Monday, October 19, 2015

  • 10/19/2015

Kevin Smith, Robert Kirkman and Scott Aukerman learn about a Kim Jong-un joke ban in China, tell a #ScaryStoryIn5Words and pen a few European hip-hop tracks.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I AM SURE WE ALL

REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE A FEWWEEKS AGO WHEN ASIF ANNOUNCED ON

FACEBOOK THAT HE WAS NO LONGERBEST FRIENDS WITH MUDASIR.

WELL, IN THAT POST THAT SHOOKTHE WORLD NOT ONLY DID ASIF

SEVER BFF TIES WITH MUDASIR, HEALSO PUBLICLY DECLARED SALMAN

TO BE HIS NEW BFF. WHAT CAMEBETWEEN THESE TWO LEGENDARY

BEST FRIENDS?

MONEY, WOMEN, POWER, COLOGNE? SALMAN? AND THEN JUST AS

WE WERE PRACTICING SAYING,"ASIF-SALMAN,"

WE HEARD THE GREATEST NEWS OFALL.

"FRIENDSHIP REGAINED WITHMUDASIR! NOW MUDASIR AND SALMAN

BOTH ARE MY BEST FRIENDS."

SEEN HERE MENDING THEIR TIES ONRISA, THE "STAR TREK" PLEASURE

PLANET.

>> GUYS, I LOVE IT WHENFRIENDSHIP REGAINED, NOBODY IS

HAPPIER FOR ASIF, MUDASIR ANDSALMAN THAN US AND THE MAKERS OF

MS PAINT.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT DIDMUDASIR DO TO REGAIN FRIENDSHIP?

>> APOLOGIZE.

NOT EVERYTHING IS A JOKE, CHRIS.

>> Chris: YOU ARE RIGHT.

SOMETIMES FRIENDSHIP IS SACRED-- POINTS FOR SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> MAYBE HE EXPLAINED HOW SEXWORKS.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS, POINTS.

MOVING ON, ACCORDING TOMASHABLE IN AN EFFORT TO REPAIR

RELATIONS WITH NORTH KOREA,CHINA IS BANNING CITIZENS FROM

MAKING FUN OF KIM JONG UN.

WHICH MEANS HE IS FREE TO DRESSUP LIKE A LEGO VERSION OF

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT WITHOUT FEAROF RIDICULE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

FINALLY, STRICTER CHINESEINTERNET GUIDELINES! OH, NOW,

PREVIOUS SEARCHES FOR KIM JONGUN MEMES TURNED UP OVER

15 MILLION RESULTS LIKE THISINNOCUOUS PHOTO OF THE DEAR

LEADER BENT OVER A HOTELMATTRESS. I'M NOT REALLY SURE

WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THAT, BUTTHE INTERNET HAD ITS WAY WITH

IT, AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.

♪ YOU KNOW HE WANTS IT.

♪ HE REALLY WANTS IT.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET SENT TOONE OF THOSE NORTH KOREAN TWERK

CAMPS.

BUT SINCE THE BAN ON JOKES ABOUTTHE MURDEROUS ALBINO PANDA BEAR

WERE PUT IN PLACE, SEARCHES NOWTURNED UP ZERO RESULTS ON WEIBO,

WHICH IS LIKE TWITTER THAT WILLEXECUTE YOU. SO THIS IS JUST

THE LATEST IN A LONG LINECHINESE RESTRICTIONS ON FREE

INTERNET SPEECH SO COMEDIANS,WHAT'S SOMETHING ELSE

YOU ARE PROHIBITED FROM MAKINGFUN OF IN CHINA.

>> THEIR LOW RATES OF CHILDUNEMPLOYMENT.

>> Chris: SEE, I DIDN'T HAVETO PRETEND TO LAUGH EXTRA HARD

BECAUSE YOU ARE MY BOSS. THATWAS ACTUALLY VERY FUNNY.

>> SO ALL THESE OTHER TIMES YOUHAVE BEEN --

>> Chris: OH, NO.

UH, NO, THAT IS NOT -- NO.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY CHINA NOWIS OUTLAWING THE FACT THAT YOU

CAN POINT OUT THAT BOTH MUSHUTHE DRAGON IN "MULAN" AND THE

DONKEY IN "SHREK" SOUND THEEXACT SAME.

>> Chris: YES.

OKAY.

POINTS.

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> WHERE ALL THE GIRL BABIESWENT.

>> Chris: (BLEEP)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> I'M SURE THEY ARE PROBABLY ON

A FARM SOMEWHERE.

>> Chris: POINTS?

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: LAST OCTOBER, A

REDDITOR NAMED CRAFTJUNKIESTARTED WHAT BECAME A HUGE

THREAD ASKING FOR SCARY STORIESIN FIVE WORDS. THEN BUZZFEED

RIPPED THAT OFF AND MADE IT INTOA VIRAL ARTICLE, SO THEN WE

RIPPED OFF THAT BUZZFEED ARTICLEWITH OUR HASHTAG WAR.

TAKE THAT, BUZZFEED! YOU JUSTGOT BUZZ FED!

WELL, IT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS, AND

SINCE IT'S HALLOWEEN SEASON ONCEAGAIN WE DECIDED TO JUST RIP-OFF

OUR OWN TWICE REMOVED RIP-OFF,SO WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #SCARYSTORYIN5WORDS.

OH, OOH!

>> THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONGWITH THAT.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN COME TOREHEARSAL OR ANYTHING.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "TIME TONETFLIX AND KILL."

OR "CREED SCHEDULES THEIRCOMEBACK TOUR."

OR "YOUR 45TH PRESIDENT, TEDCRUZ!" OH! I AM GOING TO PUT

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

>> KIRKMAN.

>> CHILI'S IS CLOSED FOREVER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SCOTT.

>> ALL MOVIES HAVE PAUL BLART.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> JERSEY GIRL 2: BENNIFER'SBACK.

>> Chris: OH, POINTS.

COME ON, MAKE THAT (BLEEP)HAPPEN.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> "WALKING DEAD" STARRING CHRISHARDWICK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAMN IT I ACTUALLY AGREE WITHYOU ON THAT, I WOULD BE

TERRIBLE. KEVIN SMITH.

>> JEB BUSH, DONALD TRUMP,THREE-WAY.

>> Chris: COMICBOOK MAN, SIXTHSEASON APPROVED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH, NO, OH, NO.

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> SEX TAPE STARRING "ENTOURAGE"CAST AND ONLY "ENTOURAGE" CAST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KIRKMAN.

>> REST IN PEACE, DARYL DIXON.

>> Chris: WHAT? WHAT? WHATARE YOU SAYING? LET'S DISSECT

THAT. WHAT DID HE MEAN? WHAT --

>> WOULD I SPOIL A THING LIKETHAT ON THIS VERY SHOW?

>> Chris: PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR MYSAKE, DON'T EVER KILL HIM.

I WILL END UP HAVING TO PAY FORTHAT SOMEHOW.

I WILL BE THE FIRST (BLEEP)INGFACE PEOPLE SEE AFTER THAT

HAPPENS.

I'M GONNA BE LIKE "I DIDN'T DOIT.

I SWEAR TO GOD."

>> AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOINGIT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYKILLER B'S.

>> Chris: BACK IN THE 1970SAND 1980S BEFORE WITH THE

WORLD'S ACCUMULATED KNOWLEDGEWAS AT OUR FINGERTIPS AT ALL

TIMES, WE HAD VHS TAPES.

OR TAH-PES. I AM NOT SURE IF IAM PRONOUNCING THAT PROPERLY.

THEY WERE USED FOR EVERYTHINGFROM RECORDING TV SHOWS TO

MAKING AMATEUR PORNOGRAPHY.

WELL, THE INCREDIBLE TUMBLR VHSNINJA COLLECTS RETRO COVER ART

FOR VIDEOTAPES OF OLDB-MOVIES.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A B-MOVIE'SVHS BOX ART,

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOUR JOB ISTO PITCH ME THAT MOVIE.

FIRST UP, THE NIGHT OF ATHOUSAND CATS.

>> THE NIGHT OF A ONETHOUSAND CATS.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> A ONE THOUSAND CATS.

>> OH, MY WORD.

>> I LOVE THE SEQUEL, WHICH ISTHE NIGHT OF A 1,000 CATS REGAIN

FRIENDSHIP.

100 POINTS TO KEVIN SMITH FORTHAT.

>> OKAY, ANYONE PITCH METHIS MOVIE. SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> THEY CAN ONLY BE DEFEATED BYA ONE THOUSAND VACUUMS.

>> Chris: ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> HERE'S THE TAGLINE: "HEREKITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."

I GOT TO DO IT ONETHOUSAND TIMES.

>> Chris: THAT'S OKAY.

KRISTEN WILL WATCH IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YES, SHE WILL.

POINTS TO KIRKMAN.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> SO MUCH PUSSY, SO LITTLELASAGNE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HERE IS A TAUT CRIMEDRAMA.

"TOP SQUAD."

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> ABOUT A FEMALE COP WHO NO ONEWILL TAKE SERIOUSLY UNTIL SHE

LEARNS HOW TO WEAR WITH A SHIRT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NOT REALLY AN ACTION FILM.

IT'S REALLY A DISCOVERY.

>> Chris: KEVIN SMITH.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY IT'S SHIRTSVERSUS SKINS,

AND THE SCALES OF JUSTICE ARETOPLESS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> HEY, HER EYES ARE UP HERE.

AND SO ARE HER TITS.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

MOVING ON, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,SEDUCTIVE AND DEADLY, "NINJA

QUEEN BOXER!" SCOTT.

>> THE BAFFLING SEQUEL TO"SCHINDLER'S LIST."

IT'S THE GIRL IN THE RED DRESS.

>> Chris: ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> ABOUT A FEMALE NINJA WHO NOONE WILL TAKE SERIOUSLY UNTIL

SHE LEARNS HOW TO WEAR WITH ASHIRT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> NINJA, QUEEN, BOXER: THEHILLARY CLINTON STORY.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUA CLIP OF TUCKER CARLSON

DEFENDING A MARVEL COMICSSUPERVILLAIN, AND I ASKED YOU TO

STAND UP FOR ANOTHER FAMOUS BADGUY AS A FOX NEWS ANCHOR.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

ROBERT KIRKMAN, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> I AM TORN ABOUT THIS CRUELLADEVILLE. SHE SOUNDS FOREIGN, SO

I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL BUT SHEIS KILLING PUPPIES TO MAKE A

COAT BECAUSE IT'S IS COLD,PROVING THERE IS OBVIOUSLY

NO SUCH THING AS GLOBAL WARMING.

>> Chris: YES.

PERFECT.

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> NEED I REMIND YOU THATDR. DOOM IS A DOCTOR. I MEAN IF

HE IS AN EVIL MEGALOMANIAC THENI GUESS SO IS BEN CARSON.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> I KNOW WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TOSAY HIS NAME, BUT THAT'S ONLY

BECAUSE HIS IDEAS REFLECT THEMAGIC OF A ONCE-GREAT AMERICA

WHERE YOU COULD LOCK BAD KIDSUNDER STAIRCASES. AND HE IS NOT

TALKING ABOUT KILLING YOUR KIDS,HE IS TALKING ABOUT SPOILED

LIBERAL PRIVATE SCHOOL KIDS.VOLDE-LESS? NO, I SAY

VOLDEMORT?

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,

STRAIGHT OUTTA COPENHAGEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: DR. DRE RECENTLY

TOLD ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE HEHOPES TO TOUR EUROPE WITH SNOOP

DOG, EMINEM AND KENDRICK LAMAR.

NOW RAP MUSIC IS AN AMERICAN ARTFORM MOSTLY, BUT IT HAD US

WONDERING, "WHAT IF IT CAME FROM

THE CONTINENT OF CHAIN-SMOKING,STUPID TINY COFFEES AND

UNCIRCUMCISED DONGS?"

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY EUROPEAN

RAP SONGS POSSIBLE IN 60 SECONDSAND BEGIN. AUKERMAN.

>> NAZI BY NATURE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> I'VE GOT MY MIND ON MYEUROS AND MY EUROS ON MY MIND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> MOMMA SAID KNOCK WURSTS OUT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AUKERMAN.

>> I LIKE BIG BEN AND I CANNOTLIE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> INSANE IN THE UKRAINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN SMITH.

>> ICELAND, ICELAND BABY.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

AUKERMAN.

>> MR. GORBACHEV, DROP IT LIKEIT'S HOT!