Dane Cook: ISolated INcident

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 05/17/2009

Dane Cook describes dropping his phone in the toilet and explains why he wants to adopt kids from around the world.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THINGS,REALLY AMAZING,

I WANNA SHARE WITH YOU GUYS.

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,

MY MOM DIED OF CANCER, OKAY?

AND MY MOM, IF YOU KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT MY MOM,

SHE WAS THE COOLEST, OKAY.

SHE WAS JUST A--GREAT SENSE OFHUMOR AND JUST A WONDERFUL MOM.

YOU COULDN'T ASKFOR SOMEBODY BETTER.

VERY ENCOURAGING.A REAL CHAMPION OF MINE.

AND JUST SUPPORTIVE NONSTOP.

SO AFTER SHE PASSED ON,

I WOULD GO TO PLAYTHE DELETE GAME ONCE IN A WHILE,

AND THEN I WOULD HIT THE Ms,AND THERE SHE WAS RIGHT THERE.

M-O-M,AND GUESS WHAT I COULDN'T DO?

I COULDN'T DELETE IT. NO.I COULDN'T.

SO I KEPT IT--I KEPT ITFOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

YOU KNOW, KEPT IT IN THERE,AND FROM TIME TO TIME,

I'D SCROLL THROUGHAND JUST STARE AT IT.

AND THEN RECENTLY, I WAS LIKE,YOU KNOW WHAT,

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

I'VE DONE THE GRIEVINGAND THE HEALING AND EVERYTHING.

SO I LOOKED AT IT,AND I WAS, YOU KNOW,

KIND OF SMILE ON MY FACE,I WAS READY TO GO,

AND THEN I THOUGHT,JUST FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I CALLED ITSO MANY TIMES,

I'M GONNA CALL IT ONE LAST TIMEFOR GOOD LUCK.

YOU KNOW,IT JUST FELT RIGHT.

AND THEN I WAS JUSTABOUT TO HIT SEND,

AND THEN I THOUGHT,

"WHAT IF SHE FUCKING ANSWERS?"

"THIS IS DONNA.GUESS WHO'S IN CABO?"

"WHAT THE FUCK, MA?YOU SAID YOU DIED OF CANCER.

IS DAD DEAD?"

"YES, YOUR DAD DID DIEOF CANCER, ACTUALLY.

"I'M KIDDING.HE'S RIGHT HERE.

GEORGE, SAY HI."HA HA HA.

THERE'S ONLY REALLYBEEN ONE TIME

IN MY LIFE,AND IT WAS RECENTLY,

THAT--ACTUALLY,IT WAS WITH A WAITRESS,

AND SHE FROZE MY BRAIN.

IT WAS REALLY INTERESTINGTHE WAY SHE DID THIS.

SHE FROZE MY BRAIN.SHE ASKED ME--

I HAD NEVER EATENAT THIS RESTAURANT BEFORE,

AND SHE ASKED ME A QUESTION

THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLEFOR ME TO ANSWER.

IT WAS ALMOST A RIDDLE.AND IT WAS SO SIMPLE.

I'D NEVER EATEN THERE.

I DIDN'T LOOK AT THE MENUBECAUSE I KNEW WHAT I WANTED.

I KNEW I WANTEDA TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH.

AND I LIKE THREE THINGSON A TURKEY CLUB.

I LIKE LETTUCE, MAYONNAISE,AND CHEESE. VERY SIMPLE.

SHE FINALLY COMES OVER TO ME,

AND SHE'S NOT IN A GOOD MOODALREADY, RIGHT,

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE WAITRESSESTHAT LIKE,

SHE'S BLAMING MEFOR THE FACT THAT SHE'S SO BUSY.

RIGHT, EVEN WHEN I SAT,SHE WAS LIKE,

"I NEED A MINUTE, PLEASE."

I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T DO THIS.

I DON'T TRAVEL WITH A GANGOF 40 PEOPLE."

SHE FINALLY COMES OUT,SHE GOES,

"YES, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?"RIGHT?

AND SO I'M KIND OF RUSHED,BUT I LOOK AT HER,

AND I SAID, "YEAH, COULD I HAVEA TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH

AND COULD I GET THATWITH ONLY LETTUCE, MAYONNAISE--"

RIGHT THERE, SHE RUDELYINTERRUPTS ME AND GOES,

"YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELLME WHAT YOU DON'T WANT ON IT?"

I'M SITTING THERE,AND I'M FROZEN.

HERE'S THE THING. I KNOW NOWWHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THEN.

WHAT I KNOW NOWIS I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THE [BLEEP]WAS ON THE SANDWICH

TO KNOW WHAT I DIDN'T WANTON THE SANDWICH.

SO I WAS SITTING THERE,

JUST TRYING TO KNOWTHE INGREDIENTS OF A SANDWICH.

AND THEN I THOUGHTOF THE QUESTION,

I GOT A LITTLE BIT PISSED OFFAND EMBARRASSED.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DON'T I WANTON THE--

"THERE'S A LOT OF THINGSI DON'T WANT ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT FOLIAGEON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT RUST OR ANY OTHERALLOY ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT A POLICEMAN'SBADGE ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT FISHHOOKS

OR MY GRANDMOTHER'S EYESON THE SANDWICH."

WHAT AN ASS-BACKWARDS WAYOF GOING INTO ANYTHING.

WHAT IF THAT WAS CUSTOMERSERVICE RIGMAROLE ALL THE TIME?

"YEAH, COULD I GET A COACH CLASSTICKET FOR THE FLIGHT?"

"YEAH, IS THERE ANYTHINGYOU DON'T WANT ON THE FLIGHT?"

"YEAH, I DON'T WANT FIREON THE FLIGHT.

"I DON'T WANT RABID DOGS RUNNINGAROUND, NIPPING AT PEOPLE.

"I DON'T WANT PEOPLE OPENINGAND CLOSING UMBRELLAS

"NEAR MY GODDAMN EYES.

"I DON'T WANT A SURLY CHARACTERSITTING NEXT TO ME

"PRAYING TO A GODTHAT'S NOT MY GOD

"IN AN ANGRY FASHION.

"I DON'T WANT THE CAPTAIN COMINGOUT OF THE COCKPIT GOING,

"'I HATE MY [BLEEP] LIFE!'

'WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.'"

THE POINT IS, I WANT LETTUCE,MAYONNAISE AND CHEESE

ON A TURKEY CLUB, THANKS.

I APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT OBAMAIS THE TECH PRESIDENT.

I KINDA LIKE THAT.ISN'T THAT KINDA COOL?

IT'S LIKE YOU SEE HIM,HE'S ON HIS BLACKBERRY.

AND I'M LIKE, "IS HE, YOU KNOW,

"IS HE PLAYING BRICKBREAKERRIGHT NOW?

WHAT IS HE..."

[laughter]

HE DOES, LIKE,YOUTUBE UPDATES, RIGHT?

ISN'T THAT GONNA BE COOL?

YOU LOG INTO YOUR MYSPACEIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, FUCK, OBAMA'S ON."

YOU CAN LIKE WRITE TO HIM."OBAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"OH, I JUSTDOWNLOADED THAT VIDEO

"OF THE KID SHOOTING HIMSELF

"IN THE NIPPLEWITH A PAINTBALL GUN.

"YOU GOTTA SEE THAT.

AND I'M WORKINGON SOME LEGISLATION TOO."

"OH, GOOD STUFF.

OBAMA, YOU ON FACEBOOK?"

"NO, I GOT POKED BY A ZOMBIE,

AND THE SECRET SERVICE TOOK MEOUT OF THERE, SO..."

I'M GLAD THAT MY PARENTSMISSED THAT ONE THING

THAT WAS REALLY UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY SAW ME HITTHIS GREAT SUCCESS,

IT WAS A BLAST,AND WE HAD A LOT OF LAUGHS.

AND IT WAS JUST AN AMAZING TIME.THEY PASSED AWAY.

AND THEN, AFTER I GOT FAMOUS,IT WAS LIKE ALL THESE HATERS

CAME OUT OF NOWHERE,

AND, LIKE, THE NEGATIVITYAND THE AMOUNT OF ANIMOSITY

WAS JUST--IT WAS UNBEARABLE,I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING, YOU GUYS.

AT ONE POINT, I SAT DOWN,AND I GOOGLED MYSELF.

I PUT MY NAME IN GOOGLE,AND WHEN I WENT TO HIT SEARCH,

GOOGLE WAS LIKE,"ARE YOU SURE?"

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I SAT THERE, AND THERE WAS,LIKE, 87 "DANE COOK SUCKS" PAGES

AND FOUR VIDEOSABOUT WHY I SHOULD DIE

AND ALL THESE COUNTLESS BLOGSWITH ALL THESE INNUENDOS

AND RUMORSAND [bleep]-UP THINGS.

I READ FOR 4 1/2 HOURS,AND I FINALLY SAID OUT LOUD,

"YOU KNOW WHAT,THIS DANE COOK IS A DOUCHE BAG.

AND I'M NOT A FAN ANYMORE'CAUSE ALL THIS IS TRUE."

THE WILDEST PART--THE WILDEST STORY I CAN TELL YOU

IS ONE DAY I WAS SITTING DOWN,I WAS READING SOME FAN MAILS,

AND EVERYBODY'S BEINGREALLY ENCOURAGING--

"DANE, YOU'VE BEENTHROUGH A LOT. KEEP GOING.

I KNOW THAT THIS HAS BEEN ATOUGH COUPLE OF YEARS FOR YOU."

AND THEN HERE'S THE EMAILTHAT I RECEIVED.

AND JUST BY THE NAME ALONE,I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

THAT I WAS IN SOME TROUBLE.

THE EMAIL WAS FROMANONYMOUS@YAHOO.COM.

THAT'S WHAT ROLLSINTO THE BOX.

SO I LOOK AT THE NAME,ANONYMOUS@YAHOO,

AND AGAIN, ME BEINGSO KIND OF ETERNAL OPTIMIST,

I WAS LIKE, "GREAT NAME.

SOMEBODY GOT THE ORIGINAL--"

AND NOTANONYMOUS2258KITTYKITTYLICKLICK.

JUST ANONYMOUS.

SUBJECT LINE:"PLEASE READ THIS."

TO WHICH I SAY,"OF COURSE.

WHAT AM I DOING?"

I OPEN IT UP, AND I'M NOTGONNA EVEN PARAPHRASE,

HERE'S THE EXACT LETTERTHAT I GOT

FROM THIS GUY,QUOTE-UNQUOTE.

IT SAID, "DANE, BOTHOF YOUR PARENTS GOT CANCER

AND DIED TO GET AWAYFROM YOUR [bleep] COMEDY."

[audience gasps]

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,"VERY UNLIKELY.

THAT'S NOT TRUE."

[laughter]

THERE ARE BETTER WAYSTO GET AWAY

FROM MY [bleep] COMEDY,MOM AND DAD.

JUST DON'T SHOW UPOR DO THE WHOLE FLAT TIRE THING.

TO TELL YOU IS WHAT I'VE LEARNED

THROUGH ALL OF THIS,THROUGH THICK AND THIN,

THE ONLY THING THAT REALLYMATTERS REALLY IS FAMILY.

AND I KNOW SOMEDAY I'D LIKETO HAVE A LARGE FAMILY.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE--I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE

A MULTI KIND OF ETHNIC,CULTURAL FAMILY.

I WANT TO ADOPT, YOU KNOW.I WANT TO ADOPT.

I WANT TO HAVE CHILDRENFROM ALL OVER THE GLOBE

IN MY HOUSEHOLD.

I WANT BASICALLYA UNITED COLORS OF BENETTON AD

FOR A FAMILY.

BEAUTIFUL CHILDRENWEARING COLORFUL SWEATERS

AT REASONABLE PRICES,THAT'S WHAT I WOULD ENJOY.

I WOULD LIKE A LITTLE SAMOAN BOYWHO'S 14,

BUT HE LOOKS 48'CAUSE HE'S A BRICK SHITHOUSE.

AND THAT'S GONNA BEHIS NICKNAME, BRICK SHITHOUSE.

I WANT A LITTLE IRISH GIRL,MOP TOP, FAIR SKIN,

WITH AN EYE PATCHFROM A BIRTH DEFECT,

BUT WE TREAT HERLIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,

EXCEPT WHEN WE'RE PLAYINGWIFFLE BALL.

"DADDY."

I THINK THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFULBABIES ON EARTH,

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL INFANTS,MAYBE HUMAN BEINGS--

WHENEVER I SEEAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN BABY BOY,

I DON'T THINK THERE IS

ANY MORE JUST HANDSOME INFANTON THE PLANET.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY I WOULDLIKE TO BE THE PROUD FATHER

OF A BEAUTIFUL BLACK BABY BOY.

AND I WOULD KEEP HIMTILL HE'S AROUND 11

'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN THEY STARTTO GET SCARY.

I'M NOT RACIST.I'VE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.

UM...

[cheers, laughterand applause]

>> I-I'M IN A NEW CLUB,BY THE WAY.

I'M IN A NEW CLUB,AND I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU'RE FIRST-TIMERSLIKE I AM.

I'M IN THE "I JUST DROPPED MYCELL PHONE IN MY OWN PISS" CLUB.

HAVE YOU DONE THAT?

YEAH.

YEAH, GOOD TIMES.

I'M ON THE PHONE,

I FORGET THAT I'M USINGSHOULDER TECHNIQUE.

URINALS WERE TAKEN, SO I WENT INTO USE THE REGULAR JOHN,

AND AS I'M STANDING THEREMID-CONVERSATION,

I WAS LIKE,"ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

AND IT JUST STARTEDTO TOBOGGAN

RIGHT DOWN MY POWERFUL CHEST.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH!"I WAS TRYING TO GET IT.

AND THEN IT HIT MY BIG, FAT COCKAND PFFT.

ONCE SOMETHING HITS THAT,

IT'S A LOST CAUSE.

[screaming]

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS NOTHINGSHORT OF AMAZING.

I CAN'T RELATE TO THE IDEAOF SUICIDE.

I GUESS I'M JUST ONEOF THOSE PEOPLE

THAT I'M ALWAYS, YOU KNOW,KIND OF OPTIMISTIC AND UPBEAT,

BUT ONE DAY I SAT DOWNWITH THE INTENTION--

I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,JUST TO KIND OF PURGE MYSELF,

I WANT TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKETO FEEL THAT LOW."

SO I DECIDEDTO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE.

YEAH, JUST TO KIND OF REALLY,YOU KNOW, FLESH IT

OUT THERE AND PUT ITON THE PAGE,

AND I STARTED TO DO THIS,

AND I HAD AN EPIPHANY.GONNA SHARE THIS WITH YOU.

A SUICIDE NOTE WRITTEN BYSOMEBODY THAT IS NOT SUICIDAL

IS CALLED AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

I AM ON CHAPTER 58.