Ride Me to Hell

  • Season 2, Ep 205
  • 07/14/2011

When his favorite TV series ends with a dumb twist, Grimes has a complete mental breakdown.

I DON'T FEEL WELL.>>: OW. NO HOTTER THAN USUAL.

- WELL, THEN THERE'S SOMETHINGWRONG WITH YOUR HAND.

- YOU'RE JUST FEELING UPSETTHAT YOUR FATHER

IS PRESSURING YOUTO TAKE OVER HIS JOB.

- I'LL PRETENDI HAVE LARYNGITIS.

THEN MAYBE DADDYWILL PICK SOMEONE ELSE.

- AT LEAST YOU HAVEA FATHER TO DISAPPOINT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY DADSINCE MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

- MOM SAYS HE'S STILLSTUCK IN TRAFFIC,

BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THATDOESN'T SEEM RIGHT TO ME.

YOU KNOW, I DREW THISWHEN I WAS FIVE.

THAT'S HOW I'LL ALWAYSREMEMBER US.

- [gasps]

OH, MY GOD, DUDE.

WHILE I WAS TOUCHINGMY PENIS JUST NOW,

YOU WERE TOUCHING MY HEART.

I'VE FILMED YOU GUYS HAVING SEXHUNDREDS OF TIMES,

AND I MADE A PRETTY GOOD LIVINGOFF IT.

BUT NOW I'M BOXED INAS A PORNO DIRECTOR,

AND HOLLYWOOD WON'T TOUCH ME.

IF I COULD DOCUMENTYOUR QUEST TO FIND YOUR FATHER,

I MIGHT JUST BE ABLETO REVIVE MY CAREER.

I'LL TRY IF YOU WILL.

- YOU KNOW, I AM REALLY GONNANEED ALL THAT SEX FOOTAGE BACK.

- OKAY, WELL, THAT, I'M AFRAID,YOU HAVE TO TAKE UP

WITH HARDCORE MUFF PRODUCTIONS,BECAUSE THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING

THAT I, YOU KNOW, CONTROL.

- SO THAT'S HOW I, AS YOUR NEXTCHIEF OPERATING OFFICER

OF DEMONIC AFFAIRS,WILL USE SPAM--

- ALDERMACK, WE KNOW YOU WANTYOUR DAUGHTER TO REPLACE YOU,

BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST PRETENDTO PAY ATTENTION

TO THE OTHER CANDIDATES?

- HEY, I HAVEA HIGH SCORE GOING.

- AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT, UH,THE CANNED MEAT.

I'M TALKING ABOUTANNOYING EMAILS.

- HE TOTALLY BUTCHERED THAT.- NO, NO.

HE WAS GREAT.OOH.

- OKAY, CATHY.WHO'S UP NEXT?

- CALLIE MAGGOTBONE.

- [raspingly] I'M SORRY,BUT I HAVE LARYNGITIS,

SO I DIDN'T HAVE TIMETO PREPARE ANYTHING.

- SO IT'S LUCKY SHE MADE THISVIDEO PRESENTATION BEFOREHAND.

- WHEN YOU HEAR THE NAMECALLIE MAGGOTBONE,

YOU THINK OF TWO THINGS:

BOOBS AND EVIL.

- WELL, I KNOWWHO GETS MY VOTE.

ROUND ONE GOES TO CALLIE,RIGHT, GENTLEMEN?

- MM.- OH, YEAH.

- UGH. THANKS A LOT, TWAYNE.

- I'M GONNA BETHE BEST DAMNED WIFE

ANOTHER CLEAN COLLAR, SARGE.

- REAL CLEAN, KID.

FIRST DAY ON THE FORCE,

AND YOU JUST BUSTEDYOUR NEW PARTNER.

- GOOD WORK, ROOKIE.

YOU JUST RUINEDA SEVEN-MONTH STING.

- BUT WHY WOULD A COPDRESS LIKE A PIMP?

- JIMMY'S A MASTEROF DISGUISE.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA WORKUNDERCOVER.

- ROOKIES.- CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM.

CAN'T SHOOT 'EM IN THE LEG.

- OH, REALLY?- MM-HMM.

- I NEVER HEARD THAT ONE.

[gunshot]- OW!

- [laughs]

- I'M GONNA FEEL THATIN THE MORNING.

STUPID ROOKIES.[laughing]

WHERE AM I?

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING HERE, GRIMES?

YOU KNOW DAMN WELLTHAT COURT ORDER

FORBIDS YOU FROM BEING WITHINTWO BLOCKS OF THE STATION.

- IT'S OKAY.I'M HIS THERAPIST.

THIS IS PARTOF HIS HEALING PROCESS.

I CAN SPEAK TO THISFROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,

HAVING GONE THROUGHA VERY DAMAGING CRISIS MYSELF,

GROWING UP WITHOUT A FATHER.

- OKAY, HEY, MARK,UH, I THINK WE'RE--

I THINK WE'RE GOODON THE DAD THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE PROBABLYJUST GONNA TAKE IT

IN A LITTLE BITOF A DIFFERENT DIRECTION

AND GOWITH THE PSYCHO COP ANGLE.

SO JUST FIND YOUR MOMENTS,OR I WILL CUT AROUND YOU.

- WAIT, GRIMES.

I DIDN'T KNOWYOU USED TO BE A REAL COP.

- ME NEITHER.

I ALWAYS WONDEREDWHAT I WAS DOING IN THE '70s.

I'VE REPRESSED EVERYTHINGBETWEEN 1975 AND '79.

- SAYS HERE YOU WEREDISHONORABLY DISCHARGED?

- YOU BASTARD!

YOU THINK I'VE FORGOTTENABOUT YOUR SERIES FINALE

TAKING A HOT DUMPALL OVER MY EXPECTATIONS?

- I'M SENSINGA CONNECTION HERE.

TIGHT ON ME.I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHING.

HEY, FRANCIS.HI, BUDDY.

HEY, YOU KNOWWHAT I FIND MYSELF WONDERING?

I'M WONDERING,"HOW WOULD LIEUTENANT GRIMES

HAVE WRITTEN THAT FINAL EPISODEOF DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE"?

- WELL, I'D LOSE THE ANGEL,FOR STARTERS.

OR AT LEAST SHE'D GO BACKTO SLEEP AND CONTINUE DREAMING

UNTIL SHE REACHED AN ACCEPTABLEENDING TO THE GODDAMN SHOW.

- TELL ME WE GOT THAT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHTYOU WERE LEADING MAN MATERIAL,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE PERSONALITYOF PARTICLEBOARD.

I NOTICED YOU LAST TURNED PSYCHO

WHEN YOU WEREBEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR.

RINGING ANY BELLS?

- NO WAY, I HATE BELLS.

- VERY WELL.

HOW ABOUT...

NOW?

- YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASS[bleep].

HEY, A DASHBOARD 8-TRACK.

YOU DON'T SEE THATEVERY DAY.

[keyboard music]

[growls]

- ♪ MY ONE LOVE,SWEET AS WINE ♪

- ♪ ROLLING THROUGHTHE ASSHOLES ♪

♪ OF MY MIND

OW!

- I TOLD YOU,HOT WHEELS AND SNACK TIME

ARE AFTER ROLL CALL, ROOKIE.

- NOW, WE KNOW THE DEMONSARE MAKING A CHANGE AT THE TOP.

ONE OF THESE FOUR GUYS IS ABOUTTO BECOME TOP DOG IN HELL.

- HEY, JIMMY,CAN WE GET HOT DOGS LATER?

DON'T TELL ME.KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE.

- WHOEVER COLLARSTHE NEW BOSS

GETS TO USE MY BOATHOUSEON A WEEKEND OF MY CHOOSING.

- HOW COULD A GUY WHO OWNSA BOATHOUSE BE SO ANGRY, JIMMY?

- THE QUESTIONYOU SHOULD BE ASKING IS,

"WHEN IS JIMMY GONNA TEACH MEEVERYTHING HE KNOWS

ABOUT GOING UNDERCOVER?"

AND THE ANSWER IS: NOW.

- AH!- LET'S GET STARTED, ROOKIE.

- OH!

- MORON!

NICE SHOES, ASS[bleep]!- HEY! OW!

MAILING A CATIS A FEDERAL OFFENSE, JIMMY.

OH!

- YAH! RULE NUMBER ONEIS COVER UP YOUR MUSTACHE.

I GOTCHA.- [snarls]

- FREEZE, JUNKIE!

- NOW YOU'RE READY, GRIMES.

LET'S GO CATCH US A DEMON.

- GRIMES! GRIMES?

NOPE, GRIMES!

- AH! WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU JUST CAME OUT OFTHE WORLD'S LONGEST FLASHBACK.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF ARIZONA,AND I HAVE TO SAY,

YOU DRIVE SHOCKINGLY WELLWHILE IN A FUGUE STATE.

- I NEVER SAW THIS ASA BUDDY PICTURE, HONEST TO GOD,

BUT YOU GUYSHAVE GREAT CHEMISTRY.

- TRY TO EASE IT DOWN UNDER 100AND FIND THE NEXT EXIT.

I HAVE GOT QUITETHE URINE JUG TO EVACUATE.

I THINK WE CAN ALL GET OUT OFHERE UNSCATHED.

AND JUST REAL QUICK, REMEMBER:ACTING, IT'S REACTING.

SO JUST MAKE A BOLD CHOICE.COMMIT TO THAT CHOICE.

ALL RIGHT, THE GENTLEMANWITH THE GUN?

- I THINK I'M GOOD TO GO.

- ALL RIGHT, FOLKS,THE FASTER WE READ,

THE FASTER WE'RE THROUGH HERE.

I NEED PLACES,AND WE'RE ROLLING.

AND FLASHBACK.

- I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCETHE DEMON

WHO WILL REPLACE MEAS LEADER OF HELL:

SKINNY BOB.

[applause]

HAVE YOU CHOSEN A DEMONIC NAMEFOR YOURSELF?

- I HAVE: ALDERMACK.

- DAMN IT, JIMMY.WHERE ARE YOU?

- NOW, ALDERMACK,PREPARE TO INGEST SLITHERAX,

THE DEMON SNAKE THAT POSSESSESALL THAT IS EVIL.

- [roars]

- IT'S GOING DOWN.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME

FOR THE STUDENTTO BECOME THE MASTER.

TAKE THIS,SNAKE MOTHER[bleep]!

JIMMY SAYS HELLO!

[yelling]

[machine gun fire]

AH!

JIMMY?

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME

WE WERE PULLING A WALL JOB.

- [coughs]I WAS GETTING IT ON TAPE.

A GOOD COPALWAYS SECURES EVIDENCE.

- MY SWEET, SWEET JIMMY.

BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

- BECAUSE I KNEWYOU'D [bleep] IT UP.

NOW WE WON'T GET A SHOT AT THIS

FOR ANOTHER 35 YEARS.

[groans]

- NO!

I'M STARTING TO REPRESSMY MEMORY, NO!

[crying hysterically]

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN MEWHO I SHOT?

[sobbing]

- AND SCENE!

- GOOD, RIGHT?HOW DID I LOOK?

- WHAT AN AMAZING BREAKTHROUGHTHAT WAS.

YOU KILLED YOUR PARTNER.

THAT'S WHAT'S BEENBOTHERING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME.

YOU MUST FEEL REALLY READYTO PUT DOWN THAT GUN

AND HEAD BACK TO NEW YORK NOW.

- DAMN RIGHT, I AM.

THAT SNAKE CEREMONYWAS 35 YEARS AGO TO THE DAY.

IF WE LEAVE NOW,WE'LL JUST BARELY MAKE IT.

DUST OFF THE PISS JUG, LILLY.WE'RE GOING HOME.

[gun cocks]

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