Miss National Park

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 09/30/2014

Ethel competes against Connie in a beauty pageant, and Steve and Denzel prepare for a threesome after they find out that they're dating the same woman.

- AROUND THE RUBBER,OFF THE AIDS NEEDLE, AND...

HOLE IN ONE.[laughs]

EAT THAT, STEVE.

- NO WAY.

THAT IS NOT GUM.

TRUST ME, I COULDN'T EVENBLOW BUBBLES WITH IT.

- STEVE, YOU KNOW I LOVE PLAYINGMINI-GOLF WITH YOU,

BUT DON'T YOU EVER WISHWE COULD PLAY AT A BETTER PLACE?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT ELSE COULD YOUPOSSIBLY WANT?

- HOW ABOUT A REAL WINDMILL?

- [humming][horn honking]

- STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME.

YOU'RE JUST WORRIED THATI'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

LIKE I DO EVERY WEEK.

- WANT TO BET?- I ALWAYS DO.

IF I SINK THIS NEXT PUTT,YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS.

SWEET, THERE'S A NEW BUM HOLE.

- [gargling]

- COME ON.COME ON.

- [breathing heavily]

[farts]

- YES.PAY UP.

- UH, I DON'T THINKTHAT'S YOUR BALL, STEVE.

[dramatic music]

- ETHEL, I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU'RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

PAGEANTS RUIN PEOPLE'S LIVES.

- WHY ARE YOU SO ANTI-PAGEANT?

WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOWABOUT THEM?

- MORE THAN YOU THINK.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

I WAS A WORLD CHAMPIONPAGEANT QUEEN.

- JUST REMEMBER, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED,BUT IF YOU LOSE,

JESUS WILL KILL GRANDMAAND SEND HER TO HELL.

- OKAY, MOMMY.

- OH, WAIT.YOU FORGOT YOUR ENERGY SNORT.

TIME FOR THE SKINNY BUCKET.

- ♪ OH, YANKEE DOODLEWENT TO TOWN ♪

♪ RIDING ON A PONY...

- BUT JUST ASI HIT MY HIGH NOTE,

I ALSO HIT PUBERTY.

- ♪ HE STUCK A FEATHERIN HIS HAT ♪

♪ AND CALLED IT...

[adult voice]♪ MACARONI

[crowd screams]- AH!

- DID I WIN?

- I HAD TO WALK HOME THAT DAY.

AND WHEN I GOT THERE,MY FAMILY HAD MOVED.

I NEVER FELT LOVED AGAIN.

I'M TELLING YOU, ETHEL.

PAGEANTS ARE EVIL.

- HMM.SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS

BECAUSE YOU CANNEVER WIN ONE AGAIN.

- I COULD STILL WINIF I WANTED TO.

- WIN WHAT,A PIE-EATING CONTEST?

A DOG SHOW?MOST BACNE?

BIGGEST SHADOW?WORLD'S SWEATIEST GUNT?

- I'LL SHOW YOU.

I'M GONNA ENTERTHE MISS NATIONAL PARK PAGEANT

AND BEAT YOUR SKINNY LITTLE ASS!

- WHAT'S GOING ON?CONNIE!

DON'T SPEAK TO THE TALENT.

- ACTUALLY, CONNIE HAS DECIDEDTO ENTER THE PAGEANT.

- GOOD IDEA, CONNIE.

ETHEL WILL LOOK EVEN PRETTIER

STANDING NEXT TOA RED-HEADED REFRIGERATOR.

- NO, I CAN WIN.

- WIN WHAT,A PIE-EATING CONTEST?

[laughs]

- I ALREADY DID THAT ONE.

- OH.

HOW ABOUT SWEATIEST GUNT?

- YEP.

- GODDAMN MALLOY.

HE'S SELLING THESE INSULTSTO EVERYBODY.