There's No Place Like Homeless

  • Season 2, Ep 12
  • 11/06/2008

Sarah loses her keys, forcing her to live on the streets; Steve's faith is called into question after a series of unlikely events.

[music stops]

OH, GOOD MORNING, DOUG.

WHOA.

[singing]

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY,AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUTSIDE

FOR THE B.M. OF A LIFETIME.

[orchestral music resumes]

GOOD MORNING,MRS. BLANKENSOCK!

[singing]HELLO.

♪ WELL, I WONDERIF A BIRD'S EVER-- ♪

[crack][gasps]

[groans]I'M SORRY.

HEY, YOU RUINEDMY HAND, YOU BITCH!

BUT THEN YESTERDAY,THE HOSPITAL

SMELLED LIKE THE LIBRARY.

(Jay) NOW WHY DOES STUFF HAPPEN LIKE THAT?

(Laura) RIGHT?

I STEPPED ONA HOMELESS HAND TODAY.

IT WAS SO GROSS.

I DON'T GETHOMELESS PEOPLE.

I MEAN, IF THEY WANTTO USE THEIR HANDS SO BAD,

WHY DON'T THEY USE ITTO CALL THEIR LITTLE SISTER

AND TELL HER, "I'M HOMELESS,COME PICK ME UP"?

SARAH, IT DOESN'T WORKTHAT WAY.

WHEN YOU'RE HOMELESS,

YOU DON'T JUST CALL YOUR FAMILYTO PICK YOU UP.

(Jay) CAN I EXPAND ON THAT POINT?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARDOF THE EXPRESSION,

"THERE BUT FORTHE GRACE OF GOD GO I"?

NO, BUT I LOVE THAT.

IT COULD HAPPENTO ANYONE, ALL RIGHT?

ANYONE COULD BE HOMELESS.YOU COULD BE HOMELESS.

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL JUSTONE BAD DECISION AWAY

FROM LIVING ON THE STREETS.

ME HOMELESS?THAT IS INSANE, JAY.

I MEAN, THE ONLY THINGMORE INSANE THAN THAT

WAS THE HOMELESS GUYWHOSE HAND I STEPPED ON TODAY.

HE WAS LIKE,"BLEEH! MY HAND!"

MAY I REMIND YOUTHAT YOU HAVE NO JOB

AND THAT LAURA PAYS FOR YOUR RENT

AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHINGYOU POSSESS?

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE NO POSSESSIONS, ALL RIGHT?

FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES,YOU ARE A HOMELESS PERSON.

HEY, HEY, HEY.RELAX, RELAX.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

TAKE IT BACK!YOU TAKE IT BACK, JAY!

HAVE A SEAT, EASY.PUT THE SPOON DOWN.

HERE, HAVEA PIECE OF FRUIT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

[singing]

[screams][thud]

OH!

SORRY.

MAYBE IT'S ALLJUST A BAD DREAM.

MAYBE IF I CLOSE MY EYES

AND I CLICK MY HEELSTHREE TIMES,

ALL OF THIS WILL GO AWAY

AND I WON'T BE HOMELESSANYMORE.

[clicks]

[screams]

SARAH SUNSHINE!

MIKE!

YOU'RE HOMELESS AGAIN?

WHAT HAPPENED?

IMPULSE BUYING.

YOU KNOWTHE LITTLE BOOKS AND STUFF

THEY PUT RIGHT NEXTTO THE CASH REGISTER?

YES.CAN'T RESIST IT.

ALSO CRACK.

UHH!

I'M HOMELESS TOO.

IT'S THE WORST.

AW, SARAH, BEINGHOMELESS IS FANTASTIC.

THERE'S NOTHINGBUT ADVENTURE

AND CAMARADERIEAND FREEDOM.

REALLY?

IT DOESN'T SMELLLIKE FREEDOM.

I WANT TO SHOW YOUSOMETHING.

BUT FIRST,I GOTTA GO TO THE CAN.

I DON'T GET IT.

IT'S FOR POOP.

WHEN YOU'RE HOMELESS,THIS IS WHERE YOU GO.

NOW THE BRANDI GENERALLY PREFER IS YUBAN,

'CAUSE THEN I CAN SAYYUBAN POOPIN' IN MY COFFEE CAN.

[laughs]

I GET IT.

I GET THAT.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

COME ON, SARAH.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA WHOLE NEW WORLD.

[banjo music]

♪ IN THE BIG ROCKCANDY MOUNTAINS ♪

♪ THERE'S A LANDTHAT'S FAIR AND BRIGHT ♪

♪ WHERE THE DIME BAGSCOST A NICKEL ♪

♪ AND THE HIGH WILL LASTALL NIGHT ♪

♪ WHERE THE SEWERSMELLS LIKE HONEY ♪

♪ AND THE WHORESDON'T HAVE DISEASE ♪

♪ THE ROACHESLOOK LIKE EASTER EGGS ♪

♪ MALT LIQUOR GROWS ON TREES

♪ WHERE YOU NEVER GET SHOTAND YOUR SKIN WON'T ROT ♪

♪ AND THE HIVsONLY MAKE YOU SNEEZE ♪

♪ IN THE BIG ROCK CANDYMOUNTAIN ♪

♪ WHERE THE GANGSALL FIGHT WITH PILLOWS ♪

♪ AND THE COPS HAND OUTFRESH BREAD ♪

♪ THE PIGEONSSING YOU LULLABIES ♪

♪ AND DON'T DOODYON YOUR HEAD ♪

(all)♪ WHERE YOU NEVER GET SHOTAND YOUR SKIN WON'T ROT ♪

♪ AND THE HIVsONLY MAKE YOU SNEEZE ♪

♪ IN THE BIG ROCK CANDYMOUNTAINS ♪

TO CHANGE THAT SIGN.

OH, I HAVE ANOTHER ONE.OKAY.

MAYBE THE OTHER ONE'SBETTER.

YOU THINK?I THINK SO TOO.YEAH.

"LOST MY KEYS."IT'S KIND OF CUTE.

YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

DO YOU EVER SOMETIMES,YOU KNOW,

KINDA MISS HAVING A ROOFOVER YOUR HEAD OR,

LIKE, A BEDOR A WARM BLANKET?

NO. THE STARRY NIGHT SKYIS MY BLANKET.

OH, YEAH, WELL THEN,WHAT'S YOUR ROOF?

THE TREETOPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT YOU, HOMELESS MIKE?

YOUR SPIRIT.AND YOUR HEART.

AND HOW YOUR FEET,OVER TIME,

HAVE KIND OF BECOMETHEIR OWN SHOES.

YEAH, I LIKE TO CALL 'EMMIKEY'S NIKES.

OH, THAT'S CLEVER.

I WOULDN'T DREAMOF GIVING YOU MONEY.

THE ONLY REASON TO BE HOMELESSIS IF YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO WORK.

RRRAAAAAA!

[women screaming]

[indistinct conversation]

MICHAEL?!

MOM!

DAD?

OH, SON, I CAN'T BELIEVEWE FOUND YOU.

[laughing, crying]

OH, COME ON, LET'S GO HOME

AND GET YOU WASHED.

WE'VE GOT A LOTOF CATCHING UP TO DO.

ALL RIGHT!

HEY, CAN WE STOPFOR ICE CREAM?

OF COURSE WE CAN.

YOU CAN HAVE ALLTHE ICE CREAM YOU WANT, BABY.

ALL SET.

WHAT--

OF THE SLOWINGAMERICAN ECONOMY,

RANKS SWELL AMONGVALLEY VILLAGE'S HOMELESS.

I'M HERE WITH NEWLY HOMELESS CITIZEN,

SARAH SILVERMAN.

THANK YOU, JANE.

YOU KNOW, THE HOMELESSARE REALLY NO DIFFERENT

THAN ANYONE WITHOUT A HOME.

WE SLEEP UNDER THE STARS,

UH, WE POOP IN COFFEE CANS,

AND, UH, YEAH,WE GOSSIP.

OH, SARAH!

WE--WE HAVE A LOT OF--

MY FRIEND THURMANACTUALLY DOES

AN AMAZING IMPRESSIONOF THE GIRLS

FROM DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION.

THURMAN.OH, THURMAN,

DO MANNY...FROM DEGRASSI.

"I'M NOT GONNA BEYOUR TRAINED MONKEY, SARAH."

OKAY, HE'LL DO ITWHEN HE DOES IT.

UM, BUT WE HAVESO MUCH FUN.

MY FRIEND BERT, WHO I'MLOOKING AT RIGHT NOW DOWN THERE.

COME ON.BUT I--

(Sarah) AND HAS ONE GREEN KNEE, WHICH SOUNDS BIZARRE...

OW!

OW!

OW!

MIKE.

MIKE!

SARAH!

HEY, GUYS,HOW WAS APPLE PICKING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOINGDRESSED LIKE THIS?

I'M HOMELESS NOW.IT'S AMAZING.

SARAH, THAT'S CRAZY.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

YOU NEED TO COME HOMERIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T JUST COME HOME, LAURA.

BEING HOMELESS ISN'T A CHOICE.IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE BORN WITH.

I REALIZE THAT NOW.

JAY, YOU WERETOTALLY RIGHT.

OH, WELL, I JUST SAW THE SIGNSAND I READ IT AS--

SARAH,YOU'RE NOT HOMELESS.

I CAN SEE YOUR APARTMENTFROM HERE.

LISTEN, SARAH,HUH.

PERHAPS YOU COULDTAKE UP A HOBBY.

I MEAN, INSTEADOF BEING A HOMELESS WOMAN, YOU--

ICE SKATING!

YOU KNOW?

(Laura)SARAH, IT'S NOT SAFETO BE DOWN HERE.

IT' NOT SAFE TO BE AROUNDHOMELESS PEOPLE.

A LOT OF THEMARE MENTALLY ILL.

HUH, WHAT A TOUGH DECISION.

UH, SLEEP NEXT TO A DUMPSTERAND GET STABBED BY TEENAGERS

OR SLEEP INDOORS AND GETA CONDESCENDING LECTURE

ONCE AGAINBY MY SISTER LAURA.

HMM.SARAH...

HEY, WHY DON'T YOUAND THE MOUSTACHE OVER HERE

GO HOME AND DRINKSOME SHERRY

AND WATCH PAT SAJAK ORWHATEVER IT IS YOU PEOPLE DO.

MIKE!

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