Unpleasant Truths

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 06/11/2013

Amy has multiple personalities, loses it on her boyfriend and gets molested.

Yeah, I'm drinking cucumberwater right now.

I can't believe you got mea four-handed massage.

Like, I've nevereven heard of that.

That's-- that's waymore expensive

than anything I wouldget you, trust me.

I have to go, there'slike two creepies here.

Hello.Hi.

Do you guys need meto clear out of here?

Are you Amy?Yeah.

You have a four-handedmassage, yes?

We're your therapists.

I'm Noel.I'm Gunth.

( both )Namaste.

Would you excuseme, just...

One minute?

Hi, I'm--I'm sorry.

Do you have any femaletherapists available?

I think I just assumedthey'd be women.

No women today.

All of our ladytherapists

are home withperiod cramps.

They synchronizetheir cycles.

But you're infor a real treat.

Before we getstarted,

are there any injureswe should know about?

No, nothing I canthink of.

You have no problemswith your shoulders,

tummy, booty...No.

Elbows, ankles,ta-ta's?

None ofthose things.

Everything's okay.

We'll just give youa moment to disrobe.

How much shouldI take off?

Everything.

We wanna touchall of your skin.

( quietly )All, my skin...

We'll be backin just a minute.

Okay.

( knocking )

Are you naked yet?No.

Wonderful,we're coming in.Jesus!

Nice.

Nice what?

I was talkingto Gunth.

He's doinga wonderful job.

Are you tight?

You seemreally tight.

Are you feeling tight?

Okay, are you talking tome or each other right now?

( chuckling )

Okay...

Now we're gonna jamon your lower body.

Crazy.

Her legs areexactly the same.

Okay, what areyou talking about?

Your legs.

Oh.

They're the exactsame as our niece's.

Okay, I'm reallyhaving trouble relaxing.

Would you guys mindjust not talking?

Maybe like justputting on some music?

Of course...we're sorry.

( chanting )Omm...

Guys, guys...

Guys, I know that'sjust you singing.

We're not singing.

We're not.

( chanting stops )

Oh, sorry.

Take anotherdeep breath.

Okay, you have a severeknot in this muffin top

and we're gonnawork it out.

Okay, how many handsare on me right now?

Shh...

( chuckling )

Well, can I just sayI love it here

and I definitely wannabe your housemate.

Awesome,great, um...

I do need to warnyou about one thing.

So you haven't metAmy yet, she's great.

She does havea boyfriend

who comes over alot and they fight.

Oh, well, all couplesfight, I think.

Uh, it's crazy,it's really shocking

the things thatthey say to each other.

( voices approaching )All your thoughts are...

Here we go.

...from elderly people,from old people, yeah.

You know what you are,you're a poop person.

I'm a poop person?

God poopedin his hand,

threw it at earthand you're that poop.

Oh, our Lord and Saviorpoops in His hand?

You know what, I hopeyou have to sneeze like...

and it just doesn'thappen for you.

I hope that you getstuck in traffic lights

and you just missthe green one!

( gasping )

I hope that the next timethat you go to a wedding

you're wearing thesame dress as someone else

and it becomes thejoke of the night.

You have to takepictures with that person.

Well, I hope that next time youwatch an episode of "Homeland"

that the DVR cuts out before yousee scenes from the next week

so to find outwhat happened

you have to justlike ask around the office

or look online likea homeless person!

And I hope that the nexttime you go to a concert

that the band doesn't playthe song you wanna hear

and instead, they just playsongs off their new album!

Oh, God!

Or like a jam sessionor something...

I think we might needto call the police.

Katia, get in here,he's lost his damn mind!

Whoa, Oh, my God,Oh, my God.

David, putthat down.

David, thisisn't you.

You don't wannado this.

( screaming )

( crying )

You need to leaveright now.

Is that whatyou want, Amy?

What I want,

is for you to accidentallysit on your cell phone.

And I want you to touchfour P's in a row

to someone you haven'ttalked to in a long time.

You know what-- I hope the nexttime that you take a shower

the shower curtainclings to you

and no matter what you do,you can't get it off you.

You can get it off you,but for the rest of the day,

you never reallyfeel clean!

Get out!

Get out!

He's sick.

Get out!

And I'm not comingback here ever.

Unless thisblows over.

( sobbing )

It's over now, okay?

He almost wentso insane...

I know.

There was amoment there.

Hey, this is Karen.

She might movein with us.

Hi.

You didn't even tellme you're moving out,

you dumb ( bleep )?

I'm sorry you guys,this is my boyfriend.

You know what?

You're the ( bleep )!

y don't you getyour ( bleep )

out of your( bleep )!

Why don't you get the( bleep ) out of your ears

and get your skank-ass

and get the rest ofyour ( bleep ) out here.

You know what,I hope you rot in hell

after you watch every singleperson you love die.

You are a white trashpiece of ( bleep ).

You are the reason why yourstepmother killed herself.

Oh, my God!

Get back here.

You are a ( bleep )( bleep ) ( bleep ).

She's great.

She's so cool.

Yeah, she'sreally nice.

for coming in today.

Uh, group therapy, I know it canmake men a little uncomfortable.

But I guarantee you

your communicationskills will improve.

Well, why don't westart with you, David.

Um, okay.

So I know Lisa--that's my wife.

Um... she thinks we justhit a bump in our marriage

but the thingis, um...

for the lastfew years

I've had a secretfamily in Tampa.

It sounds bad.

David, there areno judgments here.

That must bevery painful

for you to havea secret from your wife.

It's the worst.

Have you given anythought to a remedy?

Well, yeah, I wasthinking, um...

maybe going on a sunset boatride for our anniversary?

Take her out inthe open ocean,

drug her,

throw her in thewater so she drowns.

Okay, okay,okay, okay.

How do we-- uh, what do--how 'bout we say for now

that you do nothing?

Well, it's not fora couple months.

Okay, good, so...

So don't do anything--do nothing.

Uh, and, uh, Ben.

Do you have a share?

My deal is a few monthsago I told my wife

I was going ona business trip.

But in truth,

I went on a two-month sextour of sub-Sahara Africa.

So that.

How do you feel?

How do you feel aboutthat, how do you feel?

Honestly... great.

That was the best trip I evertook in my life, hands down.

If you ever getthe chance to go...

Really?Go.

Is it expensive?

Yeah, it's crazyexpensive...

Okay, okay, well,that'll be interesting

for us to researchon our own.

Oh, yeah, all right, so,

as a result ofmy trip now

I'm in a ton of debt.

I'm hiding itfrom Karen

and I just don't even knowhow to bring it up to her.

That's a difficultconversation to have.

Maybe we couldall brainstorm

some solutionstogether.

Oh, well, I was kinda morethinking, you know,

probably just chop herup in little pieces

and drain herbank account.

Okay, uh, youknow what,

I wanna just pausehere, uh...

Um, first of all,

no one feel any pressure tounload everything... today.

It's the first day.

And then also, um, maybeas a group we can...

we can come upwith, uh...

with a solutionto Ben's issues

that don't involvehim murdering Karen.

Um... he can hiresomebody to kill Karen?

Oh.

Great, okay.

I didn't eventhink of that.

Um, you know what--how about...

Let's all worktogether here

and come up withsome solutions,

uh... where wecan keep Karen

alive.

Alive...Alive.

Oh, what ifI bury her alive?

Okay, that-- no.

Just kind of likemeeting halfway.

At the end of that,she would still be dead.

Sebastian...

Sebastian, we haven'theard from you, yet.

So, I've been playingfantasy football

with this same group ofguys for years now.

But, uh, my wife,Darflin, she nags me

for spending somuch time on it.

I just wish she couldunderstand that that's just

time I'm using tolike zone out.

Have you triedexpressing to your wife

that's just time that youneed to decompress?

I don't know.

But, and the otherpart of it is

last weekend I fucked all theguys in the fantasy league

and I never usedany protection

like... at all.

And... we dideverything.

Um, you are, uh,I think you're putting

Darfla's healthat stake.

It's Darflin.

Darflin's healthat stake.

You're kind of obligatedto tell her.

I know that on paper, that--that's the right thing to do

but you just have no ideahow high-strung she is.

I really think thebest thing to do

is just sneak up behindher and break her neck.

Okay, okay.

Is it really easierto kill her

than it would beto just talk to her?

Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.

Well, yeah, 'causeI think, if I, if I,

if I told her it wouldprobably kill her anyway.

Babe, are youready or what?

I told you 8:00.

Yeah, but I'mhungry now.

Ten minutes.

Can't we justwrap it up?

Go to the car.

How much longercan these guys

talk abouttheir feelings.

Get in thefucking car.Let's go.

You get in the car.

Chop, chop,come on.Close the door.

Close the door.

( door shuts )

I'm so sorry aboutthat everyone.

Sometimes, I don'tknow what to do.

Well, you could slowly poisonhim over time or something.

Yeah, it'll just looklike he got sick.Yeah.

Or-- off of whatDavid just said,

uh, you go on ahiking trip, right?

Then when hefalls asleep,

you shoot himwith a gun

that you got offthe Mexican internet.

They have theirown internet?

Yeah, it's mostlyjust for guns.

But, uh... it'suntraceable.

It's not hard, I got thenumber if you want it.

Yeah, I'd lovethe number.

So Kenny, youare an ex-cop

and you're nowa bodyguard.

Correct.

I know you because I usedto open for Jim NortonRight.

and you are right nowhis bodyguard.

Yeah.

Uh, how long wereyou in the force?

I was a copfor 25 years.

I was a correctionsofficer before that

in a state prison.

What prison?

The same prison whereStallone filmed "Lock Up."

Why are you saying that likeit's so cool, like who cares?

Do you have agun right away?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you goto the police academy.

You graduate.

They give youa gun and a badge.

I mean, are theresome just like

straight-up retardsin the academy

that you can't evenbelieve they have a gun?

Um, there's an interestinggroup of people.

Of cops, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonnaname three races.

You tell me, whodid it, okay?

All right.

It's like a Jewish guy.

Half-- he's halfJewish, half Latino

and one guy is halfIrish, half Puerto Rican

and then the otherguy is Black.

Who did it?

The guilty person.

It was theJewish guy.

I-- I don't--you know,

I need to know thefacts before I act.

I just gaveyou the facts.Okay.

It was a Jew.Okay.

Um, if I were towanna become a cop

how long wouldit take me

from today towhen I got a gun?

You gotta pass thebackground investigation.

Do you knowmy priors?

Shoplifting, right?

Yeah, canI have a felony?

No, no crimesof moral turpitude.

Crime of moralturpitude?

Yeah.

What's somethingthat people

should know aboutcops that they don't?

Well, I don't know,it's a thankless job.

A lot of peopledon't realize that.

Everybody loves firemen,they hate cops.

What about you,do you love firemen?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don'tdo fire.

I'm scared of fire.

What are youscared of?

I don't likescary movies.

I remember one time--you know that movie "Se7en?"

I do know that movie.

That's nota scary movie.

That's just likean action movie.

And I remember,I watched it, you know,

on my night offby myself one night.

And afterwards, I had totake my dog out for a walk

and I had to bringmy gun and a flashlight

And then once I was outthere walking my dog

I was mad at myself thatI didn't bring my big gun.

So on your night offdo you usually

just watch a Brad Pittmovie by yourself?

That was backin 1995...

He was hot then,he was hot then.Yeah, yeah.

You know who wouldplay a great fireman?

Who, Brad Pitt?Brad Pitt.

That's right.

How many Asian guyshave you ever arrested?

Mmm...

You never kept trackof the Asians?

No, I liketheir food.

How often do yousay the "N" word?

I've used iton occasion.

Oh, my God, Kenny.

Denzel...( chuckling )

What about Denzel?

...got an Academy awardin "Training Day"

for using that word.

Okay, but you werenot in that movie

and you arenot Denzel.

Exactly.

Kenny...What?

If you were trapped

on a desert island withone actor, who would it be?

You.

No, it has tobe a guy.

If it were guy?

Why, why a guy?

It's not--that's the game.

I don't play games.

( laughing )Oh, my God.

Have you ever seenBenjamin Button?

That movie withBrad Pitt?

Oh, I didn't even rememberif Brad Pitt was in it

but you obviously did.

Yeah, isn't that whenhe's like, uh...

goes from oldto young?

Yeah.

Did you-- at the endof the movie were--

was that yourfavorite part?Never seen it.

But I seen the"Tree of Life."

( laughing )

Uh, what are your mainjobs as a bodyguard?

Well, I got a couplemain clients now.

I work for TheOpie and Anthony

Radio Show everymorning.Mm-hmm.

And I travel with acomedian now, Jim Norton.

Um, what happens if--

if as a bodyguardyou call in sick?

Are you just like, sorry,good luck out there.

Luckily, I, uh, never getincapacitated, you know.

And if I get the snifflesI just deal with it and...

Get the sniffles?

Yeah, and um...

Even when I wasa cop, like,

I had a very goodattendance record.

If you're not early,you're not on time.

You are so awful.

All right, thank youso much for coming in.

It was an honor.

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