Monday, August 10, 2015

  • 08/10/2015

"Married" cast mates Nat Faxon, Sarah Burns and Brett Gelman read #BadWeddingVows, offer holy advice to Republican candidates and receive transmissions from deep space.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)THE GENWORTH R70I IS AN

EXOSKELETON THAT SIMULATES WHATIT IS LIKE TO BE 75 YEARS OLD

BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, WHO'S GOTTIME TO AGE ANY MORE

IN THIS CRAZY WORLD?

THIS HIGH-TECH SUIT MAKESYOU FEEL ELDERLY BY LIMITING

YOUR RANGE OF MOTION,IMPAIRING YOUR VISION AND

SIMULATING THE SENSATION OFLIGHTLY POOPING YOUR

BRITCHES WHILE FALLING ASLEEPTO "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME.

>> WOW, THAT LOOKS FUN.

>> WHY?

>> HEY, PUT ON THIS SUIT AND GETBUMMED OUT.

>> I KNOW.

FROM THE MAKERS OF THE POPULARGAMES "ESCAPE THE RHEUMATISM"

AND "SIM BUNION."

"MUST GET TO SIZZLER BY 4:30."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEPURPOSE OF THIS SUIT IS,

BESIDES WRESTLING DIABETESPILLS FROM MECHA WILFORD

BRIMLEY.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER SUPERVILLAINS THAT YOU

COULD FIGHT AS 75-YEAR-OLDMAN.

BRETT GELMAN

>> THE LEGION OF MENOPAUSE.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> NAT FAXON.

>> PROSTATEO-ENLARGEO.

>> POINTS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORSTHOGWARTS SPELL.

>> WALMART IS KNOWN FOR BEINGMORE ANTI-UNION THAN THE

CONFEDERACY, ESPECIALLY AFTERIT CLOSED FIVE STORES DOWN

EARLIER THIS YEAR AND PUT 2200EMPLOYEES OUT OF WORK,

ALLEGEDLY AS PUNISHMENT FORORGANIZING.

NOW GAWKER'S POSTED THIS LEAKEDINTERNAL WALLMART VIDEO

THAT AGGRESSIVELY PRESSURESEMPLOYEES NOT TO HARBOR

ANY TREASONOUS THOUGHTS OFUNIONIZING.

WATCH.

>> AND WE ALL WORK HERE FORDIFFERENT REASONS.

SOME LIKE ME WANT A STEADY,SECURE JOB WITH BENEFITS AND

A SAFE WORK ENVIRONMENT.

SOME WANT TO GET PROMOTEDAND GO ON TO LONG-TERM

CAREERS WITH WALMART.

SOME JUST NEED A PART-TIMEJOB.

>> CHRIS: SOME OF US ARE JUST

CONVICTED FELONS WHO GET REALLYEXCITED WATCHING DRUNK WOMEN ON

MOBILITY SCOOTERS BASH EACHOTHER WITH SWIFFERS.

>> I DO. THAT WOULD BERAD. WHY NOT?

>> THE HAND MOTIONS WERE ALITTLE -- "SOME OF US ARE

JUST DEAD INSIDE."

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO PUT ON YOUR METAPHORICAL

BLUE APRONS AND GIVE OTHERREASONS THEY COULD PUT IN THE

VIDEO FOR WHY PEOPLE WOULD WORKAT WALMART.

>> SARAH.

>> I CAME IN FOR THE THISBEER KOOZIE, AND I NEVER LEFT.

>> YES, POINTS. THEY'VE GOTEVERYTHING!

WHY I WOULD EVER LEAVE?

>> BRETT.

>> EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT ONEXTRA-SHOOTABLE GUNS.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> NAT FAXON.

>> APPARENTLY I WASN'T BIGLOTS MATERIAL.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AS YOU MAY BE AWARE, EITHER

BY USING YOUR POWERS OFPERCEPTION OR FROM WHAT I

SAID EARLIER IN THE SHOW, ALLOF TONIGHT'S PANELISTS ARE

ON THE SHOW "MARRIED" ON FXBUT THIS-- THESE TWO WOMEN

LOVE US.

>> YOU GUYS ARE FANS OF"MARRIED"?

>> YEAH

>> NONE OF THESE OTHERPEOPLE HAVE EVER SEEN US.

>> NO ONE ELSE KNOWS WHATTHEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, MAN, GET ON THEIR TRAIN,EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HERE IS SOMETHING THEY KNOW A

THING OR TWO ABOUT, DIVORCE,FOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWAR,

#BADWEDDINGVOWS.

#BADWEDDINGVOWS. EXAMPLESMIGHT BE: "I VOW TO STOP

THINKING ABOUT YOUR DAD WHENWE'RE SMASHING."

OR "YOU'LL DO, I GUESS."

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> TO NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BADABOUT NOT WANTING TO [BLEEP]

YOU FIVE YEARS FROM NOW.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

NAT FAXON.

>> THEY SAY WHEN YOU MEETYOUR SOULMATE YOU JUST KNOW.

UNFORTUNATELY MINE DIED IN AGRUESOME BUS ACCIDENT, BUT

YOU'RE PRETTY GREAT.

BRETT.

>> TO NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BADABOUT GETTING FAT BY GETTING

FAT BEFORE YOU DO.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> SARAH.

>> IS NOW A GOOD TIME TOTELL YOU I'M AN ALCOHOLIC?

>> YES, POINTS.

>> I PROMISE TO ALWAYS LOVEYOU UNLESS I FIND SOMEONE

YOUNGER AND HOTTER.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> BRETT.

>> TO BE ON AUTOMATIC PILOTTHROUGH ALL OF THE TRAGEDIES

OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> STARTING WITH THIS

SHAM OF A MARRIAGE. POINTS.

>> NAT.

>> ♪♪ I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

♪ WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT.

>> TO ONLY SHARE FANTASIESABOUT KILLING ONE OF OUR

CHILDREN.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> SARAH.

>> I LIED: YOUR BROTHER ISBETTER IN BED.

>> POINTS.

>> SARAH.

>> ENJOY TONIGHT'S BLOW JOB:IT'S YOUR LAST.

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT.

>> I VOW TO LET YOU [BLEEP]ONE OF MY FRIENDS IF I GET

TO [BLEEP] THREE OFYOURS.

>> THAT SEEMS REASONABLE.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY AUDIOVISUALBIRTH CONTROL.

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH IS ABEAUTIFUL THING UNLESS YOU

ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD WITHTHE COVER OF "MAMBO NO. 5."

ALL OVER YOUTUBE, EXPECTANTPARENTS ARE MAKING PARODY

MUSIC VIDEOS ABOUT THEIRPREGNANCIES, AND THE LYRICS

ALONE ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUDOUBLE BAG IT.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA--(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUSOME MUSICAL PREGNANCY

ANNOUNCEMENTS.

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT TO YOUANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT THE

COUPLES RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM,OKAY?

FIRST ONE, THIS PARODY OFIGGY AZALEA'S "FANCY." I CAN'T

WAIT.

>> I'M SO PREGNANT ♪♪ CAN'T FIT ANY CLOTHES

♪ DON'T ASK ME THE NAME ♪ I DON'T KNOW.

>> I SAID BABY, DON'T KICKME ♪

♪ I MIGHT JUST GO PEE PEE ♪

(LAUGHTER)>> WHAT WILL THIS BABY GROW

UP TO BE?

>> NAT.

>> HIS PARENTS' KILLER.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> THIS "OOPS I DID IT AGAIN"PARODY.

♪ I THINK WE DID IT AGAIN ♪ I TOOK THE TEST

♪ AND IT'S POSITIVE ♪ A BABY

♪(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S JUST LIKE EATINGBLACK LICORICE.

>> AS THIS WOMAN'S FRIEND,TRY YOUR BEST TO SAY

SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUTTHIS VIDEO.

>> SARAH.

>> OH, SO YOU DID REPAINTYOUR BATHROOM.

>> POINTS.

BRETT.

>> WHEN YOU WERE LYING THEREIN ALL WHITE, IT LOOKED LIKE

YOU HAD DIED.

>> POINTS.

>> BREATH.

>> YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHATPARODY WOULD BE COMPLETE

WITHOUT A MILEY CYRUS ENTRY?

♪ IT'S OUR FAMILY, WE CAN DOWHAT WE WANT ♪

>> IT'S OUR FAMILY, WE CANSAY WHAT WE WANT ♪

♪ SIPPY CUPS AND LITTLEBODIES EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE WEDON'T CARE ♪

♪ CUZ WE ALREADY HAVING SOMUCH FUN NOW ♪

♪ SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVEANOTHER ONE NOW ♪

>> WHAT'S A GIFT ON THEIRBABY REGISTRY?

>> CONDOMS.

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT GELMAN.

>> A COAT HANGER.

BUT WAIT, NO, NO, NO, FORALL THE BABY CLOTHES.

>> LET HIM FINISH.

>> FOR ALL THE BABY CLOTHES.

>> FOR ALL THE BABY CLOTHES.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF KIDS,YOU GOT A LOT OF CLOTHES,

YOU'VE GOT TO HANG THEMUP.

COME ON, SICKOS!

>> THAT WAS ON YOU.

>> WOW.

>> WHERE ARE YOUR MINDS AT?

>> NEXT ONE, THIS "BLANKSPACE" PARODY, OF COURSE.

>> ♪ CUZ DARLING THISNIGHTMARE HAS NOW BECOME A

DAYDREAM ♪ SO IT'S GONNA BE AFIRST BOY ♪

♪ OR IT'S GONNA BE ANOTHER GIRL♪

♪ YOU CAN TELL WE'REEXPECTING ♪

♪ SO COME ON, LET'S GIVE ITA WHIRL ♪

>> OKAY, SO QUESTION HERE IS,WHAT DOES HER HUSBAND SAY TO

HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR WHENHE'S ALONE?

SARAH.

>> CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN.

>> POINTS.

POINTS.

>> BRETT GELMAN.

>> DO IT.

JUST DO IT, YOU PUSSY. DO IT.

>> POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE THIS PARODY OF"SHUT UP AND DANCE" BY THE

DEVIL.

♪ WE'RE HAVING ONE MORE BABY ♪ THIS CHILD HAS A DESTINY

♪ WE'RE LIKE OOH, WE'RE HAVINGONE MORE BABY. ♪

>> THEY'RE SO ADORABLE.

WHERE DOES THIS MAN SAY HE'SGOING WITH HIS FRIEND LANCE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> BRETT?

>> NONE OF YOUR [BLEEP]BUSINESS.

I SANG ON THE VIDEO,DIDN'T I?

POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE.

THIS COUPLE THAT CHOSE"BLURRED LINES," YOU KNOW, THE

SONG ABOUT GROPINGSTRIPPERS.

LET'S WATCH.

>> ♪ SHE'S GOT TO GO PEE-PEE. WELIKE THESE BLURRED LINES.

>> WE'RE HAVING A BABY ♪♪ I DON'T THINK I'M READY

♪ YOU BETTER GET READY ♪ WHAT TO EXPECT BOOKS.

>> DID THEY RECORD THE SONGWITHOUT LISTENING TO THE

MUSIC TRACK?

WE'LL JUST DO IT A CAPELLATHEN WE'LL JUST LAY IT ON.

I DO KNOW IT TOOK THEM 45MINUTES TO GET THAT CRAZY

BOOK TRICK GOING.

>> YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY NUTS.

WHAT'S AN EVEN MOREINAPPROPRIATE SONG TO MAKE

ABOUT YOUR BABY THAN "BLURREDLINES"?

>> "COP KILLER."

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT.

>> THE THEME FROM "THE COSBYSHOW."

>> NO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU AFACEBOOK RANDO WHO ASKED

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IFTHEY TALKED TO GOD AND WHAT

HE TOLD THEM TO DO, AND THEN IASKED YOU TO TO GIVE THEM ADVICE

AS THE ALMIGHTY. LET'S SEE WHATYOU GUYS CAME UP WITH.

SARAH, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> EXCELLENT.

PRAISE BE TO GOD.

NAT.

NAT.

>> BRETT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> IF GOD TOLD THEM THAT, THEY

WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAVE ANSWEREDTHAT HONESTLY ON THE DEBATES,

RIGHT?

>> I THINK SO. I JUST THINKIT'S A VERY SMART GOD

BECAUSE HE SUCKS THEM INWITH THE PINEAPPLE THING AND

THEN-- AND THEN HE'S GOTTHEIR ATTENTION AND THEN HE

GETS HIS MESSAGE ACROSS,DON'T RUN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OUR NEXT GAME, TRANSMISSIONCONTROL.

TRANSMISSION CONTROL.

>> 38 YEARS AGO, THISSATURDAY, A POWERFUL RADIO

TELESCOPE KNOWN AS THE BIGEAR RECEIVED A TRANSMISSION

FROM DEEP SPACE KNOWN TODAYAS THE WOW SIGNAL BECAUSE OF

THIS NOTE,

WRITTEN THE NIGHT IT WASDISCOVERED IN 1977.

THE ALLEGED 72 SECOND ALIENMESSAGE/BINGO CARD

WHICH CAME FROM THE STARCONSTELLATION SAGGITARIUS

SOUNDS LIKE THIS.

NOW THIS HAS NEVER ACTUALLYBEEN DECODED.

BUT TO MY EXPERT EAR IT SOUNDSLIKE THE ALIENS WERE

CONNECTING TO THEIR MODEM.

AT A SPEED OF 14,4, IBELIEVE.

SO COMEDIANS, IN HONOR OFTHIS MYSTERY, I WANT TO YOU

GIVE AS MANY OTHER MESSAGESWE MIGHT RECEIVE FROM

SPACE AS YOU CAN, IN 60SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

>> SARAH.

>> YOU UP?

>> POINTS.

>> NAT.

>> MAJOR TOM TO GROUNDCONTROL.

>> POINTS.

>> GET ME THE [BLEEP] OUT OFHERE.

>> BRETT

>> HEY, IT'S OUTER SPACECALLING YOU BACK.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> SARAH.

>> IS BILL PULLMAN STILLPRESIDENT?

>> POINTS.

>> TELL TOM CRUISE WE'LL BEBACK TO PICK HIM UP ANY

MOMENT.

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT GELMAN.

>> HEY, IT'S OUTER SPACEAGAIN.

I WAS WATCHING "RICKY FLASH"AND YOU KNOW, I HAD IT ON

AIRPLANE MODE. I DON'T KNOWIF YOU TRIED TO CALL ME BACK

AND DIDN'T LEAVE AMESSAGE BUT I --

>> POINTS.

>> BRETT.

>> HEY, IT'S OUTER SPACEAGAIN, I JUST REALIZED, I

PROMISED YOU THAT I WOULD GOSEE "RICKY FLASH" WITH YOU.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEMS SEEING ITAGAIN, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

>> ARE YOU TALKING THE MOVIE"RICKY AND THE FLASH."

>> YES.

>> I GOT TO DO IT ALL AGAIN.

I GOT TO -->> [BLEEP] NO. IT IS "RICKY

FLASH" AND THAT'S IT.

>> SARAH.

>> SAY "SQUAD GOALS" ONE MORETIME AND I WILL BLOW YOUR PLANET

UP.>> POINTS.

>> IT'S ME AGAIN, OUTERSPACE. I REALIZE I HAVE BEEN

CALLING THE MOVIE "RICKYFLASH," IT'S "RICKY AND THE

FLASH," PROBABLY, YOUPROBABLY KNOW THAT. I JUST

WANT TO BE CLEAR.

I WANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUTTHAT.

>> POINTS.

>> OUTER SPACE IS REALLYANNOYING.

>> HE'S REALLY, YOU KNOW, HE'SREALLY DESPERATE.