September 24, 2014

  • 09/24/2014

Jeff Tweedy calls the Atone Phone hotline and President Obama comes under fire for saluting with a coffee cup.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE,

SIT DOWN.

FOLKS, FOLKS, LET ME SAYCOLBERT NATION, ON THIS

NIGHT, I FOUND THE SHOFAR TOHERALD THE ARRIVAL OF ROSH

HASHANAH, THE JEWISH NEWYEAR, MAY 5775 BE A YEAR OF

HAPPINESS.

(LAUGHTER)I STILL GOT IT.

(LAUGHTER)NINE YEARS LATER IT STILL

TASTES JUST AS RAMMY ASEVER.

NICE THING ABOUT A DEAD RAMHORN, IT ONLY-- IT ONLY GETS

DEAD RAMMIER.

AND FOLKS, I'M ALREADYENJOYING THE TRADITIONAL

ROSH HASHANAH TREAT KNOWNAMONG THE JEWISH PEOPLE AND

I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THISCORRECTLY, APPLES AND

CHHONEY.

IT EXPRESSES OUR HOPE FOR ASWEET NEW YEAR.

AND ROSH HASHANAH IS JUST THE

BEGINNING OF THE JEWISH HIGHHOLIDAY FUN.

FROM NOW UNTIL YOM KIPPURMARKS THE TIME OF SOLEMN

REFLECTION AND ATONEMENTKNOWN AS THE DAYS OF

REPENTANCE, NOT TO BECONFUSED WITH THE UPCOMING

BLOCKBUSTER, TRANSFORMERS 5:DAYS OF REPENTANCE.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THE PLOT CENTERS

ON OPTIMUS PRIME'S BARMITZVAH AND HIS MOST

DIFFICULT TRANSFORMATION YETFROM BOY INTO A MAN AND

AT THE END HE TURNS INTO APEN AND PENCIL SET.

TRADITIONALLY THIS IS A TIMETO APOLOGIZE TO ALL THOSE

YOU HAVE WRONGED.

NOW I DO NOT FOLLOW THISTRADITION BECAUSE I AM NOT

JEWISH AND I HAVE NEVER BEENWRONG.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: BUT FOR THE PAST

NINE YEARS, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, I HAVE GIVEN ANY

OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE WHOHAVE WRONGED ME A CHANCE TO

SEEK MY FORGIVENESS BYCALLING THE ATONE-PHONE.

(APPLAUSE)THE ATONE-PHONE AT

1-888-667-7539 THAT IS1-888-OOPS-JEW.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, OF COURSE, FOLKS,

MAINTAINING ONE TRIPLE 8OOPS-JEW DOES NOT COME CHEAP

THAT IS ONE MORE THING FORTO YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.

THAT IS WHY EVERY YEAR WEDEFRAY SOME OF THE COSTS BY

SHARING OUR LINE WITH OTHERBUSINESSES THAT HAPPEN TO

HAVE NAMES THAT CAN BESPELLED USING THE NAME

TELEPHONE NUMBER.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS YEAR,WHEN YOU CALL PLEASE PRESS 2

IF YOU WANT THE ATONE-PHONE.

IF YOU PRESS 1, YOU WILL BECONNECTED TO 1-888-MORS-KIDS

A CLUB FOR YOUNG TELEGRAPHENTHUSIASTS IF YOU PRESS 3,

YOU REACH 1-888-MOR-PKX, ALEGAL HOTLINE DEDICATED

TO THE EVER INCREASING LISTOF EX-WIVES OF MY DEAR

FRIEND PK WINSOME.

JIM?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

YOU'VE REACH, 1-888-MOR-PKXWHERE WE SAY IT'S NOT ABOUT

THE KIDS, IT'S ABOUT THEMONEY.

IF THIS IS BRENDA, PRESS 1.

IF THIS IS VANESSA PRESS 2.

IF THIS IS OTHER BRENDA,PRESS 3.

IF THIS IS JANINE, SHH, IHAVEN'T TOLD THE OTHERS

ABOUT YOU YET.

>> Stephen: FINALLY, FOLKS,IF YOU PRESS 4, WILL YOU GET

ONPR LDY, A SEX CHAT LINEFEATURING FRESH AIR'S TERRY

GROSS.

JIMMY?

(APPLAUSE)JIMMY, GIVE THEM A TASTE.

>> HELLO, YOU'RE ON WITHONPR LADY.

THIS IS TERRY.

>> OH WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

>> WHAT AM I WEARING?

>> A SEEMINGLYSTRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTION.

YET PERHAPS NO OUTWARDSIGNIFIER OF IDENTITY IS

MORE POWERFUL THAN WHAT ONEWEARS.

THOUGH IT IS CONSIDERED AVIRTUE TO SAY THAT

APPEARANCES DON'T MATTER,OFTEN I PROFESSED

INDIFFERENCE SAY KIND OFCOSTUME BUT TO ANSWER YOUR

QUESTION, JEANS AND ACARDIGAN, BIG BOY.

>> OH, YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I THINK I NEED A

LITTLE FRESH AIR.

SO FOLKS, REMEMBER IT'S1-888-OOPS-JEW, PRESS 2 TO

GET THE ATONE-PHONE.

OPERATOR IS STANDINGBY.

11, 27, 49, FAR TOO OFTENTHESE ARE THE WINNING

NUMBERS OF OUR LOTTERYTICKETS.

BUT NOW INSIDERS IN THEINDUSTRY ARE SAYING EVEN

NUMBERS MAY BE MAKING ACOMEBACK.

(LAUGHTER)THE ATONE-PHONE.

WE'VE GOT OUR FIRST CALLER.

SHALOM, HOW HAVE YOU WRONGEDME?

>> HI, STEPHEN, IT'S INDIEFOLK ROCK LEGEND JEFF

TWEEDY.

>> Stephen: INDIE FOLK ROCKLEGEND JEFF TWEEDY, JEFF

THIS IS SOMETHING OF ASURPRISE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WEREJEWISH.

>> WELL, THAT'S JUST IT,STEPHEN, I CONVERTED LAST

YEAR.

>> Stephen: OH, OKAY, ANDYOU ARE WRACKED WITH GUILT

BECAUSE YOU BETRAYED BOTHJESUS AND ME?

>> NO, I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I HADA BAR MITZVAH AND I DIDN'T

INVITE YOU.

>> Stephen: OH-- THAT'S OKAY,JEFF.

I JUST HOPE YOU AND YOURREAL FRIENDS HAD FUN.

I WAS PROBABLY BUSY THATNIGHT ANYWAY.

>> I'M SO SORRY, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: DON'T WORRYABOUT IT, MAZEL TOV ON YOUR

BAR MITVAH AND DOUBLE STUFFMAZEL ON BEING FORGIVEN BY

ME.

>> THANKS, STEPHEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US SOMEFRIDAY FOR SHABBAT DINNER.

>> Stephen: OH SURE, HOW ABOUTNEXT WEEK?

>> NEXT WEEK IS YOM KIPPUR,WE'RE FASTING.

>> Stephen: OH, GREAT, YOUCAN WATCH ME EAT.

BYE.

(APPLAUSE)FOLKS, AS A PATRIOT I HAVE

ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT DURINGA TIME OF WAR WE MUST ALL

PUT ASIDE OUR POLITICALDIFFERENCES, COME TOGETHER

AND RALLY AROUND OURCOMMANDER IN CHIEF.

BUT SOMETIMES A PRESIDENTACTS SO RECKLESSLY THAT MEN

OF GOOD CONSCIENCE CANNOT BUTSTAND AND SAY "NO MORE!"

JIM?

>> OUTRAGE THIS MORNING OVERPRESIDENT'S SALUTE WITH A

COFFEE CUP IN HIS HAND, SOMESAYING IT IS A LATTE SALUTE.

WHEN HE ARRIVED YESTERDAY ONAIR FORCE ONE IN LOWER

MANHATTAN WATCH THEINSTAGRAM IMAGES FROM THE

WHITE HOUSE.

YUP, THAT'S THE PRESIDENT.

SALUTING WITH WHAT LOOKSLIKE A STYROFOAM CUP EITHER

WITH COFFEE OR TEA ORWHATEVER IT IS, NONETHELESS,

HE DIDN'T SWITCH HANDS.

AND PEOPLE ARE FIRED UPABOUT THIS.

>> Stephen: OH, I AM MORETHAN FIRED UP ABOUT THIS.

(APPLAUSE)WARNING, WARNING, CONTENTS

ARE HOT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: AND BEFORE THE

UGLY ACCUSATIONS STARTFLYING FROM THE LIBERALS

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITHTHE FACT THAT THE COFFEE WAS

BLACK.

I AM SICK-- I AM SICK ANDTIRED--

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I AM SICK AND

TIRED OF THE RACE HUSTLERSOUT THERE PLAYING THE

STARBUCKS GIFT CARD.

BECAUSE OBAMA WASN'T EVENDRINKING COFFEE.

>> THE IDEA THAT I'M GOINGTO JUST SORT OF JAUNT OUT

THERE WITH MY CHAI TEA ANDGIVE THEM THE OLD, YOU KNOW

IT'S NOT A LATTE SALUTE, IT IS ACHAI SALUTE BECAUSE HE

DRINKS CHAI TEA.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CARL,THANK YOU FOR THAT.

CHAI TEA.

(APPLAUSE)I BET THAT TEA HAD A SPRIG

OF ARUGALA IN THERE AND WASCERTIFIED HALAL BY AN

UNDOCUMENTED GAY MUSLIMBARISTA.

AND TO ANYONE WHO SAY OBAMA'S COFFEE SALUTE WAS AN

AWKWARD ACCIDENT RATHER THANTHE MANIFESTATION OF A

TWISTED MIND HELL-BENT ONDISRESPECTING OUR ARMED

FORCES, PREPARE TO BEEDUCATED.

>> LOOK, OBVIOUSLY I DON'TTHINK HE SAID LET ME PUT THE

COFFEE IN THIS HAND ANDSALUTE A MARINE.

I THINK HE WAS BUTTONING HISJACKET WITH ONE HAND, HE HAD

A COFFEE AND HE JUST,OBVIOUSLY HE WANTS TO HAVE

IT BACK.

I DON'T THINK HEINTENTIONALLY DID THAT, DO

YOU?

>> I THINK WHEN ARE YOU NOTINTENDING TO DO SOMETHING,

YOU COULD BE INTENDING TO DOSOMETHING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW, DOES THATSOUND IDIOTIC?

YES.

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T INTEND ITTO.

(LAUGHTER)THE POINT IS, NOT GRETCHEN

HERE WAS OUTRAGED.

SO SHE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TOSTRIKE BACK WITH THE MOST

POWERFUL PUNS IN HERARSENAL.

>> HAVE YOU SEEN THIS,PRESIDENT SALUTING WITH A

COFFEE CUP IN HIS HAND, WASIT A LATTE DISRESPECT OR A

LATTE DO ABOUT NOTHING.

SEND US YOUR HASHTAG E-MAILSNOW.

>> Stephen: OH, I WILL SENDYOU MY HASHTAG E-MAILS NOW.

MISS LOG ON-- HOLD ON-- GIVEME A SECOND HERE.

POWER THAT THING UP.

LET ME JUST LOCK ON TOHASHTAG E-MAILS.COM.

DEAR STEVE DOOCY, NOTGRETCHEN, AND BROWN HAIRED

GUY WHO IS NOT STEVE DOOCY.

I BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT'SSALUTE WAS A LATTE

DISRESPECT, IT WASUN-AMERICANO, THIS IS A

MOCHA-RY OF OUR MILITARY,THAT SHOULD HAVE US FLYING

OUR FLAGS AS HALF-CAF.

NO SANKA, YOU, SIR, NOT INMY MAXWELL HOUSE.

IT MAKES ME VERY UNFRAPPY TOSEE.

WE GOT TO PUT THAT DOPIO ONAN ESPRESSO TRAIN TO

CAPPU-CHINA BEFORE IT'S TOOCAFE AU LATE.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING MEVENTI MY ANGER, AND HASHTAG

E-MAIL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, MY GUEST TONIGHT

HAS BEEN MAKING AMERICANSLAUGH FOR FIVE DECADES AND

HE DOES AN AMAZING BILLCOSBY IMPRESSION.

PLEASE WELCOME BILL COSBY.(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MR. COSBY, THANK YOU SO

MUCH.

PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

REALLY, I-- THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT,

SIR.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: NOT ALL OF OURGUESTS LOOK THIS NICE.

NOT EVERYONE HAS AN INSIGNIAON THEIR POCKET.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUPUTTING SOME EFFORT IN.

>> BETSY ROSS ASKED ME IFSHE WANTED TO-- IF SHE COULD,

DO A FLAG.

I SAID NO.

-- I SAID NO.

>> Stephen: YOU TURNED DOWNBETSY ROSS.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: SO WHO DID THEFLAG?

>> BETSY ROSS DID THE FLAG.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

>> BECAUSE GEORGE WASHINGTONHEARD THAT I TURNED HER

DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.

>> SO-- .

>> Stephen: SHE PULLEDSTRINGS.

>> SHE SEWED STRINGS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: POTATO, POTATO

SIR.

>> NO, NOT THE SAME.

TOMATO.

TOMATO, TOMATO, PARADE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO

BE-- ARE YOU GOING TO BE INTOWN FOR THE TOMATO PARADE?

>> YES, SIR, POMONA.

GIVE ME THESE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW, SIR -->> I WANT TO TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

>> Stephen: I WANT TO HEARIT.

>> IT'S FRIGHTENING.

>> Stephen: YES, WHAT'SFRIGHTENING.

>> IT'S FRIGHTENING SITTINGHERE.

>> Stephen: WHY IS ITFRIGHTENING, I AM SO HAPPY

YOU ARE HERE, I HAVE BEEN ALIFELONG FAN OF YOURS.

>> HAPPY FOR YOU.

FRIGHTENING FOR ME.

>> Stephen: NO NEED TO BEFRIGHTENED.

>> THEY BROUGHT ME OUT HERE.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> AND SET ME IN THE DARK.

AND THEN YOU TURNED ON SOMEMUSIC-- ♪

♪ ♪ AND--

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT WE DID.

THAT'S TRUE.

EXACTLY WHAT WE DID.

>> ♪♪

♪ AND I SAID OH BOY, THISIS GOING TO BE LIKE THE

FUNHOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> WHERE, DID YOU EVER GO TO

THE AMUSEMENT PARK AND THEYGO IN WHAT THEY CALL THE FUN

HOUSE?

>> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S NOTFUN AT ALL, IT'S KIND OF

SCARY.

>> IT IS KIND OF SCARY?

>> Stephen: KIND OF SCARY.

>> THEY HAVE, SOMEBODYTHOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, AND

YOU WALK IN, IN THE DARK,SEE FIRST OF ALL, ANYBODY

THAT DOES THAT, THERE'SSOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

>> Stephen: WHO MAKES IT ORGOES.

>> MAKES IT.

THE PERSON WHO MAKES IT,SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH

THEM.

THEY DON'T LIKE LITTLECHILDREN.

BECAUSE THEY HAD THESETHINGS, I DON'T KNOW, AND

THERE WAS RUBBER STUFF.

AND NOBODY TOLD YOU.

AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO,YOU WALK IN AND YOU JUST A

KID, MAN.

YOU TRUST OLD PEOPLE.

AND THEY LEAD YOU,MR. COLBERT, THEY LEAD ME

THROUGH THIS THING ANDTHINGS WOULD ALL AROUND,

DOING LIKE THAT AROUND MYANKLE.

AND-- .

>> Stephen: DID THEY EVERPUT OUT THE BOWL OF GRAPES

AND SAY FEEL THIS, THESE AREEYEBALLS OR THE BOWL OF

SPAGHETTI LIKE THESE AREHUMAN GUTS, DID THEY DO THAT

KIND OF STUFF?

>> WELL, LET ME EXPLAINSOMETHING TO YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> I WAS BORN TO TWO PEOPLE

WHO HAD NO MONEY.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

>> I ATE ANYTHING.

>> Stephen: SO WOULD YOUHAVE EATEN THE EYEBALLS.

>> ANYBODY'S BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: IN SOMECOUNTRIES, IT'S A DELICACY,

A DELICACY.

>> YES.

AN WHEN YOU'RE POOR, IT CANBE A DELICACY.

AS LONG AS YOU GIVE ME APIECE OF BREAD, I CAN MAKE

IT.

>> Stephen: SO TWO BALLS ONONE PIECE OF BREAD, THAT'S

AN OPEN FACED BALL SANDWICH.

(LAUGHTER)YOU ARE A LEGEND.

>> NO, NO, DON'T CHANGE THESUBJECT.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT CHANGINGTHE SUBJECT.

I'M NOT, I PROMISE YOU, I'MNOT.

I WOULD NEVER.

>> I SWEAR TO GOD.

LET GO.

LISTEN-- (LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOWIS THAT YOU ARE

CARRYING-- YOU'RE CARRYINGME TOO FAST.

>> Stephen: LET'S SLOW DOWN.

>> YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE.

>> Stephen: VERY SLOW.

>> YEAH, PLEASE, BECAUSE WEGOT TO THOSE BALL SANDWICHES

AND I WAS ENJOYING THAT.

>> Stephen: LET'S LINGER.

>> AND THEN DID YOUSOMETHING TO THE BALL

SANDWICHES AND I DIDN'T WANTANY MORE.

(LAUGHTER)>> DIDN'T WANT ANY MORE.

>> Stephen: I THINK THEY'REENJOYING THEMSELVES.

I THINK THEY'RE COMING ALONGFOR THE RIDE.

>> I DON'T WANT IT WHERETHEY TURN ON YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: NO, NO, ARE YOU

OKAY?

YOU GUYS OKAY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HOLD ON ONE SECOND, WE'RE

GOING DO A LITTLE COMMERCIAL.

>> A LITTLE ONE?

>> Stephen: JUST A TINY ONE, ITWILL BE SO SMALL.

>> SEE, THAT'S THE ONE WORDTHAT GROWN-UPS USE, I

REMEMBER THEY ALWAYS LIE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THEY DO.

GROWN-UPS LIE TO CHILDREN.

>> THIS IS GOING TO BE ALITTLE ONE.

>> Stephen: THIS HOUSEYOU'RE GOING GO INTO, IT'S

GOING TO BE FUN.

>> KEEP THE LIGHTS ON.

>> Stephen: WE'LL KEEP THELIGHTS ON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, WE'RE HONORED TO

BE HERE TONIGHT WITHDR. WILLIAM COSBY.

DR. COSBY.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: DR. COSBY, THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE

TONIGHT.

>> YES, SIR.

>> Stephen: WHAT A PLEASURE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: NOW I WILL-- IAM GOING TO SAY SOMETHING

CONTROVERSIAL.

I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE A COMEDY LEGEND.

YOU'VE GOT EMMIES, YOU'VEGOT GRAMMYS, YOU'VE GOT

BOOKS.

EVERYBODY LOVES BILL COSBY.

YOU ARE-- THERE IS SOMETHINGCALLED THE COLBERT BUMP.

THE COLBERT BUMP IS ONCEYOU'VE BEEN ON MY SHOW

THINGS GET BIG FOR YOU.

WILL YOU WALK DOWN THESTREET TOMORROW, PEOPLE ARE

GOING TO GO THAT'S BILLCOSBY, I SAW HIM ON COLBERT.

BUT THERE'S ALSO SOMETHINGCALLED-- THERE'S SOMETHING

CALLED THE COSBY EFFECT.

YOU BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER OFDISPARATE BACKGROUNDS TO

ENJOY YOUR WORK.

FOR INSTANCE, LIKE NELSONMANDELA, WHEN HE WAS IN JAIL,

HE AND HIS JAILERS BOTHWATCHED THE COSBY SHOW.

IN THE '80s IT HELPED WITHTHE RECONCILIATION THERE.

WHY ISN'T MORGAN FREEMANPLAYING YOU IN A MOVIE?

(APPLAUSE)>> WELL, OUT OF RESPECT

MORGAN AND I WORKED TOGETHERON THE ELECTRIC COMPANY.

>> Stephen: I REMEMBER, IREMEMBER.

>> SO-- I THINK OUT OFRESPECT MORGAN IS WAITING

FOR ME TO DIE.

>> Stephen: YOU SEE.

>> Stephen: DID HE EVER CALLYOU UP AND SAY, HOW ARE YOU

FEELING?

>>.

>> NOT ONLY THAT, BUT HE'SASKED HOW SYDNEY IS DOING,

POTTIER.

>> Stephen: HARRY BELLEFONTE.

>> EVERYBODY, HE WANTS TOKNOW HOW THEY'RE ALL DOING.

AND HE'S NOT A HAPPY MAN.

NOT A HAPPY MAN.

WELL, SOMETIMES, ON THEINTERNET, SOMEBODY WILL POST

THAT I DIED.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THATFEEL, HOW DOES THAT FEEL TO

HEAR?

>> WELL, NO, NO, MORGANCALLS.

>> .

>> Stephen: I SEE.

>> AND I HAVE A MACHINE UPONMY DESK, IF YOU CALL, IT

SOUNDS LIKE I'M ANSWERING.

SO IT WILL GO TO THE FOURTHRING, HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AND THEN YOU'LL SAY HELLO?

>> STOP SAYING HELLO, WHAT'SGOING ON, MAN.

SO THEN THAT FOOLS A LOT OFPEOPLE.

AND I THINK THAT MORGAN ISGOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: I AGREE, IAGREE.

MR. COSBY, I CAN'T THANK YOUENOUGH FOR BEING HERE.

>> YES, YOU CAN.

>> Stephen: I CAN?

I CAN?

TELL ME WHEN I GET THERE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LETME TRY, LET ME TRY TO THANK

YOU AND SEE IF I GET THERE.

>> SEE, YOU ARE WEARING ITOUT.

>> Stephen: OH I WANT TO YOUREMEMBER WHEREVER YOU GO.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> WHATEVER JOB YOU HAVE.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> YOU HAVE A DESK AND A MIC,AND TWO CHAIRS.

CALL ME.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: BILL COSBY.

(APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S ITFOR THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, BEFORE I GO, I WANTTO REMIND YOU THAT IF

YOU ENJOYED MY INTERVIEWWITH BILL COSBY TONIGHT, GET

IN LINE.

AND TO LEARN MORE ABOUTMR. COSBY, GO TO YOUR LOCAL

LIBRARY AND CHECK OUT COSBY,HIS LIFE AND TIMES BY MARK

WHITAKER.

AN WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEYDON'T HAVE IT YET, GO OUT

AND BUY IT, YOU CHEAP SKATE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

WE'RE HONORED TO BE HERETONIGHT WITH DR. WILLIAM

COSBY.

DR. COSBY, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT A PLEASURE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: NOW I AM GOINGTO SAY SOMETHING

CONTROVERSIAL.

I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE A COMEDY LEGEND,YOU'VE GOT EMMIES, YOU'VE

GOT GRAMMYS, YOU'VE GOTBOOKS.

EVERYBODY LOVES BILL COSBY.

YOU ARE-- THERE'S SOMETHINGCALLED THE COLBERT BUMP.

THE COLBERT BUMP IS ONCEYOU'VE BEEN ON MY SHOW

THINGS GET BIG FOR YOU, YOUWILL WALK DOWN THE STREET

TOMORROW AND PEOPLE AREGOING TO GO, THAT IS BILL

COSBY, I SAW HIM ON COLBERT.

BUT THERE'S ALSO SOMETHINGCALLED-- THERE'S SOMETHING

CALLED THE COSBY EFFECT.

YOU BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER OFDISPARATE BACKGROUNDS TO

ENJOY YOUR WORK.

FOR INSTANCE, LIKE NELSONMANDELA WHEN HE WAS IN JAIL,

HE AND HIS JAILERS BOTHWATCHED THE COSBY SHOW.

IN THE '80s, IT HELPED WITHTHE RECONCILIATION THERE.

WHY ISN'T MORGAN FREEMANPLAYING YOU IN A MOVIE?

(LAUGHTER)>> WELL, OUT OF RESPECT.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

>> MORGAN AND I WORKED TOGETHERON THE ELECTRIC COMPANY

>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT.

>> SO I THINK, I THINK OUTOF RESPECT MORGAN IS WAITING

FOR ME TO DIE.

>> Stephen: AND THENMORGAN-- .

>> Stephen: DOES HE EVERCALL YOU UP AND SAY HOW ARE

YOU FEELING?

>>.

>> NOT ONLY THAT, BUT HE HASASKED HOW SYDNEY IS DOING.

POITIER.

>> Stephen: HARRY BELLEFONTE

>> EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOWHOW THEY ARE ALL DOING

AND HE'S NOT A HAPPY MAN.

NOT A HAPPY MAN.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ALLHEALTHY.

>> WELL, SOMETIMES ON THEINTERNET SOMEBODY WILL POST

THAT I DIED.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THATFEEL TO HEAR.

>> WELL, NO, NO, MORGANCALLS.

AND I HAVE A MACHINE UPON MYDESK, IF YOU CALL IT SOUNDS

LIKE I'M ANSWERING.

SO IT WILL GO TO THE FOURTHRING AND I GO HEY, WHAT'S

HAPPENING?

AND THEN YOU'LL SAY HELLO?

AND I'LL SAY, STOP SAYING HELLO,WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN.

SO THEN THAT FOOLS A LOT OFPEOPLE.

AND I THINK THAT MORGAN ISGOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

HE MAY HAVE TO PLAY SOMEPEOPLE THAT NOBODY KNOWS.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKEGROWING UP WHAT WAS IT LIKE

GROWING UP IN THE PROJECTSIN PHILADELPHIA AND ENDING

UP WITH THE NUMBER ONE SHOWIN THE WORLD, 82 MILLION

PEOPLE WERE WATCHING THATTHING AT ITS PEAK.

>> I CAN'T CONNECT THE TWO.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS WORKING IN GREENWICHVILLAGE.

AND MY BOYS, THE GUYS I HUNGOUT WITH, DROVE FROM

PHILADELPHIA TO GREENWICHVILLAGE TO SEE ME BECAUSE

THEY HAD READ ABOUT ME IN"THE NEW YORK TIMES".

THEY SAID YOU KNOW, COS ISGOING TO BE FAMOUS.

>> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOUAT THIS POINT?

>> FIVE, NO, I WAS 20-- 24AND A HALF YEARS OLD.

AND THEY DROVE UP.

AND SO I'M PLAYING THE GASLIGHT COFFEE HOUSE.

116 McDOUGAL STREET.

AND THEY COME IN, IT'S ABOUTNINE OF THEM.

NOW WE'VE ALL PLAYEDNEIGHBORHOOD BALL, REC BALL,

GOING TO DIFFERENT HIGHSCHOOLS.

AND THE WORD AFTER THEY SAWME, I STARTED WORK AT 8:00

AND WENT TO 4:00 IN THEMORNING.

AND MY JOB WAS TO BREAK UPTHE MONOTONY OF THE FOLK

SINGERS.

AND SO-- .

>> Stephen: SO THIS GUY ISSTRUMMING ON A GUITAR AND

YOU GO UP AND DO -->> IT WASN'T MUCH STRUMMING.

A LOT OF THEM WERE JUSTTUNING.

(LAUGHTER)THERE WAS A TIME WHEN A GUY

WOULD GO ♪♪ AND THEN HE'D TRY TO SAY

SOMETHING VERY WITTY.

♪ .

>> I WAS IN POLITICALSCIENCE CLASS ♪

♪.

AND THEN IT'S TIME FOR HIMTO COME OFF.

>> Stephen: AND THEN YOU WOULDYOU HAVE TO GO ON.

>> THEN I WENT ON.

I HAD NOTHING TO TUNE UP.

AND I, THEY STAYED UNTIL THELAST CUSTOMERS LEFT.

THEY WENT HOME, AND THE NEXTDAY SOMEBODY CALLED THE CAFE

FIGARO BECAUSE I HAD NOPHONE.

AND SAID PLEASE CALL-- AND IDID.

IN THOSE DAYS YOU PUT THECOINS IN THE MACHINE.

AND I SAID WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> HE SAYS WELL, I WILL JUSTTELL YOU, MAN, YOU NEED TO

COME HOME.

I SAID WHAT'S HAPPENING.

HE SAID YOU'RE FUNNIER INTHE CAR.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NOW THEY REALLY THINK

I'M FUNNY.

BUT THEY'RE TOO OLD NOW.

I HAVE A FRIEND OF MINE,JOHNNY VEIN, HE'S 70-- HE'S

76 AND A HALF.

AND JOHNNY AND I HAVE KNOWNEACH OTHER FOR ALL THAT

TIME.

BUT SEE, HE'S OLD NOW.

JOHNNY IS OLD.

HE CALLED ME AND I SAID HELLO.

AND HE SAID COS.

I SAID JOHNNY.

HE SAID IT'S JOHNNIE.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

>> WAS THIS YOU OR WAS THISTHAT ANSWERING MACHINE

YOU'VE GOT?

>> I THINK THEY'VE TURNED ON ME,NOW

NO, THIS WAS-- I ANSWEREDTHE PHONE.

I ANSWERED THE PHONE AND HESAID COS.

I SAID JOHNNY.

THEN HE SAID, IT'S JOHNNY.

SO I SAID WHY DID YOU HAVETO SAY THAT?

HE SAID SAY WHAT?

I SAID, IT'S JOHNNIE.

HE SAID THAT'SBECAUSE-- THAT'S WHO I AM.

I SAID I KNOW THAT.

HE SAID BUT WHAT IS YOURPROBLEM.

I SAID LOOK, YOU CALLED, ISAID HELLO.

YOU SAID COS.

I-- I DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T SAYIT'S COS.

HE SAID WHY NOT?

I SAID BECAUSE YOU ALREADYSAID, COS.

SO I SAID WELL, THEN WHYDIDN'T YOU SAY THAT'S RIGHT.

I SAID THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

MY WIFE CAME IN.

SHE SAID STOP IT.

STOP IT.

I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY MORE.

AND SO SHE TOOK-- SHE TOOKHER FINGER AND SHE HUNG UP

THE PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)SO SHE SAID I DON'T WANT YOU

EVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN.

SO THE PHONE RANG.

SHE SAID DON'T ANSWER THAT.

I SAID YOU HAVE GOT YOURFINGER ON THE PLUNGER.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

SHE SAID GOOD.

NOW GO TO BED.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: SHE SOUNDS LIKE

A GOOD WOMAN.

>> SHE IS THE BEST WIFE, BUTNOT FOR A FRIEND.

>> Stephen: SHE'S NOT YOURFRIEND, SHE'S YOUR WIFE.

>> SHE'S MY WIFE.

WIFE IS WAY ABOVE FRIEND.

>> Stephen: I AGREE.

I AGREE.

MR. COSBY, I CAN'T THANK YOUENOUGH --

>> YES, YOU CAN.

>> Stephen: I CAN?

I CAN?

>> YES, YOU CAN.

>> Stephen: TELL ME WHEN IGET THERE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: TELL ME WHEN IGET THERE, LET ME TRY, LET

ME TRY TO THANK YOU.

LET ME TRY TO THANK YOU ANDSEE IF I GET THERE.

>> SEE, YOU'RE WEARING ITOUT.

>> Stephen: OH.

>> I WANT YOU TO REMEMBERWHEREVER YOU GO.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> WHATEVER JOB YOU HAVE.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> IF YOU HAVE A DESK, AND AMIC, AND TWO CHAIRS, CALL

ME.

(APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: BILL COSBY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.