMBER ONE!NUMBER ONE!

YEAH, NEVER MIND IN WHAT.NUMBER ONE!

WHOO! NUMBER ONE!

SUCK IT, CHINA,YOU'RE NOT THAT STRANGE.

YOU'RE NOT THAT STRANGE,CHINA.

EVERY TIME--

EVERY TIME I COME BACKTO NEW YORK FROM BEING

SOMEWHERE ELSE,I FEEL LIKE RUTGER HAUER

AT THE END OF "BLADE RUNNER."

"I'VE SEEN THINGSYOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE."

(laughter)

I HAVE BEEN TO THE UPPERPENINSULA OF MICHIGAN.

THAT IS REMOTEIN THE EXTREME.

IT'S LIKE "LORDS OF THE FLIES"UP THERE

WITH SIGNIFICANTLYMORE BEARDS.

BY ONE BRIDGEOR A TINY AIRPORT

THAT JUST HAS A COUPLEOF FLIGHTS A DAY.

AND IT'S THE FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER LANDED ON A RUNWAY

AND WALKED STRAIGHT DOWN ONTOTHE RUNWAY

AND REALIZED THEREWAS A GENUINE CHANCE

THAT MY LUGGAGE MAY BE ABOUTTO GET STOLEN BY A BEAR.

(laughter)

I HAD TO GET THE FIRST FLIGHTOUT THE FOLLOWING MORNING.

SO I SAID TO THE WOMANIN THE HOTEL,

"CAN I BOOK A CAB TOMORROWMORNING

"FOR ABOUT 5:00 A.M.?IS THAT POSSIBLE?

"I NEED TO GETTO THE AIRPORT.

CAN I BOOK A CABFOR AROUND 5:00?"

AND SHE SAID, "NO, NO, NO.

"YOU WON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

DAVE WILL TAKE YOU."

(laughter)

I THOUGHT FINE, FINE.

MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT WORKSUP HERE.

MAYBE DAVE TAKES PEOPLEANYWHERE THEY NEED TO GO.

I WANT TO BE RESPECTFULOF THE LOCAL CULTURE.

DAVE SHALL BE MY GUIDE.

IT WILL BE AN HONORTO BE TRANSPORTED

BY THE MANTHEY CALL "DAVE."

SO THE NEXT MORNING,ABOUT 4:45,

I WALK DOWN TO THE HOTEL LOBBY,

AND IT WAS PITCH BLACK,COMPLETE DARKNESS

BUT FOR ONE SHADOWY FIGURE,

STANDING BEHIND THE DESK,NOT MOVING,

NOT READING,

JUST STARING MOTIONLESSINTO THE AIR IN FRONT OF HIM.

AND WHEN HE HEARD MY FOOTSTEPSON THE LOBBY FLOOR,

THE SHADOW SPUN TOWARDS MEAND SAID, "LET'S GO."

(laughter)

BARE IN MIND, AT THIS POINT,

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER THIS WASACTUALLY DAVE AT ALL

OR WHETHER I WAS ABOUTTO FIGHT TO THE DEATH

IN AN ICE THUNDERDOME.

(laughter)

BUT IT WAS DAVE,

AND WHEN HE TURNEDTHE LIGHTS ON,

IT TURNED OUT DAVEWAS 75 YEARS OLD

AND HE HAD A HOMEMADE SPLINTUP THE SIDE OF HIS LEG

AND AN UPSIDE DOWN HOCKEY STICKTHAT HE WAS USING

TO PROPEL HIMSELF ACROSSTHE LOBBY FLOOR

AND OUT TO HIS VANWHERE HE STARTED TO DRIVE

USING THE HOCKEY STICKTO ACCELERATE AND BRAKE.

(laughter)

I REMEMBER THINKING,"IF I DON'T FIND GOD NOW,

"I DON'T THINK I'M EVERGOING TO FIND HIM

BECAUSE THIS FEELS LIKE ITREALLY SHOULD BE MY TIME."

I SHOULD TELL YOU, AS WELL,

THE WINDSHIELDWAS COMPLETELY ICED OVER.

YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING OUTOF THE WINDSHIELD

BUT FOR YOUR OWN TERRIFIED EYESBEING REFLECTED BACK AT YOU.

AND I SAID TO HIM, "DAVE!DAVE, STOP THE VAN, DAVE!

"STOP THE VAN.

"LET ME PLEASE SCRAPETHE WINDSHIELD CLEAR FOR YOU.

I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THATSO WE CAN DRIVE ON SAFELY,"

AND HE SAID, "WELL, I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THAT, JOHN.

I KNOW THESE ROADS."

(laughter)

IT WAS SIMULTANEOUSLYTHE MOST CONFIDENT

AND THE MOST TERRIFYING SENTENCEI HAD EVER HEARD

UNTIL THE NEXT THING HE SAID.

(laughter)

BECAUSE HE PULLED INTO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

AND I DISTINCTLYREMEMBER THINKING,

"OH, THAT'S INTERESTING

BECAUSE WE'RE NOTAT THE AIRPORT."

(laughter)

AND THEN HE TURNEDTHE ENGINE OFF,

LOOKED STRAIGHT OUTIN FRONT OF HIM AND SAID,

"JOHN...

I WANT TO SHOWYOU SOMETHING."

(laughter)

AND IF I'D HAD TO PICKA SEQUENCE OF WORDS

THAT I WANTED TO HEAR THE LEASTIN THAT MOMENT,

IT WOULD'VE BEENTHOSE EXACT WORDS

IN THAT EXACT ORDER.

"PLEASE DON'T SHOW MEANYTHING, DAVE.

"I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYTHINGTHAT YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME.

"LEAST OF ALL THE BODIESTHAT I'M NOW

RELATIVELY CONFIDENTYOU KEEP IN YOUR BASEMENT."

BUT I WAS WRONG.

I WAS DEAD WRONG.

BECAUSE WHAT HE HADTO SHOW ME WAS WONDERFUL.

EVERY WINTER, THE STUDENTSAT MICHIGAN TECH

BUILD ENORMOUSICE SCULPTURES,

ICE VILLAGES, STATUESAND LIGHT THEM UP AT NIGHT

SO THAT YOU CAN ENJOY THEM.

SO DAVE AND I WALKEDTHROUGH THIS ICE WONDERLAND

IN THE MOONLIGHT.

DAVE'S HANDIN THE SMALL OF MY BACK.

(laughter)

TOO LOW, TOO LOW.

WAY, WAY TOO LOW.

BUT AT THAT POINT,IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER.

WE'D ALL READY BEEN THROUGHSO MUCH.

(laughter)

I REMEMBER THINKING,"I WISH THE REST OF THE WORLD

KNEW WHAT THE CENTER OF AMERICAWAS REALLY LIKE,"

BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULDDISPENSE MOST

LAZY ANTI-AMERICANISMINSTANTLY

IF THE REST OF THE PLANETUNDERSTOOD

THAT THE CENTER OF AMERICAIS NOT OVERCONFIDENT.

IT'S (bleep) INSANE.

AND THAT SHOULD BE CHERISHEDAND ENVIED.

AND THIS WAS CEMENTEDWHEN WE DID FINALLY GET

TO THE AIRPORT'CAUSE DAVE PULLED IN,

AND HE SAID TO ME,"WE'RE HERE, JOHN.

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING."

I SAID, "THANK YOU, DAVE.GOOD LUCK TO YOU, TOO,"

AND HE SAID,"WELL, I DON'T NEED LUCK.

I'M EXACTLYWHERE I NEED TO BE."

(laughter)

AND I SAID, "WAIT.WHAT, WHAT?

"I WAS NOT EXPECTINGANYTHING THAT PROFOUND, DAVE.

"WHY?

PLEASE, TELL ME WHY ARE YOUEXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE?"

AND HE LOOKED ME STRAIGHTIN THE EYES,

AND I PROMISE THIS IS TRUE,HE SAID THIS.

HE SAID,"I'M THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE

AGAINST THE CANADIANS."

(laughter and applause)

I'LL--

I'LL TELL YOU HOW MUCHHE WAS JOKING--

ZERO PERCENT.

ABSOLUTE ZERO.

THAT IS A MANWHO DOES NOT SLEEP AT NIGHT.

HE SITS WIDE AWAKE HALFWAYUP HIS STAIRCASE

WITH HIS FRONT DOOR WIDE OPENAND A SHOTGUN ACROSS HIS LEGS,

SECRETLY PRAYING THAT A CANADIANWILL TRY SOMETHING.

OH, PLEASE JEAN-PIERRE.PLEASE CROSS THAT BORDER.

DO IT, J.P.DO IT.

I WILL MOUNT YOU TO MY WALLLIKE A MAPLE SUGAR MOOSE."

(laughter)

ARE WEARING FAKE MUSTACHESTONIGHT?

(scattered applause)NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I WISH THAT WAS TRUE,THOUGH.

IT'S SO FUN TO WEARFAKE MUSTACHES.

ME AND A BUDDY OF MINE,MY FRIEND KEVIN--

I USED TO LIVE DOWNIN AUSTIN, TEXAS,

AND WE'D WEAR FAKE MUSTACHESALL THE TIME, JUST GO HANG OUT.

IT PISSES PEOPLE OFF WHEN THEYSEE YOU WEARING A FAKE MUSTACHE.

THEY JUST DON'T LIKE SEEINGPEOPLE HAVE FUN.

LIKE, WE'D GO OUTAND PUT ON OUR FAKE MUSTACHES

AND OUR SUITS, WE'D APPLYFOR JOBS AND STUFF.

GIVE IT A SHOT,IF YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED,

WEAR A FAKE MUSTACHETO YOUR NEXT JOB INTERVIEW.

THERE'S NO JOBS OUT THEREANYWAY, SO HAVE SOME FUN.

(laughter)

THIS IS TOTALLYA TRUE STORY.

I DID THIS, TOO,WHEN I WAS DOWN IN AUSTIN.

WE WOULD TAKE FAKE NEWSPAPER ADSOUT IN THE PAPER,

AND THIS IS TOTALLYA TRUE STORY,

I TOOK AN AD OUT IN THE"PETS FOR ADOPTION" SECTION

OF THE PAPER AND THE AD READ,"FREE BEAGLE PUPPY.

"WILL BE PUT TO SLEEPIF NOT ADOPTED SOON.

(audience groans)CALL THIS NUMBER," RIGHT?

AND THEN YOU CALL THE NUMBER,AND THE VOICEMAIL YOU GET IS,

"HEY, THIS IS RON,IF YOU'RE CALLING

ABOUT THE PUPPY,I ALL READY KILLED IT.

ANYBODY ELSE LEAVE A MESSAGE."BEEP!

(laughter)

IT'S A FUNNY IDEA.IT'S GOOD ON PAPER.

I THOUGHT I WOULD GET, LIKE,

ALL THESE GREAT ANGRY VOICEMAILMESSAGES OF PEOPLE

LOOSING THEIR GODDAMN MINDS,AND I'D LISTEN TO THEM AND LAUGH

'CAUSE I'M A BAD,HORRIBLE PERSON,

BUT NOBODY LEFT A MESSAGE.

LIKE,25 PEOPLE A DAY WOULD CALL,

AND THEY WOULD JUST HANG UP,LIKE, THEY WERE DEVASTATED.

THEY ALL MADE THE SAME NOISE.THEY'RE LIKE,

(shuddering breath)LIKE, SAD.

MADE A WHOLE TOWN SADFOR MY OWN AMUSEMENT.

(giggles)THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT HOW COMEDY WORKS.IT'S WRONG.

THAT'S LIKE--YOU GUYS,EVERYBODY HEARD BY NOW

THAT GENE HACKMAN DIED TODAY,RIGHT?

I JUST MADE THAT UP, TOO.

(laughter)I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE GET SAD!

YOU GOT SAD AS (bleep) TOO!

YOU DIDN'T REALIZEHOW MUCH YOU LOVE GENE HACKMAN

UNTIL I JUST TOLD YOUTHAT HE DIED.

I WANT YOU ALL TO GO HOMETONIGHT AND WRITE A LETTER

TO GENE HACKMAN,TELL HIM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

I JUST GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE.YOU'RE A HERO.

(applause)

SO WE USED TO-- IT WAS LIKE ABIG--WE USED TO LIKE (bleep)WITH PEOPLE.

SO ONE TIME, WE WERE GONNA GOSEE THE BAND WEEN.

(scattered cheers)WE BOUGHT SOME TICKETSTO SEE WEEN, RIGHT?

YEAH. WEEN'S GREAT.GO SEE THEM LIVE.

THEY'LL KNOCK YOUR (bleep)IN THE DIRT.

THOSE GUYS KNOWWHAT THEY'RE DOING.

AND NOTHING BETTERTHAN SEEING WEEN LIVE

EXCEPT FOR SEEING WEEN LIVEON MUSHROOMS.

(laughter)

SO I HAD THESE BIG CRAZYTEXAS MUSHROOMS,

AND I HAD THIS ROOMMATE,THESE TWO ROOMMATES,

JIM AND MARY, AND MARY WAS LIKETHIS YOUNG KNOW-IT-ALL, LIKE,

ROLLER DERBY CHICK, YOU KNOW,WHICH IS--I LOVE ROLLER DERBY.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN IT,BUT I LIKE THAT IT EXISTS

BECAUSE IT CUTS DOWN ONALL THE CRAPPY GIRL BANDS

THAT WOULD BE AROUND,OTHERWISE.

(laughter and applause)

(laughs)

SO SHE SEES THE MUSHROOMSI HAVE AND SHE GOES,

"OH, THOSE MUSHROOMS.

"YOU ONLY NEED TO EAT LIKEA CAP OR A STEM,

YOU'LL BE FINE," AND I WAS LIKE,"SHUT UP, MARY.

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M EATING HALFOF THIS GODDAMN BAG."

SO I'M LIKE, "ARR,"I EAT HALF THE BAG,

AND I PUT ON MY FAKE MUSTACHEAND MY SUIT.

ME AND KEVIN START WALKINGTO THE SHOW,

AND LIKE FIVE MINUTES INTO THEWALK I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MAN, THESE THINGS AREKICKING IN ALREADY, I THINK.

THAT'S WAY TOO FAST."

AND THEN I THOUGHTMAYBE I DID TAKE TOO MANY

'CAUSE I KIND OF FEEL MY BRAINSLIDING OUT OF MY (bleep)HOLE.

I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

AND I LOOK UP AT KEVIN,

AND I GO, "HEY, MAN,WHERE ARE WE?"

AND HE LOOKS AT THE STREET SIGNAND HE GOES,

"WE'RE AT NINTHAND NATCHEZ.

AND I GO, "NO,WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?"

AND HE GOES, "ARE YOU OKAYTO GO TO THE SHOW?"

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK SO.GO CALL JIM AND MARY.

"TELL 'EM TO COME PICK ME UP.

I'M GONNA GO LAY DOWN ONTHIS LAWN FOR A LITTLE WHILE."

AND I LAY DOWN ON THE LAWN,

AND THEN I HAD THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT SOMETHING

REALLY BAD HAD HAPPENED, LIKE,I REMEMBERED HANGING OUT

BY THE HIGHWAY, AND I THOUGHT,OH, (bleep)

I FELL OFF THE HIGHWAYOR SOMETHING.

NOW MY BODY'S BACK THEREAND I'M, LIKE,

IN THIS WEIRD KIND OF"JACOB'S LADDER" EXISTENCE

LIKE, BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATHAND HEAVEN AND HELL.

AND JUST WHEN I'M THINKING THAT,JIM AND MARY COME PULLING UP

IN JIM'S WEIRD CORVAIREMOBILE HOME THAT HE'S DRIVING.

AND THEN HE OPENS THE DOOR,AND HE'S LIKE, "GET IN."

AND I'M LIKE,"I DON'T WANT TO GET IN.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME TO HELL."

HE'S LIKE, "WE'RE NOT GONNATAKE YOU TO HELL.

JUST GET IN."I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU TAKE ME TO HELL,I'M GONNA BE SUPER BUMMED OUT."

I GET IN THE VAN.

I MAKE SURE THERE'S NONEOF THOSE WEIRD FAST

HEAD-SHAKING GUYSFROM "JACOB'S LADDER" IN THERE.

AND THE WHOLE RIDE HOME,I'M LIKE--

I'M REALLY--EVERYBODY'S VERYCONCERNED ABOUT ME

'CAUSE THEY CAN TELLI'M LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND.

AND THEY DROP US OFFAT THE HOUSE, AND WE GIVE--

KEVIN AND I GIVE BOTHOUR ROOMMATES--

WE GIVE THEM OUR WEEN TICKETSAND THEY GO TO THE SHOW

AND THEY LEAVE USBOTH AT THE HOUSE.

AND I GO IN AND I TAKE OFFMY FAKE MUSTACHE AND MY SUIT

AND I'M WEARING A WHITE DRESSSHIRT AND WHITE BOXER SHORTS,

AND THE WALLS ARE WHITE.

I'M, LIKE, BATHED IN WHITE.

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY,THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING."

SO I START PRAYING, I'M LIKE,"GOD, JUST GET ME OUTTA THIS.

"I'LL CHANGE.I'LL BE A BETTER PERSON.

"JUST--I DON'T WANTTO GO TO HELL.

"I'LL STOP (bleep)WITH PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

"I WON'T WEARFAKE MUSTACHES ANYMORE.

"I WON'T TELL EVERYBODYGENE HACKMAN DIED

"FOR MY OWN AMUSEMENT,WON'T TAKE ANY FAKE ADS.

"JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS,AND I'LL CHANGE.

I'LL BE A GOOD PERSON."AND I SWEAR TO GOD,

TWO SECONDS LATER,JUST LIKE THAT,

THE DRUGS WORE OFF,AND I WAS LIKE, "OH.

OH."

AND KEVIN'S LIKE, "WHAT?"I WAS LIKE, "NOTHING.

"DRUGS WORE OFF.I'M FINE NOW.

SORRY I WAS THAT GUYTHAT LOST HIS MIND ON DRUGS."

HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S CRAZY,"I GO, "YEAH,

"BUT MAYBE IT HAPPENEDFOR A REASON.

"MAYBE I SHOULD SHAPE UPAND BE A BETTER PERSON

AND STOP (bleep)WITH PEOPLE ALL THE TIME."

AND AS WE'RE TALKINGABOUT THIS,

I HEAR JIM AND MARYPULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

THEY'RE BACK FROM THE CONCERT,AND I GO,

"JIM AND MARY ARE HOME.

"THEY DON'T KNOWTHAT I'M FINE NOW.

(laughter)

WE SHOULD (bleep) WITH THEM!"

SO I GET COMPLETELY NAKEDAND LAY ON THE FLOOR

WHILE KEVIN POURS DRY CAT FOODALL OVER ME.

I'M GOING, "I'M A GOOD KITTY!I'M A GOOD KITTY!"

AND WHEN JIM AND MARY WALKEDTHROUGH THE DOOR I WENT--

(hisses)

AND I MADE MARY CRY,AND IT MADE ME FEEL GREAT!

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY.THANKS A LOT, FOLKS!

I KNOW IT WILL BE DIFFICULTFOR SOME OF YOU

BECAUSE I AM, INDEED,SCRUFFY.

I'M A MESSY LITTLE BOY,AND WHEN I MEET SOMEBODY NEW

I USUALLY HAVE TO SAYFIVE INTELLIGENT THINGS

IN CONVERSATIONBEFORE THEY TREAT ME

LIKE I'M NOTMENTALLY RETARDED.

NUMBER SIX, I GET TO TAKETHE CORK OFF OF MY FORK.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT THERE'SNO REASON

TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT THERE'SNOW BEEN A SEA CHANGE.

AND THE TREATMENT THAT PEOPLELIKE ME HAVE RECEIVED

SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME SHOULDNOW GO TO PEOPLE

WHO WEAR BUSINESS SUITSAND DRIVE BIG FLASHY CARS.

'CAUSE, LOOK, I KNOWI SCREWED MY JOB UP BEFORE.

SOMETIMES I SHOW UP DRUNK.

SOMETIMES I TELL JOKESTHAT AREN'T APPROPRIATE

FOR MY ENVIRONS.

(laughter)

BUT I HAVE NEVER SCREWEDMY JOB UP SO BADLY

THAT THE GOVERNMENTHAD TO BAIL ME OUT

WITH $750 BILLION DOLLARS!!

(cheers and applause)

NEXT TIME YOU SEE A DUDEIN A SUIT WALK BY,

KICK HIM IN HIS ASS!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D BE WILLING TO LET RICH FOLKSHAVE ANOTHER GO

IF I THOUGHT THE NEXT GENERATIONWAS GONNA BE ANY BETTER.

IF THEIR KIDS ARE RUNNINGAROUND DRESSED LIKE HIPPIES,

MAKING PEACE SIGNS,BE LIKE, YEAH, MAN.

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS,BUT THEIR CHILDREN AREN'T.

THEIR CHILDREN DRESSLIKE GANGSTER RAPPERS

FOR SOME REASON WHICH,BY THE WAY,

THERE'S NOTHING WRONGWITH DOING

IF YOU ARE INDEEDA GANGSTER WRAPPER!!

(laughter)

BUT IF YOU'RE SOME RICHLITTLE PUNK,

YOU CAN'T DRESSLIKE A GANGSTER RAPPER!

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOLUS ALL INTO THINKING?

LIKE, "OH, MY, LOOK,A CRIP HAS MOVED

INTO THE BASEMENTOF THAT MANSION, HMM."

(laughter)

HOW ODD.

YOU KNOW WHY RICH KIDS DRESSLIKE GANGSTER RAPPERS?

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY WANT AN AIROF CRIMINALITY ABOUT THEMSELVES.

THEY WANT TO INTIMIDATE YOUWITH THAT LOOK.

THEY WANT TO BE ABLE TO SHOW UPTO THE MALL

AND HAVE EVERYONE GO, "OH,MY GOD. IT'S A GANGSTER RAPPER!

RUN! HIDE!ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN!"

KID, YOU WANT TO DRESSLIKE A REAL CRIMINAL?

DRESS LIKE YOUR DAD.

(laughter and applause)

DUDES IN SUITS HAVE DONEFAR WORST CRIMES

THAN A GANGSTER RAPPERCOULD EVER DREAM OF!

I GUARANTEE YOU A LOADOF GANGSTER RAPPERS

HAVE NEVER TEAMED UPAND STOLEN THE MINERAL RIGHTS

FROM A DEVELOPING COUNTRY,THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED.

THE ALBUMWOULD BE TOO LONG.

(laughter)

AND IT STARTS WITH STOPPINGINDOCTRINATING YOUR CHILDREN

INTO IMPLICITLY TRUSTINGSOMEBODY

BECAUSE THEY WEAR A SUIT.

BUT YOU LIKE AT THE WAYWE TREAT LITTLE BOYS,

IN PARTICULAR,YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD, SON?

YOU PUT ON A SUIT!PEOPLE IN SUITS LOOK GOOD!

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?

(gasps)YOU BETTER PUT ON A SUIT.

WE WANT YOU AT YOUR WEDDINGIN A SYMBOL OF CORPORATE GREED.

(laughter)

YOU GETTING IN TROUBLE?(gasps)

YOU'D BETTER PUT ON A SUIT!

JUDGES LIKE PEOPLEIN SUITS!

WHY?

THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLEI KNOW

WEAR IRON MAIDEN T-SHIRTS!

(laughter and applause)

WHAT DO YOU THINKYOU WOULDA DONE

IF PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE MEHAD COST THE WESTERN WORLD

$3 TRILLION DOLLARS?

(laughter)

YOU WOULD OF KILLED US.

YOU WOULD'VE HADANOTHER HOLOCAUST.

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN LUREDONTO TRAINS

UNDER THE PROMISEOF AN AC/DC CONCERT.

(laughter)

HUDDLED IN THE SHOWERS.

AND THEN FOUND ITVERY HARD TO GAS US.

(laughter)

YEAH!

HEY, GUYS, IT'S COMINGOUT OF THESE THINGS!

BARTENDER,DON'T TURN IT OFF!

WE'RE HAVING A PAR-TAY!

ENOUGH OF THIS CYCLONE B.GIVE US THE CYCLONE A.

YOU KNOW THE GOOD STUFF.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW THIS MOVIE?OKAY, IT IS AWESOME.

PEOPLE WHO ARE CLAPPINGARE CORRECT.

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD.

IT'S FREDDYFROM "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET"

VERSUS JASON FROM "FRIDAYTHE 13TH" IN THE SAME ROOM.

WHY DID IT TAKE US THIS LONGTO PUT THEM TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

IT'S REALLY GOOD,BUT THERE'S ONE PART OF IT--

PEOPLE WHO'S SEEN IT WILLREMEMBER--

THERE'S A PART WHERE FREDDYHAS TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN KILLING A WHITE GIRLAND KILLING A BLACK GIRL,

AND FREDDY SAYS,"HOW SWEET, DARK MEAT."

AND THEN HE GOES--YEAH!

THERE'S A COLLECTIVE GROANIN THE AUDIENCE IN THE THEATER

WHEN I WATCHED IT,

LIKE PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTEDIN FREDDY KRUEGER.

(laughter)

LIKE, WE'RE OKAYWITH YOU MURDERING CHILDREN

WITH YOUR NEEDLE GLOVES.

BUT RACISM?

(laughter)

(applause)

MAKING IT VERY HARD TO CHEERFOR YOU, FREDDY KREUGER.

NOW WE WANT JASON TO WIN.

MASS MURDERING MONSTER,BUT HE'S NO BIGOT.

(laughter)

MY FAVORITE HORROR MOVIE,THOUGH,

HAS TO BE THIS MOVIE CALLED,"THE THING,"

(cheers and applause)WHICH IS--YEAH, IT'S SO GOOD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

IT'S A RESEARCH FACILITYIN THE MIDDLE OF ANTARCTICA,

AND THEN (bleep) GOES DOWN.

HORROR MOVIE.(bleep) GOES DOWN.

AND TOWARDS THE ENDOF THE MOVIE--

I'M NOT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY,TRUST ME--

TOWARDS THE END OF THE MOVIETHERE ARE THREE PEOPLE LEFT,

AND THEY HAVE TO TRYAND DECIDE

WHETHER THEY'RE GONNATRY AND ESCAPE

OR BURN THE WHOLE PLACE DOWNTO MAKE SURE

THAT THE MONSTERDOESN'T GET OUT, YOU KNOW?

AND I WAS WATCHING THE MOVIEWITH MY WIFE,

AND HE LOOKED AT MEAND SHE WAS LIKE,

"WHAT WOULD YOU DOIN THAT SITUATION?

"WOULD YOU TRY AND SURVIVE

OR WOULD YOU SACRIFICE YOURSELFFOR THE REST OF HUMANITY?"

NEVER GONNA BEIN THAT SITUATION.

(laughter)

I'M NEVER GONNA BEONE OF THE LAST GUYS ALIVE.

I'M GONNA BETHE FIRST GUY TO DIE.

I DIE RIGHT AWAY.

I DIE SO THE OTHER CHARACTERSGET TO FIND OUT

THAT SOMETHING WEIRD'SGOING ON.

(laughter)

(applause)

I'M ON THE AUTOPSY TABLE20 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE.

"HIS HEART IS MISSING!"I'M THAT GUY.

I'M THE SETUP.

I BRIDGE ACTS ONE AND TWO.

I GO OFF ALONETO FIND THE CAT.

(laughter)

"THERE'S A WEIRD NOISEIN THIS CORNER.

I MUST INVESTIGATE.AH!"

DEATH.

I NEVER EVEN FIND OUTTHAT THERE WERE MONSTERS.

TO ME,THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE WAS,

WE'RE AT A RESEARCH FACILITY,AND THE CAT'S MISSING.

THE END.

(laughter and applause)

"FIND THE CAT."

THAT'S WHATTHIS MOVIE'S ABOUT.

OH, SHORT MOVIE IT WAS.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE ARETOO STUPID TO HAVE OPINIONS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, THEY HAVEN'T EARNEDTHAT RIGHT?

I WAS RAISED MUSLIM.THIS GUY WAS NEVER MUSLIM.

LIKE HE'S WHITE, AMERIC--YOU KNOW, HE WAS NOT--

I THINK I'VE EXPLAINEDNON-MUSLIM ENOUGH.

I THINK YOU GUYS KNOW.

IMAGINE A MUSLIM,AND THEN IMAGINE NOT.

THAT WAS THIS GUY.

SO STUPID PEOPLE--WE WERE TALKING ABOUT

THE GENDER INEQUALITYIN SAUDI ARABIA, YOU KNOW,

AND HE LOOKED AT ME--I SWEAR, HE LOOKED AT ME,

AND HE WAS LIKE, "IT'S NOTREALLY THEIR FAULT, KUMAIL.

THE KORAN SAYSWOMEN CAN'T DRIVE."

(laughter)

PRETTY (bleep) SURETHE KORAN NEVER SAID THAT.

'CAUSE IF THE KORANHAD SAID THAT, 1,400 YEARS AGO,

I WOULD BE AT THE MOSQUERIGHT NOW.

(laughter)

AND SO WOULD ALL OF YOU.

IF 1,400 YEARS AGO,THE KORAN WAS LIKE,

"SOMEDAY THERE WILL BEA METALLIC BOX

"THAT WILL CARRY YOU EVERYWHERE,AND YOU'LL HAVE A THING

"TO CONTROL ITAND HAVE FOUR WHEELS

"AND YOU PUT GAS IN IT AND TELLYOU HOW FAST YOU'RE GOING

AND WOMENSHOULDN'T DRIVE IT."

I WOULD BE LIKE,I KNOW TWO THINGS FOR SURE.

ISLAMIS THE ONE TRUE RELIGION

AND WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE.

(laughter and applause)

I'M GLAD YOU GUYS LAUGHEDAT THAT 'CAUSE OTHERWISE,

IT JUST SOUNDS LIKEA TERRIBLE SPEECH I'M GIVING.

ISLAM ISTHE ONE TRUE RELIGION!

WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE!

THAT BRANDON WALSH WAS DOINGWITH THE FAKE MUSTACHE,

I'VE DONEWITH THE REAL ONE.

(laughter)

AND IT FEELS BETTERWHEN IT'S REAL.

I DIDN'T KNOWTHERE'D BE A BALCONY.

A LOT OF MY JOKES,THEY GO LOW.

(laughter)

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE,NEW YORK CITY.

THIS IS NICE.

(cheers and applause)

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF--

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BEENMENTIONED YET,

I HAVEN'T HEARD IT,BUT LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT IT.

THERE'S AN EXIT THERE.

EXIT THERE.

EXIT, EXIT, EXIT,EXIT, EXIT.

THERE'S A MAPIF THINGS GET TRICKY.

(laughter)

I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

WE CAN'T ALL BE HEROES,ALL RIGHT?

AND DON'T LOOK AT METO DO ANYTHING HEROIC.

I KNOW I KINDA LOOK LIKEI SHOULD BE ABLE TO,

BUT MY BACK IS OUT RIGHT NOW

AND I HAVE ASTIGMATISMSO DON'T LOOK TO--

I'M NOT GONNA DO (bleep)IF IT GETS CRAZY.

NOW, I USED TO THINKTHAT I COULD BE A HERO.

I USED TO WANT TO,BUT AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER,

I'VE REALIZED THERE'SLESS AND LESS PEOPLE

THAT I WANT TO SAVE.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,AND IF I DID HAVE KIDS,

I DON'T KNOWIF I WOULD REALLY SAVE THEM

IN THAT KIND OF A SITUATION.

FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD,

THEY'RE A LITTLE TRICKYAND OVERRATED.

(laughter)

LIKE IF THERE WAS A FIREAND I HAD THREE KIDS IN THERE,

I DON'T KNOWWHICH ONE I WOULD SAVE.

WHAT IF--YOU CAN'T SAVE THEM ALL.

SOMEONE'S FEELINGSARE DEFINITELY GONNA BE HURT.

WHAT IF YOU SAVED THE KIDTHAT STARTED THE FIRE?

NOW YOU'RE LIVINGWITH AN ARSONIST.

THAT'S NOTHING--THAT'S NOTHINGI WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN.

(laughter)

I USED TO ALWAYS WANT TO BETHE FIRST PERSON

AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT.

LIKE, IF THERE WAS A CAR CRASH,I WANT TO GET THERE.

BUT NOW, IF I THINK I'M GONNABE THE FIRST ONE THERE,

I'LL STOP FOR COFFEE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE.

AND IF I DO GET THERE,AND SOMEONE'S LIKE, "HELP!"

I'LL BE LIKE, "IT LOOKS LIKETHE TRAFFIC'S STARTING

TO PICK UP PAST YOU,THE FLOW'S GOING."

LOOK HOW TALL I AM.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO INA LITTLE CAR THAT'S CRUMPLED UP?

I CAN'T DO--IF I CLIMB IN THERE,I'M GONNA GET STUCK.

NOW THERE'S TWO PEOPLE STUCKIN THE CAR.

I NEED THE JAWS OF LIFE TO GETOUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

WHAT AM I GONNA DOIF I'M STUCK IN THERE?

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "CUT THE SHEET.JUST CUT THE SHEET.

(laughter)

"I WANT MY TOES UP.

"IF THEY'RE LIKE THAT,I CAN'T SLEEP.

GOTTA UP TO BREATHE."

(laughter)

I'VE ALSO REALIZEDTHAT EVERYTHING

THAT CAN SAVE OUR LIVESIS BEHIND GLASS.

WHAT GOOD IS THAT?

IT'S LIKE, "BREAK THE GLASS!GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER."

NOW YOU'RE FIGHTING A FIREWITH BLOODY KNUCKLES.

THAT DOESN'T SEEMVERY PRODUCTIVE,

AND THEN YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO STAY LOW DURING A FIRE.

NOW YOU'RECRAWLING THROUGH GLASS.

I DON'T WANNA DO THAT.

YOU GET SHARDS IN YOUR KNEES,NOT WORTH IT.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE IF A FIREEXTINGUISHER WAS IN A PIñATA

THEN I'D BE MORE INCLINEDTO FIGHT A FIRE.

IT'S LIKE,"GET THAT PIñATA! FIRE!"

THEN YOU'D JUST CRAWLTHROUGH CANDY.

IF IT MELTS, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.MELTED CHOCOLATE.

KNOW WHAT ELSEIS BEHIND GLASS?

DEFIBRILLATORS.

IT'S LIKE, "BREAK THE GLASS!GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR.

"GET YOUR HEART PUMPINGSO YOU CAN PUMP THE BLOOD

OUT OF YOUR KNUCKLE."

(laughter)

DEFIBRILLATORS ARE THE THINGSWHERE THE PARAMEDICS

JUST HOOK IT TO YOUR HEARTAND SHOCK IT.

AND YOUR HEART'S JUST LIKE,"OH, (bleep) SORRY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WASTHINKING,

"BUT, PLEASE, DON'T PUT THEJUMPER CABLES ON THERE AGAIN.

NOTHING--THAT'S GOTTABE WORSE THAN DEATH."

(laughter)

AND THE PICTUREOF THE DEFIBRILLATOR

IS JUST A HEART WITHA LIGHTNING BOLT THROUGH IT.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

A LIGHTNING BOLT HITTINGANYTHING IS NEVER A GOOD THING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE GET HITWITH A LIGHTNING BOLT

AND JUST GO, "OH, (bleep) IT.THAT'S BETTER.

I'M UP.LET'S DO THAT (bleep) AGAIN."

AND YOU HAVE SECONDS TO LIVE.

AND WHOEVER INVENTED THIS THINGGAVE IT FIVE SYLLABLES.

(laughter)

DOESN'T THAT KINDA DEFEATTHE PURPOSE OF A RUSH JOB?

IF I INVENTED THIS THING,YOU KNOW WHAT I NAME IT?

"THAT."

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?""THAT SUCKER! SHOCK IT!"

"YOU MEAN, THE DEFIB--"

"PLEASE,DON'T SAY THE WHOLE THING.

I'LL BE DEADBEFORE YOU GET TO ER-R-R."

(laughter)

AND WHY DID THEY HAVETO CALL IT DEFIBRILLATOR?

SHOULDN'T THEY AT LEAST CALL ITDEFIBRIL-NOW?

DOESN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE?"YOU NEED THE DEFIBRILLATOR?"

"NO, NOW. DEFIBRIL-NOW.DEFIBRIL-RIGHT NOW."

I'LL ADD WORDS IF IT INCREASESTHE SENSE OF URGENCY.

(laughter)

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THATA LOT LATELY.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "DONATE ORGANSONCE YOU'RE DEAD.

PEOPLE NEED THEM."

I'M DEAD.

THEY DIDN'T WORK,ALL RIGHT?

(laughter)

I'M NOT GONNA GIVE ANYONEMY BROKEN-DOWN ORGAN.

IT'S LIKE,HERE, TRY THIS (bleep)

IT DIDN'T SEEMTO WORK WITH ME.

THE CLIMATE WAS CLEARLY OFFMAYBE YOU GOT A BETTER SHELF.

(laughter)

I'M ALSO TALL.

SO I FEEL MY ORGANS ARE GONNA BEBAGGY ON WHOEVER I GIVE 'EM TO.

IT'S LIKE, DUDE,HERE'S MY KIDNEY AND A BELT.

(laughter)

SECURE IT.KEEP IT TIGHT.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY AIRGETTING IN THERE.

AND WHAT IF YOU GETTO THE AFTERLIFE

AND YOU FIND OUT YOU NEEDAN ORGAN YOU DONATED?

YOU'LL FEEL LIKEA REAL (bleep)HOLE.

IT'S LIKE,"LOOK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

CAN'T, GAVE MY EYESTO SOME LADY IN HOBOKEN.

"AT LEAST DRINK THE NECTAR."

THERE'S NECTAR?"YEAH, DRINK IT."

CAN'T. KIDNEY.GAVE IT TO SOME GUY IN PHOENIX.

"AT LEAST PULL YOUR PANTS UP.YOU'RE IN HEAVEN."

CAN'T, BELT WENTWITH THE (bleep) KIDNEY.

(laughter)

AND WHAT IF YOU GIVEYOUR ORGANS

TO AN (bleep)WHO KILLS SOMEBODY?

YOU KEPT HIM ALIVE.NOW YOU'RE AN ACCOMPLICE.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

YOU'RE UP IN HEAVEN,THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"I HAD A GREAT LIFE."

"NO, YOUR DNA'S ALL OVERA CRIME SCENE IN PHOENIX."

(laughter)

KIDNEY. KIDNEY.

WHAT'D HE DO?

"KILLED SOMEONE WITH A BELT."

(laughter)

I ALSO--I'M NOT GONNA GIVEMY ORGANS TO ANYONE

UNLESS I MEET THEM FIRST.

I JUST--THAT'S HOW I LIVE.IT'S LIKE, YOU WANT MY EYES?

YEAH.WHAT DO YOU FOR A LIVING?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNABE LOOKING AT?"

"I WORK FOR PLAYBOY."OH, (bleep) IT. TAKE 'EM NOW.

(laughter)

JUST TAKE ONE. YOU TAKE ONE.I'LL KEEP ONE.

WE'LL LOOK AT THE PROOF SHEETLIKE PIRATES.

(laughter)

LADIES, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCHYOU CAN GET FOR YOUR EGGS?

$15,000.

I DON'T KNOW WHY ANY OF YOUARE WORKING, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE A BAKER'S DOZENA YEAR.

YOU'D HAVE A NEW HOUSE,PORSCHE, TRAMPOLINE.

ALL THE (bleep) YOU LOVE.

(laughter)

YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,"WHOA, NEW JOB?"

NO, EGGS!

THEY'RE HARD TO GET TO,BUT ONCE YOU DO,

EACH ONE'S LIKE AN EASTER EGGFILLED WITH CASH.

BUT THEY BASE IT ON BEAUTY,INTELLIGENCE AND ATHLETICISM.

SO DON'T THINK YOU'RE ALL GONNAGO GET 15 GRAND.

PLAY CATCH,ANSWER SOME TRICK QUESTIONS,

TRY AND KICK A FIELD GOAL.

(laughter)

SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVESCRAMBLED EGGS

OR HUEVOS RANCHEROS,ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT SAYINGTHEY'RE ALL FABERGé

OR CADBURY, ALL RIGHT?

(laughter)

SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVESOME RECALLED (bleep).

I DON'T KNOW THE RULES.

I JUST REPORTWHAT I READ IN... A BOOK.

(laughter)

I KNOW A LOT OF YOUARE BUMMED OUT,

LIKE, "AH, (bleep) MAN.

I WOULD'VE LIKED TO HAVEHAD A KID WITH THIS GUY."

(laughter)

LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE THREE KIDSAND THERE'S A FIRE.

(laughter)

BUT I DON'T WANT KIDS'CAUSE I'M TALL,

AND MY BACK BUT I JUST ALWAYSFEEL LIKE THE FIRST TIME

I LIFT THE KID,I'LL LIFT HIM

RIGHT INTO A CEILING FANAND DECAPITATE HIM.

(laughter)

I'LL BE LIKE, "HONEY, I TOLD YOUI DIDN'T WANT TO LIFT

"THAT LITTLE (bleep).

"I TOLD YOU TO KEEP HIM LOWWHERE NOTHING'S SPINNING.

"I COULDN'T CHILD-PROOF

A PROPELLER WHENIT WAS SPINNING."

CAN'T PUT RUBBER ON THAT.DOESN'T MATTER.

STILL TAKE THE HEAD OFF.

(laughter)

YOU GOT MORE EGGS.WHIP UP ANOTHER KID OMELET.

(laughter)

HOLD THE ONIONS.LAST ONE CRIED LIKE A BABY.

(laughter)

I GOT A FRIEND, HE'S LIKE,"JUST GET A VASECTOMY, MAN.

"YOU DON'T WANT KIDS?JUST QUITE BITCHIN' ABOUT IT.

"GET A VASECTOMY.SNIP, SNIP.

JUST CUT THE WIRES.NO BIG DEAL."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BIG DEAL,SNIPPIN'--

SNIPPING' (bleep) WIRES.

(laughter)WHAT IF YOU CUT THE RED ONE

AND MY (bleep)EXPLODES LIKE "HURT LOCKER"?

(laughter)

I'LL BE LIKE, "DOC, MAN,I WONDERED WHY

IT WAS SO QUITE IN HEREAND EVERYONE WAS DRESSED

LIKE THEY WERE TRAININGGERMAN SHEPHERDS.

THEN HE'S LIKE, "NO,WE JUST TIE IT IN A KNOT.

JUST A (bleep) KNOT.NO BIG DEAL."

(laughter)

(bleep) KNOT,THAT STILL SOUNDS

LIKE KIND OF A BIG DEALTO ME.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY SHOELACESI'VE HAD TO CUT

AND THROW SHOES AWAY 'CAUSEI CAN'T GET A KNOT OUT?

NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUTA (bleep) KNOT.

WHAT IF I HAVE TO PEE?GOTTA GET THE KNOT OUT.

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO,MAN, IT'S JUST... A KNOT.

DOCTOR TIES A KNOT.WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS WHATIF THE DOCTOR

IS AN AMAZING SAILORAND TIES, LIKE,

THE MOST AMAZING CLOVE HITCH INTHE HISTORY OF (bleep) KNOTS?

THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BEA SLIP KNOT, DOC?

"NO, SAW THIS KNOT. (bleep) IT.TRIED IT. YOU'RE (bleep)."

TO TALK ABOUT.

I JUST WANT TO TALKABOUT EXIT ROWS FOR A SECOND

BECAUSE I WILL DO ANYTHINGFOR AN EXIT ROW.

I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

IF THERE'S A SHORT PERSONIN THE EXIT ROW,

I'LL PUT DRUGS ON HIM.

I NEED THE EXIT ROW,ALL RIGHT.

BEING THIS TALL IS A HANDICAPON AN AIRPLANE, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T ASK FOR THE EXIT ROWBECAUSE I WANNA BE A HERO.

I WANT IT BECAUSEI JUST NEED IT, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBON A PLANE

THAT YOU NEVER GET TOPRACTICE ONCE.

AND YET THEY PUT A LOTOF PRESSURE ON YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE, "CAN YOU OPEN THISDOOR IF WE CRASH?

CAN YOU OPEN THIS DOORIF WE HIT THE GROUND?"

IT REALLY DEPENDS ON HOW HARDWE HIT THE GROUND, MA'AM.

I MEAN, IF WE HIT REALLY HARDAND THERE'S A BIGGER HOLE

THAN THE DOORI'M SUPPOSED TO OPEN,

MAYBE I'LL GO OUTWITH THE REST OF THE PLANE.

LIKE A PIXIE STICK.

IF IT OPENS,CAN I JUST GO WITH THEM,

OR DO I GOTTA STAY HEREAND WORK THIS DOOR

THAT LOOKS VERY COMPLICATED?

SHE'S LIKE, "CAN YOU DO IT?"I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

AND YOU YELLING AT MEDOESN'T REALLY HELP.

I PROBABLY CAN'T.

LIKE WHEN THEY'RE SCREAMINGIN SMOKE AND (bleep),

I PROBABLY WILL PANIC,SO, NO, I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA MOVE,ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE'CAUSE I PAID 49 BUCKS.

(bleep) IT. MY SEAT.

UH...

WHY ARE WE STILL TAKINGOUR SHOES OFF?

TEN YEARS AGOTHIS GUY FROM FRANCE

TRIED TO LIGHT HIS TOE ON FIREAND GOT SCARED

AND COULDN'T COMMITAND WAS LIKE, "OW, IT'S HURTING.

"FORGET IT.I THOUGHT IT'D BE MUCH QUICKER.

DID ANYONE SEE?"

YES,EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SAW

THAT YOU COULDN'T FINISHYOUR MISSION

AND WE'RE ALL PAYING THE PRICE,ALL RIGHT?

PART OF ME WISHES HE'D SUCCEEDEDAND JUST BLOWN HIMSELF UP,

JUST HIMSELF, IN THE BATHROOM,JUST, LIKE, HE BLEW UP.

PEOPLE'D BE LIKE,"DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT GUY

WHO BLEW UP ON THE PLANE?""YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"NOBODY KNOWS."

(laughter)

"I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

"IT DEFINITELY WASN'TA SHOE BOMB.

NO ONE'S EVER HEARDOF ANYTHING SO STUPID."

(laughter)

PART OF ME WISHESIT HAD BEEN A BRA BOMB.

JUST A HOT CHICK ON HER WAYTO VEGAS

TRIES TO LIGHT A BOOBON FIRE.

AND NOW WE ALL HAD TO TAKEOUR TOPS OFF AT THE AIRPORT.

"MA'AM YOU GOTTA TAKEYOUR TOP OFF."

"BUT I'M JUST DROPPING OFFA FRIEND."

"I DON'T GIVE A (bleep).

"YOU GET OUT OF YOUR CARAND SHOW ME YOUR TITS.

(laughter)

DON'T MAKE MECALL SECURITY."

"YOU DON'T EVEN WORK HERE?"

"NO, I'M JUSTA CONCERNED AMERICAN.

WHAT THE HELL'S IN YOUR SHIRT?SHOW ME THOSE EXPLOSIVE TIPS!"

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