PROOFING HIS HOME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

YOU KNOW HE'S GOING AROUND

PUTTING LITTLE COVERS OVER

THE ELECTRICAL OUTLETS AND

ALL THAT STUFF.

AND I'M LIKE, "HOW KIDS GONNA

LEARN ABOUT ELECTRICITY, HUH?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE EVEN PUT LITTLE RUBBER

BUMPERS ON THE SHARP EDGES OF

THE TABLETOPS AND EVERYTHING.

LITTLE BUMPERS.

SO NOW YOU GO OVER THERE AND THE

KIDS JUST RUN AROUND ALL DAY.

SO WHAT I DO, I'M WALKING

AROUND.

I SNEAK AROUND AND SLIP THOSE

LITTLE BUMPERS OFF.

AND THEN I GIVE THE KIDS CANDY.

YEAH, A COUPLE OF, "HEY,

WHY DON'T Y'ALL SIT DOWN FOR

A MINUTE?"

THEY DON'T LISTEN.

THEY CAN TURN ONE OF THOSE

CORNERS, BAM!

UH-HUH.

SEE, STITCHES ALL SLOW YOU DOWN,

WON'T IT.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, M

I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT

FRAZZLED.

I GOTTA TELL YA.

ON THE WAY OVER HERE I WAS

RUNNING LATE, AS USUAL.

AND I WAS SPRINTING DOWN THE

SIDEWALK AND I GOT TO THE SUBWAY

STATION AND I RUN DOWN THE

STAIRS AND I HEAR MY TRAIN

PULL UP.

LIKE, "AHHH!"

I GET THROUGH THE TURNSTILE,

I SPRINT DOWN THE STAIRS,

SPRINT DOWN THE PLATFORM, MAKE

IT TO THE TRAIN, LAST SECOND.

(PANTING)

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE DOORS DON'T CLOSE FOR

LIKE 5 MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

NO, I TOTALLY THOUGHT THE DOORS

WERE GONNA CLOSE.

THAT'S WHY I RAN.

YEAH.

BUT WE ALL FEEL LIKE LOSERS

SOMETIMES, I GUESS.

I HAD A JOB IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT

MADE ME FEEL COOL JUST 'CAUSE I

HAD THE JOB.

I WAS A LIFEGUARD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU CAN TELL BY MY PHYSIQUE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

YOU'D THINK ACTUALLY THAT SINCE

I USED TO BE A LIFEGUARD THAT I

WORK OUT OR THAT I'M ACTUALLY

A FIT GUY.

NOT TRUE.

DON'T WORK OUT.

CAN'T GET INTO THE WORK OUT

MINDSET.

MY BUDDY CHRIS IS WAY INTO

WORKING OUT.

HE'S JUST SUPER INTO IT AND HIS

BIG THING IS DOING MARATHONS

WHICH, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE CHOOSE TO RUN

26 MILES.

I CAN'T EVEN WRAP MY BRAIN

AROUND THAT IT'S SO...

I HAVE SO LITTLE DESIRE TO DO

THAT.

BUT CHRIS IS LIKE TRYING TO

EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE ITS THIS

FUN, GREAT THING.

"LIKE DUDE, IT'S TOTALLY

AWESOME.

OKAY, CHECK IT OUT.

YOU START RUNNING RIGHT AND YOU

GET TO MILE 10, OKAY?

THE ENTIRE BODY CRAMPS UP.

IT'S LIKE TOTALLY AGONY, RIGHT?

GET TO MILE 20, I (BLEEP) IN MY

PANTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GET TO THE FINISH LINE?

IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE, OKAY?

THERE'S LIKE PEOPLE DROPPIN'

LIKE FLIES AMBULANCES

EVERYWHERE.

GUY I WAS RUNNIN' WITH FOR THE

WHOLE RACE, TURNS OUT HE DIED AT

MILE 16.

FINISHED THE RACE ON ADRENALINE.

SWEAR TO GOD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT, I DO.

I WENT AND WATCHED THE NEW YORK

CITY MARATHON.

IT GOES RIGHT BY MY APARTMENT

IN BROOKLYN.

AND I WENT WITH A GROUP OF

FRIENDS AND ALL MY FRIENDS ARE

CHEERING FOR THE RUNNERS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHOO, GOOD JOB.

WAY TO GO.

KEEP IT UP.

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

IT'S A GREAT JOB."

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE YOU DON'T HAVE

TO DO THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY-- THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE A BIKE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT.

BETTER YET, COME INSIDE.

I GOT AIR CONDITIONING.

MY ROOMMATE MADE SOME GUACAMOLE.

IT'S AWESOME.

WE RENTED "MEATBALLS".

JUST COME.

YOU CAN HANG OUT TOTALLY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YA TO TAKE

A SHOWER, THOUGH BECAUSE I

NOTICED THAT YOU CRAPPED YOUR

PANTS."

BUT..

HEY, THANKS A LOT.