Wednesday, August 6, 2014

  • 08/06/2014

Jason Biggs, Jessimae Peluso and Kurt Braunohler watch the trailer for the new apocalyptic Nicolas Cage movie, list #ShartQuotes and come up with new ideas for Tumblr pages.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

I KNOW EVERYONE HAS BEEN TALKINGABOUT THIS TODAY.

YAHOO MOVIES BROUGHT US THETRAILER FOR THE NEW NIC CAGE

MOVIE ABOUT THE RAPTURE, "LEFTBEHIND."

UOU KNOW, THE REMAKE OF THE KIRKCAMERON MOVIE FROM THE YEAR 2000

LEFT BEHIND?

THE APOCALYPSE JESUS MOVIE?

LEFT BEHIND?

HOPEFULLY NIC CAGE ALSO TACKLESTHE LONG-AWAITED "GROWING PAINS"

MOVIE. WE'RE HOPING THAT --

>> OH, GOOD!

>> BUT, DAD, CAROL TOOK THE CAR,AND I HAVE A DATE.

>> WITH TWO GIRLS.

>> WITH TWO GIRLS.

>> WHERE IS HIS OTHER FINGER?

WE DON'T KNOW.

>> I THINK JOANNA KERNS HAS AGOOD IDEA WHERE IT IS.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE NICCAGE REBOOT OF THE LEFT BEHIND

MOVIE.

>> I HAVE NO SPOLIERS, NO FLAPS,NO ELEVATORS AND IF I RUN THIS

THING DRY, NO REVERSE THRUST.

I NEED SOME ROOM!

>> THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL YOUNEED TO SEE.

NIC CAGE IS TAKING A LOT OFROLES LATELY, REPORTEDLY BECAUSE

HE SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ONPREPREHISTORIC ( BLEEP ),

INCLUDING A CAVE BEAR SCULL,WHICH IS AWESOME.

IBUT ALSO CAME TO LIGHT INREDDIT YESTERDAY, WITH SEAN BEAN

#THEOTHERMR.BEAN. BEAN SAID --

I WENT BACK TO NIC CAGE'S HOUSEAND WE HAD A FEW DRINKS.

HE ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED OVER HISPREHISTORICAL CAVE BEAR SKULL

AND SMASHED IT AND HE WAS REALLYUPSET ABOUT IT AND THE NEXT DAY

WENT AND BURIED IT IN A FIELD.

ALL RIGHT NOW COMEDIANS, WE KNOWNIC MUST HAVE BEEN BUMMING SO

PLEASE GIVE ME HIS EULOGY TOTHESHATTERED CAVE BEAR SKULL.

JASON BIGGS.

>> GOOD NIGHT SWEET CAVE BEAR.SORRY FOR ALL THE TIMES I

( BLEEP ) YOUR EYE SOCKETS.

>> POINTS. JESSIMAE.

>> GOOD BYE, DARYL. WHY DID YOUHAVE TO LEAVE ME?

YOU SON OF A BITCH?

♪ ♪.

>> THAT WAS AMAZING.

>> I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTSFOR GETTING ALL BLUES TRAVELERS.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> I DIDN'T SEE THE HARMONICA.

I THOUGHT HER FINGERS WEREMAGIC.

>> THEY ARE.>> LET'S MOVE ON!

A RUSSIAN CRIMINAL ORGANIZATIONOF HACKERS THAT'S BEEN DUBBED

CYBERVOL IS NOW IN POSSESSION OFOVER A BILLION INTERNET USERS'

LOGIN INFO AND PASSWORDS.

IT'S NOT YET KNOWN WHETHER THISGROUP OF JACKOFF SMIRNOFFS IS

MAKING A POLITICAL STATEMENT ORHAVE PLANS TO SELL THEM ON THE

BLACK MARKET.

TYPICALLY WEB SITE LOG-S IN ARESECURITY QUESTIONS LIKE WHAT IS

THE NAME OF YOUR CHILDHOOD PET.

BUT COMEDIANS, IN LIGHT OF THISTROUBLING NEWS, PLEASE GIVE ME A

SUSPICIOUS SECURITY QUESTIONFROM A RUSSIAN HACKER.

JASSON BIGGS.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR MOTHER'S NAMEBEFORE SHE DEFECTED AND BROUGHT

SHAME ON THE FAMILY.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU 100 POINTS FORTHAT. KURT.

>> WHAT IS THE NAME OF FIRSTGIRLFRIEND?

>> IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

OH GOOD. IT IS STLL SHART WEEKHERE AT COMEDY CENTRAL.

WE ARE DEEP IN IT.

WE ARE SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLEOF THE WAKE OF SHART WEEK,

BUT WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONESGETTING IN ON THE FUN.

THEBIGLEAD.COM BROUGHT US THEINTERVIEW OF THE UNIVERSITY OF

KENTUCKY FOOTBALL PLAYER CORYJOHNSON EXPLAINING HIS WEIGHT

FLUCTUATION.

>> TWO STEAKS AND TWO EXTRAMEALS, YOU PUT ON 10 POUNDS?

>> I MEAN, I GUESS BECAUSE IPOOP SO MUCH.

I TRY TO POOP, LIKE, FIVE TIMESA DAY.

>> CORY JOHNSON, YOUR WORDSSHALL GO DOWN IN SHITSTORY.

SO TO HONOR OF CORY, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS SHART QUOTES.

AN EXAMPLE MIGHT BE WE HAVENOTHING TO SMEAR BUT SMEAR

ITSELF OR ONE SMALL FART FORMAN, ONE GIANT (BLEEP) FOR

MANKIND. YOU GET THE IDEA HOWTHIS GOES. 60 SECONDS AND GO.

KURT.

>> TURN DOWN FOR PLOP.

>> NICE. JASON.

>> OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO.

>> OH NICE, THAT'S ADORABLE.POINTS.

>> JESSIMAE.

>> OUR FATHER WHO SHART INHEAVEN.

>> NICE.

A VERY FAMOUS QUOTE.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGERBUTT.

>> JASON.

>> ( BLEEP ) HAPPENS.

>> YES, POINTS.

I MEAN, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

THAT WAS FROM THE MOVIE "FORESTDUMP."

>> "FOREST DUMP," YES.

>> POINTS. JASON.

>> TO ( BLEEP ) OR NOT TO-- AH,TOO LATE.

>> JESSIMAE.

>> SHOW ME THE RUNNY!

>> KURT.

>> THAT'S NOT KNIFE.

YOU ( BLEEP ) IN YOUR HAND.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> YEAH.

>> NO!

>> DON'T GIVE ME POINTS! I DON'TGIVE A (BLEEP)!

>> THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

>> I WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOTGIVE YOU POINTS, SIR!

>> ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME TO PLAY"AMERICAN APPAREL."

MARC, I WAS KIDDING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE--( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )THINGS GET SAID SOMETIMES ON

SHOWS.

PEOPLE, I HAVE GAZED INTO THECOLD ABYSS OF HAUNTING

EMPTINESS.

AND AN AMERICAN APPAREL MODELWAS STARING BACK AT ME.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU PICTURESOF THESE DEAD-EYED HIPSTERS FROM

AMERICAN APPAREL'S BLOG.

FROM THEIR ACTUAL BLOG.

YOU GIVE ME THEIR INNERMONOLOGUE.

FIRST UP THIS REJECTED DISNEYCHARACTER.

>> OH!

EVEN THE RABBIT IS LOOKING TOTHE HEAVENS LIKE, "WHY ME?"

ANYONE, GIVE ME THE INNERMONOLUGE.

KURT.

>> YOU MUST BE THIS HIGH TO RIDETHIS RIDE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS.

JASON.

>> I JUST PULLED A TRAIN WITHHUEY, DEWY, AND LOUIE.

>> POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )JESSIMAE.

>> MICKEY FINGERED ME ON THETEACUPS.

NEXT ONE -- HOW ABOUT THISPROUD PATRIOT.

>> I SLID DOWN A SOMEBODY PUT A (BLEEP) FLAG ONE ME. KURT.

>> CAN'T BURN IT, MIGHT AS WELL( BLEEP ) IT.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> POINTS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THECONSTITUTIONS SHALL BE ALLOWED

TO FORNICATE WITH THE AMERICANFLAG.

>> WERE YOU BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

HOLY ( BLEEP )!

I THOUGHT BENJAMIN FRANKLIN WASHERE.

>> OH, MY GOD!>> HE'S SO GOOD.

>> I SHALL NOW GO SEARCH FORELECTRICITY -- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU

KIDS UP TO NOW?

>> THAT WAS BILL COSBY BENJAMINFRANKLIN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THE DECLARATION OF

INDEPENDENCE AND JELL-O PUDDING.>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU GOTTA

DISGUISE... SITTING IN THE WOODSWITH A MUTE GIANT SO YOU CAN

AVOID-- YES, JASON.

>> OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE MY PUSSY?

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

CAN YOU?

CAN YOU?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THENATIONAL BIRD IS THE BALD EAGLE.

NEXT ONE, THIS PINK FLAMINGOLOVER.

YES, KURT.

>> I QUEEFED A FLAMINGO, NOWIT'S MY BABY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE MEPOINTS.

I DON'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ).

>> YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THOSEQUEEF POINTS AND YOU'RE GOING

TO LIKE THEM!

>> ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! THANKYOU.

>> JASON.

>> THIS IS THE LAST TIME I DO AROBIN THICKE VIDEO.

>> POINTS!

IT'S TIME FOR OUR LIVECHALLENGE, FAN FICTION THEATER.

IT'S ONE OF OUR MISSIONS HERE ON"@MIDNIGHT" TO BRING FAN-FICTION

OUT OF ITS SMUTTY LITTLE CREVICEOF THE INTERNET TO A WIDER

AUDIENCE.

WE STUMBLED ACROSS A NUGGETCALLED "KIDNAPPED," WHICH TELLS

THE TALE OF A TAWDRY LOVEAFFAIR BETWEEN DANE DEHAAN FROM

"THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2," ANDA YOUNG WOMAN, NAMED MICHELLE,

WHO IS-- SURPRISE-- A FANFICTION WRITER.

HERE TO DO A DRAMATIC READING OFTHIS SOON-TO-BE CLASSIC TALE ARE

THE STARS OF "LIFE AFTER BETH,"AVAILABLE ON DIRECT TV NOW AND

IN THEATERS AUGUST 15.

AUBREY PLAZA AND DANE DEHAAN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> HI, HOW ARE YOU?

THANK YOU THANK YOU, AND THANKYOU, CHRIS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I'LL BE PLAYING THE PART OFMICHELLE, A YOUNG FAN FICTION

WRITER WHO IS LOCKED IN A SEXUALGAME OF CAT AND MOUSE WITH TWO

HANDSOME ACTORS.

>> AND I'LL BE PLAYING DANEDEHAAN.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> THE DANE DEHAAN.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> OUR PANELISTS WILL BE HELPINGUS OUT BY READING SOME OF THE

SULTRY DESCRIPTIONS.

CAN WE GET A LITTLE MOODLIGHTING IN HERE TO SET THIS?

-- TO MATCH OUR SNAZZY CURTAINS?AND BEGIN.

>> UPSTAIRS, DANE WAS KISSINGMICHELLE.

>> SHE HAD PUSHED HIM JUSTAGAINST THE WALL, UNDOING HIS

PANTS.

>> HE LIKED THAT SHE WAS ON FIREWITH NEED FOR HIM.

>> I LIKE YOU, AND I WOULD LIKETO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

>> REALLY?

>> REALLY, MICHELLE.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT TODINNER, GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE

MORE.

THEN WHEN WE ARE READY, WE'LLSLEEP TOGETHER.

>> DANE, THE THING IS, I'M ANACTIVE GIRL.

I NEED SEX LIKE YOU NEED AIR TOBREATHE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I COULDWAIT.

>> SHE RESTED HER HAND AGAINSTHIS INNER THIGH.

( CHEERS )( LAUGHTER )

>> YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN, ARE YOU?

>> NO, OF COURSE NOT.

>> AND SCENE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> WELL DONE.

REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

WELL DONE.

( APPLAUSE )THAT WAS DEFINITELY WRITTEN BY

SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A LOT OF SEXBEFORE.

"TUMBLR? I HARDLY KNOW HER."

"TUMBLR? I HARDLY KNOW HER."

TUMBLR IS A PLATFORM WHEREANYONE CAN CREATE A BLOG ABOUT

ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.

SOME REAL TUMBLRS ARE:"SNAKES IN HATS," AND

"SPACEBEARDS." YOU KNOW, THEGALACTIC PIRATE TUMBLR.

>> I LIKE THAT THAT SNAKE IS ASAILOR. THAT'S FANTASTIC.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH TUMBLRS SO RIDICULOUS THEY

WILL PROBABLY EXIST BY TOMORROWMORNING.

IF THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS, YOU GETTHE POINTS.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

JASON BIGGS.

>> IMAGES OF JESUS AND PUBICHAIR.

>> POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> RAGING ALCOHOLICS ANDKITTENS.

>> POINTS.

KURT.

>> MISTER BELVEDERE SNEEZES.

>> YES.

>> ACHOO!

>> POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> GARY BUSEY UPSKIRT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> HA!

HA!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D SEE?

YOU'D SEE A SNAKE IN A SAILORHAT.

POINTS, POINTS.

JASON.

>> CATS ON BATH SALTS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> FUPA, A LOVE STORY.

>> POINTS.

YES, JASON.

>> WAITRESSES I PUT MY DICK IN.

>> .TUBMLR. POINTS.

KURT.

>> LEMONY SNICKETS DICK PICKETS.

Loading...