Garfunkel and Oates

  • 06/08/2012

Garfunkel & Oates sing about Pat Robertson, smug pregnancies and orgasmic Go-Karts.

Yeah.All right.

Well, in Californiait is really easy

to get yourmedical marijuana card.

I just got mine... Woo!

For insomnia and depression.

Yay! (chuckles)

I didn't know

you weren't supposedto put real things so...

You can basically haveany ailment

and qualifyfor your weed card.

So we wrote a songabout how easy it is.

Yup.

♪ Everyone knowsmarijuana's dangerous ♪

♪ And medical potis really strong ♪

♪ That's why it's so hardin California ♪

♪ To get your weed card unlesssomething's really wrong ♪

♪ Going to pay a visitto my doctor ♪

♪ It's a long shot,but I got to try ♪

♪ She hands me a listof all the ailments ♪

♪ I can have to qualify

♪ Can't believewhat I am reading ♪

♪ This is justwhat I've been needing ♪

♪ The government supplyto get legally high ♪

♪ Weed card.

♪ That's what I need

♪ Hardly ever okay, always

♪ But it's not an addiction

♪ Because my doctorgave me a prescription ♪

♪ You can get your cardfor having headaches ♪♪ Messed up

♪ Migraines or anxiety ♪ Messed up

♪ Propensity for drugsor alcohol ♪♪ Messed up

♪ Going to get anorexiaor obesity ♪♪ Messed up

♪ Too fat, too thin

♪ Either way you win

♪ Carpal tunnel syndrome,color blindness ♪♪ Messed up

♪ It's stuttering,tooth decay ♪♪ Messed up

♪ Fatigue, depression,motion sickness ♪ ♪ Messed up

♪ Impotence or TMJ ♪ Messed up

♪ You can smoketo quit cigarettes ♪

♪ For asthma ormother(bleep) Tourette's ♪

♪ It's a dream come true

♪ There's nothing pot can't do

♪ Weed card

♪ That's what I need

♪ Hardly ever, okay, always

♪ But it's not an addiction

♪ 'Cause my doctorgave me a prescription ♪

♪ Break it down now

♪ Got back pain,need Mary Jane ♪

♪ Can't handle this,need cannabis ♪

♪ Got a stomachache,gotta wake and bake ♪

♪ Have an injury, need THC

♪ Get nucked upfor your hyperhydrosis ♪

♪ Which is sweaty palmsin case you need a diagnosis ♪

(chuckling)

♪ It's not a crime

♪ It's 420 time

♪ Weed card

♪ That's what I need

♪ Hardly ever, okay, always

♪ But it's not an addiction

♪ 'Cause my doctorgave me a prescription. ♪

(applause)

Riki was hanging outwith three friends

and they were all pregnant.Mm-hmm.

And out of nowhere, one of themturned to me and she goes,

"What do you even do all day?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

She goes "Well, I can't justreally remember

"what I didbefore I was pregnant

because it all seemedso meaningless."

Yeah. (chuckles)

Yeah, so this song is for her.(chuckles)

♪ Pregnant women are smug

♪ Everyone knows it,nobody says it ♪

♪ Because they're pregnant

♪ Effing son of a gun

♪ You think you're so deep now,you give me the creeps ♪

♪ Now that you're pregnant

♪ I can't countall the ways how ♪

♪ You speak in clichés now

So, do you wanta boy or girl?

Oh, doesn't matter,as long as it's healthy.Really?

'Cause I don't feel that thosetwo things are related at all.

It's not like you everhave to choose between...

No, no, no, as longas it's healthy.

(humming smugly)

♪ I can't wait to hearsomeone say ♪

♪ "Don't careif it's brain-dead ♪

♪ "Don't care if it's limblessif it has a penis" ♪

♪ Pregnant women are smug

♪ Everyone knows it,nobody says it ♪

♪ Because they're pregnant

♪ This Zen worldyou're enjoying ♪

♪ Makes you really annoying

So, is it a boy or a girl?

Oh, we know,but we're not telling.

What are you gonna name it?Oh, we know,but we're not telling.

Who's the father?

Oh, we know,but we're not telling.

(humming smugly)

♪ Bitch, I don't really care

♪ I was being politesince you have no life ♪

♪ Now that you're pregnant

♪ You say you'rewalking on air ♪

♪ You think that you're glowing,but you've been ho'ing ♪

♪ And now you're pregnant

♪ You're just givingbirth now ♪

♪ You're not Mother Earth now

Yeah, I have a lotgoing on.

I got my degree. I moved.I wrote a novel.

Gosh, you know,everything seems so trivial

now that I'm pregnant.

I also built thatnuclear fusion reactor.

You know, I can't evenreally remember what I did

before I was pregnant.

Everything just seemsso meaningless.

(whining)

♪ 'Cause pregnant womenare smu-ug ♪

♪ Everyone knows it

♪ Nobody says it

♪ Because they're pregnant

♪ Effing son of a guh-un

♪ You think you're so deep now

♪ You give me the creeps now

♪ Now that you're pregnant.

(applause)

And it went like this exactly.

"Hey Riki, it's Malcolm.

"I'm calling because I'm drunkand I know you won't judge me.

So let's get into some (bleep),crazy (bleep), naked, alcohol.

(bleep) just got real."

And then he hung up.

The crazy thing is,you don't know this guy.

You don't know where he lives.Like, that is real confidence.

Like, he's just like,"You know what?

I don't even need to saywhere I am. She will find me."

(chuckles)

I thought aboutwhat I would say to him.

And I think it'd go a littlesomething like this.

♪ You textat 3:00 in the morning ♪

♪ And you misspell my name

♪ You slept with halfmy friends on Facebook ♪

♪ And most of themthink you are lame ♪

♪ You say that with me,it's different ♪

♪ And you're notthat big of a dick ♪

♪ And if you disappear,it's just you're busy ♪

♪ Not 'cause you'rewith some other chick ♪

♪ I know this might be uncouth

♪ But I decidedto tell you the truth ♪

♪ My self-esteem'snot low enough to date you ♪

♪ It's close,but not quite there ♪

♪ Give me time to geta little more desperate ♪

♪ And you and I couldmake an awesome pair ♪

♪ A totally awesome pair

♪ I seemlike your perfect target ♪

♪ Like I've been lonelyfor too long ♪

♪ You think I haven't had sexin forever ♪

♪ And I'll admitthat you're not wrong ♪

♪ But I would rather haveno one ♪

♪ Than this crap,let me reaffirm ♪

♪ I wouldn't touch your dickif I'd been poisoned ♪

♪ And the antidotewas in your sperm ♪

♪ I know that this mightbe uncouth ♪

♪ But I decided to tell youthe truth... ♪

♪ My self-esteem's not lowenough to date you ♪

♪ It's so close,but not quite there ♪

♪ Give me time to geta little more wasted ♪

♪ And you I could make anawesome pair-air-air, air-air ♪

♪ A totally awesome pair.

(cheering)

to discussthe gay marriage debate.

Yeah, and for those of youwho haven't seen it,

you can watch it at like 4:30in the morning on ABC Family.

And it kind of lookslike a Canadian show.

Do you know what I mean?Where it's like (bleep)

but you don't know why.

That's... (chuckles)That's his show.

And he said on the show,if we legalize gay marriage,

it will lead to legalizingsex with ducks.

But he only said ducks.

Yeah, we kind of think

there are other animals

that are more in dangerof getting violated.

Yeah, but thenwe thought about it,

and we realizedhe's totally right.

You know, two people

committing their livesto one another

and becoming a family

in front of all their friendsand loved ones

and putting your penisin a duck: same thing.

So, uh, Pat Robertson,this song's for you.

♪ Pat Robertson once said

♪ "It's a long downward slide

♪ "That'll lead tolegalizing sex with ducks ♪

♪ If two men can standside by side" ♪

♪ And, God, I hope he's right

♪ 'Cause if gay marriagebecomes lawful ♪

♪ Gonna find myself a duck

♪ And legally dosomething awful ♪

♪ Awful ♪ Awful

♪ Ducks, sex with ducks

♪ We'll do it in the rain

♪ Ducks, yeah, ducks

♪ Got those wet feeton my brain ♪

♪ We'll find a pond,we'll find a puddle ♪

♪ Put your beak in mineand we'll cuddle ♪

♪ It's a feeling I can't name

♪ When sex with ducks and gaymarriage are one and the same ♪

♪ Gonna goose that goose,gonna quack that swan ♪

♪ Gonna rubber my duckieall night long ♪

♪ Gonna whack that mallarduntil its feathers plume ♪

♪ Gonna Huey Dewey Louieall over the room ♪

♪ Scrooge McDuck,gonna give it to you ♪

♪ Dive into your gold until yousay DuckTales, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Ducks, sex with ducks

♪ We'll do it in the rain

♪ Ducks, yeah, ducks

♪ Those feathered bodiesare insane ♪

♪ We'll find a pond,we'll find a puddle ♪

♪ I'll be the wind beneathyour wings and we'll cuddle ♪

♪ It's a feeling I can't name

♪ When sex with ducks and gaymarriage are one and the same ♪

♪ One and the same.

(applause)

So one day Riki and I decidedto go indoor go-karting.

And I grew upriding go-karts,

but Riki hadnever been before,

and so I'm zipping aroundthe track really fast,

and I look over at Riki,and she's driving so slow.

And then allof a sudden,

she stops in the middleof the track.

And I was, like,"What the heck?"

Like, what is going on?"

And then I found outwhat was happening.

Here's what happened.

Um, basically,I was sitting on

a big, giant vibrating piece ofmetal at a forward-tilted angle.

And, yeah.

And the faster I went,the more it vibrated.

And then I was just,like, "Uh-oh."

So I decided to goreally, really slow.

But then I see Katezipping by me,

and for some reasonI thought,

"Well, if she can go fast,I can go fast,"

which I don't know whyI assumed we had

the same vaginalsensitivity.

We don't.

I am a delicate flower.(chuckles)

And Kate is an unshuckedear of corn.

(cheering and applause)

(laughs)

Yeah, I said it.

Get in line, boys.

So, anyway... (laughs)

I just thought if she cango fast, I can go fast.

And I sped up,and then it was, like,"Nope, no, I can't."

And so I just pulled overand hung my head in shame

for the rest of our time.

An unshucked ear of corn, huh?Yeah. (laughs)

Uh, well, you know,

the funniest partis you thought

that we knewwhat was happening.

Like, if you gave mea hundred guesses,

I would not have guessedthat that is what was going on.

And also, if that happened

to everybody who went ona go-kart,

I think go-karting would bea lot more popular.

♪ Get on my go-kart,strap myself in ♪

♪ Rev up the engine,let the fun begin ♪

♪ Put my foot on the gas,and I'm out of the gate ♪

♪ But the faster I go,the more the metal vibrates ♪

(trilling)

♪ My body's tinglingfrom my head to my toes ♪

♪ But the thing that's reallybuzzing, I hope nobody knows ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm feeling kind offunny in a biblical way ♪

♪ God damn, I'm shaking hardon my Georgia O'Keefe bouquet ♪

♪ I never guessedthis trembling machine would ♪

♪ Turn the motor on under my hood ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,accidentally masturbating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,mechanically self-fornicating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing, no stoppingtill I cross the finish line ♪

♪ Shifting gears,I can feel my heart throb ♪

♪ Hope nobody noticesI'm getting a lube job ♪

♪ Don't need no gentlemanto start my engine ♪

♪ 'Cause I can even feela little rear suspension ♪

(trilling)

♪ Trying to cover up my scandallike I'm Goldman-Sachs ♪

♪ This (bleep) is getting realon this indoor track ♪

♪ I'm about to go blind,and I feel like a creep ♪

♪ 'Cause it's pressing onmy horn like beep-beep-beep ♪

♪ Now my drivingis getting erratic ♪

♪ 'Cause this transmissionis automatic ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,accidentally masturbating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,mechanically self-fornicating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing, no stoppingtill I cross the finish line ♪

♪ If the fruit is ripe,you might as well pluck it ♪

♪ Was gonna slow down, but thenI thought, "(bleep) it" ♪

♪ No one look at me'cause this it ♪

♪ Green flag, go, goholy (bleep) ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,accidentally masturbating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,mechanically self-fornicating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing, no stoppingtill I cross the finish line ♪

♪ Key change... key change...

♪ Go-kart racing,accidentally masturbating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing,mechanically self-fornicating ♪

♪ Go-kart racing, no stoppingtill I cross the finish line ♪

♪ Ah, hallelujah... amen.

(Kate, Riki giggling)

Thanks, guys.

My dad loves that song.

(Riki laughs)

(cheering)Yeah.

And we're alsovery late bloomers.

Yeah. We kissed someonein, like, seventh grade,

and then nothing,nothing, nothing,

college-- kind of nothing--sex.

And so we just skippedthird base altogether.

Yeah, basically, we're reallybad at giving hand jobs.

We never learned.

And once you're 30,no one will teach you.

So this is really more

of a cautionary tale.

You don't wantto end up like this.

I was in a situation

where I was tryingto give a hand job once,

and the guy wasjust, like,

"You know what?Just let me do it.Let me do it."

And I was, like, "I'm so sorry.I'm just not good at that."

I felt really bad.

But then we did havethat nice fan,

and he saw thatwe had this problem.

He's, like, "You know,here is a link to a how-to."

And so I clicked on it,and there's only one step.

It said, "Use your mouth."

(mid-tempo hip-hop plays)

We made this beatourselves.

That's why it's so good.Oh, yeah.

(audience cheering)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ I got a problemand I can't contain it ♪

♪ I'll use my icky-stickyrhymes to help me explain it ♪

♪ Handy Js are like Stonehengeto me ♪

♪ Robert Stack can't evenunsolve this mystery ♪

♪ I'm a messed-up childof a baby boomer ♪

♪ I was in the gifted class,but a total late bloomer ♪

♪ Now I got a secretto get off my chest ♪

♪ Went from kissing to sex,but never learned the rest ♪

♪ In high schoolI was in the marching band ♪

♪ Not learning what to dowith my hand ♪

♪ While other girlswere dripping likea Jackson Pollock ♪

♪ I blossomed laterthan Mayim Bialik ♪

♪ I'm investigating boneslike Deschanel ♪

♪ Trying to make it stand uplike Dave Chappelle ♪

♪ When I stare down the barrelof a semi-hard dick ♪

♪ I feel more singled outthan Chris Hardwick ♪

♪ I studied Bach, Jacques Chiracand Isaac Asimov ♪

♪ But I wasn't on the ski busjerking people off ♪

♪ Wouldn't let you touchmy chest ♪

♪ Like you're VapoRubbingVicks in ♪

♪ Let alone Deep Throatyour Tricky Dick Nixon ♪

♪ I want to learn how to makeyour Watergates flow ♪

♪ I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew,that I might never know ♪

♪ How to H.J.your L.B. Johnson ♪

♪ Know less about dicksthan Samantha Ronson ♪

FEMALE VOICE:♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I should have explored newfrontiers like Wil Wheaton ♪

♪ But I was more conservativethan Alex P. Keaton ♪

♪ I'm falling into crisisjust like the Dow ♪

♪ I want give a hand job,but I don't know how ♪

(drum fill plays)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze,do I ever touch the top? ♪

♪ How can I learnwhen you always make me stop? ♪

(cheering)

♪ Now I'm on a full-blowninvestigation ♪

♪ To unlock the secretsof ejaculation ♪

♪ I need a translatorlike I'm reading Balzac ♪

♪ To crack the Rosetta Stoneover your ballsack ♪

MALE VOICE:Ooh, ow ♪

♪ The top is the partthat confuses me the most ♪

♪ It looks like a Silly PuttyPac-Man ghost ♪

♪ Sometimes it's Jell-Ojiggling ♪

♪ Sometimes it's denser

♪ But they all look likea Darth Vader Pez dispenser ♪

(blows air)

♪ Like Sam Jackson,I'm not as good with Shaft ♪

♪ When it's soft and flabbylike President Taft ♪

♪ It's like a deep South queen,that you want to make straight ♪

♪ Will I make it uprightif I move like a Shake Weight? ♪

♪ Move it like a Shake Weight,move it like a Shake Weight ♪

♪ Now pump it like brakesthat aren't anti-lock ♪

♪ Try not to go psychoon your Alfred Hitchcock ♪

♪ I go a little faster,and then I retard ♪

♪ It's like a hamster you don'twant to squeeze too hard ♪

♪ I'm working my handtill it gets arthritis ♪

♪ I'll be holding till I getthe golden touch of Midas ♪

♪ I think, therefore I am,getting my Descartes on ♪

♪ Until I fully comprehendyour Marcia Gay Hard-on ♪

♪ But the biggest throbbingquestion of all is ♪

♪ Seriously, what do you dowith the balls? ♪

♪ Do I roll 'em like dice,do I mold 'em like clay? ♪

♪ Do I tickle them like Elmo,or throw 'em like a partay? ♪

♪ Do I move 'em all aroundor cup it slow? ♪

♪ It's like the two bald criticpuppets from the Muppet show ♪

♪ Just sitting therecranky and superfluous ♪

♪ How 'bout I don't touch themunless you insist? ♪

(drum fill plays)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze,do I ever touch the top? ♪

♪ How can I learn when youalways make me stop? ♪

(synthesizer playssustaining chord)

♪ How can I learnwhen you always make me stop? ♪

(cheering)

Thank you, everybody.Thank you.

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