PROOFING HIS HOME.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
YOU KNOW HE'S GOING AROUND
PUTTING LITTLE COVERS OVER
THE ELECTRICAL OUTLETS AND
ALL THAT STUFF.
AND I'M LIKE, "HOW KIDS GONNA
LEARN ABOUT ELECTRICITY, HUH?"
(LAUGHTER)
HE EVEN PUT LITTLE RUBBER
BUMPERS ON THE SHARP EDGES OF
THE TABLETOPS AND EVERYTHING.
LITTLE BUMPERS.
SO NOW YOU GO OVER THERE AND THE
KIDS JUST RUN AROUND ALL DAY.
SO WHAT I DO, I'M WALKING
AROUND.
I SNEAK AROUND AND SLIP THOSE
LITTLE BUMPERS OFF.
AND THEN I GIVE THE KIDS CANDY.
YEAH, A COUPLE OF, "HEY,
WHY DON'T Y'ALL SIT DOWN FOR
A MINUTE?"
THEY DON'T LISTEN.
THEY CAN TURN ONE OF THOSE
CORNERS, BAM!
UH-HUH.
SEE, STITCHES ALL SLOW YOU DOWN,
WON'T IT.
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT, M
AND I WAS WATCHING THIS
CHEERLEADING COMPETITION,
WHEN I RAN OUTTA PORN.
AND THE GIRLS IN THE
COMPETITION, THEY KEPT MAKING
LETTERS WITH THEIR BODIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY'D BE LIKE, "GIMME AN A."
HERE'S MY POINT.
(LAUGHTER)
WE ARE THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE
WORLD THAT DOES THAT.
IT'S TRUE.
OTHER COUNTRIES ARE NOT HIP
TO THAT CONCEPT.
YOU NEVER SEE A JAPANESE
CHEERLEADER GOING, "GIVE ME A
SAKE!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
I MOVED DOWN THERE ABOUT A YEAR
AGO.
(CHEERS)
RIGHT ON.
THANKS.
THANKS.
RIGHT ON.
WEST SIDE.
I MOVED FROM SAN FRANCISCO AND--
(CHEERS)
RIGHT ON.
MORE, MORE WEST SIDE.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU.
BEFORE I MOVED I GOT A NEW CAR.
I DID, YEAH.
I GOT ME A BRAND-NEW 1985
HONDA CIVIC.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S RIGHT.
MY CAR IS OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE
NOW.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
I'M FILIPINO, AND IF YOU'RE
AN ASIAN KID YOU'RE AN ASIAN KID
IN SAN FRANCISCO, HONDA CIVICS
ARE REQUIRED BY LAW, HUH?
IT'S TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN
THERE BUT THAT'S WHY WE ALL GOT
THEM.
MY CIVIC IS BLACK AND THERE'S
FOUR OTHER KIDS WHO LIVE IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT
COLORED CIVICS.
AND IT'S KINDA FUN.
ON THE WEEKENDS WE ALL MEET UP
AND OUR CARS LOCK TOGETHER
TO FORM A GIANT ROBOT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
AND I FEEL WARM AND FUZZY.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
MONEY MAKES ME FEEL WARM AND
FUZZY BUT SINCE I DON'T HAVE ANY
I WAS GONNA HIT MY PARENTS UP
FOR SOME.
AND THEN I DECIDED, NO.
I WOULD ALWAYS RATHER FALL
FURTHER INTO MY CREDIT HELL THAN
BORROW MONEY FROM MOM AND DAD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
'CAUSE I KNOW THAT CITIBANK IS
NEVER GONNA CALL ME UP AND GO,
"HELLO, YES, MR. GABRIEL.
WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR
SISTER?"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SOMETIMES I BABY-SIT FOR EXTRA
MONEY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SOME CRAZY MOM TRUSTS ME WITH
HER TWINS.
THIS MOM, SHE'S REALLY
LIBERATED.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
AND SHE ACTUALLY LET HER
TWIN SONS PICK THEIR OWN NAMES
WHEN THEY WERE IN FIRST GRADE.
ISN'T THAT A COOL IDEA?
I THINK IT WAS A GREAT IDEA
'CAUSE CHEWBACCA AND SKELETOR
ARE THE COOLEST KIDS YOU'VE EVER
MET.
TOTALLY LAID BACK.
I ENJOY MY FILIPINE-OSITY,
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
BUT THERE'S THIS DUMB STEREOTYPE
GOING AROUND, MAYBE YOU HEARD
IT.
LOTTA 'GRINGO'S' BEEN SHOOTIN'
THEIR MOUTHS OFF SAYIN' THAT WE
FILIPINO'S EAT DOG.
(LAUGHTER)
DON'T LAUGH AT THAT.
"CAUSE ME AND HALF THE BAND,
WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
EVEN LITTLE KIDS ARE GIVIN' ME
GUFF.
I'M BABY SITTIN' CHEWBACCA.
WE'RE WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET
LIKE THIS.
AND WE SAW ONE OF THOSE DOGS
THAT HAS THE CONE AROUND ITS
HEAD?
YOU KNOW SO IT WON'T BITE IT'S
TAIL?
LITTLE BRAT DOES, "LOOK UNCLE
DAN, FILIPINO ICE CREAM."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT
FRAZZLED.
I GOTTA TELL YA.
ON THE WAY OVER HERE I WAS
RUNNING LATE, AS USUAL.
AND I WAS SPRINTING DOWN THE
SIDEWALK AND I GOT TO THE SUBWAY
STATION AND I RUN DOWN THE
STAIRS AND I HEAR MY TRAIN
PULL UP.
LIKE, "AHHH!"
I GET THROUGH THE TURNSTILE,
I SPRINT DOWN THE STAIRS,
SPRINT DOWN THE PLATFORM, MAKE
IT TO THE TRAIN, LAST SECOND.
(PANTING)
(COUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
AND THE DOORS DON'T CLOSE FOR
LIKE 5 MINUTES.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
NO, I TOTALLY THOUGHT THE DOORS
WERE GONNA CLOSE.
THAT'S WHY I RAN.
YEAH.
BUT WE ALL FEEL LIKE LOSERS
SOMETIMES, I GUESS.
I HAD A JOB IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT
MADE ME FEEL COOL JUST 'CAUSE I
HAD THE JOB.
I WAS A LIFEGUARD.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU CAN TELL BY MY PHYSIQUE.
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH.
YOU'D THINK ACTUALLY THAT SINCE
I USED TO BE A LIFEGUARD THAT I
WORK OUT OR THAT I'M ACTUALLY
A FIT GUY.
NOT TRUE.
DON'T WORK OUT.
CAN'T GET INTO THE WORK OUT
MINDSET.
MY BUDDY CHRIS IS WAY INTO
WORKING OUT.
HE'S JUST SUPER INTO IT AND HIS
BIG THING IS DOING MARATHONS
WHICH, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE CHOOSE TO RUN
26 MILES.
I CAN'T EVEN WRAP MY BRAIN
AROUND THAT IT'S SO...
I HAVE SO LITTLE DESIRE TO DO
THAT.
BUT CHRIS IS LIKE TRYING TO
EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE ITS THIS
FUN, GREAT THING.
"LIKE DUDE, IT'S TOTALLY
AWESOME.
OKAY, CHECK IT OUT.
YOU START RUNNING RIGHT AND YOU
GET TO MILE 10, OKAY?
THE ENTIRE BODY CRAMPS UP.
IT'S LIKE TOTALLY AGONY, RIGHT?
GET TO MILE 20, I (BLEEP) IN MY
PANTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
(LAUGHTER)
I GET TO THE FINISH LINE?
IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE, OKAY?
THERE'S LIKE PEOPLE DROPPIN'
LIKE FLIES AMBULANCES
EVERYWHERE.
GUY I WAS RUNNIN' WITH FOR THE
WHOLE RACE, TURNS OUT HE DIED AT
MILE 16.
FINISHED THE RACE ON ADRENALINE.
SWEAR TO GOD.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT, I DO.
I WENT AND WATCHED THE NEW YORK
CITY MARATHON.
IT GOES RIGHT BY MY APARTMENT
IN BROOKLYN.
AND I WENT WITH A GROUP OF
FRIENDS AND ALL MY FRIENDS ARE
CHEERING FOR THE RUNNERS.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHOO, GOOD JOB.
WAY TO GO.
KEEP IT UP.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
IT'S A GREAT JOB."
I WAS LIKE, "DUDE YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
WHY-- THAT'S UNNECESSARY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A BIKE.
YOU CAN TAKE IT.
BETTER YET, COME INSIDE.
I GOT AIR CONDITIONING.
MY ROOMMATE MADE SOME GUACAMOLE.
IT'S AWESOME.
WE RENTED "MEATBALLS".
JUST COME.
YOU CAN HANG OUT TOTALLY.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YA TO TAKE
A SHOWER, THOUGH BECAUSE I
NOTICED THAT YOU CRAPPED YOUR
PANTS."
BUT..
HEY, THANKS A LOT.
MOTHER'S 60th BIRTHDAY PARTY.
AND I AM BROKE.
NOW I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE BAD,
BECAUSE I HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT
OF MONEY NOW THAT I HAD WHEN
I WAS 12.
AND I'M REALLY AFRAID THAT I'M
GONNA HAVE TO MAKE HER PRESENT.
(LAUGHTER)
WHICH IS NO LONGER CUTE OR
FUNNY, IS IT?
NOW I LOVE MY MOTHER BUT MY
MOTHER HAS AN EXTREMELY WEIRD
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PHONE.
EVERY TIME THIS WOMAN CALLS ME
TWO THINGS HAPPEN: NUMBER 1,
IT'S HER LAST DAY ON EARTH.
AND NUMBER 2, SHE CAN'T FOR THE
LIFE OF HER FIGURE OUT HOW
TO HANG UP THE PHONE.
SO EVERY SINGLE CALL I GET FROM
THIS WOMAN GOES SOMETHING LIKE
THIS:
"HI, BECKY SWEETHEART.
IT'S MOMMY.
YOU BETTA COME SEE ME SOON,
I HAVE ARTHRITIS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GONNA
BE.
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART,
I LOVE YOU.
BYE."
AND THEN YOU ACTUALLY HEAR
THIS...
(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)
"PAUL!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER,
SWEETHEART?
(LAUGHTER)
I'M JUST HANGING OUT WITH BECKY,
BABY.
YOU WANT CHINESE?
YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE CHINESE?
ALL RIGHT!
BABY, THERE'S NO DIAL TONE!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND THERE'S A GUNSHOT 'CAUSE
I HAVE KILLED MYSELF.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
AND WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU
WANNA DO WHEN YOU'RE COMPLETELY,
TOTALLY BROKE?
WHAT I WANNA DO MORE THAN
ANYTHING IS DRUGS.
OKAY?
I JUST WANNA ESCAPE.
I WANNA FORGET, RIGHT?
AND ALL MY 'POT HEAD' FRIENDS,
ALL MY DRUG HEAD FRIENDS WILL
SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM
IS, BECKY?
YOU NEED TO DO BETTER DRUGS.
YOU NEED TO DO ECSTASY.
ECSTASY'S GREAT.
YOU PUT ON A FUZZY SHIRT.
YOU GET IN A ROOM WITH
GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE.
EVERYONE TOUCHES YOU, RIGHT?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IF I WERE
TO DO ECSTASY I WOULD END UP
ALONE IN A CORNER HUMPING A
HOUSE PLANT FOR 5 HOURS.
(APPLAUSE)
AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE
THE HORRIBLE TALE RETOLD TO ME
BY ONE OF MY IDIOT FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY LIKE TO DO
THAT?
"I DON'T KNOW, BECKY.
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS FINE.
YOU HAD ONE LICK OF THE ECSTASY
TABLET AND YOU WERE IN THE
CORNER GOING, "HEY MR. SPIDER
PLANT.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU'RE SO SEXY.
YOU HAVE SO MANY HANDS.
YOU WANNA COME UP TO MY LOFT?
I HAVE A LOFT BED."
ANOTHER COMPLETELY HUMILIATING
EXPERIENCE.
I HAVE A LOFT BED.
A BUNK BED FOR ADULTS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU
ABOUT A LOFT BED.
YOU CANNOT GET A GOOD-LOOKING
GUY SEXED UP WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO
TO A LOFT BED.
YOU CAN'T.
LIKE I MIGHT GET A GOOD-LOOKING
GUY LIKE YOU UNDER THE LOFT BED
AND THEN I HAVE TO SAY THINGS
LIKE, "BABY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
NOW JUST CLIMB THE LADDER."
"NO, NO.
WATCH YOUR HEAD.
OH, YOU FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE
LIGHT.
CAN YOU GO BACK DOWN?
CAN YOU GET ME A GLASS OF WATER?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THIS IS NICE!
DAMN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Y'ALL WALK TOO DAMN MUCH THOUGH.
Y'ALL SOME WALKIN' PEOPLE.
IT'S NOT JUST LIKE NORMAL WALKS,
EITHER.
LIKE YOU KNOW, A STROLL IN THE
PARK.
Y'ALL SERIOUS WITH YA WALKIN'.
YOU WALK LIKE YOU ABOUT TO WHOOP
SOMEBODY'S ASS.
I CAN'T KEEP UP.
LITTLE-OLD LADIES TRYING TO
WALK.
YOU JUST KILL THEM AND THEN WALK
RIGHT OVER THEM.
THAT'S A REALITY SHOW.
THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE.
(CHUCKLES)
THEY GOT A REALITY SHOW FOR
EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'M SICK OF REALITY SHOWS, MAN.
GOLLY.
CRAZY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU WANT A REAL SURVIVAL SHOW
PUT ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.,
MICHAEL IRVING AND DARREL
STRAWBERRY IN A CRACK HOUSE
WITH ONE ROCK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND SEE WHO GETS THE ROCK.
OH, THAT'S THE SURVIVOR.
GOLLY, MAN.
EVERYBODY'S GETTING IN TROUBLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
BUT IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD TO BE
YOU KNOW DOING MY THING, DOING
COMEDY AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.
I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT IN ALL
THE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES AND
EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BUT I WANT TO THANK Y'ALL.
I WANT TO THANK WHITE FOLKS.
NOW BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GET MAD
AT ME BUT I WANNA THANK WHITE
FOLKS FOR COMING TO GET US ALL
THEM 400 YEARS AGO.
THANK YOU VERY DAMN MUCH, MAN.
I AIN'T MAD AT YOU NO MORE.
I LET IT GO.
LET IT GO, BLACK PEOPLE,
LET IT GO.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW?
THEY HAD US PICKIN' COTTON.
YOU AIN'T PICKED NOTHING BUT
YOUR NOSE AND YOUR BOOTIES.
(LAUGHTER)
WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.
WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE THESE
DIFFERENT RACES.
WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.
BLACK FOLKS WE CAN LEARN FROM
WHITE FOLKS.
WE DO.
WE NEED TO LEARN--
WHITE FOLKS ABOUT OUR MONEY--
WHITE FOLKS KNOW HOW TO KEEP
MONEY.
WHITE FOLKS SPEND THEY MONEY
GETTING RICH.
WE SPEND OUR MONEY TRYING TO
LOOK RICH.
WE BROKE AS HELL BUT WE LOOK
GOOD!
(LAUGHTER)
WE LOVE LOOKING GOOD.
WE LOVE DRESSING.
WE LOVE NEW SNEAKERS.
LOVE NEW SNEAKERS.
I LOVE NEW TENNIS SHOES.
WHAT IS IT WITH BLACK MEN
AND NEW DAMN TENNIS SHOES?
WHITE FOLKS DON'T EVEN CARE
ABOUT TENNIS SHOES.
THEY WEAR TENNIS SHOES TILL THEY
FALL APART.
THEY WEAR REEBOKS UNTIL THE
'R-E-E-B' FALL OFF.
SHOES JUST SAY, "OK".
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS)
THEY HAPPY AS HELL, THOUGH.
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA
GOT TO INVEST YOUR MONEY,
FELLAS.
GOT TO INVEST YOUR MONEY.
YOU KNOW WE TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN
WITH FANCY CLOTHES AND NICE CARS
AND ALL.
YOU KNOW WHAT'LL TURN A WOMAN
ON?
A HOUSE!
THAT'S WHAT TURNS A WOMAN ON?
A HOUSE.
BUY SOME PROPERTY.
THAT'S WHAT TURN A WOMAN ON.
I DON'T CARE HOW YOU LOOK YOU
CAN BE DUR-DUR-DUR.
"I GOTTA HOUSE."
SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE SO
CUTE."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'M TELLING YOU.
BUY A HOUSE, MAN.
I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE.
I LOVE BEING A HOMEOWNER.
I LOVE HOME DEPOT.
THAT'S MY SPOT.
I LOVE HOME DEPOT.
(APPLAUSE)
I'M SERIOUS, MAN.
AND GOLD DIGGERS KNOW THAT NOW.
GOLD DIGGERS HAVE GOTTEN SMART.
THEY DON'T LOOK AT THE CAR
YOU DRIVE NOW, YOU KNOW?
THEY HANG OUT AT HOME DEPOT NOW.
'CAUSE THEY KNOW IF YOU'RE AT
HOME DEPOT YOU GOTTA HOME.
YOU KNOW I LOVE HOME DEPOT.
YOU SEE WOMEN IN THERE, TOO.
YOU KNOW LOOKING FOR MEN.
"OH, GIRL, OH, GIRL, THERE GO
ONE RIGHT THERE.
HE'S IN THE GARDEN SECTION.
THAT MEANS HE GOTTA YARD.
MY KIDS GOT SOME PLACE TO PLAY."
I'M GUY TORRY, Y'ALL BE GOOD.
PEACE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
