April 14, 2016 - Bassem Youssef

  • 04/14/2016

Ice Cube and Common weigh in on racial strife in the U.S., and Larry discusses Bono's call for comedians to battle ISIS with Bassem Youssef, Ricky Velez and Jordan Carlos.

-(cheering continues)-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, such a good crowd.

Please, you're too kind.Too kind.

Look at this crowdon a Thursday!

-CROWD (chanting): Larry! Larry!Larry! -Thank you.

-(chanting continues)-Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Thank you very much.

I'm not running for anything.

I am Larry Wilmore.We have a great show.

-(whooping)-No, you guys are too kind.

You're too kind.Oh, by the way,

political satiristBassem Youssef

on the show tonight, you guys.

-(cheering, applause)-I'm very excited about that.

This is a funny and brave man,let me tell you.

Uh, but, you know,first things first.

I need to get serious fora second, if you'll indulge me.

Um, we make a lot of jokeson this show,

but there's an issuethat I feel deserves

some real attention,and it's not easy to talk about.

But brace yourselves. Um...

-Ted Cruz hates dildos. Yes.-(laughter)

I said it.I know, I know.

I agree with you,I agree with you.

As Mother Jones dug upearlier this week,

in 2004 Ted Cruz foughtto preserve a law

-that banned the sale of dildosin Texas. -WOMAN: What?!

I know, ma'am.I'm not making this up.

I agree with you.I wish I was.

But, guys, I'm torn...this really gets me.

No, no, no.No, listen to me, listen to me.

It's such a shameto see dildos persecuted...

-(laughter) -and marginalizedby one of their own.

-(laughter)-That's... Right?

-(cheering, applause)-Yes!

This is what I'm saying.

You understand me.

I'd expect more from one of ourmost prominent human dildos...

um... and I just thinkdildo Americans

should be standing up...

for other dildos,is all I'm saying here.

But, you know, I don't know,I guess back in 2004

Cruz was just anotherself-hating dildo.

-That's, you know, that'sall I can say. -(laughter)

Um, but I'm sorry,you're right, you know...

uh, this comparison'stotally unfair.

Uh, dildos have actuallypleasured women, so...

-(laughter, shouting, gasping)-Yeah.

Bam! Bam!

I can't get over this, I justreally can't get over this.

Okay, here's the thing, okay,so, a brief that Cruz wrote

said, uh, using sex toys

was like hiringa willing prostitute.

Now, I knowwhat you're thinking.

"Willing prostitute"?Well, that's a strange, uh...

-(laughter)-choice of words.

Well, it's actually a legaldistinction. Hold on, guys.

Under the law,there are "willing prostitutes,"

which means they engage insex work of their own volition,

and "unwilling prostitutes,"which probably means

they just got hired by Ted Cruz.

-That's the distinct...-(laughter)

That's how you separate that.I am not making this up, guys.

Okay, now, Cruz also wrote...

(sighs)

This is a guy who defendsthis phallic symbol

but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol.

(laughter)

-(whooping, applause, whistling)-All right?

Which means...

which means he thinkswe should live in a society

where it should be easier tooff women than to get women off.

(laughter, groans)

Yeah, I went there,I went there.

-(whooping)-That's where I went.

Okay, now, now,this is the thing.

Ted Cruz, he goes onto lose this case,

and so now it's legalto sell dildos in Texas.

Which, by the way,makes me happy

as Texas' largestdildo supplier.

(laughter)

Um...

it's my side gig,

it's my side gig, you guys, you know.

Uh, I'm on basic cable--

brother's got to havea side gig, right?

But my favorite thingabout this story...

I can't believe this story.

This story makes me so happy,you have to understand.

Okay. But this is a tweetfrom screenwriter

and Ted Cruz's college roommate,Craig Mazin, and he says:

(laughter, whooping,applause, whistling)

Very nice.

That's good.

That's some...that's some good writin' there,

that's some good writin'. Yeah.

Now, on the one hand,that is awesome.

On the other hand,

now I'm thinking aboutTed Cruz masturbating, and...

-(laughter, groaning)-Yeah, I know.

I need to go throw myselfin front of a bus or something.

All right,moving on to our main story.

Uh, Bono, once again on TVbut not playing music,

was... talking terror

at a senate hearingthe other day.

Rock star Bono says laughtermay be the answer

to defeating ISIS.

The U2 singer told a senate hearing yesterday

the U.S. should consider using A-list comedians

to combat the terror group.

(laughter)

Wait. I-I-I-I-I....

(laughter)

Send comedians to combat terror?

Hold on a second.I am not doing that.

You speak violence,you speak their language,

but you laugh at them

when they're goose-steppingdown the street,

and it takes away their power.

So... I'm-I'm suggestingthat the senate send in

Amy Schumer and Chris Rock...

and Sacha Baron Cohen.

(laughter)

Thank you, senators.

Um...

um, while I'm intrigued

by the junior senatorfrom U2's proposal, um...

um, on behalfof those comedians,

I'd like to suggestwe send musicians.

-(laughter)-Um...

off to battle the terrorists.

I mean, um, seriously,Bono, um...

first you sneak that albumonto my iTunes, and now this?

-(laughter) -I mean,what the (bleep), man?

Um, I now would like to yieldthe remainder of my time

to the entireDave Matthews Band. Thank you.

Thank you very much.Thank you.

Thank you very much.That is Senate Hearing Theater.

Thank you very much, everyone.Um, but anyhow...

so I wanted to getanother comedian's take

on all this, so please welcomea very funny man,

-Gilbert Gottfried, everybody.-(cheering, applause)

-Hi ya, Larry.-Hey, Gilbert.

Wait a second, Gilbert,where are you?

I'm in war-torn Syria, Larry,

ready for action!

(laughs):Uh, hold on.

I don't know if Bono literallymeant to send comedians.

I think maybe he may havebeen speaking metaphorically

about the power of satire,you know.

That's not what I heard, Larry.

-(laughter)-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

When Bono issuesa call to action,

I answer!

WILMORE:Okay.

-(applause, whooping)-All right. Uh...

I mean, it's a little extreme,but, uh...

And besides,the whole reason

I got into comedy

is so I could one day

do battle with the world'smost brutal killers!

-Okay.-(cheering, whistling)

All right.

Um, that wasn't my reason,but I understand.

But, uh... but, Gilbert,it seems unlikely

that jokes can defeatsavage killers, you know?

Then allow me to demonstrate.

Okay.

If your friend asks youto give him a hand

and you have threeof them in your pocket,

you just might be a terrorist.

Um...

Look, uh,Gilbert Foxworthy, um...

I really don'tthink this'll work

against peoplewith guns and explosives.

Fine, then let megive you the joke

I used to kill Osama bin Laden.

Really?I didn't know you did that.

How many jihadists does it take

to screw in a light bulb?

None, they all live in caves.

-Um...-(cheers and applause)

So... you're telling methat killed Osama?

Sure did.Hey, Larry,

what do lawyers wear to court?

I don't know. What?

Lawsuits.Ha, ha!

What is...

I don't know evenknow what that means.

I'm getting wordthat because of that joke,

the ISIS stronghold of Raqqa

has just fallento the U.S.-led coalition.

-I don't think...-(cheering, applause)

No, no. No.I don't think that's true.

Look, look, Gilbert,I appreciate your effort,

but you reallydon't believe in this, right?

I mean, seriously.

-Hey, ISIS...-Okay, I guess you do, yeah.

...yo mama's so fat

she can destroy

hundreds of ancient artifacts

just by sitting down.

Try recovering from that, ISIS.

Okay, that's plenty.

Gilbert Gottfried, everyone.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

I guess, uh,maybe you got a point.

Okay, welcome back.

So, Ice Cube and Common

are in the new Barbershop movie

and I wanted to talk to themand I was thinking

hmm, where should wedo the interview?

Uh, I know-- a malt shop.

No.

Maybe a tool and die shop?Mm...

And then it hit me--(scoffs) A coffee shop.

Well, uh, we couldn't find one,

so we settled for a barbershop.And I thought we'd have

a real conversation about race

and some of the issuesin the community.

Hey, everybody. I'm hereat Little Tony & Igor Be Good

barbershop with Ice Cube andCommon, stars of the new movie,

uh, Barbershop. Is it Barbershop 8? Which one is it?

It's Barbershop: The Next Cut.

Full disclosure:we're not technically

in a black barbershop.I don't know what the hours are

at black barbershops.You take your chances

when you go there,that's all I'm saying.

Well, since we're in abarbershop, let's talk about

the significance of the place.Why do you think the barbershop

means so muchin the black community?

It's our only country club.It's the only place you can go

and kind of get that fellowshipand that camaraderie.

People is gonnagive it to you raw.

Like, that's what it is.Like, it's authentic

in the barbershop.

-It's authentic, right?-Yeah.

WILMORE: Now, race is talkedabout a lot in barbershops.

Like, you... Where do you thinkwe are, let's say,

on the (bleep)with attitude scale?

Like, should (bleep)still have a lot of attitude?

Middle attitude? Just...

I mean, I think they should havethe same amount of attitude,

because the days on the calendarchange but, you know,

our situationis not changing, you know,

as a-as a peopleon a whole lot of levels.

Why do you think that is?What's going on with that?

I mean, people thoughtwhen Obama came in,

-you know, racism was over.-Yeah, yeah. Well, I think

you know, um,somehow we had a hope

that it was going to just stop.And, I mean,

he obviously did every...is doing everything he can,

but it still can't changethe minds of deep-rooted racism

that's been in the system for solong and people, they feel that.

Though you have...you have Obamas,

you have the-the Jay Zsand Beyoncés--

you know, successful people,you know,

There's still peoplethat we're connected to

-that still have issues,you -know? So... -Right.

Just because you're successful,you shouldn't

-forget about that thoseissues exist. -Yeah, -exact...

And-and lookwhat we're successful in--

-you know, sportsand entertainment. -Right.

You know, it's like, uh,Chris Rock said, you know, uh,

"You know, I'm-I'm a big-time,worldwide comedian,

"and the guy that livesnext door to me

"is a white dentist.Why couldn't I just be a dentist

"and make it to thisneighborhood? I had to be

a big-time celebrity to gethere, and the guy next door..."

But seriously, Cube, you don'twant to go to a black dentist,

let's be honest.

-Of course you do.-Yeah, I do.

-But I'm-but I'm saying...-Let's be honest.

-But...-Let's be clear about this.

Oh, no.

I want to talk about the blackcommunity itself

and some of the issuesthat are facing...

Especially in the last fewyears, some have come up

more than others. And, um,I see it... A lot of people

pit gang violence, what'shappening in the community,

-versus police violence,you know? -Yeah.

And people kind of get it...They make this comparison

-all the time, you know?-Yeah. -Yeah.

Um, why do you thinkpeople feel the need to do that?

Um, you know, I-I thinkit's really kind of ridiculous

when you compareapples and oranges like that.

Citizen on citizen crimeis totally different

than governmenton citizen crime.

By the way, that's a criminal'sjob-- is to ma...

is to commit crime.That's his job.

-Yeah, without a doubt. -They'rejust showing up for work.

-Without a doubt.-Right?

-Police are supposed to protectand serve. -Protect and serve.

You guys are not doing your job.The criminal's doing his job.

-Right?-Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah, man.

It was once said,"Serve, protect

-and break a (bleep) neck."-I mean, the police feel like

-they're, uh... it's an usagainst them mentality. -Right.

You know? And they always talkabout no snitchin', you know?

-No snitchin' in the hood.-Right, right, right.

You know, they...Why won't they tell us

when there's a crimecommitted in the hood?

These people never speak.These people are never

gonna say nothing when wego and ask them who did it.

There's a no-snitchin' policyin the hood,

but it's a no-snitchin' policyin the precinct, too.

-That's exactly right.-Because when they see

their fellow officersdoing something wrong,

they don't snitch,they don't tell,

they-they keep it to themselves,so how do they expect us

to not have a no-snitchin'policy in the neighborhood

when they got a no-snitchin'policy in the department?

Maybe we can allcome together and agree that

there should not be snitches.

We could start a no-snitchin'police outreach program.

Yeah, without...without a doubt.

Let me ask you this lastquestion about your movie, okay?

What-what was it like workingwith Nicki Minaj?

I don't know how much actingshe's done. I'll tell you what,

describe Nicki Minajin 750 words.

(laughter)

I mean, you know, great.

(laughter)

-Good luck with the movie, too.-Appreciate it.

Thank you, man.

Thanks again to Common and IceCube for sitting down with me.

Go see Barbershop, you guys, The Next Cut! We'll be right back!

(cheering and applause)

All right! Welcome back!I'm here with my panel!

First up, Nightly Show Contributor Ricky Velez.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show ContributorJordan Carlos.

-(cheering and applause)-Yes.

And he's an Egyptian satiristwho's been called

the Jon Stewart of Egypt,his new documentary

Tickling Giants is premieringat the Tribeca Film Festival

on April 14, Bassem Youssef,you guys.

-(cheering and applause)-(whoops)

Yeah.

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly.

Okay. So we talked about thisearlier in the show.

Uh, U2's lead singer Bono

-was in front of the senatesubcommittee, uh, -Right.

this week. Uh, for those of youthat haven't seen it,

take a look.

Don't laugh,

but I think, uh,

comedy should be deployed.

So I'm-I'm suggestingthat the senate send in

Amy Schumer and Chris Rock

and, uh, Sacha Baron Cohen.

(laughter)

I would have lovedto have seen their faces

when they got that news, right?

So basically he's sayingif you want to fight terrorism,

-send in the clowns.-Yeah.

-Thoughts?-Allow me.

-Yes. -So whenever America(bleep) up in the Middle East,

-they send someone.-Uh-huh. Yes.

Basically, they send,first, troops.

-It doesn't work. Nowthey send comedians. -Mm-hmm.

And we have comediansin the Middle East,

and we have comedianshere in America,

Middle Eastern comedians,but they don't get the chance.

But you go with Amy Schumerand with Sacha Baron Cohen.

May I suggest a hashtag,#MiddleEastSoWhite?

Come on. I mean, come on!

-Come on, people. Come on.-I agree.

-What are they thinking?-Th-Th...

The-the... Here's the...here's the problem.

You guys are supportingthe same exact

military fascist governmentthat are actually kicking

and persecuting, uh, comediansin the Middle East.

-Yes. -So how about, like...how about, like, giving...

I-It's great. And-andhe actually said other stuff,

-then, like, "Oh, we have tosupport this and that." -Yeah.

No, military regimes donot stabilize the-the region.

They just delay itand they actually allow

-for more terrorismand for more fanaticism -Right.

and for more religious fascism.

-It just... And when it comes,it leaves worse. -Yeah.

-So stop doing that. Stop doingthat. -Yes, yes, I agree

-with that. I agree with that.Um... -Yes. -(cheering)

-Go ahead, Rick.-I just mean you said "we."

-Yeah.-Bono's not from here.

I don't want... I don't want totake his (bleep) on, you know?

I'm just... I mean, I don't knowwhy we're allowing him to...

Why is he at Senate? Whyis he speaking to the sen...

Like, I don't understand why weallow celebrities to go in front

of the senate. This dudehad purple-tinted glasses on.

-Like... Bono, like, go back tobeing a rock star. -I think...

What happened to rock...Rock stars used to do meth

and heroin. This dude's talkingto (bleep)...

But also Bono... I mean, like,I have a couple notes

for Bono, too. I mean, he also,like... These are some

of my favorite comics.Like, we couldn't...

-Could we send Carrot Topor, like... -Yeah!

-Oh, you want to get rid of somepeople. -Yeah. I mean, like,

Larry the Cable Guy would belike, "Git-r-done, ISIS!"

-You know? Like...-Git-r-done.

-Yeah.-Git-r-done.

-Git-r-done! -What do you think?Do you think...?

But can satire makea difference in these times?

Do you think it can actuallymake any kind of difference?

-Of cour... -Is there any meritto what Bono is saying at all?

Well, yeah,but, like, he's just,

-like, using the wrong tools.-Yeah.

-You don't send Borat to doour job. -Right. -(laughter)

So, the thing is, you have...you have all of this...

Well, comedians don't say"I killed." Yeah, sure, right.

-Yeah, there is. Because...-Murdered that crowd.

...the thing is, like, when youreally use satire, people start

-to think, and they don'tgive into their fear. -Yeah.

So this is the beautyof sarcasm and humor.

-So, and this why... -And thoseregimes are threatened by that.

As a matter of fact, Hitler--

the first peoplethat were evicted

-were the surrealists andthe comedians. -Yeah. -Yeah.

It happened, yes. I don't knowhow they make comedy in German.

I mean, it's...(making silly noises)

-I don't know, but they were...-(laughter)

Well, actually, there were...

CARLOS:But even that, they had to...

-Even that.-CARLOS: Yeah, yeah. yeah.

Yeah, a lot of themcame over here.

People like Billy Wildermade his comedies over here.

CARLOS: Yeah. Mike Nichols.I know other stuff, too.

Do you thinkyou can only be funny

about terrorismin the United States?

You got to be carefulno matter where you are.

You can't do certain jokesin Staten Island,

-so, like, you got to, like...-WILMORE: Yeah. -CARLOS: True.

You have to be safeno matter where you perform.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-And I mean, like,

we're gonna send two Jewsand a black guy over to ISIS?

(laughter)

-It wasn't a well thought outplan. -WILMORE: Yeah.

-It wasn't a wellthought out plan. -No, no, no.

I mean, there's other... there'sobviously other countries

where you can, you know, makefun... like, make fun of ISIS.

-You can do it in Canada.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

Uh... yeah, yeah. Yeah.

VELEZ: And that's about it.Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, and we're good. But youknow what I'm saying? Like...

-Yeah. Yeah.-So there's some definite rooms

out there, you know?

You actually said you felt thatTrump is doing the work of ISIS.

What did you mean by that?

Well, if you lookat the progression of ISIS

and the progression of the rightwing in America, it's the same.

-Mm-hmm. -I mean,we started with, like,

a kind of like, um,fundamental religious group,

then all the way to Qaeda.

Now Qaeda now looks likevery nice compared to ISIS.

Now look at the right wing.

They startedwith George W. Bush,

then the Tea Party,then Sarah Palin.

It's only logicalto end up with Trump.

WILMORE:I don't know if I'd go Sarah...

I don't know if I'd goSarah Palin to ISIS.

-VELEZ: Yeah. -CARLOS:Yeah, Sarah Palin to ISIS.

I think you're givingSarah Palin way too much credit.

Well, I can tell youone thing about Trump.

I think Trump...I mean he is...

I mean, being a racistand a bigot and xenophobic,

I feel quite at home, so yes.

This is...We call that Monday.

This is the Middle Eastevery single daily.

CARLOS:So you're saying the feeling

that you had before you hadto leave Egypt

was the samethat you're feeling now?

YOUSSEF: Yeah, but-but...No, no, no. I mean,

again, Trump is just one person.

But when you have the wholecountry with its all entities

behind that person,it's a totally different thing.

And it wasn't just Morsi.It's like whoever came after,

-because it's the same thing,basically. -Yeah.

WILMORE:Yeah.

So where we as, like, comedians

have a hard time doing that,but it did make a difference,

and, uh, I am still... I amvery proud of what I did there

because it actually inspireda lot of people

to actually do their ownlittle show on the Internet.

-WILMORE: No, it was very brave.-Yeah, yeah.

-I give you a lot of creditfor that. -Thank you.

Although, you know what?

If Trump does become president,it would be kind of like a joke.

-Yeah. -You know?-Oh. -Yeah.

So maybe that joke can, youknow, make people laugh and...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.-Yeah, yeah. -WOMAN: No! No!

-Make ISIS... Oh, wow. -No,not a good joke? -(laughter)

CARLOS: I think it's aterrible... It's a long way

-to go for... -Horrible prankto play on the world?

Yeah. It's a long way to gofor a punch line.

I mean, that's...-That's true. That's true. Okay.

YOUSSEF: To keep SNL for another ten years.

WILMORE: Yeah.We'll rethink that joke.

-We'll be right back right afterthis. -CARLOS: Yeah. -(laughter)

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