Comedy Central Presents
Season 7

CC Presents: Gabriel Iglesias

  • Season 7, Ep 1
  • 02/06/2003

Gabriel Iglesias isn't fat, just fluffy, right between "husky" and "damn" in the Five Levels of Fatness.

GABRIEL IGLESIAS: WOW,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

MAN, WHERE WERE YOU GUYS

WHEN I WAS IN COURT?

(LAUGHTER)

I NEEDED THAT, MAN.

WOW, WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK?

HOW YOU GUYS DOING, MAN?

PRETTY GOOD?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHOO!

I'M GOOD, MAN.

SUPPOSED TO GET A LITTLE BIT

COLD EARLIER, MAN.

I WENT OUTSIDE, AND DING.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS OUTSIDE EARLIER.

IT WAS A LITTLE BIT NIPPY

AND STUFF.

NOT LIKE A FEW WEEKS AGO,

I WAS IN THE OPPOSITE--

I WAS IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA.

AND IT GETS HOT OUT THERE, MAN.

IT WAS LIKE 115, 120.

OOH!

I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW,

I GOT OFF THE PLANE.

I WAS WALKING AND COOKING

AT THE SAME TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE, SSSS, SSSS,

SSSS, SSSS, SSSS...

(LAUGHTER)

I SWEAR TO GOD, I SMELLED LIKE

CHICKEN.

I KNOW I DID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT WAS HOT OVER THERE, MAN.

THERE WAS LIKE NOT A WHOLE LOT

TO DO BECAUSE OF THE HEAT.

SO, LIKE THE ONLY THING WE CAN

DO TO ENJOY OURSELVES IS LIKE,

GO TO THE MALL, YOU KNOW?

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYS IF YOU

GUYS EVER GET THE CHANCE TO GO

TO PHOENIX, ARIZONA, THEY HAVE

A FUTURISTIC MALL THERE.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

BUT THEY HAVE ONE.

IT IS SO COOL.

YOU WALK IN THE ENTRANCE

AND THE MALL ACTUALLY GREETS YOU

WHEN YOU WALK IN, WHICH MESS'S

PEOPLE UP.

'CAUSE YOU WALK IN, RIGHT?

'DING.'

(AUTOMATED VOICE) "WELCOME

TO THE ARIZONA MALL."

AND THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE, "WHOA."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT SEE I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP

BECAUSE I WALKED IN WITH MY

FRIEND FELIPE AND THE MALL WAS

LIKE...

(AUTOMATED VOICE) "BENVENEDO,

SAL MALL DE ARIZONA."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SAID, "MAN, THIS GOTTA BE

A COINCIDENCE."

AT LEAST I THOUGHT IT WAS UNTIL

I SAW THIS BLACK GUY WALK IN.

DING.

(AUTOMATED VOICE) "YO, DOG,

WELCOME TO THE MALL."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"HUH, YOU, TOO, HUH?"

IT WAS COOL, MAN.

BUT, YEAH, LIKE I SAW HIM

WALKING AROUND EARLY.

AND YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULDN'T

BOTHER ME AS MUCH, 'CAUSE I'M

FLUFFY, YOU KNOW, AND I GOT

INSULATION.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT.

FLUFFY, I SAID IT.

IT'S THE POLITICALLY CORRECT

TERM.

BECAUSE ONE TIME, I MESSED UP

AND I CALLED MYSELF FAT AROUND

MY MOM AND MY MOM WAS LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT FAT.

YOU'RE JUST FLUFFY."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE BROKE IT DOWN.

SHE TOLD ME THAT THERE WERE FIVE

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FATNESS.

FOR REAL.

SHE SAYS THERE'S BIG,

THERE'S HEALTHY, THERE'S HUSKY,

THERE'S FLUFFY, AND THERE'S

"DAMN."

(LAUGHTER)

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND, SHE WAS

FLUFFY, TOO.

SHE WAS COOL, MAN, 'CAUSE I USED

TO CALL HER UP IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS WOULD ALWAYS

TELL US HOW ROMANTIC WE WERE.

I'D CALL HER UP, NO BIG DEAL,

RIGHT?

(ROTARY PHONE DIALING NOISE)

(LAUGHTER)

OLD SCHOOL, HUH?

(LAUGHTER)

(PHONE RINGING

AND HEAVY BREATHING)

(LAUGHTER)

PICK UP THE PHONE.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

(FEMALE VOICE) "HELLO."

(MALE VOICE) "HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "OH, NOTHING.

I'M JUST HERE."

(MALE VOICE) "OOH, WHERE?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "IN THE KITCHEN."

(MALE VOICE) "OH, REALLY?

(GIGGLING)

OOH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE

KITCHEN?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "OH, NOTHING.

I'M JUST BAKING."

(MALE VOICE) "OH, REALLY?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OOH, WHAT ARE YOU BAKING?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "OH, NOTHING,

JUST A CHOCOLATE CAKE."

(MALE VOICE) "OH, REALLY?

(LAUGHTER)

OH, BABY, SAY IT SLOW,

SAY IT SLOW."

(FEMALE VOICE) "CHOC-O-LATE...

CAKE."

(MALE VOICE) "AYE, DIOS MIO."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GABRIEL IGLESIAS: YEAH, MAN,

I'M DOING REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS.

I DIDN'T START OFF THE YEAR

THAT WAY.

OH, MY GOD, I STARTED IT OFF

IN THE HOSPITAL.

I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT

HAPPENED.

I WAS AT THE HOUSE AND I WAS

EATING A COOKIE.

(GIGGLES)

AND IT WAS GOOD.

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I GOT

A PAIN IN MY SIDE.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE PAINS THAT

NOT EVEN A GOOD FART CAN GET RID

OF.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

OH, SURE ENOUGH, I WOUND UP IN

THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND IT WAS

THE SCARIEST FEELING IN MY WHOLE

LIFE.

BECAUSE THE FIRST THING THEY DID

TO ME WAS THEY STRIPPED ME

OF ALL MY CLOTHES.

AND NOT IN A SEXY WAY, EITHER.

THEY TAKE ALL MY CLOTHES

AND THEY REPLACE 'EM WITH THIS

NASTY, GREEN HOSPITAL GOWN.

YOU KNOW THE KIND WHERE THEY

TIE IT IN THE BACK, AND YOU'RE

BUTT IS SHOWING, RIGHT?

LITTLE KIDS WALKING BY.

(KIDS VOICE) "DAMN."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU SHUT UP."

SO, I SEE MY REFLECTION

IN THE MIRROR, AND I REALIZE

AT THAT MOMENT, WITH ALL THAT

GREEN ON, THAT I DO NOT LOOK

LIKE A COMEDIAN.

OH, NO.

WITH ALL THAT GREEN ON, I LOOK

LIKE (BLEEP) SHREK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND IT WASN'T ME WHO GAVE ME

THE NICKNAME, EITHER.

IT WAS THE NURSES.

I COULD HEAR 'EM, TOO.

(FEMALE VOICE) "MARTA, LOOK AT

THAT CHUBBY BOY.

HE LOOKS LIKE SHREK, HUH?

ALL HE NEEDS ARE THE ANTENNAS

AND THE DONKEY.

THAT'S IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, THEN THEY WHEEL ME INTO MY

OWN ROOM, RIGHT, AND I'M LAYING

THERE IN BED.

I'M HOLDING MY SIDE.

AND THE DOCTOR COMES IN.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS

ABOUT DOCTORS.

THEY'RE JUST ALWAYS HAPPY

TO SEE YOU, RIGHT?

"AH, MR. IGLESIAS, HOW ARE YOU?"

(SQUEAKY VOICE) "I CAN'T FART."

(LAUGHTER)

"MR. IGLESIAS, DON'T WORRY,

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

JUST ROLL OVER ON YOUR SIDE

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

SO, I ROLL OVER.

AND HE GOES OVER TO THE WALL

AND HE GETS THESE LITTLE RUBBER

GLOVES.

AND HE PUTS THEM ON--

DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME, PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

HE PUTS ON THESE GLOVES AND

YOU HEAR...

AND HE WALKS OVER, AND HE PUTS

HIS HAND RIGHT HERE AND HE GOES

"DOES THAT HURT?"

"UH-HUH."

"DOES THAT HURT?"

"UH-HUH."

AND THEN THIS DOCTOR TURNED INTO

A MAGICIAN.

OH, YES, HE DID 'CAUSE HIS HAND

DISAPPEARED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT REAPPEARED SOMEWHERE

WAYYY BACK HERE.

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

WHAT HE DID.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID.

YEAH, POKEMON, POKEMON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE

TO TELL ME, "MR. IGLESIAS,

I FOUND THE PROBLEM.

YOU SEEM TO BE SUFFERING

INTERNALLY.

YOU HAVE A BLOCKAGE IN YOUR

SYSTEM."

AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M THINKING,

"WELL, PULL OUT YOUR FINGER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE THE ONE BLOCKING IT,

DUDE."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SO, HE SAYS, "MR. IGLESIAS,

WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO FLUSH OUT

YOUR SYSTEM."

"OH, OKAY, FLUSH ME OUT.

GIVE ME SOME CRACKERS AND SOME

DIET SODA.

LET'S DO IT", RIGHT?

"NO, MR. IGLESIAS, WE HAVE

ANOTHER PROCEDURE.

IT'S PAINLESS.

IT'S QUICK.

TRUST ME."

SO, I'M LIKE, "OKAY, I GOTTA SEE

THIS", RIGHT?

SO, HE PICKS UP THE CALL BUTTON,

AND RINGS THE NURSE.

'BING.'

AND THE NURSE COMES IN.

"OH, IT'S A SHREK."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE WALKS IN WITH THIS

LITTLE BAG, WITH LIKE A LITTLE

HOSE HANGING OUT OF IT, RIGHT?

AND I SEE THIS LITTLE HOSE.

AND I'M THINKING "OOH, BITCH,

YOU BETTER BE WATERING A PLANT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

WHAT SHE DID WITH THE HOSE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID WITH

THE HOSE.

SHE MADE ME A WATER BALLOON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA

FLUSH YOU OUT, THEY'RE NOT

LYING.

THE SECOND THEY DO THIS TO YOU,

GUESS WHEN YOU GOTTA GO.

RIGHT THERE.

AND THEY DON'T DO IT WHEN

IT'S ALL CONVENIENT--

WHEN YOU'RE OVER HERE IN THE

FACILITIES AND YOU'RE SITTING

DOWN AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY,

LET 'ER RIP.

LET'S DO IT.

THAT WOULD BE TOO CONVENIENT.

NO.

THEY DO IT WHEN YOU'RE LAYING

DOWN, 18 FEET AWAY, RIGHT?

LAYING DOWN.

AND THEY DO THIS TO YOU.

AND ANYTHING YOU HAVE IN HERE,

GOES FROM HERE, BACK THERE,

BOOM, LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

IT JUST HITS YOU LIKE A SHOT.

(POP)

AHH!

I LOCKED UP.

MY LEGS STIFFENED UP.

I TRIED TO RUN TO THE RESTROOM.

YOU GUYS, I LOOKED LIKE AN OLD

FRANKENSTEIN MOVIE IN

FAST FORWARD, MAN.

AHHHH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE WHOLE TIME, THE NURSES

ARE RUNNING BEHIND ME.

"WATCH OUT!

SHREK IS GONNA BLOW!"

GOING GREAT, MAN.

YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH

FUN I HAVE DOING THIS.

I MEAN, IT IS SO GREAT.

I GET TO TRAVEL.

BUT THE COOL PART ABOUT

TRAVELING IS ALL MY FRIENDS WHO

TRAVEL WITH ME ARE COMEDIANS.

AND I HAVE THIS ONE FRIEND

WHO'S A COMIC, RIGHT?

HIS NAME IS FELIPE.

THIS GUY IS NUTS.

THIS GUY IS ONE OF THOSE

COMEDIANS WHO TAKES IT TOO FAR.

HE LIKES TO PLAY PRACTICAL

JOKES.

AND EVERY TIME HE DOES SOMETHING

TO ME, AND SOMETHING GOES WRONG,

HIS RESPONSE IS, "HEY, FOOL,

BUT IT WAS FUNNY, HUH?"

"DUDE, I GOT ARRESTED."

"I KNOW.

BUT IT WAS FUNNY, HUH?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE SUCKS, MAN.

I GOTTA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE DOING THIS SHOW IN

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA.

AND WE'RE DRIVING BACK TO L.A.

WELL, IN BETWEEN IN SAN DIEGO

AND L.A., THEY HAD THIS

CHECKPOINT IN A CITY CALLED

SAN CLEMENTE, RIGHT?

THIS CHECKPOINT IS DESIGNED

TO PREVENT ILLEGAL ALIENS FROM

MAKING IT ALL THE WAY TO L.A.

YOU SEE HOW WELL THAT WORKS.

BUT ANYWAY...

IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL CHECKPOINT.

THEY DON'T EVEN STOP THE CAR.

THEY JUST KIND OF LIKE, RACIALLY

PROFILE YOU AND WAVE YOU BY.

I SWEAR THIS IS WHAT THEY DO.

(SOUND OF CAR DRIVING BY)

(ANOTHER CAR DRIVING BY)

BUT THE SECOND THEY SEE

TWO OR MORE LATINOS IN THE CAR,

THE WHOLE STORY CHANGES.

I SWEAR IT DOES.

(SOUND OF CAR DRIVING BY)

(TIRES SCREECHING TO A HALT)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW."

"WHAT?"

"BAJA LA VENTAN."

(LAUGHTER)

"ALRIGHT, LOOK HERE, LIVIN'

LA VIDA LOCA.

WHAT'S YOUR CITIZENSHIP?"

I'M IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, RIGHT?

I'M ALL FREAKING OUT.

I'M LIKE, "OFFICER, I'M AN

AMERICAN CITIZEN.

SO IS MY FRIEND FELIPE."

AND THEN I LOOK AT FELIPE.

"ALRIGHT, FELIPE, DON'T MESS

AROUND.

DON'T BE CRACKING NO JOKES

RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE A WARRANT.

DON'T PLAY, DUDE, DON'T PLAY."

"FOOL, I'M NOT GONNA--"

"SHUT UP."

SO, THEN THE OFFICER LOOKS

AT HIM, RIGHT?

AMIGO, WHAT'S YOUR

CITIZENSHIP?"

AND HE LOOKS AT HIM, RIGHT?

"HEY, OFFICER.

I'M AMERICAN CITIZEN, FOOL."

THEN HE DOES THIS.

"HEY, HOLD ON.

HEY, YOU GUYS IN THE TRUNK,

KEEP IT DOWN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AH, THE NEXT THING I KNOW,

WE'RE OUTSIDE ON THE GROUND.

"DUDE, YOU'RE AN ASS, BRO."

"I KNOW, BUT IT WAS FUNNY, HUH?"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYS,

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

OH, I GOT HIM REALLY GOOD ONE

TIME, RIGHT?

IT WAS THREE COMEDIANS TOTAL.

IT WAS MY FRIEND MANDO AND I.

MY FRIEND MANDO IS KINDA BUILT

LIKE ME A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

HERCULES, HERCULES.

IT WAS HIM, MYSELF AND FELIPE

OF COURSE.

AND THEY PUT US UP AT THIS HOTEL

BUT THEY ONLY GAVE US TWO ROOMS.

SO, I GAVE ONE ROOM TO FELIPE

AND MY BUDDY MANDO AND I TOOK

THE OTHER, RIGHT?

TEN MINUTES INTO THE STAY,

I'M LIKE, "MANDO, I KNOW FELIPE

WANTS TO GET SOME SLEEP.

WE GOTTA MESS WITH THIS GUY.

WE GOTTA CALL HIM UP AND DO

SOMETHING."

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, CALL HIM UP."

I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, ALRIGHT?

HOLD ON.

I'LL CALL HIM.

SHUT UP."

(SOUND OF PHONE RINGING)

"ALRIGHT, SHUT UP, OKAY, OKAY,

HOLD ON."

"HELLO?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "HELLO, SIR?

HI, THIS IS THE FRONT DESK.

WE'RE HAVING A REPORT OF A LOT

OF NOISE COMING FROM YOUR ROOM.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PLEASE

KEEP THE NOISE DOWN?"

"OH, I'M SORRY, FOOL.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS MAKING

NOISE."

"THANK YOU, SIR."

TEN MINUTES LATER CALLED HIM

BACK.

(SOUND OF PHONE RING)

(HEAVY BREATHING) "HELLO?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "HELLO, SIR?

HI, FRONT DESK AGAIN.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU DO NOT

UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAID EARLIER

ABOUT THE NOISE.

YOU NEED TO KEEP THE NOISE

DOWN."

"BUT I'M NOT MAKING N-- "

"SIR, LISTEN, YOU EITHER KEEP

THE NOISE DOWN, OR I'M GONNA

CALL THE AUTHORITIES."

(HEAVY BREATHING)

"OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SORRY."

"THANK YOU."

AND BEFORE I HUNG UP THE PHONE,

I DID THIS.

(FEMALE VOICE) "DAMN MEXICAN."

(HANGS UP)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHOO!

I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYS, MAN,

YOU SWORE TO GOD THE MEXICAN

REVOLUTION STARTED ALL OVER

AGAIN.

HE WAS MAD.

HE CAME RUNNING OVER

TO THE DOOR, POUNDING, YOU KNOW?

"FOOL, OPEN THE DOOR."

(GIGGLING)

"WE GOT HIM.

WE GOT HIM."

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP,

SHUT UP."

ALRIGHT.

(SOUND OF DOOR OPENING)

"WHAT'S UP, BRO?"

"FOOL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE

IT.

THIS HOTEL IS RACIST."

"REALLY?

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"FOOL, THE LADY AT THE

FRONT DESK HAS A PROBLEM WITH

MEXICANS."

"WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

DO ABOUT IT?"

"FOOL, I'M GONNA GO SHOOT THAT

BITCH."

(LAUGHTER)

FELIPE GETS TO THE LOBBY ABOUT

15 SECONDS BEFORE WE DO, RIGHT?

AND HE MAKES THE BIGGEST SCENE

IN THE LOBBY.

AND KEEP IN MIND, THE GIRLS AT

THE COUNTER, THEY HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY'RE STANDING THERE.

THEY'RE DOING THEIR JOB.

AND FELIPE COMES IN.

"ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU

BITCHES DOESN'T LIKE MEXICANS?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY'RE BEHIND THE COUNTER,

RIGHT?

"OH, MY GOD.

MY GOD."

AND ONE OF 'EM PRESSES

THE LITTLE SILENT ALARM BUTTON

THINGY, RIGHT?

AND WE DIDN'T FIND OUT 'TIL

LATER.

SURE ENOUGH, ARMANDO AND I,

WE GET TO THE LOBBY.

"DUDE, FELIPE-- DON'T MESS

AROUND, BRO.

DON'T--"

"FOOL, SHUT UP, YOU'RE LAUGHING

AT ME."

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SECURITY

GUY WALKS IN, GRABS FELIPE

AND STARTS TRYING TO, YOU KNOW,

PUT HIM DOWN.

I'M LIKE, "SIR, I CAN EXPLAIN

EVERY--"

"FOOL, SHUT UP."

AND HE STARTS ARGUING.

SO, I WALK UP FROM BEHIND,

AND I GRAB HIS EAR AND I GO,

(FEMALE VOICE) "SIR...

"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO KEEP

THE NOISE DOWN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"FOOL, WAS THAT YOU?"

(FEMALE VOICE) "YES, SIR."

"YOU'RE A PUNK, FOOL."

(FEMALE VOICE) "I KNOW, SIR.

BUT IT WAS FUNNY, HUH?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN,I GOTTA TELL YOU THOUGH.

IT'S COOL BEING A BIG GUY.

YOU KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE I HAVENOTHING BUT BIG FRIENDS,

WHICH IS SO COOL 'CAUSE WHEN YOUHAVE NOTHING BUT BIG FRIENDS,

YOU NEVER GET INTO ARGUMENTS,EXCEPT ONE.

AND THAT IS "WHO IS THEBIGGEST?"

AND I'M GONNA LET YOU GUYS KNOWRIGHT NOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO SETTLE THIS.

WE ALL GET IN A BUS AND WE GO TODISNEY.

AND WE GET IN A ROLLER COASTER.

AND WHOEVER GETS THE LEASTAMOUNTS OF CLICKS ON THE SAFETY

BAR...

(LAUGHTER)IS THE BIG ONE.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THEME PARKYOU GO TO IN AMERICA, IT'S

ALWAYS THE SAME GIRL WHO WORKSON EVERY SINGLE ROLLER COASTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,RIGHT?

(SQUEAKY VOICE) "OH, MY GOD.

(GIGGLES)HI, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO THE MAGICAL WORLDOF DISNEY.

MY NAME'S LIBERTY.

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

(GIGGLING)SHUT UP."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)THEN SHE BREAKS DOWN THE RULES

AND REGULATIONS, TURNS AROUNDAND SEES US, RIGHT?

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PLEASE FOR--

OH, MY GOD."

(GIGGLES)THE GUY IN THE CONTROL BOOTH,

HE'S LIKE, "DAMN."

(GIGGLES) "I KNOW, HUH?""LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S

BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE OF RULES.

UM, PLEASE FORWARD ONE ATA TIME."

SO, MY FRIEND MANDO GOES FIRST,RIGHT?

"GABRIEL, DON'T WORRY, BRO,I'LL GO FIRST."

(SOUND OF DOOR OPENING)(SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(SOUND OF FLOOR CREAKING)

(SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING)ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.

(SOUND OF SEAT BELT CLICKING)TWO CLICK.

(LAUGHTER)OH, HE THINKS HE'S BAD

WITH THOSE TWO CLICKS.

"STAND BACK, KIDS, WATCH THIS."

"GO, SHREK."

"SHUT UP."

(LAUGHTER)(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SOUND OF FLOOR CREAKING)(HEAVING BREATHING)

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

(SOUND OF SEAT BELT CLICKING)(CLICKING STOPS)

(SOUND OF HEAVY BREATHING)(TAKES DEAP BREATH)

(CLICKING CONTINUES)(CLICKING STOPS)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)(SQUEAKY VOICE) "THREE CLICKS."

"SHUT UP."

(GIGGLING) "OH, MY GOD.

AH, THEY FIT.

(LAUGHTER)BYE."

(COASTER STARTS)(COASTER DESCENDS)

(COASTER CLIMBING SLOWLY)(COASTER DIES)

(SOUND OF BREAKS HISSING)(LAUGHTER)

(BLEEP)(COASTER DESCENDS)

AHHH!

(COASTER CLIMBS SLOWLY)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(COASTER MOVING BACKWARD)(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(SOUND OF BREAKS HISSING)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

ONE HOUR LATER.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS ISPHIL STEVENS REPORTING LIVE

FOR ACTION NEWS.

WE'RE STANDING HERE LIVEIN FRONT OF THE MAGICAL WORLD

OF DISNEY, WHERE AUTHORITIESBELIEVE TWO LARGE LATINOS

DID NOT MAKE THE LOOP."

(LAUGHTER)AND RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WILL BE

THE GUY FROM THE OTHER STATION,RIGHT?

(SPEAKING SPANISH RAPIDLY)...DOS LATINO'S-- DAMN."

MUCH LOVE, NEW YORK.

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