CC Presents: Judy Gold

  • Season 3, Ep 15
  • 09/14/2000

I LOVE YOU ALREADY.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

HOW ARE YA? GOOD?I'M SO HAPPY.

THANK GOD WE'RE IN NEW YORK.

COULD I JUST TELL YOUWHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I JUST WAS IN ASPEN FOR A FEWWEEKS, AND I GOT ON THE PLANE--

I LEFT FROM JFK, RIGHT--ANDI'M SITTING IN THE AISLE SEAT--

'CAUSE I'M NINE FEET TALLAND I NEED THE LEGROOM.

SO THE GUY--I'M READING A BOOK--

THE GUY WHO'S SITTINGIN THE WINDOW SEAT

RUNS UP THE AISLE, TAPS MEON THE SHOULDER, AND SAYS,

"EXCUSE ME, I'M INSIDE YOU."

[laughter]

I SAID, "WELL, YOU'D BETTERGET THAT THING CHECKED,

"'CAUSE I FEELABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

WHAT THE HELLIS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

OH, IT WAS REALLY WEIRD--BECAUSE I'M FROM NEW YORK.

I'M USED TO THE SEA LEVEL.I CAN BREATHE.

YOU GO TO ASPEN,THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO AIR.

IT'S REALLY UNBELIEVABLE.

I HAD MY FRIEND--PATTY WAS THERE,

AND SHE SMOKES ABOUT THREE PACKSOF CIGARETTES A DAY,

AND SHE WAS SMOKING THERE.I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SHE'S BEEN SMOKINGFOR, LIKE, 25 YEARS.

NOW SHE HAS THE VOICE:

[in raspy voice]"HOW YA DOING?WHAT'S GOING ON?"

SHE COMES TO MEA FEW WEEKS AGO. SHE'S LIKE:

[in raspy voice]"JUDY,I GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

WHAT IS IT?I GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE."

"IT'S A TUMOR, PATTY.QUIT SMOKING, GOD [bleep] IT!"

THEN SHE'STHIS FAKE HEALTHY.

SHE THINKS IF SHE EATS RIGHT,

THAT'S GOING TO OFFSETALL THE HARM FROM THE NICOTINE.

I'M ON THE PHONE ORDERINGCHINESE FOOD A FEW WEEKS AGO.

PATTY WALKS OVER TO ME AND SAYS:

[in raspy voice]"I WANT SOMESTEAMED VEGETABLES--NO OIL.

NO OIL--DID YOU SAY OIL?I DON'T WANT ANY OIL."

[wheezing]

ISN'T THIS A NICE THEATERAND EVERYTHING?

AND THE GOLD THING?'CAUSE I'M JUDY GOLD?

[applause]

I'VE HAD A GREAT FEW YEARS.

I HAVE TO SAY I HAD ANINCREDIBLE GIG 2 1/2 YEARS AGO.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

I PERFORMEDAT A DEMOCRATIC FUND-RAISER

IN MIAMI BEACHABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS AGO,

AND I PERFORMEDFOR PRESIDENT CLINTON,

AND I DID STAND-UP COMEDYFOR HIM AS WELL.

AND IT WAS SUCHAN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

[laughter]

BUT IT WAS REALLY WEIRDBECAUSE THE SECRET SERVICE

CAME UP TO ME BEFORE THE SHOW,AND THEY'RE TELLING ME,

"DON'T DO THIS JOKE;DON'T LOOK AT THAT PERSON;

DON'T SAY THIS."

TELL ME NOT TO DO SOMETHING,IT'S THE FIRST THING I DO.

I HATE RULES.ANYONE LIKE THAT?

[scattered applause]YOU'RE CLAPPING FOR THAT?

ALL RIGHT.SO--

[laughter]

I PERFORMED A YEAR AGO

FOR THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONOF WOMEN IN WASHINGTON.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

IT WAS AT A PRO-CHOICE BENEFIT,

AND THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE WASFILLED WITH HARDENED FEMINISTS

WHO HAVE WORKED THEIR ENTIRELIVES FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS.

ALL I WANTED TO DOWAS RUN ON STAGE AND SAY,

"SO THE OTHER DAYI WAS SCRUBBING THE TOILET

WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS [bleep]ME UP THE ASS,"

AND I SAID--

[laughter]

I SAID, "HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND HE SAID, "YOU FORGOTTO PICK UP MY DRY CLEANING."

AND THEN HE HIT ME,AND THEN I SAID "I'M SORRY."

[laughter]

"I LOVE YOU, AND I'MNOTHING WITHOUT YOU, POOPY.

"SO YOU LET ME MAKE YOU DINNER,

HONEY-BUNCHY POOPY-HEAD,OKAY?"

ANYONE FROM BROOKLYN?ANY BROOKLYN-ITES?

[cheering]

REALLY?HONEST TO GOD?

I LOVE BROOKLYN.I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THIS.

TWO YEARS AGO--

HONEST TO GOD--TRUE STORY.

TWO HASIDIC RABBISWERE CONVICTED OF LAUNDERING

COLOMBIAN DRUG MONEYTHROUGH THEIR SYNAGOGUE--

IN A YESHIVA IN BROOKLYN.I SWEAR TO GOD.

ISN'T IT TRUE?I SWEAR TO GOD IT'S TRUE.

I ACTUALLY THINKTHEY'RE INNOCENT

BECAUSE THOSE HASIDIMDON'T LAUNDER ANYTHING.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THATFOR A FEW MINUTES, SHALL WE?

[laughter]

THEY'RE GOING TO GET THATIN INDIANA, BUT--

[laughter]

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT SHOW.DO YOU LOVE THE SHOW?

ISN'T IT THE BEST SHOW?YOU DON'T WATCH IT?

IT IS THE--YOU WANNA KNOWWHY THIS SHOW'S GREAT?

IT'S NOT THE SUSPENSEAND ANTICIPATION.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,

NO OTHER SHOWIN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY

HAS MADE ME FEELSMARTER OR MORE ATTRACTIVE.

THAT'S WHY THAT SHOW IS SO--

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

OH, BUT THE FIRST WEEKIT WAS ON--

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW IT--

THEY HAD THIS GAY GUY ON.HE WAS SO FUNNY.

AND, YOU KNOW, REGISWAS LIKE, "FINAL ANSWER?"

[lisping]"FINAL ANSWER, REGIS."

[laughter]

BUT IT WAS HILARIOUS,'CAUSE THE GUY WON $32,000,

AND HE CAME BACK THE NEXT NIGHT.

AND REGIS SAYS TO HIM,"IF YOU WIN THE MILLION,

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

[lisping]"I'M GOING TO BARNEYSAND BUY 50 PAIRS OF SHOES."

[laughter]

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

LAW AND ORDER--ANOTHER OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS.

DO YOU, LIKE, THE SHOW?IT'S A GREAT SHOW.

[applause]

A FEW WEEKS AGO--

I HAVE TO TELL YOU--THIS IS TRUE.

I ACTUALLY TAPEDAN EPISODE OF LAW AND ORDER.

IT WAS ALL DAY FRIDAY--IT WAS GREAT.

AND WEDNESDAY--

THE WEDNESDAY PRIOR--I GET THIS CALL.

[in nasal voice]"HI, JUDY.

"IT'S JENNIFERFROM LAW AND ORDER.

I'M HEAD OF WARDROBE."

"HI, JENNIFER."

"WE'RE SO EXCITEDABOUT HAVING YOU ON."

"THANKS."

"LISTEN,I JUST NEED YOUR SIZES."

"OKAY."

"HOW TALL ARE YOU?"

"6'3"."

"OKAY, AND HOW MUCHDO YOU WEIGH?"

"180."

"AND YOUR SHOE SIZE?"

"12."

"OKAY, GREAT.

"IS THERE ANYTHING YOUCOULD BRING FROM YOUR CLOSET

THAT THE CHARACTER MIGHT WEAR?"

I'M ON THE SUBWAYWITH A BIG SUITCASE,

THINKING I'M, LIKE, MAKINGTHIS BIG CAREER MOVE.

AND THEN I GET THERE,AND JENNIFER SAYS,

"OH, WE ALWAYS MAKE EVERYONEBRING THEIR OWN CLOTHES."

I'M LIKE, "IF YOU DID THAT,YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A JOB, OKAY?"

I USUALLY DON'T GET NERVOUS,

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU WORK WITHTHESE BIG ACTORS--I GET REALLY--

WOULDN'T YOUGET NERVOUS ABOUT THAT?

I ACTUALLY HAD ANXIETYFOR SO LONG,

I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST,AND I SAID TO THE GUY,

"I'M CONSTANTLY ANXIOUS.WHAT DO I DO?"

HE TOLD ME I HAVEOBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

I WAS SHOCKED.

I HAD TO CALL HIM NINE TIMESTO MAKE SURE,

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAYTHAT I HAVE THIS--SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD?

ONE OBSESSION IS,I HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

I HAVE TO PICK UP THE PHONE.I CAN'T STAND IT.

IT'S REALLY BAD,BECAUSE I REMEMBER ONE TIME

I HAD FOOD POISONING--HAVEYOU EVER HAD FOOD POISONING?

(woman) YES.

IT IS THE MOSTDEBILITATING THING, IS IT NOT?

AND THIS REALLY MADE ME HATEMY IDIOT FRIENDS.

I'M DEAD ON THE BED,YOU KNOW,

WITH THE FOOD POISONING,AND THE PHONE RINGS.

SO I HAVE TO ANSWER.I'M LIKE:

[in sickly voice]"HELLO?"

"WHAT'S WRONG?"

"I HAVE FOOD POISONING."

"OH, WHAT'D YOU EAT?"

[laughter]

"WHAT IS THE LAST THING THATI WANT TO THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

"I HAD MAHIMAHI, OKAY?IT WAS DELICIOUS.

"ACTUALLY IT WAS BETTERTHE SECOND TIME ON THE WAY UP.

"I TASTED STUFF I HAD NO IDEAWAS IN THE RECIPE.

"YOU KNOW, I'D LOVETO SIT AND CHAT,

"BUT I'VE GOTTA RUNAND TAKE A [bleep] NOW.

"CALL ME LATER. I'LL BE [bleep]AND PUKING AT THE SAME TIME.

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO BRINGTHE VIDEO CAMERA.

THANKS FOR CALLING."

THIS IS WHY CALLER I.D.IS THE GREATEST INVENTION.

I LOVE CALLER I.D.DO YOU HAVE THE CALLER I.D.?

GREATEST INVENTION--KNOW WHY?

IF YOU HATE SOMEONE, YOU NEVERHAVE TO TALK TO THAT PERSON.

ANY TIME I SEEIT'S MY MOTHER'S NUMBER,

I CAN PICK UP THE PHONE.

I GO, "PUT THE GUN DOWN!LEAVE ME ALONE!"

THEN I HANG UP. IT'S GOODFOR HER HEART CONDITION.

SHE REALLY GETSON MY NERVES AND--

[laughter]

SHE JUST GOT AN ANSWERINGMACHINE FOR HER HOUSE, RIGHT?

SO I CALLED HERWHILE SHE WASN'T AT HOME

TO SEE WHAT THE MESSAGE WAS.

FIRST OF ALL,IT'S, LIKE, TWO HOURS LONG.

IT'S LIKE THE FIRST DRAFT OF HERREALLY BORING AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

[laughter]

"YOU HAVE REACHED 478-[...].I LIVE AT 310 GIBSON BOULEVARD.

"ON TUESDAYS FROM 8:00 TO 11:30,

"I GO TO BINGOAT THE SYNAGOGUE TO HELP OUT;

"THE MONEY IS IN THE TOP DRAWEROF MY DRESSER IN THE BEDROOM;

THE KEY IS UNDER THE MAT"--

"MA, SHUT UP!"

[laughter]

SHE'S SO NEGATIVE.I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A 3 1/2YEAR-OLD SON WHO IS A GENIUS.

HE'S THE GREATEST THING,AND THIS IS SO "MY MOTHER":

ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO--THIS IS TRUE--

HE WAS SITTING IN THE CAR SEATIN THE BACK,

AND MY MOTHER WAS SITTINGIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT--

WE WERE GOING SOMEWHERE--

BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS SITSIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT

BECAUSE SHE LIKES THE LEGROOM.

I CAN HAVE A MUTE PARAPLEGICFRIEND WHO NEEDS A RIDE,

AND MY MOTHER WILL STILL SITIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT.

CHRISTOPHER REEVECOULD NEED A RIDE,

AND SHE WOULD TIE HIMTO THE LICENSE PLATE

AND LET HIM ROLL DOWN THE STREETBEHIND US

SO SHE CAN GET THE LEGROOM.

ANYWAYS, SO SHE GETS IN THE CAR,

AND SHE SITSON ONE OF MY SON'S TOYS.

AND IT'S--THE TOY HAS ALLTHESE DIFFERENT COLORS ON IT.

AND THIS IS HOW NEGATIVE SHE IS.

SHE PICKS THE TOY UP, AND SAYSTO MY SON IN THE BACK SEAT:

"HENRY, WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

[in boyish voice]"BLUE."

"WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

"GREEN."

"WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

"PURPLE."

PUTS THE TOY DOWNAND AND SAYS,

"WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOWHE'S NOT COLOR-BLIND."

[laughter]

I'M LIKE, "WHY CAN'T YOU SAY, HE KNOWS HIS COLORS,

LIKE A NORMAL GRANDMOTHERWOULD SAY?"

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?SHE NEEDS TO GET LAID.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY--

[laughter]NO, I'M NOT--SHE NEEDS A COMPANION.

OH, YOU'RE SO CONSERVATIVE.

I FEEL LIKE I'M AT A RIGHT-WINGCONSERVATIVE CONVENTION HERE.

NO, I REALLY DO.I THINK SHE NEEDS TO, YOU KNOW,

HAVE A LITTLE--NOT THAT I WANTTO IMAGINE MY MOTHER HAVING SEX.

THAT ISTHE MOST DISGUSTING THING.

"COULD YOU TRYNOT TO MOVE A LOT?

I HAVE VERTIGO, AND I TENDTO GET DIZZY VERY EASILY."

[laughter]

"CAN WE LEAVESOME WATER BY THE BED?

"MY MEDICATIONMAKES ME DEHYDRATED.

"CAN MY AID STAY IN THE ROOM

IN CASE I NEEDTO GET UP AT ALL DURING"--

BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY IS SOPREJUDICED AGAINST THE ELDERLY.

IT'S TRUE--ESPECIALLY OLDER WOMEN.

THEY HAVE A HARD TIMEMEETING PEOPLE.

I HAVE A SOLUTIONTO THE PROBLEM.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

THEY SHOULD HAVE A GERIATRICDATING GAME ON TELEVISION.

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

I COULD BE THE HOST.

MY MOTHER COULD BETHE FIRST CONTESTANT.

IT WOULD BE BRILLIANT.

[mimicking mother]"BACHELOR #1:I'M GETTING AN M.R.I.

[laughter]

"THEY DRILL A HOLEIN THE APPARATUS

SO THAT YOU COULD WHISPERSOMETHING TO ME."

[laughter]

"IN YOUR SEXIEST VOICE,WHAT DO YOU SAY?"

[laughter]

"BACHELOR #2: WE'REAT A DINNER DANCE AT THE TEMPLE.

I FALL AND BREAK A HIP."

[laughter]

"DO YOU "A", STAY WITH MEON THE DANCE FLOOR?

""B," RUN AND GET HELP?

"OR "C," LEAVE ME THERETO DROP DEAD

JUST LIKE MY KIDS WOULD DO?"

[laughter]

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT SHOW BE?I'M TELLING YA.

I'M GETTING THAT SHOWON THE AIR.

OH, I LOVE YOU.I LOVE YOU ALL.

MY MOTHER USED TO SAY TO ME,

"WHEN YOU GROW UPAND HAVE KIDS,

I HOPE THE KID TURNS OUTTO BE JUST LIKE YOU."

EVERY DAY I HEARD THIS.

I'M SO AFRAIDTHIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S MY BIGGEST FEAR, BECAUSEI LOVE TO TORTURE MY MOTHER.

IT'S MY GREATEST--MY GREATEST LOVE, REALLY.

I LOVE TO TORTURE HER.IT'S SO--IT'S SO SATISFYING.

BUT OH, IF YOU WANTTO PISS YOUR MOTHER OFF--

OH, THIS IS GOOD.YOU COULD DO THIS.

'CAUSE--WITH YOUR BOYFRIENDAND THE BALLOONS AND EVERYTHING.

IF YOU WANT TO PISSYOUR MOTHER OFF, DO THIS.

NEXT TIMEYOU'RE DRIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER,

STOP IN FRONTOF THE LOCAL STRIP JOINT,

AND SAY, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.I JUST HAVE PICK UP MY CHECK."

GET IT?

[laughter and applause]

I DID THAT JOKE IN ATLANTA,AND SOMEONE YELLED OUT,

"WE GET PAID CASH."

[laughter]

OH, I LOVE THE ROAD.

BUT I CAN'T GO OUTWITH MY MOTHER ANYMORE.

SHE'S SO ANNOYING.

LISTEN TO THIS.12 YEARS AGO, IN 1988, OKAY?

12 YEARS AGO, MY MOTHER GETS HERCATARACTS REMOVED--12 YEARS AGO.

SO 12 YEARS AGO,

THE DOCTOR GIVES HERTHESE ENORMOUS SUNGLASSES

TO WEAR TO PROTECT HER EYES

FROM THE SUN FOR FOUR TO SIXWEEKS AFTER THE OPERATION--

12 YEARS AGO.

SHE STILL WEARS THEM.SHE THINKS THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE.

SHE LOOKS LIKE BEA ARTHURAS A WELDER.

I CAN'T EVEN WALKDOWN THE STREET.

IT'S SO ANNOYING.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOINGA WHOLE MUSICAL REVIEW

OF MY MOTHER'S LIFE.

IT'S GOING TO BEON BROADWAY SOON.

IT'S IN PREVIEWS NOW.YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO SEE IT.

IT'S CALLED VICTIM VICTORIUM, SO--

[laughter]

IT'S A JEWISH THING.

ARE THERE ANYJEWISH PEOPLE HERE?

[scattered applause]

THEY'RE SCATTERED AROUND--JEWISH, SURE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

(man) JEFF.

HEY, JEFF,WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'M A STUDENT.

WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING?

BUSINESS.

BUSINESS? THAT'S A SHOCK.

AND WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

BABSON.

BABSON? WHERE'S BABSON?

BOSTON.

THERE'S ANOTHER PERSONFROM BABSON?

ARE YOU--SWEAR TO GOD?IS IT A BIG, POPULAR SCHOOL?

(man) NO.

ALL RIGHT.

[laughter]

BABSON? THAT'S LIKE B.U., ANDTHEN BABSON IS RIGHT BY THERE?

HOW BAD DID YOU DO ON YOUR S.A.T.s, SERIOUSLY?

[laughter]

NO, I'M KIDDING.I'M SURE YOU DID.

WHAT DO YOU GETFOR WRITING YOUR NAME DOWN?

'CAUSE THAT'SWHAT I GOT, BUT--

AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

(woman) STACEY.

STACEY WITH AN "I"? NO. "E-Y."

OH, WHATEVER.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO, STACEY?

I'M AN ARCHITECT.

YOU'RE AN ARCHITECT? REALLY?

YOU NEVER HEAR THAT.

HAVE YOU BUILT A BUILDINGOR ANYTHING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS? INCREDIBLE, HUH?

THAT'S REAL GOLD,BY THE WAY.

ALL RIGHT, JEFF AND STACEY.LET ME ASK JEWISH PEOPLE.

CAN'T YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE ANDTELL IF THEY'RE JEWISH OR NOT?

IT IS A THING, RIGHT?PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE ME.

JEWISH PEOPLE CAN LOOK AT FACESAND TELL IF THEY'RE JEWISH.

IT'S A PHENOMENAWE CAN'T EXPLAIN.

IT'S JUST LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK OUTBLACK PEOPLE OUT OF CROWDS.

JEWISH PEOPLEDO THE SAME THING.

IT'S AN ETHNIC THING.

SHE'S LOOKING AROUNDFOR BLACK PEOPLE

TO SEE IF SHE COULD LAUGH.

LIKE, THEY'RE GOINGTO BEAT YOU UP.

"SHE SAID BLACK AND THERE WEREBLACK PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE.

"SHE IS SO CONTROVERSIAL.I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I WAS SO SCARED."

BLACK. BLACK.BLACK. JEW.

YOU CAN'T SAY "BLACK" ANYMORE;YOU CAN'T SAY "JEW;"

YOU CAN'T SAY "ORIENTAL,"UNLESS YOU'RE REFERRING

TO A RUG OR SALAD DRESSING.

YOU'RE ALWAYS INSULTING SOMEONE.

OUR COUNTRY IS SO WEIRD WITHTHIS POLITICALLY CORRECT STUFF.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY.

IT'S WHAT YOU DO.IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WAS AT THIS BARIN L.A. HAVING A BEER.

THIS WOMAN COMES OVERTO THE BARTENDER.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO OFFEND HIM,

SO SHE ORDERSAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN RUSSIAN.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

[laughter]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?UGH.

YOU'RE JEWISH, RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT?

OH, MY GOD,MY JEW-DAR IS SO OFF.

[laughter]

DO YOU GET THAT? DO YOU GET THAT OR WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY RELIGION?

YOU'RE POLISH. AND DO YOU HAVE ANY RELIGION--

CATHOLIC.

DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?

NO. REALLY?

NO, A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T HAVE ANY SPIRITUALITY,

THEY DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

I'M TELLING YA,ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO RELIGION,

YOU SHOULD CONSIDERCONVERTING TO JUDAISM.

IT IS THE GREATEST.WE HAVE 20,000 HOLIDAYS.

YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO TO WORK.IT'S THE GREATEST THING.

YOU JUST CALL IN.NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA.

"HI. CAN'T COME IN TODAY.UH, IT'S BAGHOUYA."

[laughter]

"WELL, IT'S, LIKE,THREE WEEKS LONG.

"WE HAVE TO FASTFOR, LIKE, 4 1/2 DAYS.

"I'LL SEE YOU IN OCTOBER, THEN.OKAY, TAKE CARE. SHALOM.

"YEAH, IT'S IN MY DESKAND IT'S--

"YEAH, IT'S, LIKE,RIGHT UNDER MY COMPUTER--

"YOU KNOW WHAT?I CAN'T TALK AFTER SUNDOWN.

IT'S REALLY DARK OUT.I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO."

NO, HERE'S THE--

I DO.I HAVE DRIPPY NOSE.

I HAVE SINUS NASAL PROBLEMS.

JEFF, ANY SINUS NASAL PROBLEMS? (Jeff) NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

[in nasal voice] "NOT RIGHT NOW. I DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHT NOW."

'CAUSE A LOT OF MY JEWISHFRIENDS--AND I HAVE IT TOO--

I HAVE SINUS PROBLEMS.

I HAD THIS NOSTRIL THATDID NOT WORK FOR FIVE YEARS.

I GO TO THE DOCTOR--ANDI CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE.

HE TELLS ME I HAVE TO GETMY DEVIATED SEPTUM REPAIRED.

THEN HE SAYS,"WHILE I'M IN THERE,

I'LL MAKE YOUR NOSE SMALLER."

I SAID,"I DON'T WANT MY NOSE SMALLER.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE."

I GOT THE ENTIRE INSIDE REDONE.

$4,500 LATER,YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO?

[snorting]

[laughter]

[snorting]

IT'S GREAT ON NEW YEARS.I DON'T EVEN NEED A NOISEMAKER.

I WAS, LIKE,THE FUNNIEST THING AT THE PARTY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[snorting]

WHAT DO YOU DO?

(man)VOCATIONAL COUNSELOR.

VOCATIONAL COUNSELOR?

I MIGHT HAVE TO SEE YOUAFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT.

VOCATIONAL COUNSELOR.

VOCATIONS--JOBS.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB? (man) YES.

YOU DO? SEE, I CAN TELL WHEN PEOPLE LIKE THEIR JOBS

BECAUSE THEY'RE HAPPY.

STACEY, DO YOU LIKEBEING AN ARCHITECT?

YEAH, SHE'S HAPPY.JEFF?

[in smarmy voice]"I'M AT BASSEN,

"OR WHATEVER THE HELLTHE NAME OF THE SCHOOL IS, MAN.

IT'S SO MUCH FUN, MAN."

I BELIEVE IN ORDERTO BE HAPPY IN LIFE,

YOU HAVE TO LOVE WHAT YOU DO.YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOUR JOB.

I WORKED IN AN OFFICEFOR A WHILE, AND I CAN'T--

I CAN'T SIT INSIDE ALL DAY.

I REMEMBER ALL I USED TO DOALL DAY--

BECAUSE I WAS SO FRUSTRATED,I USED TO CALL THE SEX LINE

AND TRANSFER ITTO PEOPLE'S PHONES.

THAT'S ALL I DID THE ENTIRE--"TIM, LINE ONE."

[in deep voice]"ADVERTISING."

[in sexy voice]"I WANNA LICK YOU.

I WANT TO TOUCH YOUAND RUB YOU"--

IT WOULD BE DIRTIER,BUT WE'RE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

ANYWAY, SO--

[laughter]

I LOVE DOING STAND-UP.

IT'S A GREAT JOB, I HAVE TO SAY.THE ONE THING I DON'T LIKE--

I DON'T LIKE TO TRAVELAS MUCH ANYMORE.

ESPECIALLY ON VACATION,I WON'T GO TRAVELING.

THE ONLY PLACEI LOVE TO PERFORM IN

AND I LIKE TO TRAVEL TOIS VEGAS.

I REALLY LOVE IT, BUTLAST TIME I WENT TO VEGAS,

I ACTUALLY BROUGHT MY MOTHER,WHICH WAS A--YEAH, HUGE MISTAKE.

'CAUSE I'M ALL EXCITEDTO GO PERFORM.

THE MINUTE WE GETTO THE HOTEL,

MY MOM HAS TO STEALTHE SOAP AND SHAMPOO.

ONE NIGHT I CAUGHT HER DOWNTHE HALLWAY TRICK-OR-TREATING.

SHE KNOCKS ON THIS GUY'S DOOR:

"LOOK, YOU'RE BALD.GIVE ME YOUR SHAMPOO RIGHT NOW."

[laughter]

BUT I WON'T GO ON PLANE RIDESTO GO ON VACATION.

THE LAST REALLY GREAT,LONG VACATION

I TOOK ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO,

I WENT TO AMSTERDAM, WHICH WAS--HAVE YOU BEEN? ANYONE BEEN?

IT'S AMAZING.YOU WENT?

DID YOU REALLY GO?HOW LONG DID YOU GO FOR?

(woman) WE WERE THERE FOUR DAYS.FOUR DAYS--

JUST A LITTLE WEEKEND GETAWAY TRIP?

TRAVELING AROUND EUROPE.

OKAY, TRAVELING AROUND EUROPE?

THAT'S GREAT.ANYWAY, UM--

[laughter]

NOW DID YOU GO TO THE ANNE FRANKHOUSE WHILE YOU WERE THERE?

AMAZING--IT'S SO MOVING, THAT ANNE FRANK HOUSE.

IT'S VERY EMOTIONAL. YOU WALK IN--

THE FAMILY LIVED IN THE SMALLESTSPACE FOR 2 1/2 YEARS.

THEY COULDN'T MAKE ANY NOISE FORFEAR OF BEING CAUGHT BY NAZIS,

WHICH WOULD HAVE BEENTHE DEMISE OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY,

'CAUSE THERE IS NO WAYMY MOTHER WOULD HAVE KEPT

HER MOUTH SHUTTHE ENTIRE AFTERNOON.

"JUDITH, I ASKED YOU TO WASHTHAT DISH TEN MINUTES AGO!"

[whispering]"Mom, shut up.We're going to get caught."

"THAT'S RIGHT,WE'RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.

"AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

"BECAUSE YOU COULDN'TWASH A [bleep] DAMN DISH!

YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?"

WHICH I LOVE.

THIS IS THE GREATEST CITYIN THE WORLD, I HAVE TO SAY.

[cheers and applause]

IT IS.IS IT NOT THE BEST?

AND THE PEOPLE-WATCHING HERE--CAN I JUST SAY ONE THING?

I--FOR ASH WEDNESDAY--DID YOUCELEBRATE THE ASH WEDNESDAY?

ALL RIGHT, IT WAS VERY STRANGETHIS YEAR.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID,ALL OF MY CATHOLIC FRIENDS.

THEY WOULD ALL, LIKE,HAVE A LITTLE--

A LITTLE ASH HERE,AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW,

I'D BE,"OH, IT'S ASH WEDNESDAY."

THIS YEAR--THEY MUST HAVE HAD ANEXCESS OF ASHES, OR SOMETHING.

HUGE "X" OVER HERE.

WE'VE GOT JESUS, MARY,JOSEPH, JERUSALEM, THE POPE--

I MEANIT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

THEN I SAW THIS GUYWALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND THEN I LOOKED AT HIS HEAD,AND I SAID, "HE HAS ASHES."

AND THEN I LOOKEDA LITTLE CLOSER,

I REALIZED PART OF HIS FOREHEADHAD BEEN REMOVED

FOR SOME REASON,AND IT WAS A SHADOW.

AND I THOUGHT THIS ISHIS HAPPIEST DAY OF THE YEAR--

THAT HE COULD JUST WALK.

BUT I LOVE NEW YORK CITY.I JUST LOVE THE CITY.

AND I LIVEIN THE GREATEST NEIGHBORHOOD.

I KNOW ALL THE PEOPLEIN MY BUILDING--

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR'S NAMEIS MARJORIE.

EVERYONE'S, LIKE,REALLY FRIENDLY IN THE BUILDING.

NOW, SEVERAL YEARS AGO,I LEAVE MY APARTMENT,

GO TO MY AGENT'S OFFICE;

CALL MY MOTHER ON THE PHONE,BECAUSE IT'S FREE.

WE'RE CHIT-CHATTING.

[laughter]

WE'RE CHIT-CHATTING AWAY,AND MY ELBOW HITS THE PHONE,

AND WE GOT DISCONNECTED.

JUST BY MISTAKE,WE JUST GET DISCONNECTED

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE CONVERSATION.

I DIDN'T CALL HER BACK,AND I NEGLECTED TO TELL HER

I HAD BEEN CALLINGFROM MY AGENT'S OFFICE.

SHE IS COMPLETELY PARANOID.

SHE THINKSSOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME,

AND THAT'S WHYWE GOT DISCONNECTED.

THIS WAS THE MESSAGE SHE LEFTON MY ANSWERING MACHINE.

IT'S A REAL MESSAGEFROM MY MOTHER.

SHE IS COMPLETELYOUT OF HER MIND.

[answering machine beeps]

[mother over speaker]Judith, are you all right?Did you fall down?

What happened?Where are you?

I'm a wreck.I don't understand this.

Maybe I'll call Marjorieand tell her to go over

and find out--

[laughter]

Judith, where are you?

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE CLINCHER.READY?

So long.

WHAT?WHAT?

WHAT IS THAT "SO LONG"?

[laughter and cheers]

SHE THINKS JEFFREY DAHMERIS CHOPPING MY BODY UP

INTO LITTLE PIECES,AND SHE SAYS "SO LONG"

AT THE END OF THE MESSAGE.

I GOTTA GO.YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.

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