Comedy Central Presents
Season 3

CC Presents: Arj Barker

  • Season 3, Ep 16
  • 09/21/2000

HELLO!

(all)HELLO.

NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHTIN NEW YORK CITY.

I'M VERY EXCITED.

I HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY OUTFROM AUSTRALIA, WHICH IS--

IT'S A VERY LONG FLIGHT,AND I DON'T LIKE LONG FLIGHTS.

BUT THIS FLIGHTWAS, LIKE, THE BEST FLIGHT

I'VE EVER BEEN ON.

AND I'M NOT BRAGGING,BUT YOU'RE LOOKING

AT A NEW MEMBEROF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB.

THANK YOU.

[applause]

SOLO AVIATOR DIVISION...

[laughter]

AT YOUR SERVICE.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO BRAGABOUT THEIR SEX LIFE.

I ACTUALLY HAD A FRIENDCALL ME UP IN AUSTRALIA

FROM CALIFORNIAJUST TO TELL ME,

"HEY, ARJ,I FOUND A NEW KIND OF SEX.

"IT'S TOTALLY SPIRITUAL,AND IT'S EASTERN.

"YOU HAVE SEXFOR LIKE FIVE OR SIX HOURS,

BUT YOU NEVER CLIMAX."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH? SO?I'VE USED A CONDOM BEFORE."

[laughter]

"NO, ARJ.

NO, IT'S CALLED TANTRIC MEDITATIONAL SEX."

YOU CAN CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT,BUT FIVE OR SIX HOURS OF SEX?

I DON'T GOTTHAT KIND OF MONEY.

IS THAT GUY NUTS?

BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A GIRLFRIENDFOR A LITTLE WHILE,

BUT SHE LET ME GO,AND I ASKED HER WHY.

SHE SAID IT WAS 'CAUSEI WAS TOO INTENSE.

SHE SAIDI WAS MOVING TOO FAST.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

TO HELL WITH THAT, 'CAUSEI THINK IT WAS A NICE GESTURE

TO GIVE HER FLOWERSON THE FIRST DATE.

NO?

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. OKAY.

OKAY, PERHAPSTHE "BLESS THIS FAMILY" PLAQUE

COULD HAVE WAITED.

I'M VERY RELAXEDABOUT EVERYTHING

BECAUSE AS I SAID,I WAS IN AUSTRALIA,

AND I MET A GIRL THEREWHILE I WAS THERE,

AND I THINK SHE'S THE ONE.

AND THAT'S--YEAH, THAT'S EXCITING.

[applause]

NO, PLEASE.PLEASE, DON'T.

I'M VERY EXCITED,BUT I'M ALSO--

MOST OF ME IS EXCITED, BUTA LITTLE PART OF ME IS CONCERNED

AND A LITTLE WORRIED, BECAUSESHE LIVES ALL THE WAY IN SYDNEY,

AND I LIVE OUT HERE.

AND I DON'T GO TO AUSTRALIABUT TWO OR THREE TIMES A YEAR

AT THE MOST, AND I DON'T KNOWIF SHE REALIZES THAT,

YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGHI DON'T LIVE THERE,

DON'T WORRY,'CAUSE I'M COMING BACK.

AND IT MIGHT NOT BE FOR--IT MIGHT BE FIVE MONTHS,

BUT I'M COMING BACK.I'M COMING--

AND WHEN I GET BACK,THEN WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

FOREVER AND EVER AND EVERUNTIL DEATH.

EVEN BEYOND.

BEYOND DEATH.

TWO SOULS ENMESHAS ONE SOUL.

ONE SOUL FLOATINGFOR ALL OF ETERNITY

IN THE GREAT ABYSS,

THE AFTERMATH,

THAT WHICH REMAINS UNKNOWNTO ALL WHO DWELL

IN THE TRAPPINGS OF MORTAL FLESHUNTIL THE FINAL PASSING.

ANYWAY.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT I LEFTON HER ANSWERING MACHINE.

[applause]

SHE HASN'T CALLED BACK YET.

MAYBE I SHOULD E-MAIL HER,

YOU KNOW,A NICE, LITTLE, SUBTLE E-MAIL.

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?"

'CAUSE E-MAIL IS SO COOL.

DON'T GET THE PHONE NUMBER;GET THE E-MAIL ADDRESS.

THERE'S NO WAY TO SCREW IT UP,'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

TO CALL SOMEBODYAFTER YOU JUST MET THEM,

LIKE, THE OTHER NIGHT.

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

"AH. AH. IT'S ME.AH, I MET YOU.

"I WAS JUST SAYING HI.OKAY, BYE.

OOP. HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN.I FORGOT TO--"

AND YOU CAN'T SCREW IT UPWITH E-MAIL.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH E-MAIL

UNLESS YOU'RE LIKETHE MOST IMPULSIVE TYPIST EVER,

YOU KNOW, "HEY. AH.HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

"HEY, I MET YOUTHE OTHER NIGHT.

"AH. AH.UM, WHAT'S GOING"--

CLICK. SEND.[bleep].

"HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN."

OH, NO. YOU TAKE YOUR TIME.YOU COMPOSE OFF-LINE.

I JUST GOT--I GOT ON THE LINE.

IT'S NOT EASYTO GET ON THE LINE.

I THOUGHT--EVERYONE SAID, "ARJ,YOU BETTER GET ON THE LINE."

I THOUGHT,"OKAY, I GOT A COMPUTER."

BUT YOU DON'T JUST GETA COMPUTER TO GET ON-LINE;

YOU GOT TO GET OTHER STUFF.

YOU BETTER GET A MODEM, ORYOU'RE NOT GETTING ON ANYTHING.

YOU GOT TO GET A MONITOR;THAT'S WHAT I FOUND OUT.

[laughter]

YOU GOT TO GET A MOUSE;YOU GOT TO GET A MOUSE PAD.

YOU GOT TO GET A SPERM GUARDFOR YOUR KEYBOARD.

[laughter]

WHAT?

WELL.

[applause]

UNLESS YOU WANT TO GETA NEW KEYBOARD EVERY WEEK.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KINDOF KEYBOARD BUDGET YOU HAVE,

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THE SPACEBAR'STHE FIRST TO GO.

IT'S JUST BIGGERTHEN THE OTHER KEYS;

IT'S A MATTEROF PROBABILITY.

THE SPACEBAR'SA SITTING DUCK.

THE DELETE KEY CAN--

THE DELETE KEY'S LIKE,"COVER ME."

BUT THE SPACEBAR'SJUST LIKE, "HELP.

I HATE BEINGON THE FRONT LINE."

I ACTUALLY GOT A WEB SITE.

MY FRIEND SAID, "ARJ,YOU BETTER GET A WEB SITE."

SO I WENT TO THIS COMPANY:ZOLTRON.COM.

I HAD THEM BUILD ME A WEB SITE,AND THEY MADE IT REALLY NICE.

AND--BUT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWHOW TO USE IT,

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW MUCHABOUT COMPUTERS.

SO I CALLED UP MY FRIENDWHO TOLD ME TO GET ONE.

I SAID, "RUB, I CAN'T GETwww.arjbarker.com.

I CAN'T GETTHE VIDEOS TO DOWNLOAD

ON www.arjbarker.com.

AND HE SAID, "ARJ,IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE

"WITH www.arjbarker.com,DON'T CALL ME.

YOU CONSULT THE WEBMASTER."

SO I WAS LIKE, "FINE."

SO I CALLED SPIDERMAN,

AND I, YOU KNOW,"SPIDEY, I HATE TO BOTHER YOU.

"I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSYDOWN AT THE PAPER,

BUT CAN'T GET THE VIDEOSTO DOWNLOAD ON MY WEB SITE."

AND SPIDERMAN WAS LIKE--

[muffled]

'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT;HE NEVER CUT A MOUTH HOLE.

TO FEEL THE ENERGYFROM ALL THESE PEOPLE.

WE'RE HERE TONIGHTFOR A CAUSE.

TEN PERCENT OF MY PROCEEDSWILL GO TO HELP THIS KITTEN,

WHICH IS STRICKENWITH A HORRIBLE THYROID PROBLEM.

AND THIS IS POOPY,AND POOPY IS ONLY SIX WEEKS OLD,

BUT HE'S OVER 2,000 TIMES

WHAT A NORMAL KITTEN'S SIZESHOULD BE.

AND WE CAN HELP POOPY,

BECAUSE JUST BY BEING HERE,YOU'VE HELPED POOPY.

AND POOPY'S BACKSTAGERIGHT NOW.

AND I BET HE WOULD LIKE TO HEARTHAT WE'RE SUPPORTING HIM.

SO AT THE COUNT OF THREE,

LET'S JUST ALL SAY,"WE LOVE YOU, POOPY."

AND I KNOW THAT--THAT'D MEAN A LOT TO HIM.

COULD WE DO THAT?

OKAY."WE LOVE YOU, POOPY."

ONE. TWO. THREE.

(all)WE LOVE YOU, POOPY.

YEAH, AND NOW HE'S GOINGTO BE REALLY HAPPY.

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE

TO CLEAN UPHIS LITTER TRAY LATER,

SO THAT'S GOINGTO BE A PAIN.

I WAS IN--HAS ANYONE BEEN TO--

I MEAN, I'M NOT EVENGOING TO ASK YOU

IF YOU'VE BEEN TO AUSTRALIA.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO DOTHE JOKES ANYWAY

WHETHER YOU HAVEOR HAVEN'T.

SO IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

BUT LET ME TELL YOUIF YOU HAVEN'T, YOU SHOULD GO,

BECAUSE IT'S AN AMAZING PLACE.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY PEOPLE,AND IT'S, LIKE, MAGICAL TOO.

IT'S WEIRD.

OKAY, FOR ONE THING,

THE TOILET WATERGOES THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

HAS ANYONE HEARDABOUT THAT?

YEAH, YOU'VE HEARDABOUT THAT?

DID YOU KNOWIT'S TRUE THOUGH?

BECAUSE--BECAUSE HERETHE TOILET WATER GOES--

IT GOES DOWN LIKE THIS,RIGHT?

IN AUSTRALIA,IT GOES THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

I DON'T KNOW HOW.

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DOWITH THE HEMISPHERES.

HERE THE TOILET WATERGOES DOWN LIKE THIS.

IN AUSTRALIA, THE TOILET WATERGOES UP LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

IT'S A BIG BROWN TWISTEREVERY TIME--

I KNOW.

EVERY TIME YOU FLUSH,IT'S A BIG CRAP TORNADO.

THE TRICK IS TO FLUSH ANDJUST GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE.

AND YOU HAVE TO RUN LIKE THATBECAUSE IT'S FUNNIER.

YOU WANT TO GET BIG LAUGHS.

IT'S A GREAT COUNTRY.

THE ONE THING I FOUNDA LITTLE CONCERNING:

NO BURGER KINGS.

THAT JUST SEEMS UNNATURAL.

BUT IF YOU SAY--IF YOU MENTIONTHAT TO AN AUSTRALIAN,

THEY GO, "NO, MATE.HUNGRY JACKS."

HAS ANYONE SEEN THAT?

THEY GOT A RESTAURANTCALLED HUNGRY JACKS,

BUT I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLEEATING THERE.

I DON'T THINKIT'D BE VERY GOOD.

HUNGRY JACKS?HOW GOOD COULD IT BE?

THE GUY WHO OWNS THE RESTAURANTIS HUNGRY.

[laughter]

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF IF WAS CALLED FAT, HAPPY, [beep], WELL-CONTENTED JACKS...

I'D EAT THERE,BUT I WOULDN'T BRING A KID,

BECAUSE IT HAS A SWEAR WORDIN THE TITLE,

AND THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

I WENT TO TORONTO RECENTLY,WHICH IS VERY NICE,

A VERY CLEAN CITY.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHINGMAYBE A LITTLE WRONG.

THERE MAY BE SOMETHINGSLIGHTLY WRONG UP THERE.

THEY HAVE A SHOE MUSEUM,OKAY?

I WAS IN THE HOTEL,AND I SAW IT IN THE PAMPHLETS--

IN THE HOTEL--

TORONTO SHOE MUSEUM,AND I JUST TOOK IT.

I JUST WENT, "OH-OH."AND I TOOK IT.

AND I WENT UP TO MY ROOMAND PUT IT ON THE BED,

AND THEN I JUST PACED.

FOR I WAS TROUBLED BYTHE PRESENCE OF A SHOE MUSEUM,

BECAUSE IT FORCED METO ASK A VERY BURNING QUESTION:

"WOULD MY BODY BE ABLE

"TO PHYSICALLY SURVIVETHE AMOUNT OF DOPE

I WOULD NEED TO SMOKEIN ORDER TO VISIT..."

[applause]

"A SHOESEUM"?

[laughter]

ACTUALLY, OKAY,NOW HERE'S THE THING,

I SAID EARLIER--

I MADE A LITTLE REFERENCETHAT I SMOKED--I SMOKED WEED.

AND I SMOKE A LITTLE BITONCE IN A WHILE

WHEN IT'S APPROPRIATE.

[applause]

NO. NO. NO. NO.NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO. NO.THAT'S NOT--

I'M NOT TRYINGTO START A RALLY HERE.

MY POINT IS THATI DIDN'T ALWAYS SMOKE.

I DIDN'T ALWAYS SMOKE POT.

IN FACT, FOR YEARS AND YEARS,ARJ BARKER WAS HIGH ON LIFE.

[applause]

BUT EVENTUALLY,I BUILT UP A TOLERANCE.

OKAY?

IT JUST WASN'T CUTTINGTHE MUSTARD ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

I USED TO SEIZE THE DAY,

BUT PRETTY SOON, I WAS SEIZINGTWO DAYS, THREE DAYS, FOUR DAYS,

UP TO A WEEKJUST TO COP THE SAME BUZZ.

SO I SMOKE A LITTLE,BUT I'M VERY CAREFUL.

I'M VERY CAUTIOUS.

I NEVER SMOKE GRASSAND DRIVE MY CAR.

BECAUSE--BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,

NO MATTER HOW MANY LETTERSI WRITE TO THE ROAD COMMISSIONS,

THEY STILL REFUSETO START DESIGNING HIGHWAYS

WITH SECOND-CHANCE EXITS.

[applause]

WE'VE HAD A COUPLE LAUGHS.

WE'VE HAD A GOOD TIME, BUTNOW IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS.

MARIJUANAIS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN

TO DISTORT ONE'S PERCEPTIONOF DEPTH AND DISTANCE,

SO DRIVING'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

BECAUSE YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR--

"OH, MAN, I GOTA SMALL STEERING WHEEL.

"HMM. THAT'S BETTER.

"I THINK I'LL PULL OVERBY THAT PINE TREE

"AND GO FOR A NATURE HIKE.

"WAIT A SECOND.

OH. OH, MAN.OH, THAT'S THE DEODORIZER."

I QUITTED.I QUITTED.

NO. NO. NO. NO.NO. NO. NO. NO.

YOU'RE TOO NICE.

I'LL PROBABLYSTART AGAIN TOMORROW,

SO DON'T--SAVE IT.

I DIDN'T QUIT FOR HEALTH.

I QUIT--ACTUALLY,MOST PEOPLE QUIT FOR HEALTH,

AND I FEEL HEALTHIER,BUT I QUIT

BECAUSE I'M SO TIRED OF HEARINGBAD NEWS ABOUT CIGARETTES.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALLYOU EVER HEAR.

EVEN IF THEY DISCOVER GOOD NEWS,THEY DON'T PUBLICIZE IT,

LIKE THE FACT

THAT SMOKING SERIOUSLY REDUCESTHE RISK OF JOGGING.

BAD NEWS, THOUGH,RIGHT AWAY.

YOU'LL HEAR BAD NEWSALL THE TIME.

THE BAD NEWS--I BET YOU ALREADYHEARD THE LATEST.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T,

BETTER TO HEAR FROM MESURROUNDED BY FRIENDS,

'CAUSE IT AIN'T GOOD NEWSAS USUAL.

YOU KNOW THE LITTLE CAMELON THE PACK OF CIGARETTES?

YEAH?

THEY JUST FOUND OUTTHAT'S NOT EVEN A CAMEL.

IT'S ACTUALLY A HORSEWITH A BIG OLD TUMOR

GROWING OUT OF ITS BACK.

[laughter]

I KNOW.

I KNOW IT'S SAD,BUT AT LEAST THAT EXPLAINS

WHY IT'S ALWAYS IN THE DESERTBY ITSELF, YOU KNOW.

[in Indian accent]"I TELL YOU,WE CAN'T AVOID CHEMOTHERAPY.

"PUT THAT BEASTOUT IN THE DESERT

"AND TAKE ME BACKTO INDIA.

"THIS IS EGYPT,I TELL YOU.

"I DON'T BELONG HERE.

YOU'RE USING THE WRONG ACCENTFOR THIS JOKE."

[laughter]

AND MAYBE I AM, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DOAN EGYPTIAN ACCENT, DO I?

BUT I MEAN, I USED TO SMOKE,AND I LIKED IT,

BUT I COULDN'TENJOY A WHOLE CIGARETTE

JUST 'CAUSE I'D GETLIKE TWO PUFFS INTO IT,

AND THEN I THOUGHT--IT ALL CAME BACK TO ME.

ALL THE YEARS OF HEARINGHOW BAD IT IS FROM PARENTS,

TEACHERS, BROCHURES,T.V., ANIMALS.

IT ALL CAME BACK,AND IT JUST--

I'VE HEARD FOR TOO MANY YEARSHOW IT'S HARMFUL,

AND I CAN'T ENJOY IT.

YOU KNOW, I COULD HAVE ENJOYEDA CIGARETTE IF I SMOKED BACK,

LIKE, BEFORE EVERYONEKNEW IT WAS BAD,

LIKE SAY, LIKE, 1923.

EVERYBODY SMOKED BACK THEN.

THEY ALL SMOKED,

BECAUSE THERE WAS NOMEDICAL INFORMATION AGAINST IT.

THEY HAD NO IDEAIT WAS BAD FOR YOU.

SO IT WAS--IT WAS A SMOKER'S PARADISE,

JUST--"OH, THIS IS GREAT.

"I LOVE SMOKING.TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

HEY, PHIL,HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY?"

"NOT TOO GOOD.

"THEY'RE TAKING MY LUNG OUTNEXT WEEK.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY.

"THE DOCTOR THINKS MAYBEI'M BRUSHING MY TEETH TOO OFTEN,

"BUT I CAN'T HELP IT,

"'CAUSE FOR SOME REASONMY BREATH SMELLS

I JUST GOT A CAR,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAYWHAT KIND OF CAR.

IT'S AN AMERICAN CAR.

I'VE NEVER HAD AN AMERICAN CAR,AND I GUESS THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT?

IT HASN'T BROKEN DOWN EVER,

BUT I GOT TO SAY THIS CARIS VERY CRYPTIC.

THE VERY FIRST DAYI DROVE IT--

I'M IN L.A.I WAS ON LACINEGA BOULEVARD.

A LIGHT CAME ON OUT OF NOWHERE:BING! "CHECK ENGINE."

[laughter]

COULD THEY BE ANY MORE VAGUE?

WHAT IF A LIGHT CAME ONTHAT JUST SAID:

BING! "PROBLEM"?

[laughter]

OR BING! "OH-OH"?

OR BING! "DUDE, I GOTA CRAPPY FEELING ABOUT THIS"?

SO I PULLED OVER,AND I CHECKED THE ENGINE.

IT WAS THERE.

SO I TOOK OFF.

I MEAN, I'M NOT A MECHANIC,BUT I CAN DO THAT.

ENGINE: CHECK.

[laughter]

LET'S GO.

THANK YOU.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT,NEW YORK?

IT FELT GOOD TO WORKON MY OWN CAR FOR ONCE.

IN FACT,I FELT SO COCKY ABOUT IT--

I HAVEN'T DONE ITFOR AWHILE--

I JUST WENT IN THE STREETAND GAVE IT ONE OF THESE.

DOESN'T THATBRING BACK MEMORIES?

LIKE BACK IN SCHOOL, YOU SEEYOUR FRIENDS AFTER SCHOOL.

IT'S, LIKE, A NICE DAY,AND YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL.

"HEY, YOU GOING OVERTO THE CAFE?

"OH, YEAH, I'M GONNA.

"I'M JUST GETTING SOMETHINGOUT OF MY LOCKER.

I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.ALL RIGHT."

[laughter]

[laughing]

DOESN'T THATBRING BACK MEMORIES?

YOU DIDN'T--YOU DIDN'T DO THATAT YOUR SCHOOL?

WELL, MAYBE YOUR SCHOOLWASN'T SPECIAL.

DID YOU GETTO WEAR A HELMET?

[laughter]

[applause]

I DID.

I WENT TOA MOUNTAIN CLIMBING ACADEMY,

I LOVE NEW YORK, THOUGH--I NEVEREAT ANY OF THE ICE CREAMS.

THAT THEY SELL IN THE PARK.

THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING.

YOU SEE THE PICTURE OF THEM?

THEY ALL HAVE A LITTLE BITETAKEN OUT OF THEM ALREADY.

THAT'S--THAT'S JUST RANCID.

I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO TO IRELANDTHIS YEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND, I MEAN--IT'S THE BEST.

I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT--

I THOUGHT I KNEW SOMETHINGABOUT IRELAND.

BUT ALL I KNEW ABOUT IRELANDBEFORE I WENT THERE

WAS WHAT I LEARNED FROM WATCHINGSOAP COMMERCIALS ALL MY LIFE.

I WAS TOTALLY MISINFORMED.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THOUGHT IT WASAN IRISH TRADITION

WHERE YOU DON'T EVENTAKE A SHOWER WITH YOUR SOAP.

YOU TAKE YOUR SOAPFOR A WALK.

[laughter]

YOU COMPLIMENT THE SOAPFOR A LITTLE WHILE,

AND THEN SUDDENLY,

YOU JUST START HACKING IT UPWITH A HUNTING KNIFE.

[with Scottish accent]"YOU'RE A NICE PIECE OF SOAP.

"YOU'RE SMOOTH,AND YOU SMELL GOOD TOO.

"AND IT'S A PLEASURE

"TO BE UP HEREON THE MOUNTAINTOP WITH YOU,

"WAY UP HERE UPONTHE CRAGGY MOUNTAINTOP.

"THERE YOU GO.

"FEEL THE WEE GENTLE BREEZEAGAINST YOUR BAR.

"TAKE A LOOKAT THE VALLEY BELOW.

"THERE YOU GO.

"CAN YOU SEE YOUR HOUSEFROM HERE?

"THAT WAS A JOKE, AND THAT'STHE LAST JOKE YOU'LL EVER HEAR,

"YOU SUDSY BASTARD.

"THERE'S A SLICE OFFTHE SIDE OF YOU.

"THAT'S FOR SHOOTINGOUT OF ME HAND

"LIKE A BUBBLING BULLET,

"STICKING TO THE FLOOROF THE SHOWER,

"AND I CAN'T PRY YOU UPWITH ME WEE FINGERNAILS,

"SO I'VE GOTTO GO GET THE SPATULA.

"GET DOWNON THE GROUND THERE.

"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND.

"LATHER ALL YOU WANT.NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU.

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