Shy Guy

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 03/17/2016

An injury gives Adam gets a bad case of stage fright, but he still manages to introduce fellow comics Anthony DeVito, Noah Gardenswartz and Neel Nanda.

[luau music]

- I'm sorry to wakeyou guys up so early,

but I just wanted to geta sunrise Snapchat.

I'm so into beauty,as of late.

- Adam, the sun rose,like, six hours ago.

- Yeah, but we'reon island time,

so we'll justget it in post, right?

But first, I have somethingpretty special for my friends.

[all mumble]

I would like toformally invite you into my

drinking crew...- Oh.

- The Rage Brigade.

- What?- Yes!

- We're a drinking gang.Yes, you guys are

the official first members...- That's amazing.

- And I know your sizejust from your frames.

- I don't want to say anything,but I'm already drunk.

- Honestly, I could tell.

- Yeah, man,I never go out anymore.

I'm gonna party harderin the next 24 hours

than I ever have.- I'm gonna die tonight.

I'll freaking kill myselffrom drinking.

But first, we gone Snapchat.- All right.

- Shirt on or off,what do you think?

- Let's do both, man.- Both!

- Yeah.- All right, let's keep it sexy.

- Uh, lean on that tree.- Okay, yeah, very good.

You're like a director.

- Little moreon the tree, yeah.

That's a pretty tree;you got a nice background--

all: Oh!- Oh, [bleep]!

- Oh, [bleep]![bleep]

- [bleep], I'm notdrunk enough for this, I--

Thanks for the jacket.

- Honestly, I'm too drunkfor this, I'm out.

- [bleep]Rage Brigade, bro.

Yeah, uh, man this what I looklike.

Uh, so...



I'm white, but I getto the airport pretty early.


8:30 flight, I'm there4:00 in the morning.

I've not had shoes onfor a week.

So every time that I fly,they'll pull me out of line

at the gate,and they take my license.

They want to know my nameand where I'm from.

It makes everything worse.

My name is Anthony DeVito

from New Jersey.

So yeah, not onlydo I look suspicious,

but I sound likewhat you would do

to make up an Italian.

Unless you know a guynamed Italy Lasagna...

from Chicken Cutlet Island.

It's almost likemy terrorist group,

they just ran out of moneyand then forgot

they had to get fake IDs.

Just like,"Sorry, we fucked up.

"So you got to beDiego Taco Truck

"from Nachoville,Cucaracha Noise.

Really apologize."

Yeah, I don't know.

Racism, that's somethingthat'll die out eventually

just because everybody'shaving sex with everybody.

So yeah, more and more racesare mixing.

In 100 yearsracists are gonna

have to be so specific.

They're gonna have to be like,"These goddamn 1/4 Mexican,

"1/2 Jew, 1/4 Koreans

"are ruining this country.

Ugh, their taco bankLaundromats, just..."

I live in Los Angeles.

I'm dating in Los Angeles whichis fun, uh, but-- - Whoo!

- Okay, uh...

But I don't knowif I'm dating girls

or if I'm just feeding girls.I have no idea.

I've been going ona lot of feedings lately.

Some peoplehave been fed, cool.

Like, I was feeding this girlfor like six months, right?

It ended because she sent mea text message.

It was a cool text message.

She sent me this text that said,

"Hey, could you come overand help me build my bed?

"Then maybe we can use it?

Winking emoji."

Amazing text, right?It's amazing.

I immediately turn into,like, a '90s R&B singer.

I was like...[R&B beat]

♪ Girl, I'm gonna buildyour bed, then lay you down ♪

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, and then I realizedI can't build a bed.

There's no way.

I can barely build a bear,and there's a workshop for that.

I can't--can't build a bed.

I did do it.

I went over there.I did do it.

It took me like 45 minutesto an hour,

until I called a man.

I was like, "Hey, Danny,this is Courtney.

He's gonna be feeding youfrom now on."

[R&B beat]

♪ Now I'm gonna watch some pornwith headphones on ♪

I do love weed.

I know, very brave to admit

at a surfer barin Hawaii, but...

I love weed so muchthat I'm a germaphobe

about everything except weed.

Like, I won't share a drinkwith my best friend,

but I'd let a homeless manroll me a blunt.

Do you understandwhat I'm saying?

If I have a drink,and my best friend

takes a sip,I no longer want that drink.

He can have it.

If I see a homeless manrolling a blunt,

I'll ask him if I can hit itand be like,

"Cough once in my mouthfor yes,

lick my face for no."

Try to avoid germs, though.

Try to be healthier'cause I had a health scare

at the beginning of the year.

Several months ago,my prostate was acting up.

So I had to goget my prostate checked

and when I toldone of my friends that,

he's like, "You better hopeyour doctor's not gay."

And I was like, "I absolutelyhope my doctor's gay."

If I have toget my prostate checked,

and I'm choosing betweena doctor who spends all day

locating the prostateand a doctor who spends

all day and all nightlocating the prostate...

give me the guy workinga double shift, all right?

[cheers and applause]

I want my doctor to haveas much knowledge and experience

with the body partthey're examining as possible,

and I don't care how theyacquire their 10,000 hours.