Monday, June 15, 2015

  • 06/15/2015

Margaret Cho, Matt Lucas and Dave Hill announce #MyCampaignIn3Words, sell fancy toilets and compete for the title of Mr. Smallest Penis 2015.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

LAST WEEK SMASH MOUTH BROUGHTTHEIR UNIQUE BRAND OF

SHREK-ROCK TO THE TASTE OF FORTCOLLINS--ALSO KNOWN AS THE SHREK

OF COLORADO--FOOD AND MUSICFESTIVAL. BUT THE REAL HEADLINER

WAS LOAVES OF BREAD.

>>THAT'S NOT A BAND NAME. I MEANACTUAL LOAVES OF BREAD.

>> POOR SMASH MOUTH COULDBARELY GET THROUGH THE OPENING

OF "ALL STAR" WITHOUT IT RAININGCARBS ALL OVER THEM.

PEOPLE JUST STARTED THROWINGLOAVES OF BREAD

WHICH MADE HIM VERY UPSETBECAUSE MAYBE THEY WERE WHOLE

LOAVES AND HE COULDN'T CUT ITBECAUSE HE AIN'T THE SHARPEST

TOOL IN THE SHED.

BUT SMASH-SLASH-POTTY MOUTHUNLEASHED A PULITZER-CALIBER

SLEW OF EXPLETIVES SHOT BY ASPORTS JOURNALIST WITH AN IPHONE

>> YOU THROW ONE MORE PIECEOF (BLEEP) ON THE STAGE AND I'M

GONNA FIND YOUR ASS, AND I'MGONNA BEAT YOUR ASS.

WELL IF YOU BRING YOUR ASSONSTAGE, WHOEVER IS THROWING

(BLEEP) AT ME.

I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I WILLBEAT THE (BLEEP) OUT OF YOU.

>> Chris: AND I LIKE THAT THEBAND IS STILL PLAYING.

LIKE "I GUESS HE IS JUSTRIFFING. HEY NOW--"

LIKE THEN THEY'RE GONNA GO-- "SOMEBODY ONCE

TOLD ME THE BREAD WAS GONNALOAF ME."

>> ARE YOU LISTENING, WEIRD AL?LISTENING NOW? ARE YOU

LISTENING TO ME, WEIRD AL? COMEDIANS, AS A FOOD FESTIVAL

PATRON I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLDA LOAF OF BREAD AND GIVE ME YOUR

BEST SMASH MOUTH HECKLE. IWILL ASSIST YOU. MATT.

>> THE IMMINENT HURLING OFTHIS BREAD SHALL SERVE AS

AN INDICATOR THAT WE'RE NOTENJOYING YOUR

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE. PLEASEVACATE THE STAGE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> HEY, SMASH MOUTH, WHEN YOU'REDONE FILLING UP ON BREAD, WHY

DON'T YOU FILL UP ON MY BALLS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> DO YOU HAVE TO BE SMASH

MOUTH TO FILL UP ON HIS BALLS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>NOW, GUYS,

I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL HAVINGPARTIES BECAUSE TODAY IS THE

800TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE SIGNINGOF THE MAGNA CARTA.

>> (BLEEP) YEAH.

>> Chris: WHICH IS ASIGNIFICANT HISTORICAL DOCUMENT

WHICH PAVED THE WAY FOR MODERNFREEDOMS LIKE A FAIR AND

IMPARTIAL TRIAL AND TWEETING(BLEEP) THINGS AT CELEBRITIES.

IT TRENDED ON TWITTER TODAYWHICH PROBABLY LED MILLIONS OF

YOUNG BRITISH WOMEN TO BELIEVETHAT MAGNA CARTA

IS ZAYN'S REPLACEMENT IN ONEDIRECTION.

BUT TURNING 800 IS AN IMPRESSIVEFEAT, SO COMEDIANS WHAT WOULD

YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE AS A GIFT ONYOUR 800TH BIRTHDAY. DAVE HILL.

>> A HOT YOUNG 700-YEAR-OLDPIECE OF ASS.

WHO'S WITH ME? WHO'S WITHME?

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

THE WRITERS ACTUALLY FOR#HASHTAGWARS WANTED TO DO

#CELEBRITREES, LIKE SPRUCEWILLIS, SHRUBBY CHECKER OR

SARAH JESSICA POPLAR. YOU KNOW,CELEBRITREES. AND I WAS LIKE

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE CAN'T. EVEN IHAVE LIMITS. AND I'M PRETTY

WHOREY. SO LET'S MOVE ON FROMTHAT AND TO GET INTO THE

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION SPIRIT,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS INSTEAD

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORECIVICALLY-MINDED,

#MYCAMPAIGNIN3WORDS.EXAMPLES MIGHT BE GUACAMOLE NOT

EXTRA, OR EIGHT INCHES SOFT.

OR MONEY PUSSY WEED! I AMTELLING YOU SOME

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE'SGONNA HAVE THE BALLS

TO DO THAT ONE DAY AND THEY'REGONNA (BLEEP)ING WIN

BUT FOR NOW I WILL PUT60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, DAVE HILL.

>> SUCK IT CANADA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARGARET CHO.

>> EATIN' AIN'T CHEATIN'.

>> EDDIE VAN HALEN.

>> POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> GAY FOR PAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARGARET CHO.

>> YES, WEED CAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT LUCAS.

>> MORE SPIDER-MAN REBOOTS.

>> Chris: I'M GONNA GIVE YOUPOINTS

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE YOU WOULDGET ELECTED ON THAT PLATFORM.

>> YOU ARE USING UP THE PRECIOUSTIME, MAN.

>> Chris: I AM SORRY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

MARGARET CHO.

>> SMOKE WEED E'RY DAY.

>> Chris: DAVE HILL.

>> JUST THE TIP.

>> JUST THE TIP.

>> Chris: SWALLOW IT, BITCH!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY

THE REAL "GAME OF THRONES".

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: IF YOU WERE LIKE ME

YOU WERE SHOCKED BY LAST NIGHT'SEMOTIONALLY TORTUOUS "GAME OF

THRONES" FINALE AND BY THE WAY,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO

DO ON SUNDAY NIGHTS NOW WHENPEOPLE DON'T TWEET AT ME.

"WHY DON'T YOU HOST A 'GAME OFTHRONES' AFTER-SHOW CALLED

'TALKING THRONES.' I'M SORRY IWASN'T THERE FOR YOU EMOTIONALLY

YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO GETBACK INTO YOUR OWN LIVES SOMEHOW

AND FIND THE STRENGTH TO MOVEON.

SO, BUT IN HONOR OF ALL OF THAT,THIS IS ACTUALLY GAME ABOUT

TOILETS.

SO --[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THIS IS WHY ISHOULDN'T HAVE MONEY.

I BOUGHT A $7,000 ROBOTICTOILET.

NOW, NO, DON'T.

NO, THERE ARE HUNGRY PEOPLE INTHE WORLD.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY TO(BLEEP) THAT MUCH.

BUT IT HAS A SENSORSO IT GOES OVER AND THE SEAT

GOES UP TO ACCEPT YOUR WASTE ANDTHEN THERE IS A LIGHT ON IT AND

I AM GETTING ADDICT-- LIKE THISIS HOW THE ROBOT UPRISING IS

GOING TO HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO OVERSTEPTHE BOUNDS AND BE LIKE "CAN YOU

PUT A FACE ON THERE SO I CANLOOK IT IN THE EYE

WHEN I AM (BLEEP)ING? INTO IT?"IT IS GOING TO BE LIKE "THIS IS

UNFAIR." AND THEN -- AND THENTERMINATOR HAPPENS.

BUT THESE ARE SOME VERY SPECIALTOILETS WE'RE GONNA LOOK AT.

I WILL SHOW YOU A WEIRDTOILET CULLED FROM THE

GREAT SEPTIC TANK THAT IS THEINTERNET AND FOR 250 POINTS,

WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE TAGLINEYOU WOULD USE TO SELL IT TO

AN ECCENTRIC (BLEEP)INGMILLIONAIRE.

>> FIRST THIS MULTITASKINGTOILET DESK.

DAVE HILL.

>> BE FOUND DEAD OF A COKEOVERDOSE IN STYLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH, YES, DEFINITELY SO.

MATT LUCAS.

>> YOU CAN'T FIRE ME.

I (BLEEP)!

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS JAZZY TUBA URINAL.

MATT LUCAS.

>> AND AFTER THIS COMES THESECOND MOVEMENT.

>> Chris: OH, SO GOOD.

POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> REST YOUR BALLS ON THIS TUBAWITHOUT GETTING (BLEEP)ED FOR IT

FOR A CHANGE.

>> CHRIS: ARE THOSE NOT TOO TALLTO PISS INTO A TUBA?

>> YOU HAVE TO THROW IT OVER THEEDGE.

>> Chris: NOW FOR THE WOODWINDSECTION.

>> YOU'RE JUST MAKINGKENNY G BOILING MAD.

BOILING MAD.

HE IS GOING TO CALL CHUCKMANGIONE. THEY'RE GONNA GET

INTO A THING.

>> THIS NEXT ONE, THIS VERYTIMELY GEORGE W. BUSH TOILET.

"ON THE NEXT 'JEB!'"

MATT LUCAS.

>> EXACT REPLICA OF THE ONE ALGORE HAS IN HIS HOME.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

>> ALSO COMES IN BARBARA.

>> I WOULD GUESS GEORGE HASN'TDONE THAT IN QUITE A LONG TIME.

>> Chris: LAST ONE.

THIS AQUARIUM (BLEEP)ER.

WHICH IS VERY RESPECTFUL TO THEFISH.

MATT LUCAS.

>> KEEP YOUR GOLDFISH CLOSE TOTHEIR FINAL RESTING PLACE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A MICROPENIS PAGEANT IN

BROOKLYN.

THAT IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AND-- YOU KNOW, GOOD FOR THEM FOR

EMBRACING HOWEVER THEY EMBRACEIT.

I THINK IT IS GOOD.

NOW I WILL ASK YOU QUESTIONS TOSEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO

BE MR. SMALLEST PENIS 2015!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW MARGARET IF YOU

COULD DO ONE THING TO MAKE THEWORLD A BETTER PLACE, WHAT WOULD

IT BE?

>> I WOULD GET A LARGER VAGINA.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SEEMS LIKE A VERY FAIR QUESTION.

AND ANSWER.

MATT, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THEONE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU

WOULD BRING TO THE TITLE OFMR. SMALLEST PENIS IN BROOKLYN?

>> MY ABNORMALLY LARGE BALLS.

>> Chris: DAVE, YOU LOOK VERYGOOD TODAY.

>> THANKS.

>> YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT.

>> I APPRECIATE THAT.

>> Chris: DAVE, IF YOU HAD ONEWISH, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

>> AND YOU CAN'T SAY A BIGGERPENIS.

>> MY SMALL PENIS TO RAISEFURTHER AWARENESS OF THE STATE

OF UNREST IN THE UKRAINE AS IORIGINALLY INTENDED.

>> Chris: HERE, HERE.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,"JURASSIC WORLD" COMMENT

CARDS.

>> "JURASSIC WORLD", WHICH IS AFUN MOVIE AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT

BECAUSE IT HAS (BLEEP)INGDINOSAURS. IT HAD THE BIGGEST

BOX OFFICE OPENING EVER THISWEEKEND, PROVING THAT WE WILL

NEVER STOP LOVING MOVIES ABOUTHOW AWESOME IT IS WHEN HUMANS

PLAY GOD AND HOW NOTHING GOESWRONG WHEN THEY DO.

COMEDIANS YOUR CHALLENGE IS TOGIVE ME SOME LINES FROM THE

COMMENT CARDS LEFT AT THEPOPULAR TOURIST DESTINATION

JURASSIC WORLD, LIKE IN THEMOVIE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO. MATT LUCAS.

>> I FOUND A 40-POUND DRAGONFLYIN MY SALAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> A VELOCIRAPTOR TORE MYWIFE TO SHREDS.

I WOULD CERTAINLY COME BACK.

>> Chris: DAVE HILL.

>> THIS IS THE CRAZIESTANTHROPOLOGIE STORE EVER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE.

>> LESS DINOSAURS, MORECHRIS PRATT, AM I RIGHT OR AM I

RIGHT?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

MARGARET.

>> NOT ENOUGH VEGETARIANOPTIONS IN THE FOOD COURT.

>> Chris: DAVE.

>> NO FEATHERS, DINOSAURS HAVEFEATHERS.

LOOK IT UP, YOU (BLEEP)TEASE.

>> Chris: POINTS.