Gabriel, Helms, Donohue,Torry

  • Season 6, Ep 603
  • 11/02/2002

PROOFING HIS HOME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

YOU KNOW HE'S GOING AROUND

PUTTING LITTLE COVERS OVER

THE ELECTRICAL OUTLETS AND

ALL THAT STUFF.

AND I'M LIKE, "HOW KIDS GONNA

LEARN ABOUT ELECTRICITY, HUH?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE EVEN PUT LITTLE RUBBER

BUMPERS ON THE SHARP EDGES OF

THE TABLETOPS AND EVERYTHING.

LITTLE BUMPERS.

SO NOW YOU GO OVER THERE AND THE

KIDS JUST RUN AROUND ALL DAY.

SO WHAT I DO, I'M WALKING

AROUND.

I SNEAK AROUND AND SLIP THOSE

LITTLE BUMPERS OFF.

AND THEN I GIVE THE KIDS CANDY.

YEAH, A COUPLE OF, "HEY,

WHY DON'T Y'ALL SIT DOWN FOR

A MINUTE?"

THEY DON'T LISTEN.

THEY CAN TURN ONE OF THOSE

CORNERS, BAM!

UH-HUH.

SEE, STITCHES ALL SLOW YOU DOWN,

WON'T IT.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, M

AND I WAS WATCHING THIS

CHEERLEADING COMPETITION,

WHEN I RAN OUTTA PORN.

AND THE GIRLS IN THE

COMPETITION, THEY KEPT MAKING

LETTERS WITH THEIR BODIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY'D BE LIKE, "GIMME AN A."

HERE'S MY POINT.

(LAUGHTER)

WE ARE THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE

WORLD THAT DOES THAT.

IT'S TRUE.

OTHER COUNTRIES ARE NOT HIP

TO THAT CONCEPT.

YOU NEVER SEE A JAPANESE

CHEERLEADER GOING, "GIVE ME A

SAKE!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

I MOVED DOWN THERE ABOUT A YEAR

AGO.

(CHEERS)

RIGHT ON.

THANKS.

THANKS.

RIGHT ON.

WEST SIDE.

I MOVED FROM SAN FRANCISCO AND--

(CHEERS)

RIGHT ON.

MORE, MORE WEST SIDE.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU.

BEFORE I MOVED I GOT A NEW CAR.

I DID, YEAH.

I GOT ME A BRAND-NEW 1985

HONDA CIVIC.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT.

MY CAR IS OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE

NOW.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I'M FILIPINO, AND IF YOU'RE

AN ASIAN KID YOU'RE AN ASIAN KID

IN SAN FRANCISCO, HONDA CIVICS

ARE REQUIRED BY LAW, HUH?

IT'S TRUE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN

THERE BUT THAT'S WHY WE ALL GOT

THEM.

MY CIVIC IS BLACK AND THERE'S

FOUR OTHER KIDS WHO LIVE IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT

COLORED CIVICS.

AND IT'S KINDA FUN.

ON THE WEEKENDS WE ALL MEET UP

AND OUR CARS LOCK TOGETHER

TO FORM A GIANT ROBOT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

AND I FEEL WARM AND FUZZY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MONEY MAKES ME FEEL WARM AND

FUZZY BUT SINCE I DON'T HAVE ANY

I WAS GONNA HIT MY PARENTS UP

FOR SOME.

AND THEN I DECIDED, NO.

I WOULD ALWAYS RATHER FALL

FURTHER INTO MY CREDIT HELL THAN

BORROW MONEY FROM MOM AND DAD.

THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE I KNOW THAT CITIBANK IS

NEVER GONNA CALL ME UP AND GO,

"HELLO, YES, MR. GABRIEL.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR

SISTER?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES I BABY-SIT FOR EXTRA

MONEY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOME CRAZY MOM TRUSTS ME WITH

HER TWINS.

THIS MOM, SHE'S REALLY

LIBERATED.

SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

AND SHE ACTUALLY LET HER

TWIN SONS PICK THEIR OWN NAMES

WHEN THEY WERE IN FIRST GRADE.

ISN'T THAT A COOL IDEA?

I THINK IT WAS A GREAT IDEA

'CAUSE CHEWBACCA AND SKELETOR

ARE THE COOLEST KIDS YOU'VE EVER

MET.

TOTALLY LAID BACK.

I ENJOY MY FILIPINE-OSITY,

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

BUT THERE'S THIS DUMB STEREOTYPE

GOING AROUND, MAYBE YOU HEARD

IT.

LOTTA 'GRINGO'S' BEEN SHOOTIN'

THEIR MOUTHS OFF SAYIN' THAT WE

FILIPINO'S EAT DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T LAUGH AT THAT.

"CAUSE ME AND HALF THE BAND,

WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

EVEN LITTLE KIDS ARE GIVIN' ME

GUFF.

I'M BABY SITTIN' CHEWBACCA.

WE'RE WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET

LIKE THIS.

AND WE SAW ONE OF THOSE DOGS

THAT HAS THE CONE AROUND ITS

HEAD?

YOU KNOW SO IT WON'T BITE IT'S

TAIL?

LITTLE BRAT DOES, "LOOK UNCLE

DAN, FILIPINO ICE CREAM."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT

FRAZZLED.

I GOTTA TELL YA.

ON THE WAY OVER HERE I WAS

RUNNING LATE, AS USUAL.

AND I WAS SPRINTING DOWN THE

SIDEWALK AND I GOT TO THE SUBWAY

STATION AND I RUN DOWN THE

STAIRS AND I HEAR MY TRAIN

PULL UP.

LIKE, "AHHH!"

I GET THROUGH THE TURNSTILE,

I SPRINT DOWN THE STAIRS,

SPRINT DOWN THE PLATFORM, MAKE

IT TO THE TRAIN, LAST SECOND.

(PANTING)

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE DOORS DON'T CLOSE FOR

LIKE 5 MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

NO, I TOTALLY THOUGHT THE DOORS

WERE GONNA CLOSE.

THAT'S WHY I RAN.

YEAH.

BUT WE ALL FEEL LIKE LOSERS

SOMETIMES, I GUESS.

I HAD A JOB IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT

MADE ME FEEL COOL JUST 'CAUSE I

HAD THE JOB.

I WAS A LIFEGUARD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU CAN TELL BY MY PHYSIQUE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

YOU'D THINK ACTUALLY THAT SINCE

I USED TO BE A LIFEGUARD THAT I

WORK OUT OR THAT I'M ACTUALLY

A FIT GUY.

NOT TRUE.

DON'T WORK OUT.

CAN'T GET INTO THE WORK OUT

MINDSET.

MY BUDDY CHRIS IS WAY INTO

WORKING OUT.

HE'S JUST SUPER INTO IT AND HIS

BIG THING IS DOING MARATHONS

WHICH, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE CHOOSE TO RUN

26 MILES.

I CAN'T EVEN WRAP MY BRAIN

AROUND THAT IT'S SO...

I HAVE SO LITTLE DESIRE TO DO

THAT.

BUT CHRIS IS LIKE TRYING TO

EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE ITS THIS

FUN, GREAT THING.

"LIKE DUDE, IT'S TOTALLY

AWESOME.

OKAY, CHECK IT OUT.

YOU START RUNNING RIGHT AND YOU

GET TO MILE 10, OKAY?

THE ENTIRE BODY CRAMPS UP.

IT'S LIKE TOTALLY AGONY, RIGHT?

GET TO MILE 20, I (BLEEP) IN MY

PANTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GET TO THE FINISH LINE?

IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE, OKAY?

THERE'S LIKE PEOPLE DROPPIN'

LIKE FLIES AMBULANCES

EVERYWHERE.

GUY I WAS RUNNIN' WITH FOR THE

WHOLE RACE, TURNS OUT HE DIED AT

MILE 16.

FINISHED THE RACE ON ADRENALINE.

SWEAR TO GOD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT, I DO.

I WENT AND WATCHED THE NEW YORK

CITY MARATHON.

IT GOES RIGHT BY MY APARTMENT

IN BROOKLYN.

AND I WENT WITH A GROUP OF

FRIENDS AND ALL MY FRIENDS ARE

CHEERING FOR THE RUNNERS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHOO, GOOD JOB.

WAY TO GO.

KEEP IT UP.

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

IT'S A GREAT JOB."

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE YOU DON'T HAVE

TO DO THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY-- THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE A BIKE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT.

BETTER YET, COME INSIDE.

I GOT AIR CONDITIONING.

MY ROOMMATE MADE SOME GUACAMOLE.

IT'S AWESOME.

WE RENTED "MEATBALLS".

JUST COME.

YOU CAN HANG OUT TOTALLY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YA TO TAKE

A SHOWER, THOUGH BECAUSE I

NOTICED THAT YOU CRAPPED YOUR

PANTS."

BUT..

HEY, THANKS A LOT.

MOTHER'S 60th BIRTHDAY PARTY.

AND I AM BROKE.

NOW I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE BAD,

BECAUSE I HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT

OF MONEY NOW THAT I HAD WHEN

I WAS 12.

AND I'M REALLY AFRAID THAT I'M

GONNA HAVE TO MAKE HER PRESENT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS NO LONGER CUTE OR

FUNNY, IS IT?

NOW I LOVE MY MOTHER BUT MY

MOTHER HAS AN EXTREMELY WEIRD

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PHONE.

EVERY TIME THIS WOMAN CALLS ME

TWO THINGS HAPPEN: NUMBER 1,

IT'S HER LAST DAY ON EARTH.

AND NUMBER 2, SHE CAN'T FOR THE

LIFE OF HER FIGURE OUT HOW

TO HANG UP THE PHONE.

SO EVERY SINGLE CALL I GET FROM

THIS WOMAN GOES SOMETHING LIKE

THIS:

"HI, BECKY SWEETHEART.

IT'S MOMMY.

YOU BETTA COME SEE ME SOON,

I HAVE ARTHRITIS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GONNA

BE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART,

I LOVE YOU.

BYE."

AND THEN YOU ACTUALLY HEAR

THIS...

(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)

"PAUL!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER,

SWEETHEART?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST HANGING OUT WITH BECKY,

BABY.

YOU WANT CHINESE?

YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE CHINESE?

ALL RIGHT!

BABY, THERE'S NO DIAL TONE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THERE'S A GUNSHOT 'CAUSE

I HAVE KILLED MYSELF.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU

WANNA DO WHEN YOU'RE COMPLETELY,

TOTALLY BROKE?

WHAT I WANNA DO MORE THAN

ANYTHING IS DRUGS.

OKAY?

I JUST WANNA ESCAPE.

I WANNA FORGET, RIGHT?

AND ALL MY 'POT HEAD' FRIENDS,

ALL MY DRUG HEAD FRIENDS WILL

SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM

IS, BECKY?

YOU NEED TO DO BETTER DRUGS.

YOU NEED TO DO ECSTASY.

ECSTASY'S GREAT.

YOU PUT ON A FUZZY SHIRT.

YOU GET IN A ROOM WITH

GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE.

EVERYONE TOUCHES YOU, RIGHT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IF I WERE

TO DO ECSTASY I WOULD END UP

ALONE IN A CORNER HUMPING A

HOUSE PLANT FOR 5 HOURS.

(APPLAUSE)

AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE

THE HORRIBLE TALE RETOLD TO ME

BY ONE OF MY IDIOT FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY LIKE TO DO

THAT?

"I DON'T KNOW, BECKY.

EVERYBODY ELSE WAS FINE.

YOU HAD ONE LICK OF THE ECSTASY

TABLET AND YOU WERE IN THE

CORNER GOING, "HEY MR. SPIDER

PLANT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE SO SEXY.

YOU HAVE SO MANY HANDS.

YOU WANNA COME UP TO MY LOFT?

I HAVE A LOFT BED."

ANOTHER COMPLETELY HUMILIATING

EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE A LOFT BED.

A BUNK BED FOR ADULTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU

ABOUT A LOFT BED.

YOU CANNOT GET A GOOD-LOOKING

GUY SEXED UP WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO

TO A LOFT BED.

YOU CAN'T.

LIKE I MIGHT GET A GOOD-LOOKING

GUY LIKE YOU UNDER THE LOFT BED

AND THEN I HAVE TO SAY THINGS

LIKE, "BABY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

NOW JUST CLIMB THE LADDER."

"NO, NO.

WATCH YOUR HEAD.

OH, YOU FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE

LIGHT.

CAN YOU GO BACK DOWN?

CAN YOU GET ME A GLASS OF WATER?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS IS NICE!

DAMN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Y'ALL WALK TOO DAMN MUCH THOUGH.

Y'ALL SOME WALKIN' PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT JUST LIKE NORMAL WALKS,

EITHER.

LIKE YOU KNOW, A STROLL IN THE

PARK.

Y'ALL SERIOUS WITH YA WALKIN'.

YOU WALK LIKE YOU ABOUT TO WHOOP

SOMEBODY'S ASS.

I CAN'T KEEP UP.

LITTLE-OLD LADIES TRYING TO

WALK.

YOU JUST KILL THEM AND THEN WALK

RIGHT OVER THEM.

THAT'S A REALITY SHOW.

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE.

(CHUCKLES)

THEY GOT A REALITY SHOW FOR

EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'M SICK OF REALITY SHOWS, MAN.

GOLLY.

CRAZY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU WANT A REAL SURVIVAL SHOW

PUT ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.,

MICHAEL IRVING AND DARREL

STRAWBERRY IN A CRACK HOUSE

WITH ONE ROCK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND SEE WHO GETS THE ROCK.

OH, THAT'S THE SURVIVOR.

GOLLY, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S GETTING IN TROUBLE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

BUT IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD TO BE

YOU KNOW DOING MY THING, DOING

COMEDY AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT IN ALL

THE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES AND

EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I WANT TO THANK Y'ALL.

I WANT TO THANK WHITE FOLKS.

NOW BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GET MAD

AT ME BUT I WANNA THANK WHITE

FOLKS FOR COMING TO GET US ALL

THEM 400 YEARS AGO.

THANK YOU VERY DAMN MUCH, MAN.

I AIN'T MAD AT YOU NO MORE.

I LET IT GO.

LET IT GO, BLACK PEOPLE,

LET IT GO.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW?

THEY HAD US PICKIN' COTTON.

YOU AIN'T PICKED NOTHING BUT

YOUR NOSE AND YOUR BOOTIES.

(LAUGHTER)

WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.

WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE THESE

DIFFERENT RACES.

WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.

BLACK FOLKS WE CAN LEARN FROM

WHITE FOLKS.

WE DO.

WE NEED TO LEARN--

WHITE FOLKS ABOUT OUR MONEY--

WHITE FOLKS KNOW HOW TO KEEP

MONEY.

WHITE FOLKS SPEND THEY MONEY

GETTING RICH.

WE SPEND OUR MONEY TRYING TO

LOOK RICH.

WE BROKE AS HELL BUT WE LOOK

GOOD!

(LAUGHTER)

WE LOVE LOOKING GOOD.

WE LOVE DRESSING.

WE LOVE NEW SNEAKERS.

LOVE NEW SNEAKERS.

I LOVE NEW TENNIS SHOES.

WHAT IS IT WITH BLACK MEN

AND NEW DAMN TENNIS SHOES?

WHITE FOLKS DON'T EVEN CARE

ABOUT TENNIS SHOES.

THEY WEAR TENNIS SHOES TILL THEY

FALL APART.

THEY WEAR REEBOKS UNTIL THE

'R-E-E-B' FALL OFF.

SHOES JUST SAY, "OK".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS)

THEY HAPPY AS HELL, THOUGH.

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA

GOT TO INVEST YOUR MONEY,

FELLAS.

GOT TO INVEST YOUR MONEY.

YOU KNOW WE TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN

WITH FANCY CLOTHES AND NICE CARS

AND ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT'LL TURN A WOMAN

ON?

A HOUSE!

THAT'S WHAT TURNS A WOMAN ON?

A HOUSE.

BUY SOME PROPERTY.

THAT'S WHAT TURN A WOMAN ON.

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU LOOK YOU

CAN BE DUR-DUR-DUR.

"I GOTTA HOUSE."

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE SO

CUTE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M TELLING YOU.

BUY A HOUSE, MAN.

I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE.

I LOVE BEING A HOMEOWNER.

I LOVE HOME DEPOT.

THAT'S MY SPOT.

I LOVE HOME DEPOT.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

AND GOLD DIGGERS KNOW THAT NOW.

GOLD DIGGERS HAVE GOTTEN SMART.

THEY DON'T LOOK AT THE CAR

YOU DRIVE NOW, YOU KNOW?

THEY HANG OUT AT HOME DEPOT NOW.

'CAUSE THEY KNOW IF YOU'RE AT

HOME DEPOT YOU GOTTA HOME.

YOU KNOW I LOVE HOME DEPOT.

YOU SEE WOMEN IN THERE, TOO.

YOU KNOW LOOKING FOR MEN.

"OH, GIRL, OH, GIRL, THERE GO

ONE RIGHT THERE.

HE'S IN THE GARDEN SECTION.

THAT MEANS HE GOTTA YARD.

MY KIDS GOT SOME PLACE TO PLAY."

I'M GUY TORRY, Y'ALL BE GOOD.

PEACE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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