Wednesday, September 21, 2016

  • 09/21/2016

Donald Trump (Anthony Atamanuik), Cheryl Hines, Johnny Pemberton and Artemis Pebdani create a British In-N-Out Burger menu, list #FishTV and pry into a stepdad's web history.

Next up-- A BitOf The Old In-N-Out, In-N-Out.

California's fast-food treasureIn-N-Out opened a location

in merry old Englandfor one day only!

Pip-pip, cheerio,Fanny's a (bleep).

Uh, there was... there wasa line around the block

for people desperateto put something,

I guess anything with flavorin their mouths. Uh...

(laughter)

Look at all of thoseout-of-work deejays

-waiting for burgers.-(laughter, groans)

And you may have heardIn-N-Out has a special menu

with items like animal style,

which is a burger with grilledonions and extra dressing,

monkey style, which is a burgerwith animal style fries,

or human style, which is aburger made out of human flesh.

So, comedians, what aresome styles you might find

on the secret EnglishIn-N-Out menu?

Uh, Johnny Pemberton.

Ding-dong, whistle-ey bing-bong.That's just plain fries.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter)

Cheryl Hines.

Uh, English style.

It's condescendingto American burgers,

but secretly wants to bean American burger.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)

-Artemis.-Harry Styles style.

And really,it's a salad that gets tossed

in Elton John's hot tub.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

Points!

So many points for that.

PEBDANI:A butt sex joke.

That is the end...

Now I'm picturing it!

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Please welcomethis week's sponsor

that I am legally boundto introduce right now,

Mr. Donald Trump.

-♪ -(cheering)

It's my birthday.

-It's not your birthday.-It's my birthday, too.

It is definitelynot your birthday.

I want to sing,♪ Deutschland, Deutschland

-♪ Uber alles. -No, it's notyour birthday. Stop singing.

Stop it.It's not your birthday.

This is our...

Let someone else have a moment.Let someone else have a moment.

I have every moment.I buy all the moments.

-All right, fine.-(laughter)

This is our second-to-last nightwith Donald Trump.

Uh, we wanted--next week it'll all be over--

uh, we wanteda chance to discuss

the truly important issueswith him,

as he is running for Presidentof the United States,

so that is why tonight's hashtagis HowIWillFixEverything.

All right? Very educational.Examples might include:

increasing funding for Zikaand other dangerous diseases;

-No. -or: deal with NorthKorea's burgeoning nuclear...

-What do you mean, no?-Unbelievable. Hold it.

I'm sorry, Chip.Hold it right there.

Wha... It's the hashtag!

Listen to me, Chip Sajak.I'll fix America right now

by changing that stupid hashtag.

-It's a very thought-provokinghashtag. -No, it's not.

I want to provethat I can do Internet puns

better than anybody--especially your panel

of aging baristas here.

(laughter, groaning)

Tonight's hashtagis something truly dumb.

Hashtag #FishTV.

FishT... We can't do...That's ridiculous!

You're like a...an extra-large baby in a tie.

I would hate myself, then,'cause I hate babies.

I grind them up and thensnort them like cocaine.

All right, that's enough,that's enough. That is...

The hashtag is #FishTV, I guess.

What are... whatwould examples of that be?

Examples may include: Golden Gills;

or: Don't Trust the Beach

-in Apartment 23. -(scattered laughter)

-Isn't that funny?-Well, the crowd loved it.

-(laughter) -So I guessI have to put 60 seconds

on the clock, and begin.

-Johnny. -To Catch a Predator,

Such as a Shark or a Barracuda.

-Yes, points.-Excuse me. Excuse me.

-It's Artemis's turn.-Excuse me.

You don't even have a buzzer.You don't even have a buzzer.

-Excuse me.-What?

-Blubber, She Wrote. -All right, fine.

(laughter)

-Artemis. -Uh, The Fellatio with Matt Lauer.

-(audience groans)-Points.

-Uh, Johnny. -The Fresh Fish of Bel-Air.

-Yes, points!-(applause, whooping)

-Cheryl Hines.-Um...

Carp Your Enthusiasm.

Yes, points.Very good, very good.

-TRUMP: Excuse me.-What?

-Excuse me. Excuse me. -Whydidn't you just get a butter?

You paidfor the whole (bleep) show.

-You couldn't buy a buzzer?-I got a buzzer

and a butter, Chip.

-You son of a bitch.-And let me tell you,

I got the butter somewhereyou don't want to know about.

Let me tell you,I binge-watch this.

Sturgeon Things.

All right, fine.

Uh, Cheryl.

Stingray Donovan.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

-Excuse me. Excuse me.-What?

The People VersusRow Jay Simpson.

HARDWICK:Fine. Points, I guess.

Artemis.

-CSI: Pacific Ocean.-HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Excuse me, excuse me,excuse me, excuse me.

All right. No one is even tryingto stop you at this point.

-Gill Street Blues.-HARDWICK: All right, fine.

Gill Street Blues. Points.Cheryl.

-60 Minnows.-HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Our panel tonightis from Son of Zorn.

It's a hard-hitting drama abouta family shattered by divorce

trying to deal witha new stepfather.

Let's quietly and somberlytake a look at the clip.

(laughing)

What do you think?It's all yours.

(screeches)

Wait, this is for me?

Now, look, it's an older model,

so it's gonna have someparasites living in its flesh.

But the talonsare still razor-sharp

and it handles greaton murder swoops.

(cheering, applause)

Who would not wantJason Sudeikis as their dad

who they seeon alternate Wednesdays?

After seeing that, we decideddivorce was pretty funny.

My parents were divorced,

your parentsare probably divorced.

Who the (bleep)even married anymore

for more than a couple of years?

Except for us, sweetie,it's gonna work.

That's why...

(cheering, applause)

Well, we just got married, so...

Oh, that's amazing.

That's why tonight's speed game

is Things In Your Stepdad'sSearch History.

Answers may include

"effective untraceabletrophy wife poison"

or "Dockers factory outletthree-mile radius,"

I'm gonna put 60 seconds onthe clock, and begin. Artemis.

You're not my real dad,perfect response.

Points.Cheryl Hines.

How much Viagrais too much Viagra?

Points. Artemis.

Sister Christian guitar tabs.

Points.

-Cheryl. -Can you get gonorrheafrom a Porta Potti

at the Hall & Oates concert?

Points. Artemis.

Is Tommy Bahama cool again yet?

Points.

Johnny Pemberton.

Does semen contain DNA?

Points. Cheryl Hines.

Naughty golf caddies.

Yes, points. Johnny Pemberton.

-Cheryl Hines feet pics.-(Hines gasps) -Points.

-There are... there arefeet pics. -That's probably

-a real one. That's probablya real one. -That's real. It is!

-Yeah, that's a real one.-It's gross. I'm sorry.

Oh, that is. That's, like,second when you search

-your name. I looked it up.-Artemis. Artemis.

Um, Ashley Madison, notthe person, the (bleep) site.

Yes, points. Johnny.

Shark versus bear video--real or fake?

Points. Artemis.

Barack Obamabirth certificate official.

All right, points. Johnny.

Am I the father?

Points.

Yes, Artemis.

Please make more NYPD Blue.

Okay, perfect. Johnny.

HINES: It was a good show.It was a good show.

Uh, at what age do kidsstart remembering things?