Dore, Vos, Donnelly, Tess

  • Season 5, Ep 503
  • 10/26/2001

Jimmy Dore worries about a rash, Rich Vos can't help his daughter with homework, Andrew Donnelly stays at a Super 8 Motel, and Tess recalls her time as a stripper.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>> WHAT'S GOIN'

ON?!

HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

CALM DOWN.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS,

SERIOUSLY, BEFORE WE KICK OFF

IN THIS COMEDY.

AND, AH--

I FEEL WE CAN BE HONEST.

I DATE A LOT OF YOUNGER WOMEN.

I DO.

I DO.

I DO.

I LIKE THE YOUNG HONEY BUNNIES.

I DO.

AND I DIDN'T PLAN IT, YOU KNOW.

THINGS WORK OUT THAT WAY.

BUT, AH--

WHAT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU IS

THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S

EASY TO DATE THESE YOUNG WOMEN.

IT'S NOT.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

IT TAKE A LOT OF PREPARATION--

I HAVE TO WORK OUT ALMOST

EVERY DAY TO REMAIN PORTLY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I GOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO TALK TO THESE

KNUCKLEHEADS.

SO I GOT TO GO ON THE INTERNET

AND...

AND YOU GOT TO GET INTO

THEIR MINDS, THEIR WORLDS.

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE LITTLE FLASH CARDS

THAT I TAKE WITH ME.

YOU KNOW?

"HEY, GIRL.

HOW YOU DOIN?

IS, AH--

(LAUGHTER)

IS BRITNEY SPEARS STILL DATING,

AH--

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

JUSTIN TIMBERWOLF-- AH, LAKE

FROM THE JACKSON 5--

I MEAN, 'N SYNC?

ARE THEY STILL HOOKED UP?"

IT'S HARD.

AND YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT

BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES

WHEN THESE YOUNG WOMEN--

WHEN THEY TALK--

THEY WON'T SHUT UP.

AND IT'S PHYSICALLY PAINFUL.

"GOD, JUST MAKE HER TAKE HER

CLOTHES OFF...

AND HAVE SEX WITH ME.

SHE KEEPS TALKING.

I CAN'T TAKE IT."

OH.

YOU HAVE TO BE VERY PATIENT.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF MY OLDER

FEMALE FRIENDS--

THEY ALWAYS DOG ME OUT.

"WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLE HAVE

TO TALK ABOUT WITH A WOMAN

WHO'S TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER

THAN YOU?"

"WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

WE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

OKAY?"

A LOT OF STUFF NEEDS TO BE

DISCUSSED.

THINGS LIKE...

"AH, LOOK HERE, GIRL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN

YOU GROW UP?"

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, HEY.

THANKS FOR THAT LITTLE CRAYON

DRAWING, BABY.

PUT THAT ON THE REFRIGERATOR

NEXT TO THE OTHER ONE.

I TOLD YOU I USED TO DATE

YOUR MOMMA, RIGHT?"

SO THERE'S A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

AND I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT

OFF MY CHEST.

NOW ARE YOU GUYS READY TO LAUGH?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH

NEW YORK?!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

ALL RIGHT!

WE'RE KICKIN' THIS OFF CORRECT!

NOW THIS PERFORMER EXPERTLY

MINDS THE DARKER SIDE

JIMMY DORE>> OH, GOD BLESS

AMERICA.

YEAH.

HELLO.

I GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT.

I'VE BEEN NOTICING A TREND

IN AMERICA.

PEOPLE LIKE TO SANITIZE

THEIR SIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THEY GO TO LAS VEGAS NOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN CALL IT GAMBLING

ANYMORE.

THEY CALL IT "GAMING".

OOHH.

IT'S SOUND LIKE A CHRISTIAN

THING TO DO, DOESN'T IT?

"WE'RE GOING TO GO GAMING."

"YOU MEAN LIKE PERCHESE?"

"NO.

IT'S GAMBLING FOR MONEY.

YOU KNOW.

COME ON.

I EVEN SAW THIS LADY BEING

INTERVIEWED.

SHE WAS A SPOKESMAN FOR A

CASINO.

AND SHE SAID--

THE GUY TRIED TO CORNER HER--

AND HE SAID," DON'T YOU THINK

IT'S HORRIBLE THE WAY YOU TRICK

PEOPLE INTO THINKING THEY CAN

WIN MONEY WHEN THE ODDS ARE

REALLY STACKED AGAINST THEM?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, I DON'T THINK

PEOPLE EXPECT TO WIN MONEY

WHEN THEY COME TO A CASINO.

I THINK THEY LOOK AT IT AS

ENTERTAINMENT."

WHAT DICTIONARY ARE YOU USING

EXACTLY?

IF I SEE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

DO A FOUR HOUR SHOW,

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

IF I LOSE TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS

AT A CRAP TABLE, THAT IS A

HORRIFIC EVENING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY

BEFORE I GET GOING.

NOW, IT'S GONNA HELP YOU ENJOY

THE STORY IF YOU KEEP THIS

IN MIND.

IT TURNED OUT, IT'S JUST A RASH.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

KEEP THAT IN MIND.

THIS IS PRETTY RECENT.

IT WAS LIKE ABOUT TWO MONTHS

AGO.

I KEPT GETTING THESE PIMPLES

ON MY FACE IN THE SAME PLACE.

THEY'D GO AWAY BUT THEY'D COME

BACK RIGHT IN THE SAME PLACE.

SO MY MOM CONVINCED ME--

"IT'S CANCER.

YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

THAT'S CANCER."

I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT GONNA SEE A

DOCTOR FOR PIMPLES, YOU KNOW?"

AND THEN ABOUT A WEEK LATER,

I GOT THIS RED MARK ON MY

TESTICLE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "I BETTER SEE

A FRIGGIN' DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY."

SO, NOW I'M SITTING IN THE

WAITING ROOM--

NOW I'M ALREADY WOUND UP

LIKE A RUBBER BAND--

I DON'T WANT TO SHOW THIS

TO ANYBODY.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE

TO SEE IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT

IS...

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

SO AFTER WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN

ETERNITY, THEY GO, "ALL RIGHT,

MR. DORE.

WE'RE READY FOR YOU."

THEY TAKE ME INTO THE ROOM.

AND I GO INTO THE EXAMINING

ROOM, AND IT'S A WOMAN.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AHH!

SHE'S LIKE FIFTY FIVE YEARS OLD.

SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE MY MOM.

AND SHE'S GOT ANOTHER WOMAN

HELPING HER.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

SO I'M SITTING THERE AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

AND I'M LIKE "AH, I GOT THESE

PIMPLES.

I UNDERSTAND IT COULD BE

CANCER."

THEY'RE LIKE "IS THERE ANYTHING

ELSE WRONG?"

AND IN MY HEAD I'M GOING

"JUST LEAVE, JIM.

GET ANOTHER DOCTOR.

YOU DON'T NEED THIS STRESS."

AND THEN I SAID "JIM, DON'T BE

AN IDIOT.

THESE ARE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

YOU'RE IN A MEDICAL OFFICE.

THEY SEE THIS STUFF EVERYDAY.

BE A GROWN-UP."

SO I SAID "ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE A RED MARK ON MY...

AH, TESTICLE."

SHE SAID "WELL, GET OVER HERE

AND STRIP.

WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT."

OH, STRIP.

AND I GET UP AND I START TO TAKE

MY PANTS OFF AND SHE SAYS

"I'M JUST KIDDING.

SIT DOWN."

"WHAT?

I'M GLAD I CAN BE YOUR PUNCH

LINE FOR THE AFTERNOON."

SHE SAYS, "WELL, JUST SIT DOWN

AND THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN

IN A MINUTE."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE DOCTOR?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, NOW...

SO, NOW I WANT TO GET THEM BACK,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I FIGURE WHEN THE DOCTOR WHEN

THE DOCTOR COMES IN I'M GONNA

TELL.

I'M TELLING.

SO THE DOCTOR COMES IN AND SAY

"HEY, I HEARD MY NURSE PLAYED

A GOOD JOKE YOU.

I TELL THEM TO KEEP IT FUN

AROUND HERE.

HA, HA, HA, HA."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT?"

SO THEN I WANT TO HURT HIM,

BUT I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW.

HE SAYS "SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

I GO "OH, I GOT A THING ON MY

TESTICLE.

YOU WANT TO SEE IT?"

HE GOES "OH, OKAY."

SO HE GETS OUT A CHAIR RIGHT

IN FRONT OF ME.

AND HE SITS DOWN.

AND I PULL MY PANTS DOWN.

AND HE LEANS IN AND HE'S GETTING

A GOOD LOOK.

AND HE'S GETTING A GOOD LOOK.

AND THEN REAL GENTLY, I PUT MY

HAND ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD...

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE STARTS TO PULL AWAY

AND HE GOES "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

I GO "SHH, SHH, SHH.

I THINK WE'RE EVEN."

HEY, I'M JIMMY DORE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

RICH VOS>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

LET'S HAVE BIG A HAND FOR ALL

MY OPENING ACTS TONIGHT SO FAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOVE THESE KIDS.

WE'VE GOT SOME SISTERS OVER

THERE.

HOW ARE YOU GIRLS DOIN'?

CHECKING ME OUT.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I'M TELLING YOU, ONCE YOU

GO WHITE...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO BLACK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU GUYS ARE A GOOD CROWD.

NEW YORK--

YOU'RE NOT UPTIGHT LIKE THAT,

MAN.

I LIKE THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHERE ARE THE SKINNY WHITE MEN?

ANYHOW...AH...

SEE, WE'RE TOO UPTIGHT IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE'RE TOO POLITICALLY CORRECT.

NOT ME, EVER.

EVER.

EVEN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

THE TEACHER USED TO SAY

"SIT INDIAN STYLE".

SO I GET A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY

AND LAY ON THE CURB.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVERY--

EVERYTHING HAS A NAME IN THIS

COUNTRY, TOO.

WHAT'S THIS "ATTENTION DEFICIT

DISORDER"?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST

"STUPID"?

"NO, MA'AM.

YOUR KID IS STUPID."

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A DISORDER?"

"NO.

THAT'S A DUMB KID."

ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT THE SMARTEST GUY.

I'M PRETTY DUMB.

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS GOING

IN THE SIXTH GRADE.

AND MY YOUNGEST IS GOING INTO

THE FOURTH.

AND WHEN I HELP THEM WITH THEIR

HOMEWORK, I REALLY DON'T KNOW

SOME OF THE ANSWERS.

"DADDY, WHAT'S A PRONOUN?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

A NOUN WHO GETS PAID."

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"WHAT'S A SYNONYM?"

"A BUN."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT'S A HOMONYM?"

"A GAY NYM."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"NOW GET BACK UP THERE

AND DANCE."

LOOSEN UP, FOLKS.

THIS IS ALL I GOT.

I'M SO PATHETIC.

I TRY TO BE SO COOL.

LOOK AT ME.

LOOK HOW BIG MY TEETH ARE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN I WAS A KID, FOR HALLOWEEN

MY MOTHER PAINTED MY FACE BROWN.

I SAID "WHAT AM I?"

SHE SAID "A PIANO."

I STINK.

I REALLY DO.

THIS IS HOW PATHETIC MY LIFE IS.

I OWN MY ELEVEN YEAR OLD

SIX DOLLARS FOR GIRL SCOUT

COOKIES...

AND I'M DODGING HER.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE CALLS ME FOR THE MONEY AND

TRIES TO BE SLICK AND DISGUISE

HER VOICE, BUT I KNOW IT'S HER.

'CAUSE SHE'LL GO...

(DEEP VOICE) HELLO.

IS DADDY HOME?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)