May 7, 2013 - Ready to Mingle

  • Season 5, Ep 14
  • 05/07/2013

Daniel gets invited to the prom, and prolific, psychotic performer Tonetta gets a Web Redemption.

[audience ohs]

I GET IT, I GET IT,FROSTED FLAKES ARE G-R-R-R-EAT.

NOW QUIT HOGGINGTHE COVERS.

[tiger chuffing]

- HE HOLLERED.

TECHNICALLY,YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

ARE THE DOGS PETSOR BREAKFAST?

[laughter]

BIG DEAL.

I'VE SLEPT NEXT TO SOMETHINGTHAT WAS WAY MORE RISKY.

[audience ohs]

I HAD TO BLURTHAT CELEBRITY'S FACE

BECAUSE THE DAY AFTERWE SHOT THAT, SHE DECIDED

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MOCKEDON TV IN MY TWO-SECOND BIT.

NOW, LEGALLY I CAN'T SAYWHO IT WAS,

BUT YOU ARE ALLOWEDTO GUESS.

WAS IT, "A,"COURTNEY LOVE,

OR "B,"THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND?

[indie rock]

- ♪ YUM YUM, YEAH

♪ YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE

♪ I'M READY TO ROLL

♪ UP AND DOWNYOUR BODY, BABY ♪

♪ THEN ALL THE WAY HOME

- WHAT A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

TURN YOUR CHAIR, USHER.

THAT UNSETTLINGSINGER/SONGWRITER IS TONY,

AND IF HIS LITTLE"PERFORMANCE ART" PIECE

MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE,YOU'RE IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE.

HE'S UPLOADED HUNDREDS OFEVEN MORE TERRIFYING VIDEOS,

AND IF IT WEREN'TFOR WILMER VALDERRAMA,

TONY WOULD BE THE CREEPIESTPERSON ON THE INTERNET.

IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS,WEIRDOES LIKE HIM

WOULD JUST BE CAST OUTFROM SOCIETY

WITH THE IMPLIED AGREEMENTTHEY'D COMMIT SUICIDE.

OF COURSE, IT'S HARDTO SPOT A CREEP NOW,

BECAUSE SO MANY OF THEMARE JUST HIPSTERS.

DO YOU TAKE SECRET TRIPSTO THAILAND ON THE REG

OR DO YOU JUSTHAVE A MUSTACHE

AND WEAR IRONIC T-SHIRTSFROM URBAN OUTFITTERS?

I'M ALL FOR PUTTINGCREEPY PEOPLE ON LISTS,

BUT WHY STOPAT SEX OFFENDERS?

I THINK YOU SHOULDHAVE TO GO DOOR-TO-DOOR

AND TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS

IF YOU'VE EVER BEENA MALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR,

A YOUTH REFEREE,OWNED A BOAT,

KEPT A TOOTHPICKIN YOUR MOUTH

OR USED THE WORD "BONE"AS A VERB.

FACEBOOK WAS INVENTEDBY A CREEP,

AND YOU'RE A CREEPIF YOU'RE ON IT.

DUDES IN THE 1950sWHO GOT CAUGHT

THUMBING THROUGH GRAINY PHOTOSOF OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES

WERE MURDERED ON THE SPOT.

SO WHAT IF A GUYWITH A SPLIT PERSONALITY

HAS AN ALTER EGOTHAT LIKES TO TUCK HIS WEENIE

AND DANCE AROUNDLIKE A PSYCHO?

YOU LIKE FLY FISHING.

BUT I LIKE TO CONSIDER TOSH.0 A SAFE HAVEN

FOR ANYONE TO LETTHEIR FREAK FLAG FLY.

AND SINCE I'M NOTAFRAID TO DIE,

I ANSWEREDTONY'S CRAIGSLIST AD

AND INVITED HIMTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE EVERYONE NEEDSYEARS OF THERAPY,

IN THIS WEEK'SCEWEBRITY PROFILE.

[applause]

THIS IS A LOVELY PLACEYOU'VE GOT HERE, TONY.

WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITHMOST OF YOUR IDEAS FOR VIDEOS?

- WELL, USUALLY WHENI'M TAKING A SHOWER,

I KIND OF SING TO MYSELFA TUNE,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,I GET INSPIRED

WHEN I'M SINGINGIN THE SHOWER.

- HOW MANY VIDEOSHAVE YOU MADE?

- JUST BELOW 600.

- JUST BELOW 600? I HAVEN'TSEEN ANY OF THESE.

SOMEBODY BRING ME AN IPADSO I CAN WATCH THESE.

[distorted music]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[laughter]

TONY, I HAVE SEEN THE CREEPIESTSHIT ON THE INTERNET,

AND LET ME TELL YOU,THAT IS UP THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?- FEBRUARY 17TH, I'LL BE 64.

- WHAT DO YOU DO TO STAYIN SUCH INCREDIBLE SHAPE?

- MOSTLY, I MASTURBATE.

- JUST MASTURBATION?

- I LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

- I DO TOO,

BUT MY BODYDOESN'T LOOK GOOD,

AND I KNOW FOR A FACTIT'S NOT GONNA LOOK THAT GOOD

WHEN I'M 64 1/2.

- AND I JUST FINISHED DOING125 PUSH-UPS.

- SO, WHEN YOU SAIDYOU JUST MASTURBATE--

- THE TROUBLE IS, I DON'T LIKETO WORK OUT TOO MUCH,

'CAUSE I STILL WANT TO KEEPMY--MY FEMININITY.

I STILL WANT TO HAVETHAT GIRL FIGURE.

- I GUESS I SEE THAT.

- YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE,LIKE I SAY, WE ARE BOTH.

- PHYSICALLY?- WHY, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE LEGS.- THEY'RE GOOD LEGS.

- I WAS BORN WITHOUT HAIR.

- OH, SO YOU DON'TEVEN SHAVE YOUR LEGS.

- NO, I DON'T.IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

- DID THAT AFFECT YOU,GROWING UP?

- NO, I DIDN'T.IT MADE ME HAIRLESS.

- TONY, ARE YOU--ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL?

- IF ANYTHING, I'M BI.WE ALL HAVE THAT OPTION.

EVEN YOU.- HEY, THAT'S AN EASY SELL.

- I'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.[laughs] YOU KNOW.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOODDID YOU HAVE?

- [laughs]A FUCKED-UP CHILDHOOD.

FUCK, I'M NOT NORMAL.- HOW NOT NORMAL?

- LIKE, A GUY, HE GETS MARRIED.HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

HE BUYS A HOUSE. HE HAS KIDSAND A FUCKING DOG.

THAT'S NOT ME. I LIKE TORIDE MOTORCYCLES. I'M WILD.

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PET?- IT'S RIGHT HERE.

MY LITTLE PET.SAY HELLO.

[high-pitched voice]HELLO.

[laughs]

- DON'T DO THAT TO YOURBEAUTIFUL, FEMININE LEGS.

- THAT'S OKAY.

I TAKE A LOT OF VITAMIN E.

BRUISES GO AWAY RIGHT AWAY.

I USED TO HAVE A BRUISERIGHT HERE.

- FROM WHAT?

- FROM MY BUDDYSUCKING ON IT.

[laughs]

- TALK TO ME ABOUT HOWYOU CAME UP WITH TONETTA.

- I NEEDED A GIRL.WHAT ELSE?

BASICALLY, TONETTAIS A SEX SYMBOL.

GARBAGE.WHITE TRASH.

- HAVE YOU EVERBEEN MARRIED?

- ACTUALLY,THAT'S MY WIFE RIGHT THERE.

IT IS ACTUALLY MY EX.

WHAT I DID WAS,I PUT HER IN BONDAGE,

JUST TO KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

- HOW MANY YEARSWERE YOU MARRIED?

- JUST ENOUGHTO PUMP OUT TWO KIDS.

- AW!- THEY WERE GOOD PUMPS, ANYWAY.

SHE WAS A GOOD FUCK.- DOES SHE LIKE YOUR VIDEOS?

- SHE LIKES MY DICK.- WELL, WHO WOULDN'T?

- SHE HAS SMALL TITSBUT BIG NIPPLES.

- DO YOU LIKE BIG NIPPLES?- MM-HMM. YUMMY, YUMMY.

- I DON'T LIKE BIG NIPPLES.

- WHAT ABOUT MILK?- I LOVE MILK.

- BREAST MILK?- EHHH...

- YOU WOULD HAVE LOVEDMY WIFE'S.

IT'S CLEAR BUT IT'S SWEET.

- I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE TODRINK OTHER WOMEN'S BREAST MILK.

- IT MAY BE NOT SAFE,BUT I KNOW IT'S HEALTHY.

LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT.

- YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH.- THANK YOU.

- WHAT ABOUT DRUG USE?- FOR IT. I-I DO RUSH.

YOU WANT SOMETHINGTO SNIFF?

- I'D LOVESOMETHING TO SNIFF.

- WELL, YOU COMERIGHT OVER HERE, BOY.

[laughs]

- YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE SONGSTHAN THE BEATLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT?

- I'VE WRITTEN 1,000 SONGS.

- WHICH WOULD YOU SAYIS YOUR MOST POPULAR?

- THE ONE CALLED PRESSURE ZONE.

♪ I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT ITIN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ UP MY CRACK

♪ IN MY ASS

- DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELFA SEX SYMBOL?

- VERY. IN FACT,I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, WE COULD EXCUSEEVERYONE FOR A MINUTE.

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- LETTING YOURELIEVE YOURSELF.

- WHAT I'M SAYING IS, DO YOUWANT TO DO IT TOGETHER?

- NO, I DON'T WANT TODO IT TOGETHER.

- DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?

SO THAT'S HOWYOU GET YOUR KICKS--

WATCHING GUYS JERK OFF.

[laughs]THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WELL, GO GET THE KLEENEX.

- YOU'VE GOT A BLANKETRIGHT THERE.

- THAT'S SOMETHINGYOU'VE GOT TO WASH.

KLEENEX YOU JUST--YOU JUST CUM.

YOU THROW IT IN A BASKETAND YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

- IF YOU COULD PERFORM A DUETWITH ANYONE ON THE PLANET,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

- TONETTA, BUT I KNOWTHAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- TRUE, UNLESS YOU HAPPENTO BE PIONEERS

IN THE FIELD OF SPLITGREEN SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.

- WELL, HASN'T THAT BEEN AROUNDFOR AT LEAST 30 YEARS?

- FUCK YOU, TONY.

I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CITYIN THE WORLD

WHERE MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

- VEGAS?- NOPE.

RENO, THE BIGGEST LITTLECRIME HAVEN IN THE WORLD.

[funky music]

ALL RIGHT, TONY,I GOT YOU $200 MILLION

JUST FOR DOING THIS SHOWTWICE A DAY,

SEVEN DAYS A WEEKFOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS.

ARE YOU READY TO GO?

- TONETTA QUIT.WE'RE DONE.

- I AM NOT HAVINGTHIS CONVERSATION.

YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.GIVE ME THIS.

- TONY DOESN'T WORKWITH ANY OTHER SLUT!

- YOU'RE GONNA WORKWITH THIS SLUT.

I BETTER NOT CATCHANY AIDS.

[cheers and applause]

[indie rock]

- THAT'S NOT TONETTA!

[boos and catcalls]

- ♪ TONETTAAND TONY WORK TOGETHER ♪

♪ FREAK TOGETHER,LOVE TOGETHER ♪

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

♪ I'LL FUCK HER,SHE'S A SWEETIE ♪

♪ YEAH, IT'S MEAND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ I DO IT IN THE BACK

♪ AND SHE SAYS,IF YOU PLEASE ♪

♪ TONY AND TONETTAARE TWO IN LOVE ♪

[audience ohs]

♪ YEAH, IT'S BETTERTHAN TWO, THREE ♪

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

♪ TONETTA AND TONY

♪ TONY AND TONETTA

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[applause]

- HEY, KRISTEN STEWART,MY NAME IS CODY,

AND I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF YOURMOVIES FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

AND MY QUESTION TO YOU IS,

WILL YOU GO WITH METO MY JUNIOR PROM

IN THE SPRING OF 2013WITH ME?

AND IF YOU DO NOT SEE THIS,

EVERYONE WHO ELSETHAT DOES SEE THIS,

PLEASE GET THIS VIDEOAS FAR AS POSSIBLE,

'CAUSE, OF COURSE, I WANTKRISTENTEWART TO SEE THIS.

- WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BRINGKRISTEN STEWART TO YOUR PROM?

SHE'LL END UP DITCHING YOUHALFWAY THROUGH THE NIGHT

TO BANG YOUR PRINCIPAL.

EVERY YEARAROUND THIS TIME,

I GET BOTH FLATTEREDAND OVERWHELMED

BY THE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDSOF PROM INVITATIONS I RECEIVE,

JUST LIKEBACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT THAT, AS A COURTESY,I WOULD RESPOND FACE-TO-FACE

TO A SELECT FEWOF THOSE REQUESTS.

FIRST UP IS MEYONCE.SHE WRITES...

HO HO!

I WILL NOT GO TO PROMWITH YOU

UNTIL GAYS CAN LEGALLYGET MARRIED IN ALL 48 STATES.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT HAWAIIOR ALASKA.

ANNEMARIE WANTS TO GOTO PROM WITH ME.

LET'S MEET HER.

- HI, DANIEL.- HEY, I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION.

IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET YOUPREGGERS AFTER PROM,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DOWITH THE BABY?

- KEEP IT AND TAKEALL YOUR MONEY.

- OH, WRONG ANSWER,ANNEMARIE.

I'M NOT GOING TO PROMWITH YOU.

OKAY, NOW WE HAVE ALINA.

IF I AGREE TO BE YOUR DATE,

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOAFTER PROM?

YOU GUYS RENTINGA LAKE HOUSE OR SOMETHING?

- NO. I HAVE A HOT TUB.

- THAT SOUNDS NICE.WHAT DO YOU SET IT AT?

- 103.- NNNH.

MORE OF A WARM TUB.- [laughs]

- I'M A 106 MAN, MYSELF,

SO I WILL DEFINITELY NOTGO TO PROM WITH YOU.

I'M SORRY.- COME ON.

- NO.

- YOU HAVE TO FEEL PITYFOR ME.

MY BOYFRIEND AND IJUST BROKE UP.

YOU HAVE TO.- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT IF IGET YOU PREGNANT?

WHAT WILL YOU DOWITH THE BABY?

- PROBABLY ABORTION.[laughs]

- THAT IS NOT FUNNY.

AND THAT IS NOT YOUR CHOICETO MAKE. SO, NO.

NEXT, IT'S TAYLOR,WHO SAYS...

RADNOR?

LET'S TALK TO HER.

- HI, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

- OKAY, YOU ARE DEFINITELYIN MY WHEELHOUSE.

UH, WHAT'S YOUR HIGH SCHOOLPOCY ON STATUTORY STUFF?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LENIENT, I GUESS.YOU KNOW.

- LOOKS LIKE RADNOR MIGHT BEGETTING MY SLOPPY SECONDS.

I'LL DM YOU.

NEXT, IT'S WILL,WHO WRITES, "REMEMBER ME?

"ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO,I TOLD YOUR WHITE ASS

"TO BE AT THE BEST PROMIN AMERICA.

MAY 18TH,YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT."

LET'S TALK TO WILL.

HEY, HAVE YOU EVERASKED A DUDE TO PROM BEFORE?

- UH, NO, THIS WILL BEMY FIRST TIME, ACTUALLY.

- OH, VIRGIN!

I'M NOT GOING TO PROMWITH A VIRGIN.

- AH, YOU'RE A BITCH.

- YOU'RE A BITCH.- [laughs]

NEXT UP IS CASSIE.

- HI, DANIEL.THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- I'M 17.I'LL BE 18 JUNE 5TH.

- I HOPE YOUR PROMIS JUNE 6TH.

- IT'S NOT.

- ALL RIGHT. THEN, NO.

- UM, WELL,THAT SUCKS,

BUT, UM, THANK YOU FORAT LEAST TALKING TO ME

AND GETTING MY HOPES UP.

LIKE,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND STOP LETTING MEWALK ALL OVER YOU!

[laughter]

FINALLY, WE HAVE HUNTER.

- OH, MY GOD!

- OKAY, NO.

- HI!

- NO ONE SHOULD EVER BETHAT EXCITED TO SEE ME.

- [laughs]AW, THAT'S NOT NICE.

- WELL,WELCOME TO MY SHOW.

I THINK THE LESSONTO BE LEARNED HERE

IS TO QUIT TRYINGTO GUILT CELEBRITIES

INTO GOING ON DATESWITH YOU.

IF NOBODY AT YOUR SCHOOLWANTS TO TAKE YOU,

WHAT MAKES YOU THINKI'D HAVE ANY INTEREST?

BY THE WAY, MY HIGH SCHOOLREUNION'S COMING UP,

AND MILA KUNIS,I'D LOVE YOU TO BE MY DATE.

IS THE HANGOVER III,AND I'M ABOUT TO DO MORE DAMAGE

TO THAT FRANCHISETHAN HANGOVER II,

BECAUSE IT'S TIMEFOR SPOILER ALERT.

FULL DISCLOSURE--I HAVE NOTSEEN THIS MOVIE,

NOR DO I INTEND TO.

MAYBE ON HBO.

I JUST WATCHED THAT'S MY BOY. NOT BAD.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT,HERE'S WHAT I KNOW.

IT'S GONNA BE30 TO 45 MINUTES TOO LONG.

THERE WILL BE MISUNDERSTANDINGS,A WILD ANIMAL,

ED HELMS SHRIEKING.

GALIFIANAKISWILL PRONOUNCE WORDS WRONG.

BRADLEY COOPERWILL RUN HIS FINGERS

THROUGH HISALMOST TOO THICK HAIR.

AND AT THE END, THEY'LLSHOW A BUNCH OF FUNNY PICTURES

THAT WILL MAKE YOU WISHTHAT WAS THE MOVIE INSTEAD.

THAT'S IT.