Ian Bagg & Mike Merrill

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 11/01/2014

Comedians Ian Bagg and Mike Merrill join host Gabriel Iglesias for a night of stand-up and learn about the dangers of sugar in an all-new "Hey It's Fluffy!" animated short.

uh... from the network.Oh, shoot.

The complaint now--check this out, Ozo--

is that they're saying the showis not ethnic enough.

What, uh...Oh, here's the thing. They said,

"We-we want you to bringmore of your culture

and more of what your peoplebring to the table."

Which-which one of you (bleep)

is lacking on the ethnicity?

Come on, I'm Martín, this isGabriel, that is Ozomatli.

This is as ethnic

as it gets.Seriously.

We're one lowrider awayfrom a car show.

(laughter)

And, I mean, I'm glad that I-Iput my foot down since day one.

I says, "You know what,this is the format of the show.

It's gonna be very different,multicultural."

I'm afraid to knowwhat the next level could be

when the network calls youand says, "Can you spice it up

and take it to the next level?"

The picante level.

The picante level.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

So I think it would probablylook something like... this.

(harp strumming)

("La Cucaracha" playing)

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for my amigo,

Gabriel Iglesias...!

(crowd cheering)

¡Órale!(whooping)

(heavy accent):Eh, hello, everyone!

How are you?

(crowd cheering)

Welcome to another excitingepisode of Stand-Up Revolución.

(ululating)(whooping)

Eh!

Muchas gracias. It's so greatto be back here, you know?

when you were a kid,but it turns out,

later on in life, it was good?

All right, nobody. All right,everything's turned out...

(laughter)

You guys do knowyou came here, right?

I didn't break into your houseand start doing this (bleep),

so let's get into it, okay?

I don't like your attituderight now.

You guys... you guys area little angry.

I just... I totally asked youa question,

and you all treated melike we're related.

(laughter)I don't need that.

Okay, here's the story.

When I was a kid, I had an uncletake me to the carnival, right?

We're on the Tilt-A-Whirl there,and I puked on him.

See, that's bad, right?

Turns out, I was the only kidin our family

that wasn't molested by him.

(groaning, laughter)

All right, this side of the roomdoesn't get that.

You, apparently...you booed that,

like I should havebeen molested.

You know that?(laughter)

Like, that's the weirdest...Like...

That was the weirdest responsefor that joke I've ever had.

"Oh, you should havebeen touched.

"You should have been touched.

Oh, you're luckyyou got a funny tummy."

And don't boo.

I can't stand when people cometo a comedy club, "Oh! Oh!"

And they're offended.

You can't get offendedat a comedy club.

"I-I didn't knowthere was gonna be jokes."

You know,"I expected more riddles.

Who is this guy?"

No. You get into this (bleep).

It wasn't like you werein a Macy's shopping,

and I just ran in,"Suck my (bleep),"

and ran out again.

That's whereyou should be offended,

but nobody ever is.

They're like,"Well, that was weird."

And then they goright back to shopping.

But then they cometo a comedy club.

"Aah..." (muttering)

"We got to get out of here!It's Ontario!

"♪ Oh, hair, oh-oh, hair

♪ Walla-walla, bing-bang. "

So, what do you want to do now?

Want to thank you guysfor that applause.

That is wonderful.I appreciate that.

That makes me feel very safe.

(laughter)

But you knowwhat would make me feel safer?

If there was a couple moreblack folks in here. Uh...

There are 2.5 black peoplein here tonight.

I just hopethis isn't an auction,

'cause, uh...

Uh, 'cause I performedin places

where you didn't seeany other black people.

Man, I performed in a placecalled Colorado, and...

at first, not onlydid I not see black people,

I didn't even see black things.

Things that are supposedto be black was not black.

My shadow was white, it hadlong hair like a Thundercat.

It was all beautiful.

So I get uptightwhen I go somewhere

and I feel likeI'm the only letter on the page.

'Cause black people havea complicated relationship

with each other, man.

It's very complicated.

We go to one place

where ain't that manyother black people,

we're like, "Man, it ain'tno black people here.

Somebody might try to kill me."

But then we go somewhere else,and be like, "Wait a minute.

"There's too manyblack people here.

Somebody might tryto kill me, 'cause..."

We need an optimum numberof black people.

Enough so that we feel safe,

but not so manythat somebody might be like,

"That fool owe meseven dollars."

Pop, pop, pop.See? Now you're dead.

Now you're dead.

'Cause you don't knowwho's gonna start shooting, man.

Nice shirt, Memo.

Aw, thanks, Zirina.

Whoa!

I know.

How can a dumb guy like Memo

afford all that stuff?

Oh-ho, teacher,pick me!

Right here, me!What?

(chuckles) That boyis selling his ass.

Nu-uh. If there wasa pedophile on the loose,

I think I would havegotten a call.

(record scratch)

Oh, hey, guys.

(all gasp)

"Hecho en Mexico?"

You're sellingMexican candy?

Isn't that stuffway toxic?

IGLESIAS:Yeah, isn't that the Aztec

god of death?

Look, I don't make peopleeat it. I just sell it.

At an attractive price, relativeto non-toxic American candy.

Since when do youcare so much, Martin?

Since I saw my grandmasuck down a super-size cola

while they wereamputating her leg

from the diabetesshe got from sugar.

Sugar is evil, bro.

It stole my grandma's left leg.

That leg was my favorite.

Wow, Martin,that's really specific.

Thanks. Now I'm gonnago be a sugar narc

and save Memo from himself.

Dino, can you hook me upwith a hidden camera?

Here you go, son.

Hey, Memo.

What you want, Martin?Here to scold me?

No, man, I justwant to tell you

that I think it's really coolthat you're, uh,

selling illegalMexican candy.

Aren't you, Memo?

Are you coming on to me?

And I'm just gonnahump this illegal candy.

Yo. Is that a camerain your pants?

Are you wearing a wire?MARTIN: What? No, man.

(screams)

(screams)

Oh, yeah.

It's Martin. He's okay.

Damn, Memo.You want in?

Hell yeah, I want in. Cha-ching!

Martin was fakinghis moral indignation.